This made me laugh and realize in our case, I'm the default parent no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm the one all three end up going to for everything
Are you the default parent? If you have to think about it, you're not. You'd know. Trust me. The default parent is the one responsible for the emotional, physical and logistical needs of the children. Spoiler alert: It's typically the one with the uterus.
The first time I knew I was the default parent was when our first child was napping and Dan and I were painting the guest room. When she cried, he didn't, even for a second, pause what he was doing and consider getting her. At this point, we both worked in the corporate world and we were engaged in the same home project. It was a level playing field, well, if you didn't count the fact I carried and fed her for nine months in my body, which would make me slightly ahead in the not-being-the-one-to-default-to-her arena. I thought, well this is bullshit.
What is the Default Parent? Fourteen years later, I'm still the default parent. Now I work part-time from home with my own consulting business, so it makes a little more sense, but it's still kinda bullshit. Mum, mum, mum, mommy, mom, mom, mama, mommy, mom. All. Day. Long. I handle the needs of all three of our kids: activity sign-ups, transportation logistics, doctor & dentist appointments, friend and boy issues, hurt feelings, school fundraisers, gift buying, haircuts, clothes shopping, and thank you note writing, which, incidentally, is the work of the devil. I also manage the organization of drawers between seasons to see what fits. This is a crap job that only the default parent even knows exists.
Default parents know the names of their kids' teachers, all of them. They fill out endless forms, including the 20-page legal document necessary to play a sport at school, requiring a blood oath not to sue when your kids gets concussions, because they are going to get concussions. They listen to long, boring, intricate stories about gym games that make no sense. They spell words, constantly. They know how much wrapping paper there is in the house. The default parent doesn't have her own calendar, but one with everyone's events on it that makes her head hurt when she looks at it. They know a notary. They buy poster board in 10-packs. They've worked tirelessly to form a bond with the school receptionists. They know their kids' sizes, including shoes, dammit.
2014-10-22-3Meredith.jpg
Shout Out to the Back-Up Parent And by the way, this blog is in no way a competition between husband and wife for who has it worse. My husband is the default earner, the default lawn mower and the default spider killer, which all come with equal stress and dissatisfaction that he is welcome to blog about. He's also incredibly helpful and an awesome husband and parent. But, in my defense, the lawn and spiders don't say "mommy" a hundred times a day, and his boss doesn't come on vacation with him. Just sayin'. And he'd be the first to admit that I got the short end of the stick. His face hurts when I rattle off only the few things I manage. So, he helps a lot. But, in terms of logistics and administrative duties, he's the back-up parent.
Happenstance There is a bit of difference between the default parent and the back-up parent. Lily has jazz on Monday nights. I know she will get there and get home, despite Gracie having tennis at the exact same time. The logistics are on me. No problem. I got this. Sometimes, I get a call from Dan eager to help. These calls typically start out with, "What time does Lily get out of jazz?" I already want to punch him in the face. It's the same time EVERY week! And while he's chatting with me lackadaisically about how he can "help," I'm simultaneously showing a crying George how to borrow in math, a concept a second grader can't understand at all, making dinner (OK, fine, boiling pasta), and trying to return one last work email. So, yes, on occasion, it works out that Dan's work schedule, and running schedule, make it so he is literally driving right past Lily's dance studio at the exact moment in time she needs to be picked up. Helpful? Yes. Default parent? No. Default parents don't operate on happenstance.
2014-10-22-2Meredith.jpg
Showering Being the default parent, at least in my case, is not about the husband being an asshole -- it's that kids don't contemplate proximity or sensibility in looking for help. They look for the default parent. Me. I've been in the shower and put my daughter's necklace on. She walked right through my room, past her dad and went to me. True story. Even my husband was like, "Hello. I'm right here." I've taken exactly five showers in my house without being bothered by a child and his or her immediate need. I've blown up balloons in the shower, unknotted shoes, put on band-aids, signed report cards, and braided hair. I know... lock the door. I'm a dumbass. But they'd tunnel in. I'm sure of it.
