F/U to vent about ILs visiting

[ilikedonuts]

There is no way in hell I'd go sit in a hotel room with a less than 1 month old. How many stairs would your MIL have to go up to get into your house? I think your ILs are insane to think that this would actually happen.

[nonsenseabound]

Ask them to find a place closer or they will have to come to you. Why a hotel that is 45 min away? That doesn't make sense.

[definitelyO]

I would be feeling the same way as you. I would strongly encourage a closer hotel room and have DH talk to them about it. and then yes, meet them out for lunch, etc... but stiting all day visiting in a hotel room would be a personal hell.

[pierogigirl]

There's no way I'd go to a hotel 45 minutes away. I'd tell them to find one closer or they can see the baby from your window when you hold her up Rapunzel-style. They sound charming.

[Ashley&Scott]

They're being unreasonable. I assume there is a hotel much closer...right?

[Ashley&Scott]

Jul 30, 2012 13:11:02 GMT -5 littlespitfire said:

Jul 30, 2012 13:09:56 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

They're being unreasonable. I assume there is a hotel much closer...right?

Yes, there are hotels galore within a 5-10 minute drive, and even one 3 blocks from our home.

Time to put your foot down & tell them you will not be taking a newborn on 45 minute car rides so they are in their "familiar" hotel.

I somewhat understand MIL wanting to avoid stairs, especially if she has some sort of disability. However they can still make things easier for everyone & stay at a hotel near your home.

[Mushe]

Jul 30, 2012 13:16:12 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

Jul 30, 2012 13:11:02 GMT -5 littlespitfire said:

Yes, there are hotels galore within a 5-10 minute drive, and even one 3 blocks from our home.

Time to put your foot down & tell them you will not be taking a newborn on 45 minute car rides so they are in their "familiar" hotel.

I somewhat understand MIL wanting to avoid stairs, especially if she has some sort of disability. However they can still make things easier for everyone & stay at a hotel near your home.

I completely agree with Ashley. No way would I want to drive 45 min and go hang out in their hotel room at ANY time, let alone with a newborn/4 week old. For context, I flew from CA to PA with my 4 week old so my ILs could see him, so I am not averse to making effort, but this is ridiculous. If they are COMING TO SEE YOU/BABY, they should COME TO YOU.

[pugz]

no, that is fucked up, your dh needs to lay the smackdown right now.

I currently have 90 minutes-2 hours between bf sessions, and she's almost a month old and I cannot imagine nursing her in public. I am topless with my pillows all set up just right to get her on so we are both comfortable. After I feed her for 30-45 minutes I give her a bottle, then I have to pump for 10 minutes. It is an ordeal, 8-9x a day. I am happy to do it but doing it at my parents house over the weekend was hard, having to lock myself in a room away from everyone all the time.

I share my experience because even though many people can just pop the kid on with a cover over them and be on their way, BFing is not so straightforward for many women.

the hotel thing is ridiculous, tell them you straight up will not be driving to see them.
Can your MIL do the stairs or not at all?

[BAMFMrsB]

Jul 30, 2012 13:19:00 GMT -5 Mushe said:

Jul 30, 2012 13:16:12 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

Time to put your foot down & tell them you will not be taking a newborn on 45 minute car rides so they are in their "familiar" hotel.

I somewhat understand MIL wanting to avoid stairs, especially if she has some sort of disability. However they can still make things easier for everyone & stay at a hotel near your home.

I completely agree with Ashley. No way would I want to drive 45 min and go hang out in their hotel room at ANY time, let alone with a newborn/4 week old. For context, I flew from CA to PA with my 4 week old so my ILs could see him, so I am not averse to making effort, but this is ridiculous. If they are COMING TO SEE YOU/BABY, they should COME TO YOU.

The answer is no. They can keep their hotel room 45min away and you can all meet somewhere CLOSE TO YOU AND THE BABY that is on a level surface 8-D OR, the ILs can change to a hotel closer to you. Those are their ONLY 2 options. Have your DH tell his parents this info ad nauseum if need be, and stick to it.

