The Onion on The Olympics

[ttt]

www.theonion.com/articles/international-olympians-to-watch-in-2012,28939/

Sir Chris Hoy
Cycling — Great Britain

Number Of Times During A 5-Minute Conversation He Reminds You He Has Been Knighted: 17

Accomplishments: Considered the greatest male cyclist in Olympics history, which is just another way of saying you’ll never hear his name again after you click on the next person

Preferred Wheel Shape: Circle

Legacy: The most successful Olympic male cyclist of all time until next week’s drug test

Background: He is a professional at an activity most children master by age 6


James Magnussen
Swimming — Australia

Weaknesses: Technologically advanced American suits superior to Australian team’s heavy wool; sometimes distracted by coins on the bottom of the pool

Favorite Part Of Swimming: Big fuzzy towels with Olympic logo on them

Number Of Times He’s Said “Congratulations” To Michael Phelps Through Gritted Teeth: 34

Endorsement Deal With Snapple: No, he does not have an endorsement deal with Snapple

Childhood hero: Michael Phelps


Sarah Attar
Track and Field, 800m — Saudi Arabia

Accomplishments: Finding success despite growing up in a community notoriously hostile to talented, ambitious young women in Escondido, CA

Running Style: Must be accompanied in 800-meter by male chaperone, who hopefully can run fast

Outfit: Actually allowed to wear whatever she wants, as long as the entire track is surrounded by a tarp

Reasons For Success: Thanks to dual Saudi and American nationality, has never faced career-threatening disadvantage of actually living or training in Saudi Arabia

Long-Term Goal: Hoping to inspire other Los Angeles–based, Saudi-American girls to one day compete in track and field at the Olympics


Lauren Jackson
Women’s Basketball — Australia

Professional Perks: Still has a ton of free tickets to Seattle Storm games if anyone wants them

Part Of The Body Most Focused On During Workouts: Intangibles

Future Aspirations: To be much shorter

Percentage Increase In Black Friends Since Joining WNBA: 10,000

Looks: Might as well tell you what you came here to find out—not bad

[wrathofkuus]

"Thanks to dual Saudi and American nationality, has never faced career-threatening disadvantage of actually living or training in Saudi Arabia"

This made me snort. It's true of so many countries, for so many sports.

[ttt]

This was my favorite:
"Running Style: Must be accompanied in 800-meter by male chaperone, who hopefully can run fast"

[druidp]

I almost cheered in my car when I saw this one on my mobile:

NBC On Olympics Coverage: 'Sorry We Didn't Alter The Laws Of Space And Time To Accommodate People's Schedules'

www.theonion.com/articles/nbc-sorry-we-didnt-alter-the-laws-of-space-and-tim,29011/