Al Anon

[oneday]

I created an AE for this post, unfortunately I'm just not comfortable enough to post this with my regular name, just yet.
I'm married to an alcoholic, I'm sure I'll share more details at another time.
I want to know more about Al Anon and how it helps.  I know that I need to go, I went to one meeting awhile ago but haven't been back since.  It wasn't a bad experience or anything, I just haven't gone back.
I guess what I'm asking is, how does Al Anon help you? What do you or have you gained from attending meetings?  
Thanks for any information...I'm just so tired of the alcoholism being at the forefront of my every thought and basing my decisions and actions around it.

[pinkdutchtulips]

al-anon removes alchoholism from being the center of your world. it forces you to take care of YOU again ... and let the alcoholic take care of themselves - good/bad/ugly

i found my long buried voice and confidence by attending al-anon meetings and realizing that i cannot control his addictions, only myself. there's alot of truth the serenity prayer - accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. through al-anon you learn what the difference is bt what you can accept and what you can change and that's different for each person.

[SwimDeep]

Exactly what pinkdutchtulips said!
And @evelynrichards makes good points too.

I've been told my entire life that taking care of myself is selfish, and that I should focus on how I can use all my energy to help and serve other people. Al-anon (the few meetings I have been to) has helped me see how out of balance I am and has helped me learn that it is okay to take care of myself.

Al-anon also helped me realize that I wasn't alone. There's something about loving an alcoholic, lying for them to protect their reputation, cleaning up after them so they don't feel bad about the mess they make, reassuring them that no matter what they do you'll be there... It's all so incredibly isolating. Stepping into a group of people who understood was a shock to my system.

I had no idea how isolated I was until I saw how I could find fellowship and companionship in a group of people who knew exactly what I was going through. I didn't even talk at all the first few meetings I went to. I just sat and listened.

[SwimDeep]

Also, I want to add that we're completely non-judgmental on this board. Every single one of us are going through or have been through difficult situations (all related, in one way or another, to addiction). We all bring different experiences to the board, but we're here to pursue a common purpose, which is healing.

Welcome to Recovery, oneday!

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 13, 2014 10:59:13 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

Exactly what pinkdutchtulips said!
And @evelynrichards makes good points too.

I've been told my entire life that taking care of myself is selfish, and that I should focus on how I can use all my energy to help and serve other people. Al-anon (the few meetings I have been to) has helped me see how out of balance I am and has helped me learn that it is okay to take care of myself.

Al-anon also helped me realize that I wasn't alone. There's something about loving an alcoholic, lying for them to protect their reputation, cleaning up after them so they don't feel bad about the mess they make, reassuring them that no matter what they do you'll be there... It's all so incredibly isolating. Stepping into a group of people who understood was a shock to my system.

I had no idea how isolated I was until I saw how I could find fellowship and companionship in a group of people who knew exactly what I was going through. I didn't even talk at all the first few meetings I went to. I just sat and listened.

even before xh entered the picture, being a pk (pastor's kid) meant that MY needs were always secondary to what others needed. placing myself first was considered selfish and a black mark against my parents. once I was no longer a pk, I realized how unhealthy it was and it truly felt weird at first to put my needs ahead of others and be able to say 'no' to a person's request bc it interfered w/ my time ! xh entered the picture and it all went out the window and 'taking care' of him became my priority to my detriment. it was only after I left him that I once again took care of MYSELF first then everyone else. al-anon was instrumental in equipping myself w what I needed to get ME back and to keep me from falling back into those awful co-dependent habits. bc yes, the disease that all family members of addicts share is co-dependency in one form or another and al-anon helps break that habit.

[SwimDeep]

Oct 13, 2014 11:37:29 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Oct 13, 2014 10:59:13 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

Exactly what pinkdutchtulips said!
And @evelynrichards makes good points too.

I've been told my entire life that taking care of myself is selfish, and that I should focus on how I can use all my energy to help and serve other people. Al-anon (the few meetings I have been to) has helped me see how out of balance I am and has helped me learn that it is okay to take care of myself.

Al-anon also helped me realize that I wasn't alone. There's something about loving an alcoholic, lying for them to protect their reputation, cleaning up after them so they don't feel bad about the mess they make, reassuring them that no matter what they do you'll be there... It's all so incredibly isolating. Stepping into a group of people who understood was a shock to my system.

I had no idea how isolated I was until I saw how I could find fellowship and companionship in a group of people who knew exactly what I was going through. I didn't even talk at all the first few meetings I went to. I just sat and listened.

even before xh entered the picture, being a pk (pastor's kid) meant that MY needs were always secondary to what others needed. placing myself first was considered selfish and a black mark against my parents. once I was no longer a pk, I realized how unhealthy it was and it truly felt weird at first to put my needs ahead of others and be able to say 'no' to a person's request bc it interfered w/ my time ! xh entered the picture and it all went out the window and 'taking care' of him became my priority to my detriment. it was only after I left him that I once again took care of MYSELF first then everyone else. al-anon was instrumental in equipping myself w what I needed to get ME back and to keep me from falling back into those awful co-dependent habits. bc yes, the disease that all family members of addicts share is co-dependency in one form or another and al-anon helps break that habit.

I wasn't a preacher's kid, but I grew up in a small-town, Independent Fundamentalist Baptist church where I was all but betrothed to the preacher's son. (Although both sets of parents insisted on calling it "special friends"...we were 11/12 when that started.)

Even after my family moved north and we were no longer close members of the church, the expectation that I would put everyone else before myself was very strong. My mom always called me her "right hand"...my brothers and sisters called me "mom-2". And I did everything I could to honor my parents and serve and not be selfish.

I've only just started to realize how unbalanced I am, and I'm working through tons of resentment against my parents because of the way they "trained me up in the way I should go."

I still struggle with so much guilt...My therapist keeps reminding me that the golden rule is love God and love your neighbor as you love yourself. That rule conflicts with what I my parents trained me to do...which was to put the needs of the many above the needs of myself. My therapist has been encouraging me to love myself...and loving myself makes me feel guilty.

And al-anon puts me in the company of people who are also struggling with these conflicted feelings.

[btay]

The number one thing I get out of Al Anon is the relief in knowing that I am not alone. It teaches you to make yourself a priority. It teaches you the skills to either live with, or leave, an alcoholic without losing yourself in the process. Al Anon gave me my life back when I hadn't even realized the extent I had stopped living it.

[Deleted]

Oct 13, 2014 12:09:03 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

Oct 13, 2014 11:37:29 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

My therapist keeps reminding me that the golden rule is love God and love your neighbor as you love yourself.

I like this, SwimDeep.  You know I've never really looked at the last half of that saying, as you italicized it.  That's good!

[Deleted]

Oh and oneday. Welcome. We are a pretty supportive group here!