Marriage help - big picture to do lists

[anna7602]

DH is motivated by money. I give him to-dos that result in a direct financial benefit for us: dealing with FSA reimbursements, dropping off donations and getting the tax form in return, etc.

[Sloane]

We basically each have domains that become more refined the longer we're married. I don't touch yardwork, car maintenance, garbages, fixing things, he doesn't touch clothing/closet clean ups, major house purchases, gifts or vacation planning. It also means we don't get to bitch about how the other handles it.

[hermione]

Making a list isn't difficult. It wouldn't bother me to make the list as long as my husband was willing to do the actual work to get things checked off of it.

[cricketwife]

Is he doing his share if the list? Dh is usually happy to share all tasks but sometimes he just doesn't know what needs to be done unless I tell him.

[Deleted]

Meh. I just do all of that stuff and it's fine. He calls repairmen and deals with them.

[chickens987]

Oct 26, 2014 16:17:33 GMT -5 @simpledog said:

Oct 26, 2014 16:01:29 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

Is he doing his share if the list? Dh is usually happy to share all tasks but sometimes he just doesn't know what needs to be done unless I tell him.

Yep, he does whatever I ask him to do. I'm just sick of asking. I guess I should Juergen let it go.

ETA- not sick of asking, sick of feeling like if I don't put it on our list, it would never occur to him to do. Like he would never: get the car inspected, get the pets to the vet, get life insurance, etc. I'm doing a terrible job articulating this. 

I understand where you're coming from. A lot of us have expressed similar frustrations specifically when it comes to parenting, feeling like we're the ones who think about things like: when to introduce a sippy cup, when to change out seasonal clothing, etc.

My H doesn't do these things either. I have accepted that, and like you, am in charge of the "arrangements". It's even more extreme in our case, and I will probably be shunned by the board, but I do things like make his hair cut appointments. After 11 years, it's how things will be and I am ok with that. He has some things he takes care of - he does most of the heavy reno on the house now, feeds/walks the dogs every day, etc. The only caveat I put in place is that he needs to not hound me if I'm not doing something the way he'd prefer it or in the correct (according to him) timeframe.

[SJ]

I am you. I feel like I "manage" the household.

DH never does dishes, schedules repairmen, sends holiday cards, buys gifts, washes bottles, pays bills or deals with finances, makes the bed or puts laundry away.

But he does the laundry, takes out garbage, does 100% of morning childcare and dropoff, does the interior decorating, manages the car, and many other things.

So I have given up nagging or trying to get him to do the things that aren't in his wheelhouse. The division of labor doesn't have to be equal to be fair.

[heygrey]

i keep the list and complete probably 80% of what's on it myself. i go through phases of being annoyed that he isn't helping out more, but i work less hours than him and generally have a better grasp on these sort of tasks so in our house it makes sense that it falls on me.

[mlvmd]

I do 99% of the home management type things. He will often take his car in if I remind him but I will take it 50% of the time. He is normally the person responsible for all kid sick days and repairmen visits because he is home during the day. He can handle these things but paperwork/financial things are not his strong suit but they are mine. Sometimes I feel like a parent when there is something that I need paperwork for that only he can do (his work stuff) but I have moved most things to my work (FSA, health care, etc) so the only things he is left with are leave requests and life insurance.

[Mushe]

This is the same in my marriage, and the root of our disagreements. It's incredibly frustrating that he can micromanage details of vacation planning that's years away, but can't be trusted to set up a dentist appointment for our child. I'm not sure how to fix it, but you are absolutely not alone,

[dcn]

I am you. But DH is pretty good about following through if I ask him to complete a task. I got over wishing he was more proactive a long time ago. Stuff like insurance etc I handle bc I have more time and otherwise he would just not do it.

We talk about things/deadlines coming up and split up what we can.

[asoctoberfalls]

I'm you, except my H has NO idea how much work I do or how much time and energy all that crap takes. He also does very little of the day to day stuff, like chores and cleaning. He does a LOT with DS, so I actually resent him less than I used to before we had DS. We both work full time, but I do 90% of the work it takes to keep our household running. I have no advice. Everything I've tried has caused major problems.

[water*drop]

I manage most of the behind-the-scenes parenting and life-related things like making sure DD has clothes for the next season, scheduling appointments, planning activities, insurance stuff, taxes, etc. DH manages most of the household maintenance stuff like home repairs (either DIY or scheduling), yard work, all of the car stuff, etc. We split the household chores and active parenting, with him doing more of the chores and me doing more of the active parenting (by my choice; if I say that I'd rather clean the kitchen, he's happy to trade jobs).

I sometimes get overwhelmed by all of the behind-the-scenes stuff, and then I just make a list and ask him to help. He appreciates all of the invisible stuff that I do, though, so that helps a lot.

[xokell2]

Oct 26, 2014 19:38:03 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

I'm you, except my H has NO idea how much work I do or how much time and energy all that crap takes. He also does very little of the day to day stuff, like chores and cleaning. He does a LOT with DS, so I actually resent him less than I used to before we had DS. We both work full time, but I do 90% of the work it takes to keep our household running. I have no advice. Everything I've tried has caused major problems.

This is kind of where I'm at too. I've tried everything under the sun to make it change but nothing works. The only thing that really helps me is to stop keeping score and accept the fact that it's just how he is.

