Detachment?

[geppiegirl]

Hi Ladies,

Wondered if any of you felt the same way?  My IF journey entailed about 4 years of treatment, 4 IUIs, and an IVF with PGD screening.  Out of 40 eggs retrieived, 27 fertilized, 4 made it to day 5, and only 1 was PGD normal.  I feel very fortunate that that one little embie took and am now 13 weeks.  Heard the heartbeat for the first time yesterday which was amazing.  However, I'm struggling with accepting/realizing that this could actually have a "good" outcome.  I still call the baby "it" in conversation (although I know the sex) and have not told anyone (except my husband) about the pregnancy.  It almost feels like IF PTSD/self-protection mechanism or something.  I don't want to remember this experience as being so detached, if that makes sense.  I thought maybe someone on this board could relate or have some advice.

Thanks~

[busterpup]

Yes, absolutely. I still say "if all goes well, the baby will be born in April" and I'm almost 18 weeks. I really haven't let myself get attached at all because I keep waiting for something to go wrong.

Logically, I think we know that if something does go wrong then we won't be any less devastated than if we allowed ourselves to be happy and excited. But I completely get where you're coming from.

[coribelle26]

Absolutely. The IF portion of our issues has been very mild compared to so many others (we started trying in August 2012, it took 12 cycles the first time, and I think 8 including 2 rounds of Clomid the second time) but our loss at 13 weeks broke my brain.

I started sobbing on the phone with my best friend today because I told her that I feel guilty for telling people the date of my anatomy scan (a week from today) because they're excited to find out boy or girl and they are going to be so disappointed when I have to call to tell them it's over. Like in my head it's a given that it's going to be bad news.

No matter what milestone we reach, I just can't shake the feeling that this isn't meant for me and it's only a matter of time before it ends. I am really trying to just forge ahead and fake it because if it turns out everything is okay, I don't want to look back and feel like I shortchanged myself and my family from making the most of this time. But truly I will not believe it's real until I'm holding my baby.

And if I'm still freaking out more than a normal amount then, I will finally suck it up and go to therapy.

[luv2rn4fun]

I can totally relate. I had two losses prior to this pregnancy. The only difference in protocol was taking baby aspirin and doing progesterone shots instead of suppositories. I had doubts that these changes were enough to be the "difference makeer".

I had a really hard time attaching in the beginning and took it one appointment at a time (although I tried my best to just fake it and tell myself that this was our take home baby). I breathed a little easier when I hit our 1st loss milestone at 10 1/2 weeks, even better at 12 1/2 wks, again at 15 1/2 wks but really didn't allow myself to get too excited, buy baby things, etc until after our a/s results at 18 1/2 weeks. Even after that huge milestone, then there was another of getting to viability at 24 weeks and now it's still in the back of my mind that bad things still do happen (although not nearly as bad and definitely not something I focus on). Basically, until he's here there's always some degree of caution but that caution slowly tapers away as you reach all these milestones.

Hang in there- everything you are feeling right now is normal but it does get better and easier with time!

[whiskeyandwine]

I feel very much the same way. We had our NT scan yesterday and I realized I regard all u/s as, "oh cute!" but not so much like "omg my baby!"

People keep asking if I cried at the u/s, and I am like, "uh?"...

I just wish I knew when I would start feeling confident that it was all going to be ok.

I think FastHands posted about feeling this way too, but said it went away eventually. Or maybe when the baby was born...

[FastHands]

Yeeah it was a few days after he was born. Lol. It was part self preservation due to fear of loss (even though my journey was comparatively short and no losses, so not even as "valid" a worry), but I think part of it was just...me? I wasn't at all hormonal/mushy during pg, and I'm not a super emotional person. And the feeling lile crap part probably played a role... But yeah, he was just a weird little parasite. When they told me i was going to be induced at 37wks, part of my freakout was that I wasn't emotionally ready. I thought that atthe very end some switch would flip. It didn't. Even when they put him on my chest i had this feeling of "oj fuck. Do I love you? What if I don't love you?!?"

It seems silly now, because I love the crap out of him, but there was definitely no in utero lovefest happening.

[FastHands]

coribelle26, try to cut yourself some slack to feel whatever you will feel. Pregnancy isn't a magical time for a lot of women, even without IF histories. It seems monumental now, but these months are such a tiny blip on the radar of your kid's life, truly.

