@ Tantrums all the freakin time??

[ringstrue]

OMG help me not kill DD.

DD seems to have tantrums all the time. Not sure if she does them at daycare but I haven't heard anything - I can ask to clarify I guess. She wakes up and is fine until she wants something and then she throws a fit, even if we are getting it for her right away the moment she asks. Its literally like "I want milk" "ok" "NO I WANT JUICE" "ok" "NOOOO MIIIILK AAAAAHHH!!!11"

Shes gotta just scream and cry for 5-15mins it seems 2-3 times a day. Nothing seems to matter - doesn't have to pee, not hungry, good sleep, etc. It's like her morning exercise.

What do I do to ride these out with her the best way possible? They are shorter if I play it right, but that seems to be different each time. I hate to say it but sometimes the easiest way to get her to calm down is to do exactly what she wants which could be to stand in her room and watch her play or sit on the couch with her and watch TV when I should be getting ready for work . Ignoring her doesn't help and a lot of times makes it worse.

I try to explain things to her which helps too, but other times it just stresses her out more.

I know its her wanting to "be in charge" so I am doing (and have always done) "its time to get dressed" or "its time to make food" as opposed to "I have to make food now".

I just feel like I'm missing some things, or could use a more air-tight process for managing her to lessen the # we get in day.

[joenali]

Don't play it at all. Don't respond to her tantrums at all. Only respond to her when she is calm and collected. DOn't even say "ok".

YOu may have to listen to her scream and cry for longer to start with, but once she realizes that you aren't paying attention to her, she'll stop.

[cookiemdough]

I ignored them. There was nothing that would really work to soothe them after it got to tantrum stage anyway, so I didn't feel bad about ignoring it. I just waited it out.

[ringstrue]

When you ignore, do you go about your own work or sit down where you are? Do you leave the room where she/he is? If you are in the middle of doing something with them, do you stop doing it and leave or continue on even though there is protesting?

[MrsAxilla]

Ben's tantrums were always worse when he'd 'mature' in some way and I'd failed to recognize it. I can't think of a good example, but it was like we were fighting all the time, then one day I realized "oh! He's older. I should approach it this way instead". I guess that's pretty vague, but mostly it was when I'd explain things better, or use logic, or do something a little less baby-ish than I was before.

[EloiseWeenie]

Since turning 3, the tantrums aren't as often. If he begins to throw one, I calmly tell him "if you are going to through a fit, go to your room." He'll either stop then, or he'll go (on his own or by me carrying) to his room. Once he's calmed down, he can come out. We tell him, we don't want to hear it, and we won't respond to him when he's acting like a fool.

[joenali]

Jul 30, 2012 12:03:54 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

When you ignore, do you go about your own work or sit down where you are? Do you leave the room where she/he is? If you are in the middle of doing something with them, do you stop doing it and leave or continue on even though there is protesting?

When I had a student that had very bad tantrums, I just left her to her own devices and went about my own business. I did say to her "when you are calm I will talk to you". I helped other students while she was crying under her desk.

THe same with at home. If you are playing with her, you get up and do something else. You totally ignore that behavior. THat kind of behavior shouldn't get any attention.

Also, before any tantrum can start, give her choices that YOU can live with. "You can have your milk in this chair or this chair". or "You can play with your doll in your room or in the backyard". Either way she is doing what you need her to do. It's just that she thinks she has some say in the matter.

[Deleted]

I am LOL because before I even looked at your ticker and just read the subject line, I thought, "let me guess, she is 3?" No great advice, just commiseration and I do the ignore thing too.

[ringstrue]

Jul 30, 2012 12:05:14 GMT -5 MrsAxilla said:

Ben's tantrums were always worse when he'd 'mature' in some way and I'd failed to recognize it. I can't think of a good example, but it was like we were fighting all the time, then one day I realized "oh! He's older. I should approach it this way instead". I guess that's pretty vague, but mostly it was when I'd explain things better, or use logic, or do something a little less baby-ish than I was before.

Sometimes it is this because she wants to be the first one out of the room or get the milk jug out of the fridge herself (when did she get so strong!?!?) But she isn't communicating that, its just "NOO!!!!!11" and then I just stop and have her run ahead of me and then I'm like "oh ok". So part of me thinks I'm still missing some things she wants to do differently but she just isn't saying, kwim?

I should start sending her to her room. I've threatened timeouts but I hate "punishing" frustration.

[joenali]

Jul 30, 2012 12:17:56 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

Jul 30, 2012 12:05:14 GMT -5 MrsAxilla said:

Ben's tantrums were always worse when he'd 'mature' in some way and I'd failed to recognize it. I can't think of a good example, but it was like we were fighting all the time, then one day I realized "oh! He's older. I should approach it this way instead". I guess that's pretty vague, but mostly it was when I'd explain things better, or use logic, or do something a little less baby-ish than I was before.

Sometimes it is this because she wants to be the first one out of the room or get the milk jug out of the fridge herself (when did she get so strong!?!?) But she isn't communicating that, its just "NOO!!!!!11" and then I just stop and have her run ahead of me and then I'm like "oh ok". So part of me thinks I'm still missing some things she wants to do differently but she just isn't saying, kwim?