Information Overload Forget the information superhighway, default parents are the real deal in data storage and retrieval. Unknowingly, we walk around our houses taking mental pictures of where everything is. We see a headband on the bathroom floor and our subconscious knows that information will come in handy to avoid a complete tweenage meltdown. I was once in California for work and got a call asking me where George's sneakers were. And here's the worst part... I knew. The stuff that the default parent is storing in their brain is in direct correlation to the amount of wine they are drinking. Too much.
Quarantine Tent What's troubling is there seems to be no meaningful escape for the default parent. They don't get a break unless they physically remove themselves completely from their families... and throw their phones in a lake. Even when they do get a weekend away, they leave a detailed spreadsheet of daily activities organized by event time with notes. They arrange carpools and playdates, and leave a wrapped present for the birthday party. The non-default parent? They just leave. Incredibly, they just kiss us goodbye, and leave. Motherf***er. OK, deep breath. Serenity now. The only dream left for the default parent is to contract a highly contagious, non-life threatening virus. But even then, we know the children will find us in our quarantine tent to ask us to open a jar.
Survival of the Species Look, parenting is tough all around, and both parents are contributing in meaningful ways. I get it. Good to keep in mind that I'm not an expert on parenting. I'm sitting in my kitchen, wearing fuzzy socks, writing about the mythical idea in my head called "the default parent," because it took me a long time to figure out why I was so damned worn out. I honestly think the default parent is a good idea and probably necessary for the survival of the species. Otherwise, kids would be left places, doing blow, and the whole operation would fall apart. But it doesn't change the fact that the scope and volume of managing this many lives and details comes with a surprisingly huge emotional and mental exhaustion that is unique to the default parent. It deserves to be understood... and named! Otherwise, we are going to be the ones who start doing blow.
Notes: Yes, defaulters can be men! No, it's not an attempt to reignite the battle of the sexes... it's satire.
yep, I'm the default parent but I am also a SAHM so it's partly due to that dynamic. it's really obvious anytime I need DH to get DD ready for something, I get lots of 'where are her shoes' (in the shoe basket where they always are), What should I pack in her bag? (the same things we've packed for the past 2 yrs a water sippy and a change of bottoms just in case) etc I could have strangled him last summer when I asked him to get her ready to go to the in laws while I dried my hair and he so,ehow completely forgot to put shoes on her.
I am the default parent. DH would do it but I wouldn't like his approach and so I do it.
E.. It is time to buy clothing for a season.
DH would take my children a store ask them to pick out enough clothing for a week and call it a day. If my daughter only liked 1 pair of pants in said store he would buy her 7 of those pants.
I consider my daughter's preferences (soft, characters, color etc), my own personal prefernces (e.g. no short shorts) and prevailing styles. I also consider her body (round tummy, short legs which means drop waist doesn't work for her) and her activities (need pink or white underwear for dance days, she wears a dress every Tues because she has dance after school and this makes it easier for her to change on her own) I buy from several stores and occasionally from places like ebay. I occasionally misfire (get something she doesn't like or isn't flattering) and we usually have more than enough clothing because the stuff that doesn't work gets stored under the bed. We do sometimes add stuff back in from the under-the-bed reserves and sometimes that stuff gets given away/sold.
I'm the default parent, but not in a martyr way (and definitely not in an interrupted in the shower way). I'm just about 1,000x more type-A than DH (or anyone?) so I naturally take control of things.
DH does at least half of the daily parenting, but it's jobs that we've (read: I've) divided/assigned.
Yup, default parent here.
DS would still have clothes, but they wouldn't match or fit the way I'd like. He'd still have diapers/wipes, but DH wouldn't remember to use Cartwheel/coupons/buy on sale, so we'd likely pay more for them. He'd still have a Halloween costume, but it would have been purchased at Target the night before if I left DH to do it, instead of ordered 6 weeks ago on Etsy.
I like my way better usually, so I do it.
Also, DH's job keeps him away days/nights at a time, so I'm default parent because... I'm the only parent at the moment.
I am interested to see how this works with DH and I.
I am the default person for a lot of general stuff now--cleaning out fridge and cabinets, buying gifts, etc.
