checking in

[Deleted]

How's everyone doing?  I've been working a lot as we are having our annual meeting, a four day event.  Working late and getting up early because my kitten won't let me sleep in.  Feeling exhausted but looking forward to the all day board meeting tomorrow!  Then the end.  Next year our four day event will be out of state.  That might be fun.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

[arch01]

I'm ok. DS is giving me a run for my money right now, typical toddler stuff. Yesterday I had a friend install the doors to our laundry closet, my goal is to get it done before DH comes home (2 weeks). I have a cleaning lady coming Friday, so I'm in the process of a major purge. DH seems to be doing well. We're both anxious for him to be home and start our new normal.

[flex]

I'm doing just fine. I'm in between work trips so it's so nice to be able to stay home and not have to plan or pack for some out of town event. I actually have time to catch up on stuff at home.

I went to conference yesterday and got a TON of swag from the different booths. If anyone needs some pens, I got a bunch in different colors. lol  I also spent over $300 on some Native art and a beautiful handmade kuspuk.

The kuspuk is a traditional Yupik overshirt. The once I purchased is made out of silk and the colors in it are gorgeous. These pictures don't do it justice. I can't wait to wear it to work tomorrow.


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[malibu]

Hi. I am ok. I had a root canal on Saturday, and I have another one on Thursday. My mouth is awfully sore.

[SwimDeep]

I haven't posted in a while...I'm not doing so great.

Had a few moments in the last few days where I really, truly thought I was done with everything. Marriage, family, life...everything. I don't feel like I can do anything right, and I'm really fucking tired.

Still here though. Therapy tomorrow, and I think my H is finally going to come with me. I don't like that it took me breaking down the way I did for him to see how important it was that he start coming with me...but he said he would come, so...small positive? I just hope she'll be able to help us regain some sort of emotional connection because right now I'm completely disconnected.

[Deleted]

Oct 27, 2014 15:17:14 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

I haven't posted in a while...I'm not doing so great.

Had a few moments in the last few days where I really, truly thought I was done with everything. Marriage, family, life...everything. I don't feel like I can do anything right, and I'm really fucking tired.

Still here though. Therapy tomorrow, and I think my H is finally going to come with me. I don't like that it took me breaking down the way I did for him to see how important it was that he start coming with me...but he said he would come, so...small positive? I just hope she'll be able to help us regain some sort of emotional connection because right now I'm completely disconnected.

Oh no. I'm sorry you are feeling so down.  Crossing my fingers that the therapy will be a good session.

[btay]

Oct 27, 2014 15:17:14 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

I haven't posted in a while...I'm not doing so great.

Had a few moments in the last few days where I really, truly thought I was done with everything. Marriage, family, life...everything. I don't feel like I can do anything right, and I'm really fucking tired.

Still here though. Therapy tomorrow, and I think my H is finally going to come with me. I don't like that it took me breaking down the way I did for him to see how important it was that he start coming with me...but he said he would come, so...small positive? I just hope she'll be able to help us regain some sort of emotional connection because right now I'm completely disconnected.

 ((()))  My H and I are still struggling to reconnect, and I will say therapy has been a major help in the process. 

[arch01]

Hugs, SwimDeep.

[mel]

I'm doing okay. I started a new medication and am starting to look at ways to be more social and make a life for myself. My brother moved over the weekend and I've had a few emotional moments but overall I am okay.

I've been pretty physically ill for the past few weeks and am hoping that I have finally turned the corner. We will see.

My custody case stalled out and ultimately ended up getting dropped. DS seems to be doing well so I'm okay with this arrangement right now.

[malibu]

Oct 27, 2014 15:17:14 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

I haven't posted in a while...I'm not doing so great.

Had a few moments in the last few days where I really, truly thought I was done with everything. Marriage, family, life...everything. I don't feel like I can do anything right, and I'm really fucking tired.

Still here though. Therapy tomorrow, and I think my H is finally going to come with me. I don't like that it took me breaking down the way I did for him to see how important it was that he start coming with me...but he said he would come, so...small positive? I just hope she'll be able to help us regain some sort of emotional connection because right now I'm completely disconnected.

I'm sorry SwimDeep. How did therapy go? Did you make any progress?

I've been doing therapy now once every two weeks since...September, I think? August? I don't remember now. The last few sessions have focused on the anxiety I have about going to the dentist, which has helped me get through the root canal and I have almost no anxiety about getting the other one done tomorrow. I hope it's helping you.

Are you able to get away on your own for a while? Long weekend? Just veg out in a hotel and watch bad TV and go to a hot tub or something? I know it isn't always possible to do it; if you can, I hope you try to get away. I can commiserate on feeling just d.o.n.e. with everything. It sounds like your H isn't really trying to communicate well, get along with you, etc. and that can absolutely be exhausting as hell to deal with.

[SwimDeep]

Thank you, everyone, for the hugs and good thoughts. I really do appreciate it.

The therapy session went well, even if H ultimately didn't come with me. It turned out his plan was to drive me and then sit in the waiting room, so I told him I'd be more comfortable if I just went by myself. I think it worked out for the best because I was able to be honest with her about where my thoughts/emotions were during my breakdowns. She told me that my primary focus should be on taking care of myself. Couples counseling will come.

I'm in a better place now. H's birthday was yesterday, and we actually had a pretty good day and were able to connect a little bit. Tomorrow we're going on the first real date we've been on in years.

malibu, I would really, really love to get away for a long weekend by myself. As far as H is concerned, he's a brilliant communicator and I'm the one who needs to work on my communication. It is so.exhausting. Especially when I try to tell him how I feel like he's dismissing what I'm trying to say and he counters by telling me I'm not offering a rational argument.

I've been seeing my therapist about every other week since April, and it's helping me learn how afraid I am of being vulnerable with my H. I've isolated myself from everyone (including him) for a very long time. Breaking down those barriers is scary, and is probably what sent me into a tailspin over the weekend. I told her that I feel like the pressure is all on me to fix everything, get along, be agreeable, etc.

sorry, I'm rambling now...
H and I talked about couples counseling again this morning. From his perspective, it doesn't make sense to start going together until both of us are in a healthy place. He feels like I need to focus more on myself and repairing relationships with my family. I can't seem to get across to him how "apart" from him I feel. I have no idea if couples counseling will help us reconnect, but I do know that it feels impossible for me to reconnect with him on my own.

[flex]

SwimDeep I've said this before on GBCN: my ex-dh (notice I said "ex") refused to go to couples counseling with me because he said "two adults should be able to talk with one another" on relationship issues.

That's great, but what if you're a domineering a-hole (like ex-dh) who refuses to listen to the spouse's concerns/point of view?

Needless to say, we have been divorced for over 12 years now. I can't believe that I put with his behavior, which was a combination of out-and-out bullying and passive aggressive tactics (like not speaking to me for days on end) for 17 years. Oh well...live and learn.

[SwimDeep]

flex - I think my H's reasoning is that the counselor isn't going to say or do anything to help us that we're not already doing. We both make an effort to speak in love, use "when you do/say X, I feel Y" statements, try not to place blame...
The longer I'm in therapy, the more I'm beginning to realize how deep in depression I am. I feel like my perception of reality is still so twisted.

H isn't perfect, and there are certainly times he can be downright insensitive, but he's not the only one at fault in this relationship. And I'm not ready to throw in the towel...yet. I do appreciate you sharing your experience, though. Thank you