There is no way in hell.... WhoTF asks a new mother to travel with baby to see THEM?! No one.

[Deleted]

Does your MIL have a disability which prevents her from going up stairs or does she just not like to go up them? I'd tell your H to talk to them and say they either need to stay closer or come to your condo.

[pugz]

good lord.

my mom has M.S. and uses a walker 100% of the time now and STILL does the stairs at my house a couple of times a year when we are hosting an event that she wants to come to. We usually go to their house or meet in public but sometimes she insists she will come to our place and my dad helps her up the stairs and then helps her back down.

I know before your FIL was talking about leaving her at home and just coming himself, i honestly think that's the better idea at this point.

Otherwise I think the visit should be postponed to like 4-6 months when you will be able to get out of the house much easier (but they need to get a close hotel, none of this 45min away bullshit).

I am cranky today, lol.

[livinitup]

They can stay wherever they want, but if they were 45 minutes away, I would travel exactly one time with a newborn and consider the effort VERY generous.

[vanillacourage]

My official response is F that noise. No way.

[livinitup]

And I have to say that it is complete bullshit to visit a new mom/newborn, refuse to go to her home and then book a room 45 minutes away for the crazy ass reason that its more familiar. It's a HOTEL ROOM they're all the same. That's a horrible, self-centered, idiotic inconvience to someone who should be HELPED not put upon.

[Deleted]

Yeah in that situation, I would definitely suggest that they either stay at a closer hotel or postpone the visit for a few months. It's really not fair to expect a first time nursing mother to bend over backwards for anyone else right after she just had a baby. Your MIL of all people should know this. She should be offering to come to YOUR house and to do whatever she can to make your first few days pp easier.

Your H needs to put his foot down on this one.

[Jem]

I would just echo everybody else and say your ILs are being absolutely ridiculous. I would hope that once the baby is actually here they change their tune, but they sound a little crazy so I'm guessing that won't happen.

Even in the best bfing scenario you may have to feed baby, get in the car, then baby will want to eat as soon as you get there, you hang out for an hour, baby wants to eat again, etc. It was not uncommon for me to have to feed DS every hour when he was that little.

I'm not sure you said this, but how long are they staying for? If it was one afternoon, maybe I would do it, but anything more than that and I would just extend the invitation to visit at your place and if they can't do that then you'll see them when baby is older.

[ilikedonuts]

Dude, your MIL can walk up some stairs. I thought she was in a wheelchair and couldn't use her legs. I'm sure she walks up stairs at least some point in her life. And the hotel thing is complete craziness. Why wouldn't your husband just tell them no in the first place?

[Jem]

Jul 30, 2012 17:11:16 GMT -5 littlespitfire said:

Jem, they're staying for 8 days.

YIKES!

[pugz]

"Mom, Dad, if you want to stay at the hotel 45 minutes away that is your choice, but we will not be visiting you there as it will be far too disruptive to baby's feeding and sleeping routine."

i don't even know what he should say about the stairs thing...

they just need to get real or cancel this trip, get your dh on the phone with them and then report back.

[badtzmaru22]

I was in an ragey mood about ILs today anyway... but W.T.M.F. I feel bad that maybe she's not as agile as the average person, but if you need a surgery, get the freaking surgery and stop being an AW about it!! Otherwise I don't even believe her!!! And 45 minutes away?!! Come the eff on!!

[curbsideprophet]

That is crazy. Do they expect you to do this every day for 8 days? I would tell them right now that is not going to work for you. Either they can come to your home or stay at a closer hotel.

[Deleted]

I don't want to scare you so feel free to stop readingz
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I couldn't sit comfortably in a car for 45 mins a month out. And I didn't have a c-section. I had it pretty bad - worse than most but not all of my friends. It's certainly possible that the drive just won't be possible for you.

[bunch]

Fuck that.

[thedash]

No! No, no, no. That will not work at all!

I guess it could for some people who have a super easy delivery and amazing luck nursing. But for 99.9% of the recent moms I have known this would be anywhere from exhausting and stressful to disastrous.