[geppiegirl]

Thanks for all your thoughts. It is good to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

[coribelle26]

Oct 29, 2014 9:13:55 GMT -5 FastHands said:

coribelle26, try to cut yourself some slack to feel whatever you will feel. Pregnancy isn't a magical time for a lot of women, even without IF histories. It seems monumental now, but these months are such a tiny blip on the radar of your kid's life, truly.

Thank you for saying that. I think I'm just kind of bitter (? Maybe? I don't know if that's exactly right) that I don't feel like I can do the pregnancy things I'm supposed to do. Like I have a bump, but feel like I'm tempting fate if I take bump pictures so I don't do it. And am I going to look back and wish I'd taken them? I'm worried that we're going to register hastily and throw together a nursery at the last minute because I can't wrap my head around needing space and gear for a baby.

It's just dumb. None of this stuff really matters but I wish I could just be normal.

[bk1]

I completely understand. 

This is my third pregnancy (after two previous m/cs) and it took awhile to get attached. Once I felt her moving it made a huge difference. When the a/s came back good that was even better. 

It wasn't until just last week, at 24 weeks, that for the first time I felt like I could keep my baby safe inside me. I just had this thought of being so happy that she is all mine right now and wanting to keep her there as long as possible. It surprised me. This was the first time I thought my body was the safe place for her.

So many ((hugs)).

[rachelgreen]

I kind of three caution to the wind but yet at the same time was terrified. I'm not sure I will be helpful here but I will still share.

I was excited and attached right away. We told people early, knowing full well if something bad happened we would have to tell them the bad news. However, I was battling extreme anxiety and fears over something going wrong. It took us 6.5 years to get pregnant. I've been around the IF boards (from TB) the whole time so I posted my fears more so over with our private FB groups bc most of my 3tc girls were still in the trenches and I didn't want to be all "I'm so scared but I'm Pg so...hold me". It was a bit lonely. FastHands got a lot of texts from me asking for hand holding. It got a million times better for me once we got our own home doppler so if I was having a high anxiety day I could just turn it on and find bunny's heartbeat.

So my point is, even if you were attached, people go through the same feelings. It''s normal to me seeing as we see both sides of the pregnancy journey that most people aren't exposed to. Give yourself time and slack. (((Hugs)))

[krystee]

I was the same as rachelgreen. I was super attached immediately but had a sense of dread/terror behind it knowing that I'd be devastated if something happened. But the way I see it, I'd be devastated if I lost the baby whether I got super into it or not, so I might as well enjoy every moment and have as much fun with it as I possibly can, especially because we are likely just having one and this is my only opportunity to be pregnant. That said, I know I probably have the luxury of feeling this way only because I have not experienced a previous loss.

[krystee]

Also, I just want to send hugs to everyone who has had losses. My heart goes out to all of you and I am so very sorry you had to experience that pain.

[mae141]

Nov 1, 2014 8:49:32 GMT -5 krystee said:

I was the same as rachelgreen. I was super attached immediately but had a sense of dread/terror behind it knowing that I'd be devastated if something happened. But the way I see it, I'd be devastated if I lost the baby whether I got super into it or not, so I might as well enjoy every moment and have as much fun with it as I possibly can, especially because we are likely just having one and this is my only opportunity to be pregnant. That said, I know I probably have the luxury of feeling this way only because I have not experienced a previous loss.

This is exactly how I was (or at least tried to be). I had one m/c before doing IVF, and the IVF cycle didn't go very well, so when I found out I was pregnant, I told my husband we better enjoy it because each day might be the last day I ever got to be pregnant. I didn't want to feel only dread and worry when I finally had what I wanted. Of course, I did worry the whole time, but I also cherished having a little thing growing in me. I really didn't feel comfortable being outwardly excited until probably 32 weeks, and I didn't believe I would actually be taking a baby home for real until they put her on my chest. 

I had big issues after she was born, though. Looking back I definitely had some PPD going on, combined with trouble breastfeeding and not having help, and I thought we had made a huge mistake. I was such a mess for the first two months or so. I told DH that I was being punished and we weren't supposed to have a baby. IF really does a number on you. It sucks.