Am I being unreasonable? Family/holidays

[auberge]

My H is mad at me because I don't want to travel to NY for Christmas. His parents came to our house last year. Simply put I just don't want to be away from home on christmas. I want christmas traditions with my kids at home. It's hell going there for Xmas with two kids.

I know he misses his family so I suggested we go thanksgiving (which is also his dad's bday) or early dec. for a big family wedding. He said it's not the same as Christmas and I should just suck it up and go. I think it's about seeing his family and going before isn't a big deal.

WDYT?

[hocus2]

I think there is no "right" to this. There are arguments for both sides.

And seeing family at Christmas and seeing family in general are not the same thing.

Have you considered alternating years at home and with his family?

[auberge]

It's such a ordeal and $$$ to get there I honestly can't imagine alternating years. My parents travel to us. Last year his parents came for the first time.

[simpsongal]

Every family is different.

In our family, my folks are 4 hours away and they understand that our home is the new home base for holidays (unless we say otherwise). It was the same deal when we were kids.

[osulori]

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I don't think your H is either...there's no clear answer IMO.

[dcn]

No I don't think so. Travelling is such a pita especially for holidays.

My family always does a visit before or after. My mom hated having to pack us all up to go to grandmas on Christmas and she has sworn she will never do that to us. She wants us to have our family holiday and they will either join if they can or we will see them in a week.

I get where your husband is coming from, and I used to feel that way too. We traveled every year to be there for a long time and we are just over it. Now with a kid?? Ugh.

I think your offer to go earlier is a good compromise.

[cinco]

We do a family Christmas with DH's family every year, but it never falls on Christmas. It is either a week or two before or after. I like being home on Christmas. So far everyone has been on the same page. It almost helped that DH has to work Christmas b/c no one expects much of us. Good luck working something out.

[Deleted]

My family knew once we had kids we would not be travelling at the holidays. I want traditions with my family in my home on Christmas. The year I was pregnant with J was the last year we traveled to my family at Christmas.

My parents did thr same thing growing up so they were very unserstanding. I don't think it's selfish at all. My family is always welcome to visit us, we just wont be traveling to them.

[starlily]

I don't think either one of you is being unreasonable. Holiday travel sucks, especially with kids, and I get wanting to establish your own traditions. But I can also see wanting to take the kids to the grandparents' and sharing some of my childhood holiday traditions on my old turf, kwim?

Is he proposing this for every Christmas or just this one? I agree that every year and even every other year would be too much given the distance, but maybe once every 3-5 years would be more doable? I'd try to work out something you both could live with.

But I have personal stuff that might be coloring my opinion here.

[dancingirl21]

I see both sides, being the one who is away from family. We are 5 hours from my family (driving) and less than 5 minutes from DH's entire family. Pre-kids, we did every other holiday with each. So if we did Thanksgiving with mine/Christmas with his last year, we would do the opposite this year.

But, since having J, I have decided I want Christmas in our home. Because of that, we will still do every other year for Thanksgiving and Christmas will be where we live, which means we will always be with DH's family on Christmas. I know my family isn't thrilled about it, but they also get that this is where we live and it isn't about being with the IL's, it's about being in our home with our child(ren). We will always travel back to my hometown sometime around Christmas, but not on the holiday.

[drloretta]

I would alternate years

[carolinagirl831]

We always travel around Christmas because DHs family lives 600 miles away. What we have started doing is we always go sometime around Christmas, but not on Christmas. Usually we go for a long weekend right before Christmas, We celebrate with his family then and then we are able to have our own family Christmas at home.

[satsuma]

I hate travelling with DS period, so I get not wanting to travel during the holidays with two young kids. But I do agree that seeing family and seeing family at Christmas are two different things. If you think you can manage, I'd suck it up this year as I think your kids are still young enough that they won't have strong opinions about being in their own house when Santa comes.

[Deleted]

I agree there's no "right" answer to this problem and it sucks. DH and I travel for most holidays or feel guilt about not traveling. We are still trying to figure out how to manage holidays but things like new houses, babies, death, etc. keep happening.

[carolinagirl831]

It's not really an option for his family to come to see us as he has 3 siblings with families that we love to see too. It's not practical for them to all come see us. We have made it a priority to do this as far as travel $$$, if it was my family, I'd want the same.

[Deleted]

Agree that there is no right or wrong. My SIL has hosted Christmas the past few years and she lives <30 minutes from us. Once we had DS, I asked her to swap Thanksgiving with me because I wanted him to have Christmas at home.

Continue to talk with your H on how you can compromise. Maybe alternating years - or like you suggested an earlier weekend when there is less holiday chaos.