But I work and DH will provide care for our son. He does currently manage calling repairmen ans his own doctor's appointments, so I'm sure he'll do that for the baby too. I'm sure I'll buy most of the clothes, get rid of old toys, etc. Hopefully it will be somewhat balanced.
Yeah, I'm the default parent and default partner as well. H is home with DS most days, and he's a fantastic parent, but juggling multiple schedules is smack dab in the middle of my talent wheelhouse, whereas H gets overwhelmed quickly with it. DS also tends to seek me out when I'm home for mundane things H could easily do, but its really NBD. Mostly because H pulls his weight in other aspects of life.
Also, H is more than willing to keep DS away from me while I take an hour long bath, and occasionally refills my wine glass while I'm in the tub. He recognizes that I need a break sometimes, which makes the default parent thing much more manageable.
Actually, DH is our default parent although I'm trying hard to make it even. DS is 2.5 and just prefers him for everything (probably because I was MIA a lot of days between the ages of 1-3 as I was getting my masters.) When DS gets hurt, needs help in the potty, or whatever---he always wants DH. So it's evolved into DH just tackling it and me picking up slack elsewhere.
I wonder how it will be with #2. Will we each have our own default child, lol? Time will tell
Yes, I'm technically the default parent. But I do make an effort to push the kids to MH. Martyrdom is not for me. So if DS1 needs help I send him to find his father about 50% of the time, if I'm busy. I would have told the kid with the necklace that I am enjoying my privacy in the shower and she can get help from her dad. I do take the lead in scheduling activities but I consult with MH and keep the schedule where he can see it (online). If I got hit by a bus today he would be able to manage just fine.
I'm the default parent, but not in a martyr way (and definitely not in an interrupted in the shower way). I'm just about 1,000x more type-A than DH (or anyone?) so I naturally take control of things.
DH does at least half of the daily parenting, but it's jobs that we've (read: I've) divided/assigned.
This is very much us. I'm also the default manager (DH might suggest micro-manager) of most of the household planning stuff and vacation planning stuff. He's much more willing to make decisions on the fly and go with the flow when something doesn't work, whereas that stresses me out. DH does at least half of the active parenting and way more of the actual chores than I do, though, so this arrangement works well for us.
yep, I'm the default parent but I am also a SAHM so it's partly due to that dynamic. it's really obvious anytime I need DH to get DD ready for something, I get lots of 'where are her shoes' (in the shoe basket where they always are), What should I pack in her bag? (the same things we've packed for the past 2 yrs a water sippy and a change of bottoms just in case) etc I could have strangled him last summer when I asked him to get her ready to go to the in laws while I dried my hair and he so,ehow completely forgot to put shoes on her.
Yup, this is me too. I'm a SAHM so I knew going into this that I'm the default parent. But I if I need DH to do something with DS, I have to explain EVERYTHING. I've tried *not* doing that, and it just blows back on me. Like one day DH wanted to take DS to Home Depot. I just let them go, I didn't say anything about what DS would need (diaper, water, snacks) b/c I hoped DH would, you know, FIGURE IT OUT. (He had a diaper bag in his truck). He brought home a SCREAMING inconsolable DS, saying "I don't know what's wrong with him." He had a dirty diaper, now a diaper rash, and DH hadn't fed him anything in 4 hours :-| It took me forever to get DS fixed up, AND he refused to nap he was so upset. So yeah, now I leave DH detailed instructions like the blog author does.
I'd say we parent pretty equally hands on wise, but he relies on me to make decisions for the boys. The other night H called me on the way home and says "DS1 had such an awesome report from daycare today, I really want to stop and get him a chocolate milk as a treat if that's okay?" You're his Dad. If you wan't to get the kid a chocolate milk, for the love of God get the kid a chocolate milk. lol.
I think this article is funny because it describes our life so well. I need to send it to DH. I SAH 90% of the time, so it makes sense, especially as DH has gotten more promotions and works longer hours. He tries very hard to stay engaged, but yesterday he was looking for a washcloth for DS but I moved where I keep them, so when he asks where they are, I can't get mad.