I should start sending her to her room. I've threatened timeouts but I hate "punishing" frustration.

"Would you like mommy to get the milk jug or would you like to get the milk jug?" "You can have the blue cup for milk or the red cup for milk."

Could you pour some of the milk from the jug in sippy cups and just put the sippy cups in the fridge? So it's easy for her to just grab a cup of milk without it causing frustration?

[cookiemdough]

Jul 30, 2012 12:17:56 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

I should start sending her to her room. I've threatened timeouts but I hate "punishing" frustration.

I don't know if I consider it a time-out. I have always phrased it as he clearly needs some time to calm down and pull himself together so come back down when he is ready to communicate.

[ringstrue]

Jul 30, 2012 12:16:49 GMT -5 @mjmksb04 said:

I am LOL because before I even looked at your ticker and just read the subject line, I thought, "let me guess, she is 3?" No great advice, just commiseration and I do the ignore thing too.

Shes SUCH a typical 3 year old it makes me roll my eyes just thinking about it!!

[MrsAxilla]

Jul 30, 2012 12:17:56 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

Jul 30, 2012 12:05:14 GMT -5 MrsAxilla said:

Ben's tantrums were always worse when he'd 'mature' in some way and I'd failed to recognize it. I can't think of a good example, but it was like we were fighting all the time, then one day I realized "oh! He's older. I should approach it this way instead". I guess that's pretty vague, but mostly it was when I'd explain things better, or use logic, or do something a little less baby-ish than I was before.

Sometimes it is this because she wants to be the first one out of the room or get the milk jug out of the fridge herself (when did she get so strong!?!?) But she isn't communicating that, its just "NOO!!!!!11" and then I just stop and have her run ahead of me and then I'm like "oh ok". So part of me thinks I'm still missing some things she wants to do differently but she just isn't saying, kwim?

I should start sending her to her room. I've threatened timeouts but I hate "punishing" frustration.

I think that's about when we said "I know you're frustrated and that's ok, but you have to use your words and tell me exactly what you want or I can't help you". It hadn't occurred to him to try and articulate himself, since just a few months earlier he didn't really have the vocabulary or something, KWIM?

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

This is my life right now too, so I have zero advice. Some days all I can do is try to keep it together till bedtime. Seriously. Sympathy and hugs and a large drink. For both of us.

[oliverboliverbutt]

Is there any way to work your mornings so that you have a little time to sit and play/cuddle? DS would break down anytime things got too rushed in the morning, and I bet it'd be worse now- he'll be three in Oct- but I've been home since DD was born, so thankfully I don't have to rush often now! Anyway, some Lee-centric non-getting ready time helped immensely.

[robin]

Ignoring one of my kids tantrums made it so much worse. They would go on for near an hour and it was miserable. Someone told me to get to his level, speak with total calm and talk logic to him. It's made a huge difference with my one boy. The other one I ignore

[Kristinmo]

Right there with you. DS will be 3 in October and the past month has been brutal. On Saturday, we were at BILs house. DS found some jelly beans and it was a full 30 minutes of him screaming (we were all in the next room).

Last week it was that he wanted a fork to eat his quesadilla with. But it was 20 minutes of meltdown because I didn't just know that.

[taratru]

My kid isn't even 2 and has Ben doing this all summer. I can't fucking wait for the next year to pass.

In the meantime, ignore, ignore, ignore.

[ringstrue]

I do think it's a combo of trying to get her to use her words, sending her to her room/getting her to calm down, and ignoring. I think what I honestly need to start doing again is spelling out what I'm about to do and then do it. Then she can interject and we can have a convo like two humans, or something.

lys - between this and the new job I have a new love of alcohol. Dh gives me the side-eye on a semi-daily basis.

[meshaliuknits]

I'm marking this to read when I get back from lunch because BabyLiu has lost her mind too.

[twotrue]

Jul 30, 2012 12:08:51 GMT -5 joenali said:

Also, before any tantrum can start, give her choices that YOU can live with. "You can have your milk in this chair or this chair". or "You can play with your doll in your room or in the backyard". Either way she is doing what you need her to do. It's just that she thinks she has some say in the matter.

Definitely this. DD wants to do everything on her own, when she wants, how she wants, etc. I try to approach everything with choices. Do you want to brush your teeth first or go potty first? Do you want to take a bath now or in 2 minutes?

Or if she's doing something like demanding water, then milk, then water, etc. I'll tell her "go put two toys away and then when you return I'll have water for you." This makes her change her thinking for a moment and usually gives her a moment to breathe.

[SallyJ]

When DD was at her worst (she's always been the crier of the two) we asked her a question that required an answer about numbers, like 'how many feet/hands/fingers/cars do you have'. It's why police officers ask crazy angry people their phone number and address. Something about the brain being unable to do math and emotion at the same time. I swear it's like magic. It helps break through the crazy crying tantrum.

Ignoring made it worse for us, but staying calm and saying things like 'I can't understand you unless you use words' or 'Sounds like you need to sit on the stairs or go to your room for some quiet time to calm down. When you are done I'm happy to help you.' Also having a picture schedule helped a lot in the preparing for the next thing since transitions always set her off.