FWIW, my parents are similar about travel (although they have diagnosed illnesses which actually make it tough but not impossible) and they did not come visit when DS was born. They met him when he was about 2.5 months old and we met halfway where we got a suite at a hotel. It was a little sad but oh well, that's life. They can't and/or won't travel and I wasn't gonna kill myself to get to them before I was ready. Why is all this stress and pressure on you to figure out how they will see him? You have enough to think about right now.

I say let them come check in there. If it's too far then say "oh no we can't come to your hotel! You can drive to our house or nearby and visit between feedings and naps." if they don't like it or it's not working out they can fucking check out and find a hotel closer.

[Saudade]

We drove 3 hours to a family event when DS was 5 weeks old. It was pure torture. I had a fine c/s and a rough recovery and the car ride was not that bad. But DS and I had just gotten started breastfeeding 2 weeks before so we hadn't really gotten the hang of things. He was also sooo colicky and wouldn't nap. It took us 5 hours to get down there and 4 to get home. I'm pretty sure he screamed the whole way.

I would not be ok with what your ILs are proposing and if I couldn't get my DH to stand up then I would probably have to do it myself. This is not the time to play doormat. Your ILs need to suck it up and stay by you or not come at all. Be strong! Good luck!

[zarapipe]

What does your DH say about this? Ditto the carrying up the stairs thing.. a little weird, but if they really wanted to come I think she would be ok with it.. but with your answers I doubt she would. Sorry

How about a public space near your condo building? You could run over after a feeding. Stay for an hour and say "sorry gotta go!"

[sewpinkgal]

We drove 1hr each way to my MIL's big 60th birthday party on the Queen Mary when J was 5 weeks old. My ILs are really lovely people and I knew this party meant a lot to her, so we made it work. I nursed him in the bar (!!) at the restaurant and then in the car before we got on the road home. I didn't mind because I really love them and they are so good to us, but it was not a fun or easy night for me. I was stressed about nursing and whether he was going to have a meltdown, etc.

For ILs that are difficult? Nope. Wouldn't do it.

[jena]

My 2nd delivery was not too hard and my recovery was easy. BFing came very easy to me as well.

And I still say HELL NO. No, non, nein, not-gonna-happen. I would not be ok with this situation and the drive itself would SUCK. I would drive 45 min each way to visit a relative for ONE day. But not daily.

It is your DH that needs to put his foot down. Presumably he is also familiar with the hotel in his home town - he can volunteer to go see the closest hotel so he can reassure them that it is up to their exacting small town standards.

I would be ok with a hotel right around the corner. But I would probably also push for them to come upstairs to your condo at least a couple times. Once she gets up there she can rest.

[jinnifah]

Yeah, I was definitely not able to nurse without first exposing myself completely to the world until very recently. Not to mention the numerous growth spurts and resultant cluster feeding that happen in the first 6 weeks - you may only have 90mins between sessions.

Maybe you could just be very straightforward that unless they want to spend their visits with you getting flashed and staring at the back of a baby's head, they need to be in a closer hotel room.

[ECB]

First, do you KNOW that they "expect" you to come to them?

If so, then to ditto all the others- I would NOT do this.

First- you have NO IDEA what condition you're going to be in.

Second, if you do it this time, they will expect you to do it every time. No. Set a clear boundary now - you will not be traveling 45 mins each way to go see them when they are supposedly coming to see you.

it's not going to get easier as your child gets older. Well, yes, it will - but at 3.5, my DS's idea of a good time would NOT be going and hanging out in a hotel room. That's what I mean by "it won't get easier".

Put your foot down. I hope your DH is on the same page as you. If he isn't, then tell him that HE is more than welcome to go visit his parents all he wants, but that you and the baby will be styaing at home.

And a note about the stairs - my MIL is the same way. She "can't do stairs" even though I've seen her do them enough that she IS able to - she just chooses not to. I know they aren't easy for her, and she really can't do them a lot. But here and there - she is capable of doing it.