45 minutes away? Tell them to effing stay at the W and they will like it. Or not to bother coming at all. Because there is no way in hell that you will be able to go 45 min in car for *8* days right after you give birth, nursing or not- but especially if nursing.
My response to DH was that he needs to talk to the ILs and find out exactly what their expectations for this visit are - how many days they expect to see me and the baby, for how long, under what circumstances, etc. And then he needs to school them on the realities of what it means for me to bring the baby out at that stage in her life and how long I'll be able to be out between feedings and the like.
Littlespitfire - I sort of disagree with this because it just involves more back-and-forth and trying to educate your inlaws about the realities of your post-newborn life, when it seems that they fundamentally are more concerned with their comfort and just expect you to adapt. And that's not ok.
I would just tell them flat-out "we're not able to travel, and likely will not be able to take the baby out to restaurants that early after delivery. If you really want to see the baby we'd recommend the following three nearby hotels and/or a cab service, or that you delay your trip until the baby is several months old and our schedule is more predictable." And then just stop debating it with them.
Sorry you are in such a tough spot, hang in there.
My overarching feeling is that they are not at all interested in helping us or making our lives easier after the baby, and that's frustrating.
I agree, that would be incredibly frustrating. My ILs drove 40 min/each way to drop off food for us when J was barely a week old. They popped in, left the food on the island, smiled at me and the baby (both of us were sleeping) and then took off because it wasn't a good time for an actual visit. I mean, that's the kind of folks you need around with a newborn.
I also think VanillaCourage has the right idea - you or H need to tell them the acceptable options and then end of story. The back and forth negotiations are a little crazypants. I'm also hoping that once the little gal is here, H will quickly get on the same page with you. GL!
Post by Ashley&Scott on Jul 31, 2012 10:34:42 GMT -5
Whoa hold the phone. Your DH will be at work during most of their visit. So YOU will have to take baby out solo to meet them. No way.
I did take DS out on my own around 3.5 weeks, but it was on my terms. I went to visit my dad. He did not know we were coming because I didn't want to hurt his feelings if it didn't work out. It was a 15 min drive each way. I was able to nurse while I was there. I think we stayed for 45 min or so.
I also remember doing some quick trips to Target (10 min away) just to get out of the house, starting at 4 weeks. Again these were totally on my own terms, I timed them when DS was in a good mood & I was able to leave whenever I wanted.
Ditto Vanilla, you need to lay out the acceptable options & remind them that no matter what the plans are there may be last minute changes/cancellations. It's really hard to predict your recovery, baby's feeding schedule, temperament, etc.
Since they are being so difficult it really sounds like a later visit when your DH would be available might be better.
Post by vanillacourage on Jul 31, 2012 10:39:50 GMT -5
OMG at your updates. I am so sorry.
I know it's hard, but just keep reminding your DH that your time with your newborn is about your new family, not about pleasing his parents - and it's time you can never get back once it's gone.
I know it's hard, but just keep reminding your DH that your time with your newborn is about your new family, not about pleasing his parents - and it's time you can never get back once it's gone.
This. And I'd take it a step further- I'd remind DH that his mom is an adult who is responsible for her own emotions and decisions. Your baby is a baby and is NOT responsible. The baby and all that comes with it needs to be priority #1. You're not saying that his mom isn't a priority at all - but if she isn't going to be reasonable, you all can't accomodate that.
I don't want to scare you so feel free to stop readingz * * * *
I couldn't sit comfortably in a car for 45 mins a month out. And I didn't have a c-section. I had it pretty bad - worse than most but not all of my friends. It's certainly possible that the drive just won't be possible for you.
I appreciate your candor and the warning asterisks . It's a good reminder that I have no idea WTF awaits me on the other side of delivery.
The good news is that I'm 100% fine now! It was all worth it, but boy was I miserable for a while. I just saw my friend who 2 weeks out is walking miles. I remember when I tried to walk to the end of the block and turned around 1/2 way. So yeah - you never know.
cancel this visit, ILs shouldn't come unless your dh if off work to entertain them!!!
Oh.my.god THIS. Your DH isn't even going to be home? I would absolutely cancel the visit. You won't be in any shape to be driving 45 minutes with a newborn by yourself. DH drove us everywhere for the first couple weeks and I only took short trips for awhile after that. Newborns are on the boob all.the.time. This trip is simply not feasible without your DH to help.
