I have been sobbing for the last hour. My chest feels tight, my heart is pounding, and I have anxiety like you wouldn't believe right now. The last two weeks have really kicked my ass. Last Thursday I had a really rough counseling session. I cried my way through it, and I thought that I would start feeling better if I could finally open up about things that happened with exH that I have never talked about before. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow morning and right now I feel like I can't. I know that I should, but the thought of it is what is making me anxious.
My head hurts, my heart hurts, my stomach hurts. I am physically ill thinking about these things, and I fear having to say these things out loud or admit that certain things happened. I can't eat and I don't sleep anymore. I am up at all hour of the night, and if I do fall asleep I can't stay asleep. Crappy, mean things that he has done or said replay over and over in my head and it all keeps me awake. I have nightmares of this stuff happening to me again. It's easier to stay awake than to see and remember past events until I eventually fall asleep.
I'm falling apart. It seems so much easier to not actually talk about these things, but I know that it needs to come over one way or another. But trying to talk about it makes me sick.
I am so sorry. I haven't been through nearly all that you have, but I understand that feeling. It will get better. You are strong and you have amazing little girls that will pull you through this.
Unpacking repressed traumas sucks, but it's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. It would probably also help to tell your therapist exactly how anxious this process makes you.
I hope things get better for you soon. Can you plan something fun for tomorrow evening or Wednesday, to reward yourself for the hard but necessary work you'll be doing at your appointment tomorrow?
Sometimes, therapy sucks. That doesn't mean it isn't what a person needs.
Jlm, please be honest with your therapist about how you're feeling, and let him or her decide how to proceed. I know everyone in here has good intentions, but I bristle at the "maybe you shouldn't go" and "get more meds" suggestions. It's easy to hide from stuff, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. If Jlm isn't emotionally equipped for this, that's for her mental health professional to decide.
Let me know if you need ANYTHING. I am up for a late night chat, or I will bring you coffee and pastries, or just drive up there and hug the shit out of you.
You are stronger than you think and you are an amazing woman. You are raising two little girls who are just perfect, sweet little beings, and they owe that to you. Not Ass Face Shit For Brains or his piece of garbage sister or his mother who enables him to be a complete fuckwad. You are their sun and their moon and their mommy. And if you never do anything else in your life, you have accomplished things that many other people haven't. You have gotten out of an absolutely shit relationship and saved your girls the heartache of growing up in a family that is fucked up, which will save them from repeating that. You are a momma warrior with E, and I am so amazed by you and proud of your resilience. You have been knocked down and shit on and kicked around by life, and you keep getting up, brushing yourself off and working to make things better. I just adore you and I know you're going to make it. And in ten years, you can look back at this and smile because you'll know you did it despite all of the bullshit.
Let me know if you need ANYTHING. I am up for a late night chat, or I will bring you coffee and pastries, or just drive up there and hug the shit out of you.
You are stronger than you think and you are an amazing woman. You are raising two little girls who are just perfect, sweet little beings, and they owe that to you. Not Ass Face Shit For Brains or his piece of garbage sister or his mother who enables him to be a complete fuckwad. You are their sun and their moon and their mommy. And if you never do anything else in your life, you have accomplished things that many other people haven't. You have gotten out of an absolutely shit relationship and saved your girls the heartache of growing up in a family that is fucked up, which will save them from repeating that. You are a momma warrior with E, and I am so amazed by you and proud of your resilience. You have been knocked down and shit on and kicked around by life, and you keep getting up, brushing yourself off and working to make things better. I just adore you and I know you're going to make it. And in ten years, you can look back at this and smile because you'll know you did it despite all of the bullshit.
Listen to this, and take her up on her offer! You two aren't terribly far from one another, right? I smell a g2g....
Sometimes, therapy sucks. That doesn't mean it isn't what a person needs.
Jlm, please be honest with your therapist about how you're feeling, and let him or her decide how to proceed. I know everyone in here has good intentions, but I bristle at the "maybe you shouldn't go" and "get more meds" suggestions. It's easy to hide from stuff, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. If Jlm isn't emotionally equipped for this, that's for her mental health professional to decide.
I have only the best of intentions. Therapy never caused me suffering, I don't think it should.
Also, I worry for her, not sleeping. I get from her posts a woman being pushed to her limits. Therapy should be a soft spot to land in the week, not something that causes anxiety.
Maybe you need a break from counseling and some sleep medication.
Sorry you're feeling so crappy.
(Your daughters are beautiful.)
