I need some assistance please-impact letter

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DH got transferred to the step-down facility today. So far I'm in love with the people-far, far better than the experience with the detox facility. 

The therapist asked me to write an impact letter. I don't know what to write-because from what I see, him being gone for 6 weeks is the first impact the drinking has had on me. The drinking occurred after work-which, for him, was 11pm-when I was asleep. And on the weekends, it never appeared that he was drunk or unable to care for our son, our house, etc. 

I guess the secret keeping has hurt-and I don't know the extent to which he was drinking, and that secret-keeping I associate with him leaving. 

I asked the therapist if she had any thoughts based on the limited information I gave her-I included the fact that going and finding craft breweries, etc. when we went on vacation was something we enjoyed together. She said to really think hard about always having a drink vs. always having to have a drink, and I'm having a hard time separating the enjoyment factor from the have to have a drink piece. 

Can anyone help me with some sort of guiding questions? I guess I'm hoping that something will trigger some sort of ah-ha moment. I've asked a couple IRL friends who know about all of this as well and hopefully something, somewhere, will make me think about things a bit differently.

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I would say his secret keeping has affected your marriage (you two are supposed to be a team) and it's affected your emotional security. Perhaps his being hungover affected his ability to relate to you.


There's are lots of ways his drinking has affected you which are not readily apparent. You must dig deep.

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Oct 24, 2014 12:55:14 GMT -5 toastie said:

I would tell him that the secret has ruined your trust in him. Bringing up that it ruins your ability to enjoy a drink together almost sounds like your blaming him for being an addict (I'm not saying you are, but I found with my DH that if I said something about how my life has changed he would turn it into me blaming him).
As PP said you have to dig deep. Were you walking on eggshells to keep him happy? Did you feel like he was constantly fighting with you? Did you worry about him being too drunk to get up for work? Was he happy and engaged on the weekends or grumpy and moody?

I can totally see how things would turn to me blaming him-which is something he's working on with the therapist (self-esteem issues). I'm sure that there will be times where I'll be bitter about not being able to do certain things-but I'm not at that point yet since he's not home, KWIM? I also admit I have a bit of a fear of writing this letter because of the self-esteem issues, but I know it's important for both of us. 

The eggshells thing is a good point; there were times, but looking back it's hard to tell whether it was the situational stress or if it was the drinking-or a combo of both. Definitely something to think more about. We weren't constantly fighting (in fact-we used to argue a LOT and it was super ugly-getting a bit older and realizing what's worth it and what's not has helped a ton) and since I didn't know about the drinking-no way to worry. Weekends were generally happy/engaged.  

I keep trying to think more about what did I miss, what did I assume was normal but wasn't, etc. to see if there's something there that affected me and I didn't realize it.

The emotional security is a good point too flex-and something I can definitely build on a bit.  

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Trust in your marriage.

His ability to parent your child in the future.

His ability to work and maintain your lifestyle in the future.

If he was that facile in his ability lie, what else is going on that you might not know about.

Your security has been rocked (emotionally and financially).

etc. etc.
These are just ideas, not sure if you are feeling them. Ask God to help you create your letter. You'll be able to come up with an excellent statement. Again, I'm not saying my list is your list, but just some ideas to contemplate.   (heart)