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2014 17:09:30 GMT -5 Mushe said:

This is the same in my marriage, and the root of our disagreements. It's incredibly frustrating that he can micromanage details of vacation planning that's years away, but can't be trusted to set up a dentist appointment for our child. I'm not sure how to fix it, but you are absolutely not alone,

OH MY GOD, your H does this too!? Mine will have lengthy, detailed spreadsheets planning trips to Europe that we really can't afford, while I'm simultaneously shooting him death glares for not fucking vacuuming while I do dishes!

@simpledog I have had a similar ongoing argument with my H for the last year and a half. I just want someone to anticipate like I do. Anticiapate that de needs to establish care with a dentist. Anticipate the dog need her annual check. Anticipate having the sprinklers blown out, etc and on and on. I have no real answer, but share your frustration.

[oliviapope]

We had this issue years ago, but it ended up being more of a communication issue. He thought I should be thinking about it, and I thought he should! We sat down at a neutral time (not when either of us was upset about something not getting done) and delegated duties together. He does the animals, I do the kids appointments, etc... It works best for us to divide by category. Daily household stuff has really not been an issue.

When we were discussing things I made sure to say things like "we need to make sure the dogs get the care they need. How do you think we can do that?" He just said I will handle it-and he does.

[jena]

I make the lists. The first year or two I struggled with this, but I've just accepted it over the years. If there's stuff I want done, then u need to make the lists. Dh does however do things on the list without being asked (assuming I've shared it with him). He also take care of his personal appts and paperwork (Dr appt and car registration mostly). Oh, and he does dishes and keeps me in clean underwear so that goes a long way.

[bunnymendelbaum]

We had this issue.

We sat down and divided chores and that part works. What didn't work was dividing the tasks like scheduling appointments, researching options, insurance, paying bills, etc.

I realized that I actually don't mind doing all the stuff, I just wanted to feel acknowledged and appreciated for it. I wanted him to understand why it was important.

I still struggle with it, but I've mostly just let it go. Would I rather be mad for 3 months about something or take the 3 minutes to do it myself?

[barefootcontessa]

People have different personalities and different abilities. I try to anticipate more ahead of time whereas my DH does not. But my DH is incredibly good under pressure and can get things done quickly when it is needed whereas I panic. Different strengths. If I were you, I would just stop the checking and let the chips fall where they may. So he misses his car registration deadline? Then I guess he has to pay a fee or something. It is unlikely he is going to start taking ownership of these things if he knows you will always follow-up with him. It sounds like you parent him, honestly.

[gibbinator]

I would say that the way we divide chores has me primarily being in charge of organizing everyone's life (from meal planning to making everyone's dr/dentist/eye appointments to vetting contractors to stocking the diaper bag for outings), and dh primarily doing routine tasks (dishes, floors, lawn mowing, snow shoveling... ) . So he looks a lot busier and his work is more noticeable, but I've always got lots going on.

[simpsongal]

I'm the manager in the relationship. I'm learning to delegate, but ultimately, I'm the one balancing the balls in the air. We're both fine with the arrangement b/c (1) I'm type A; (2) I like to be in control; and (3) I think it's helpful to have one person accountable for this type of stuff. DH has a little OCD, so he's not as good as floating and multi-tasking things, he'll get hung up on things.

The only stuff I leave to him are things that concern only him - even then I try to remind him to schedule dentist appointments and whatnot.

[Deleted]

You've got a pretty classic personality conflict. This isn't a right/wrong thing. This isn't a thing that's going to change because your way is better. Sorry - I'm doing a bit of Meyers Briggs shit for work, and what you're describing is just so predictable in people of opposing types. DH is a last minute, good under pressure kind of guy. I'm a plan ahead, steady-as-she-goes kind of gal. He drives me crazy sometimes, but we do balance each other out.

[leonard131]

H and I have come up with a pretty good split although I am more in charge of M's stuff and basic schedules. I take care of household tasks, M's stuff, and all social stuff. He does cars, some bills,and bigger ticket financial stuff that might need to get done.

We each are responsible for our own stuff. So I pay my own credit card bill, make my own appointments etc.

[SJ]

Oct 27, 2014 9:02:06 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

You've got a pretty classic personality conflict. This isn't a right/wrong thing. This isn't a thing that's going to change because your way is better. Sorry - I'm doing a bit of Meyers Briggs shit for work, and what you're describing is just so predictable in people of opposing types. DH is a last minute, good under pressure kind of guy. I'm a plan ahead, steady-as-she-goes kind of gal. He drives me crazy sometimes, but we do balance each other out.

Exactly. I am an ESTJ and he is an INFP. I don't stress about it- I just embrace our differences. So he doesn't keep up with spreadsheets, and I don't dream and envision household decor

[aspentosh]

I didn't read all the responses, but I do this with H. I make a list, mainly because I know what needs to be done better than he does. I say "better" because I open the mail, get the reminder emails, and stay home so I see the to-do pile stack up.

As long as I make a list and let him know what needs to be done, he does it. And I am fine with this (assuming basic duties like cleaning up after yourself are done without prompting) because I have a running list for myself so it's not any extra work.

Over the past 10 years we've got it down to a science, but I've started delegating more to him because I was a bit overwhelmed. Ex: he has to keep an eye on his meds and order them when he is running low. This applies to his toiletries (I'll order when he tells me), laundry (I'll throw in a load when he is running low on undershirts), etc.