[chickens987]

I totally understand this fight. For my H, Christmas was always about his family and his parents' house and their traditions. He hated the years we stayed here. Now we have DD and trips are $$$$$$, he may be coming around to staying here. But the key to that was establishing our own traditions for the holidays that are rooted here - if we didn't do that, I don't think he'd even consider not going "home" for Christmas. Have you guys done that yet?

[Deleted]

There is no right or wrong to this.
Keep talking to your H for a solution (Like can you leave Christmas Day night or the next day...so you still have the holiday at home but still have the holiday spirit with his family?)

If it was me I'd go. Family always wins to me for a lot of reasons and I will always give up a lot to be there as a result. I also don't care about being home on Christmas at all. I can make any other night just as magical with just my immediate little family.

You need to do what you're comfortable with though.

[lurknomore]

We laid down the law when the kids were born that they were going to spend Christmas morning in our home.  That being said, we do go see my family for New Years-ish time.  Sometimes we leave the 26th, sometimes we wait a few days.  They keep the trees up, open most, but not all of their presents on Xmas morning, but generally they wait for us to get there to celebrate.  It has worked out really well (we go to DH's family for Thanksgiving every year).  Yes, it is hard being away from family on Christmas, but you have your own family now and they should have traditions too.  My little half sisters who are 18 and 16, have never spent Christmas at home.  They go to their grandparents out of state.  Huge family gathering there, all their cousins, aunts, uncles.  I have heard them say on more than one occasion they would love to have a family morning at their own house.  There has to be a compromise here for you.  GL!

[barefootcontessa]

I think like you. Having family traditions specific to our family is very important to me and I spent pretty much all of my emotional capital getting my DH to agree to this when my two oldest sons were little. Now that they are older I am especially glad we stay home because now they like to play with their new toys, etc. I think you have proposed two very reasonable alternatives.

[mlt]

We alternate years. We live closer to my in-laws so on the years when we aren't with my parents we do see my in-laws, but later in the day. I would be furious and very, very hurt if MH just refused to travel to see my parents. So in that sense, I think you have to compromise at least a little bit. Every other year or every three years.

[ktw]

I don't think wanting to be home on Christmas is unreasonable, but if your H doesn't share these feelings, then I think you need to work out a compromise. If it was your IL's or your parents fighting you on staying home, I'd say that you get to make the decisions for your family. But since your co-decision maker is the one who isn't happy, I think compromise is necessary. As others have suggested, maybe switch off every other year?

[gibbinator]

Echoing everyone else that neither of you is unreasonable.

Christmas dinner with my extended family is really important to me. Christmas and Thanksgiving are the only time my dad, aunts, uncles and cousins all get together. Thanksgiving is not the same as Christmas to me.

Dh balks at driving down there every year for dinner, even though it's only 45mins away, because he wants to spend Christmas day at home and make our own traditions. Somehow he doesn't equate driving to his parents place 20 mins away for Christmas supper as the same hardship...

[SJ]

I agree with you. It is very important to me that our kids wake up at home on Christmas morning, and I plan to start setting that precedent right away.

All families are different, and it's especially hard when spouses have different visions of the holidays.

In this case, I would propose traveling but not on the exact days. We have had great experiences on both sides of the family celebrating on alternate days- if you do it right, it feels JUST the same.

[Deleted]

I can see both sides.

Can you compromise and do every other year in NY?

[bronxgirl]

 I see where both of you are coming from. Whenever you end up deciding to come to NY, make sure to leave enough time to have a GTG with me. 

[rex]

i won't be diplomatic. i am team you.

he's being picky. there is no way i would travel across the country for christmas any year when i had kids. you guys can focus on making memories for your kids at christmas and go there for thanksgiving instead. it seems more than reasonable to me.

[auberge]

I hate when he is mad at me. I'm on the brink of giving in and then I think hell no!!!! It's not like I'm saying we shouldn't go at all.

I don't want to alternate wah

[kershnic]

I won't go so far as team your H but I AM your H in my own relationship. I want my kids to spend the holidays with their extended family. The idea of not seeing my parents and sister and nephews around Christmas makes me sad. Sometimes they travel and sometimes we travel. I've already accepted that I have to give up some of my family time to spend time with inlaws (and I want my kids to know them too), there's no space in my vision for staying home alone too. We can make special memories the four of us so many other days a year. I will make traditions for my kids in the places we go to visit our families.

[Brie]

Honestly, I kind of think you are being a little unreasonable here.

We alternate years. Flying to see my family is a PITA (1 hour flight, rental car, 3 hour drive after) but it means a lot to me that we go every other year. It's a really special memory from my childhood and I'm glad I get to share it with C now. It's not the same as having my mom come visit us--we have lots of extended family that come. H doesn't love the travel circus and costs but puts up with it for me.

When we do Christmas with H's family, they come to us. It's different and not totally my cup of tea, but H is used to smaller holidays and I don't want to take that from him either.