having a crisis of conscience

[qcinoct]

DH's niece (I'd call her my niece, but she's only 5 years younger than me!) has been TTC for 4+ years. They've had repeated cancelled embryo transfers and it's looking like assisted reproduction isn't going to work for them. Her mother (my SIL) was babysitting for us on Saturday evening and mentioned niece's recent cancelled treatment, and asked (I thought jokingly) if I wanted to be a surrogate. I told her that pregnancy and me just don't agree. She said that she'd do it in a heartbeat if she were 15 years younger (she's 60). I suggested SIL's other daughter-in-law but she's in the US (we're in Canada) and that wouldn't work with insurance. She does have a handful of 20-something female cousins in the area, so there are other family members to ask, as well as friends.

I had two terrible pregnancies, with some PPD/PPA thrown in for good measure. I'll be 40 in a couple of months. I made DH get a vasectomy last month because the thought of being pregnant again makes me shudder. Yet, I'm feeling so terrible about niece's situation and like I'm a horrible person because I don't want to loan out my uterus.

[changedname]

That's a toughie but it's your body and if you don't want to, then don't. I went through 2 years of IF and would never have wanted someone to feel forced into being a surrogate if I had needed one. To be honest, it's not really your SIL's place to bring it up.

Changed MIL to SIL

[changedname]

Oh and your SIL could be a surrogate if she wants. According to my RE, the uterus doesn't really age, it's the eggs so she could probably carry the baby to term as easily as you.

See also - www.amazon.ca/Bringing-Finn-Extraordinary-Surrogacy-Story/dp/1580054102

ETA - Changed MIL to SIL

[qcinoct]

Yeah, totally not SILs place, but that's how my in-laws roll.

[justjen]

I would have to be REALLY REALLY close to someone to even consider that, and even then, I don't know if I could handle it emotionally or physically. This is not something I would do for DH's niece.

[sjh722]

That's a lot to ask of someone. My pregnancies aren't horrible, but I feel sick and miserable and exhausted, and I have back problems on top of it - I would be a surrogate for exactly no one except MAYBE my own sister. MAYBE.

Don't feel guilty for one second about saying no. That's a really weird thing for your SIL to suggest.

[Deleted]

Eh. I would feel bad about the situation but I would not at all feel bad over not wanting to be a surrogate. That's a lot of ask of anyone (physically and emotionally) and I'm pretty sure 99.9% of people would say no.

[ktw]

Being a surrogate is way too much of a sacrifice for you and your family for you to do it if you don't really want to. I think it's an amazing thing to do for someone, and I think that people who do it are wonderful, but I just don't think that I could do it, and that's ok. I did not particularly enjoy being pregnant with my own kid, let alone someone else's. I guess it would somewhat depend on who asked me, but it would have to be someone way closer to me than it sounds like you are to your H's niece for me to even consider it. Don't feel guilty!

[DarcyLongfellow]

I wouldn't feel guilty at all. You have no obligation to be a surrogate for her. At all.

If you were close to her and felt moved to do it, then awesome. But no one owes that to anyone.

[qcinoct]

thanks for the validation. I really do feel terribly for niece, but SIL put me in such an awkward situation, even if she was mostly joking.

[MadamePresident]

I have pretty easy pregnancies and labors. I might would do it for sometime I was really closer to, but even then I think it would be so hard emotionally.

[Deleted]

Yeah, I have a friend that has been a surro a couple of times now. It is VERY emotionally taxing and challenging, and she went into it wholeheartedly. I wouldn't do it out of guilt. I hope that if surrogacy is the route they choose, they find someone that is a perfect fit for them.

[hopecounts]

She has an embryo problem not a Ute problem.
Traditional surrogacy (your egg her DH's sperm) is almost never done anymore due to the legal and emotional complications.
She needs to look into Donor Eggs or Donor Embryos or Adoption based on what you are saying.

[Deleted]

Don't feel bad. Being a surrogate is a lot to ask of someone, a LOT. I would guess most people wouldn't jump at the opportunity for any variety of reasons. I would probably do it for my sister but don't think I would for anyone else.

