ML moms, can I bend your ears?

[Deleted]

I have two DDs, one just turned 6 and one about to turn 5. My 6 year old is pretty well behaved most of the time. She does whine when she doesn't get her way, but she is getting better. We also constantly have to remind her to say please and thank you, but that's really about all.

My almost 5 year old though, wow. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. She is the sweetest, most loving, most polite child ever, but then something (any small thing) can set her off and she loses her shit. She screams, throws stuff, tells me she doesn't love me and wants to live somewhere else, you name it.

This has been going on for as long as I can remember, and I'm just at a loss. Nothing is ever her fault, it is always someone else's fault, they caused her to do it, etc.

Is there any hope that this will ease up once Kindergarten starts? Does anyone have any experience, words of wisdom?

[Deleted]

I am not a parent, but my sister was like this growing up. She is 23 now and still has anger issues.

[saraandmichael]

what do you do when she throws these fits?

[Deleted]

We put her in her room. Totally against ML rules I know but we turned the doorknob around.

[jinkies]

I have no advice, since my 4 year old son is the exact same way. He has been, um, "spirited" since he was a baby. I am bracing myself for the possibility that this is just his personality. I find that trying to placate him or even showing any emotion when he's upset just exacerbates it. I try to just send him to his room/ ignore till he calms down, as long as he's not actively throwing things. I'm not sure that's the right way to do it though. He does usually apologize on his own once he calms down.

On his preschool report card the only thing that was still marked as "needs work" at the end of the year was "controlling his emotions".

[Deleted]

Lucy, you really think this is something the pediatrician would be able to help with?

[Deleted]

She is back there right now screaming her head off. Sigh. She started throwing a fit while we were out to eat and it has been nonstop since.

[iamgrace]

I would definitely be talking to your dr about this.

[speckledfrog]

Does she go to preschool? If your pedi isn't any help then ask the director at your school if she/he has a recommendation to a play therapist. We had quite a few children that went to play therapists for a variety of reasons.

[Deleted]

Thanks. I will call tomorrow. The NP at the office actually witnessed it at her checkup a few weeks ago but despite my comments on the frequency of it did not seem concerned. Maybe if we devote an appt to it it will help.

[Deleted]

She just goes to a daycare center that acts as a preschool. She is so much better for them for the most part. She was named most huggable during preschool graduation.

[onomatopoeia]

I'm typing on an iPad, so please bear with me. My 6 year old (my oldest) is exactly like this and has been his whole life. Sweet and loving, but can turn into a monster with little or no (to us) provocation. Dh and I look back to when he was a newborn and I swear I can remember small signs of what was to come. It's been quite a journey for dh and I, I could write a book. Some of it has improved with age, some of it improved when he started the regular structure of kindergarten with a kickass teacher who "got" him. The best thing we did was go to parent counseling with a developmental psychologist, and start therapy for him as well. We just started it this year, I wish we'd done it years ago. It could have saved me years of guilt and feeling like i was the worst mom ever, and could have saved him years of unexplained anger, frustration, and anxiety. There are many things you can do to help her (and maintain your sanity). I also have a 3 year old who is, um, typical. Night and day, it's hard not to compare.

Definitely ask your pedi. Mine was kind of useless, I actually got more help from my health insurance company when I called to ask about services I/he qualified for. So just a heads up that if he/she minimizes your concerns, keep advocating.

The book " the explosive child" was also helpful. I think the author is Russ Greene.

[Deleted]

I will check out the book. Thanks. I am so sad. Her sister got to go spend the night with my in-laws and swim tomorrow but we chose to keep her home because of her behavior. She is so upset, and it tears me apart. I hope we can figure this out.

[saraandmichael]

Well, I also have my youngest son's doorknob turned around. He is just now starting to stay in his room on his own without it locked. Its tough.

I would definitely continue with swift action/reaction. She starts to throw a fit/hit/throw/whatever and then you pick her up, tell her "You do not ______" and then plop her in her room for however long you decide she stays in there.

And I also think a call to her pedi would be beneficial. Maybe they can suggest something.

[Deleted]

My 4.5 year old DD is like this too. I've really been trying lately to work with her on stopping the tantrum before it escalates. Because once it escalates, there is really nothing that can stop it, and it's like she loses all control and power of rational thought. It's really sad. If it gets to that point, I just try to hug her really tightly and sometimes that works. But to try to avoid getting to the tantrum point, I've been talking to her a LOT about what makes her mad, how we can prevent it, etc. It's helping, I think? I'm going to talk to the pedi next time we go in to see her.

[Deleted]

Part of me is glad to see I'm not the only one but it makes me sad for everyone else too. This is an awful feeling. Ugh.

[Deleted]

good luck to you all.

[onomatopoeia]

Jul 30, 2012 20:29:43 GMT -5 @strawberrystar said:

Part of me is glad to see I'm not the only one but it makes me sad for everyone else too. This is an awful feeling. Ugh.

Yeah, it can feel pretty isolating. No one posts statuses on Facebook about how their 4 year old has been raging in his room for over an hour while mom sits crying outside because she doesn't know what to do, all because he got the wrong color of juice cup. Social events were nerve wracking in that you never knew what to expect. My mom thought he needed more socialization and my sil thought he needed a good spanking. (eta: both of whom didn't actually see him that much. It was my mil, who babysat him regularily, who knew something was different and really supported us in our struggle to figure out how to help him).

One thing that helped a lot for us (and your dd may have different needs) is to have a very clear routine and over-talk what was going to happen, what was expected, what the schedule was, what different outcomes could be, etc. Make it light and casual, and do it before any behavior starts. Talking and reading about feelings a lot. Really focus on understanding the causes of the behavior, instead of relying solely on consequences. I know with ds, he didn't give a shit what the punishment was...it just made him madder, and he couldn't generalize it to next time. When you do have to implement consequences (which obviously you will) be very neutral in voice and tone. Ds would have a picture/sequence in in head about what would or should happen, and when reality differed a bit he had a hard time adjusting to the new reality (still does, but he is getting better). So basically he was getting punished for not having the coping skills that other kids do. I actually use a lot of techniques similar to those that work with autistic kids.

Good luck!