I'm kind of in the school of thought that therapy should make a person feel better and bolstered up.
Therapy shouldn't create anxiety. It should relieve it.
I'm all about sunny therapy that allows you to see a happier, positive, more hopeful life and world, etc.
I hope things start to look up and you feel better.
You are a great person and you truly deserve happiness.
Seriously shut the hell up.
J - Verbalizing everything you went through with that monster is going to suck. It's going to get worse before it gets better. But you can't keep it in. You just can't.
Try to visualize the light at the end of the tunnel and know that it is not always going to be like this. You will get through this. You are working through it with a trained professional who is going to help you every step of the way.
You deserve to be healthy and happy both for you and your girls.
Maybe you need a break from counseling and some sleep medication.
Sorry you're feeling so crappy.
(Your daughters are beautiful.)
I'm kind of in the school of thought that therapy should make a person feel better and bolstered up.
Therapy shouldn't create anxiety. It should relieve it.
I'm all about sunny therapy that allows you to see a happier, positive, more hopeful life and world, etc.
I hope things start to look up and you feel better.
You are a great person and you truly deserve happiness.
Seriously shut the hell up.
J - Verbalizing everything you went through with that monster is going to suck. It's going to get worse before it gets better. But you can't keep it in. You just can't.
Try to visualize the light at the end of the tunnel and know that it is not always going to be like this. You will get through this. You are working through it with a trained professional who is going to help you every step of the way.
You deserve to be healthy and happy both for you and your girls.
I hear all of you and I appreciate the support. I know myself well enough to know that no matter what I need to drag my ass in there tomorrow even if I can't bring myself to actually talk about anything. If I take a break I don't think that I would push myself to go back. The routine helps.
J - Verbalizing everything you went through with that monster is going to suck. It's going to get worse before it gets better. But you can't keep it in. You just can't.
Try to visualize the light at the end of the tunnel and know that it is not always going to be like this. You will get through this. You are working through it with a trained professional who is going to help you every step of the way.
You deserve to be healthy and happy both for you and your girls.
You can do this.
MB is wise. As is Suesue. Lance that boil, J. It'll hurt and stink and ooze, but it'll all come out and you'll be better for it. You will beat this.
Aw honey. I am so sorry this is so painful. Try to think of talking out these things as lancing a huge boil and all that nasty stuff is going to come out. It can't poison you any more once it's out. Keep going till its gone. (((hugs))
This is the most delightfully disgusting and awesome thing ever.
I will tell you this every. single. day if it helps:
You are stronger than you realize, tougher than you could ever imagine, and more capable than you would ever believe.
I know that things seem so damn hard right now, and they are. But look at what you have accomplished! You pulled yourself off of a sinking ship and into a liferaft. You are an AMAZING advocate for your little girl, you have two beautiful babies, you hold down a job and gosh darnit you are beautiful to boot.
This is the hard time, because its the time where you have to process everything that happened in your marriage and as you left it, and I can only imagine how hard that all is. And scary. And unsettling. But I promise you that if you keep doing the hard work now, in the future you will be so glad you did. And not just glad because YOU feel better, but because it means you can be an even more amazing mom to those two little cuties.
I am a whole thirty minutes away. You send out the bat signal, and Jermys and I are out the door to meet you for coffee/babysit the babies faster than sluts take their dress off on prom night. Never be afraid to call.
And don't listen to Applebear. You are so much stronger and tougher and more awesome at life than she is.
I care about you. You know where to find me if you need anything. Hang in there, sweets.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I hear all of you and I appreciate the support. I know myself well enough to know that no matter what I need to drag my ass in there tomorrow even if I can't bring myself to actually talk about anything. If I take a break I don't think that I would push myself to go back. The routine helps.
I am really proud of you for going. I'm sorry that pure having such a hard time, but I'm really glad that you can see that the long term is worth this current and temporary awfulness.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
flex, the talk of PTSD is what caused her to start making me dig a little deeper as to what was really causing the pain. That's when it got hard.
My mom went through the same thing when she started seeing a therapist. My dad was HORRIBLE to her for years, and after they'd been divorced for 20 years that she finally got help for it.
You can do this, J. I'm glad you were honest with us about not wanting to go back to your counselor, but you know in your heart that continuing to talk about this with her will ultimately lead to good things. (((mondo hugs)))
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Whatever he did, he can't hurt you anymore. Ditto what Gracie said, let your therapist know how you are feeling; they will adjust their approach to meet your current needs. Not every session has to be a major one.