[qcinoct]

Oct 27, 2014 12:39:54 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

She has an embryo problem not a Ute problem.
Traditional surrogacy (your egg her DH's sperm) is almost never done anymore due to the legal and emotional complications.
She needs to look into Donor Eggs or Donor Embryos or Adoption based on what you are saying.

They said that they cancelled her last 3 attempts at FET because her lining is too thin. She's only done one fresh cycle. She does have 6 frozen embryos, but it could be a combination problem.

[caramia]

I'm coming at this from the other side & still agree with you OP. I have some health problems that could make pregnancy miserable for me. My sister offered to be a surrogate if I run into problems. I know she really means it... but I'd struggle with putting her through that (and she's younger and came back from her pregnancies fairly well). If I were in that situation we'd probably go to some kind of counseling together & spend a lot of time discussing it - NO way could I guilt someone into carrying a baby for me.

[hopecounts]

Oct 27, 2014 12:49:49 GMT -5 qcinoct said:

Oct 27, 2014 12:39:54 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

She has an embryo problem not a Ute problem.
Traditional surrogacy (your egg her DH's sperm) is almost never done anymore due to the legal and emotional complications.
She needs to look into Donor Eggs or Donor Embryos or Adoption based on what you are saying.

They said that they cancelled her last 3 attempts at FET because her lining is too thin. She's only done one fresh cycle. She does have 6 frozen embryos, but it could be a combination problem.

I assumed it was due to the embryos arresting.
If it's thin lining that is usually fixable she just needs her protocol tweaked. 
It sounds like she is oversupressing during the pre-lining phase, I doubt you know but I would wonder what her RE has done to improve her lining building during that phase. Is she doing lupron? It can oversuppress some people and kill their lining.
She should be on estrogen shots or vivelle patches (or similar) which typically thicken the lining better.
At home she should be drinking POM juice and taking a baby aspirin (after discussing with her care provider) to better improve blood flow to the ute. 
She also might consider drinking Red Rasberry Leaf tea in between and prior to transfer which also works as a uterine tonic and can improve blood flow. 

[meltoine]

I know how you feel. My own sister asked me to be a surrogate for her and I had to say no, for a variety of reasons. It's so hard to say no to someone when you theoretically have the ability to help. But you have to do what's best for your nuclear family.

[lilac05]

My guess is that your SIL was desperately joking. IF obviously hurts more than just the couple directly involved. I've never been in either situation, but I'm not sure if it would hurt any less being the mother of a woman who wants so desperately to be a mother. (Saying that only from the perspective of how I desperately wish I could take my children's place when they are sick or hurting.). It was wildly inappropriate for her to even mention it, but it could be that she's desperate and not thinking rationally right now. Grasping at straws and is either unaware of how it makes others feel, or feels the risk of making someone uncomfortable is worth the .0000001% chance that it might result in healing her daughter's wounds.

I'm really sorry you've been put in this position. Surrogacy is a wonderful gift, but is not a good fit for most people. If you've never had the real urge to do that for someone, it's not right for you. It's not as simple as being pregnant & uncomfortable for 9 months. Many people could probably get through it if that was all it took to give the gift of a child to a loved one. But there are too many emotions and what ifs. Don't let yourself feel guilty for one more minute about not being willing to risk your health and well being at this time.

[dragonfly08]

Don't feel guilty at all. Pregnancy is not an easy thing, on your body or your life. I went through it for my own kids but can think of exactly one person beyond that I'd have gone through it for, my sister. And I say that knowing 1) at my age even that is off the table, and 2) she already has three kids of her own the youngest of whom is 8 and she doesn't want any more, so I've been perfectly safe in my "generosity" for quite some time.

[isabel]

Surrogacy is a viable option and there are women out there who want to do this. Don't go through a pregnancy because you feel badly about their situation.

[qcinoct]

lilac05, I hope that's what it was (SIL grasping at straws). I know she has taken it really hard, and having dealt with a bit of trouble TTC myself, I can only imagine what they're feeling 4+ years in. I'm going to drop it and probably just never ask SIL again how niece is doing with treatments

[teatimefor2]

That is a really hard position. I loved being pregnant and I would really struggle with that. I would do it for my sister and BFF. I think the emotional toil would be harder on me than the physical.