I didn't realize you would be doing the driving. Cancel. Really. I was too sleep deprived to feel confident driving a newborn around then, leaving asside the other physical issues. I assumed, at least, that your DH would be driving.
You won't be in any shape to be driving 45 minutes with a newborn by yourself. DH drove us everywhere for the first couple weeks and I only took short trips for awhile after that. Newborns are on the boob all.the.time. This trip is simply not feasible without your DH to help.
To follow on this, physically I was fine, but we went to a friends party when DS was 2 weeks old. It was about a 1hr/ 15 min trip. I was still in my totally exhausted phase and we were both in this 'Cripes, we need to take everything w/ us except the kitchen sink' stage too.
Getting out of the house on the BEST of days was a total juggle - and this was with BOTH of us doing it.
I would NOT be doing numerous 45 min trips to see people who really don't seem to be all that concerned about seeing you. Only if it's convienent for them will they do it. Otherwise *shrug* oh well.... another time.
I think somewhere in all of this, your DH needs to start accepting who his parents are and even if you all do bend over backwards to accomodate them - no one is really going to walk away from it feeling overly good.
You won't be in any shape to be driving 45 minutes with a newborn by yourself. DH drove us everywhere for the first couple weeks and I only took short trips for awhile after that. Newborns are on the boob all.the.time. This trip is simply not feasible without your DH to help.
To follow on this, physically I was fine, but we went to a friends party when DS was 2 weeks old. It was about a 1hr/ 15 min trip. I was still in my totally exhausted phase and we were both in this 'Cripes, we need to take everything w/ us except the kitchen sink' stage too.
Getting out of the house on the BEST of days was a total juggle - and this was with BOTH of us doing it.
I would NOT be doing numerous 45 min trips to see people who really don't seem to be all that concerned about seeing you. Only if it's convienent for them will they do it. Otherwise *shrug* oh well.... another time.
I think somewhere in all of this, your DH needs to start accepting who his parents are and even if you all do bend over backwards to accomodate them - no one is really going to walk away from it feeling overly good.
I 100% agree this. And start putting your family first now. Trust me, I know from experience that when you let this stuff slide it just gets worse and worse.
Post by Mrs.Syntax on Jul 31, 2012 12:46:34 GMT -5
Wow. Just wow.
Once I read that your DH wasn't even going to be traveling with you to this stupid hotel that is 45 minutes away, my jaw hit the floor. Oh, FUCK no. Until she was like 3 months old, DD was constantly on the boob. We did take road trips but it took us forever to get to the destination because we had to pull off the road to nurse often. I would have never done it alone.
Like others, I was terrible at nursing in public until DD was several months old. I needed complete privacy. Some moms/babies are good at discreet feeding sessions but that's not always the case and you just can't count on that. You also can't count on your baby being willing to wait 2-3 hours between feedings. That's almost completely unrealistic at that stage.
I know it's hard for your DH, but he needs to realize that he's not responsible for your ILs' happiness. It's something I had to learn with my mom, esp. after DD was born.
Post by fortmyersbride on Jul 31, 2012 14:36:33 GMT -5
I just wanted to also add that I find this ridiculous as well. And I think I mentioned this in your pp, but my week with my ILs when DS was a few wks old and DH was working was one of the most miserable weeks of my life. They also expected to be catered to and cared for. I hid in my room all day under the guise of BFing, everyday until DH came home. I can't imagine tossing the added expectation of travel on top of that.
This visit sounds absolutely ridiculous and not at all feasible. Between this and your work situation it sounds like you have a ridiculous amount of pressure right now. Big hugs, i'm thinking about you. Once the baby is here the three of you will be a happy little family and the rest of this crap will just be background noise.
So, you didn't visit last year and, shockingly, the world did not come to an end. It won't come to an end of they cancel this visit and you don't cave to their new guilt.
I repeat, that if they these people flew in and deliberately booked a hotel 45 minutes away for the crazy-ass reason that a ill-sighted, old man used ot know those roads I would visit them exactly ONCE.
Stop negotiating with these people. They are selfish and rude at the worst possible time. When they visit for 8 days and you DON'T feel well enough to drive yourself and a newborn each day or half-way to a restaurnt, then they'll see what a raging bad plan they made.
It's not YOUR JOB to make their bad plan happen. Let it fail.