Defiant 4.5 year old

[whereintheworld]

I have always known my 4.5 year old is spirited, sensitive, intense, etc. etc.

He recently started kindergarten and a new before/after care program. I was bracing myself because he hates change, loves having structured and predictable routine, so I thought it was going to be a bad transition. It has been smooth in the sense that he loves school and has great behavior there.

Unfortunately, his behavior at home continues to get worse. He has always been quick to tantrum and there are always lots of tears but in the past month he has been increasingly aggressive toward my husband and me. Kicking us, punching, throwing books. He gets so worked up and so angry over tiny things (if we don't help him put on his shoes, etc) and it's so hard to calm him down. Time outs just rile him up more. We try to reward the good behavior and he earns marbles in a jar for being good then he loses marbles for being bad but it doesn't seem like it ever really corrects his behavior when he is in a bad mood.

I am at my wits end. I am so burnt out with his constant testing, negotiations, angry outbursts.

We just started the ball rolling on a behavioural assessment through a private psychological services office. They did a meeting yesterday with just my husband (I had to work) and they'll do 4 one-hour play therapy sessions with him then give us a 1 hour meeting to discuss their findings and make a recommendation.

I think he has an anxiety disorder but now I'm reading about ODD and other things and it's making me really worry that we're dealing with something that is bigger than us and I don't know how to handle it.

All ears if anyone has questions or insight.

He does not show any aggression at kindergarten or with other kids and is very well adjusted there. He needs huge amounts of structure to get through the day. He seems to have no impulse control when it comes to eating, moods, etc. He shows little remorse if he hurts one of his little brothers. I am so scared for what is going on in his little body.

[hopecounts]

It sounds like you are taking the right steps.
When you say 'needs huge amounts of structure to get through the day' what soecifically do you mean?
Does he have a hard time staying focused on tasks? Is he easily distracted? Dies he act out when he has unstructured time? What?
The marbles may be too distant a reward for him at this stage, he may need more direct reinforcement at the time he makes the good choice.
If he has something like ADHD/ASD/ODD or some other behavorial or developmental issue (not saying he does) his ability to think before he acts may be impaired meaning something like earning a marble may not be motivating enough to make hiim pause before he acts since that is a skill that is harder for him.
For now just keep on keeping on and see what information the eval gives you and go from there.
Once you have a better idea of what you are looking at you can figure out the next steps, you'll build a team and work towards heloing him be his most successful self whatever that may be.
And for now if hurting his brothers is an issue (beyond normal roughousing accidents that can happen when kids play) keep them seperated/directly monitored while you get more info. 

[whereintheworld]

Thanks for your reply.

He definitely acts out if he has unstructured time. If I sit with him and get engaged in play doh, lego, colouring, etc., then he is focused and doesn't act out. If I ask him to just go independently then it will quickly devolve in to running around the house wildly. I think he does really well in a school environment because it's so structured with set times/activities. He has never had any kind of behavioural problems at school or with other kids.

He isn't necessarily distracted easily but he require someone keeping him on task. That part can be hard when I am dealing with 2 other small kids in the house and trying to do other household tasks (both of us work FT).

Interesting that the marbles may be too abstract. They do sometimes work momentarily and he is motivated to earn the good ones and really enjoys the praise that comes with it - but doesn't really care about it as a deterrent for bad behavior.

He loves his brothers a LOT and isn't intentionally rough with them but his craziness when he is feeling hyper and silly and out of control usually ends up with someone in tears. We keep them separated as much as possible just to keep the peace.

I've just done up a chart for the morning and evening routines with pictures of each step (wake up, brush teeth, get dressed, etc.) so hopefully that will bring the structure that he needs to our home time. It isn't like we have a wildly chaotic unstructured home or anything but I do have 3 kids under the age of 5 so things are busy.