He has never bought DS any clothes but if he were in charge of clothes, DS would have enough for one week and dh would do laundry every week and he would spend more than I do for half as many clothes.
I'm fine with this setup because I enjoy organization and scheduling. I have him pick out food for DS for dinner so if I'm not home, DS will eat a variety of food instead of yogurt and Cheerios.
I think moms are generally always the default parent unless, like @starry, they actively avoid that role. DH is pretty type A and I'm the opposite, except for DS where our roles are switched. I hope that as DS gets older he'll bond more with DH but I always expect to be the primary parent.
I could leave a lot more of the responsibility to DH but it wouldn't be the way I think things should be handled. Exhibit A- This is DH's idea of getting DS dressed. *headdesk*
This made me laugh, especially the part about the shower. I get interrupted in the shower so often. I don't think she's being a martyr, she's being funny. It IS annoying to have to remember every damn thing because DH can't. It sounds like she has a good sense of humor about it and there's nothing wrong with a little exaggeration for the sake of being funny. Thanks for sharing.
I'm laughing at some of the clothing stories in here. Bas has just over 1 week's worth of clothes at a time, and we paid full price for most of it. He is rarely coordinated and has multiple pairs of the same boring sweatpants.
And we went together to buy new shoes, and ended up getting the same shoes in a bigger size.
Some of this is just laziness, people.
I wasn't trying to insult anyone, clothes are just my thing! And bargain hunting is a thrill for me.DH also buys exactly what is on the grocery list and nothing else, so we wouldn't have bananas if he went shopping, because it has to be on the list. It's always on the list in my head because it's something we always need.
She lost me at her first anecdote. Both of the parents painting and he doesn't even pause or think about getting the kid when she starts to cry? Eff that.
I'm reading through her list and thinking about the NYT article from last night and I'm thinking: is it weird that I don't think it's hard to manage this stuff? I have never wanted to punch DH in the face for forgetting what time Little Gym gets out or when the kids have their dentist appointments. I remind him. No big deal. I remember when to buy bday gifts, I text him the reminder, and he goes to pick them up on his lunch break. She makes it sound like having to rember all this stuff and remind her H is this huge burden. I think it's called being partners? Someone has to manage this stuff but it's not like it's that hard to do, especially if you only work part time.
I agree with this. H said he'd pick up dish soap on Monday night and he forgot (the only places near my office that sell dish soap are Whole Foods and the 7-11, whereas he drives home so he has the ability to stop at the grocery store or Target). So, I reminded him yesterday afternoon to get it. No big deal.
Post by bunnymendelbaum on Oct 29, 2014 8:28:49 GMT -5
I don't get the mommy martyr vibe from this lady so much. I think she's being mostly funny.
There has been a lot of splitting duties talk this week on this board, which I like because it is something DH and I are figuring out. I'm the default parent, but am learning to be ok with it because honestly, I like organizing and being in charge. It is a work in progress though. DH still challenges me on things clearly written in DD1s's preschool newsletter because he just skims it. That's annoying as hell. But last night, he did get up and rock DD2. Even kicked me out of the room while she was screaming for me because sometimes he wants to be the one to comfort her.
I wasn't trying to insult anyone, clothes are just my thing! And bargain hunting is a thrill for me.DH also buys exactly what is on the grocery list and nothing else, so we wouldn't have bananas if he went shopping, because it has to be on the list. It's always on the list in my head.
I'm not insulted, it just makes me laugh when it's shown as evidence that the mom HAS to take over because UGH, husbands can't even dress the kid properly! I figure if the kid is in clothing that more or less fits and is more or less seasonally appropriate, you're fine.
H will actively put A in mismatching clothes for DC (floral purple onesie and striped pants that have no purple in them, with green socks, for example) just because he knows it makes me roll my eyes, but so long as he's not putting her in something she's going to be uncomfortable in, I just let him go. I'm sure our DCP knows when H dresses her versus when I dress her.
She lost me at her first anecdote. Both of the parents painting and he doesn't even pause or think about getting the kid when she starts to cry? Eff that.
Exactly. This is when you say, "Hey, do you hear that? Go get the baby." Lol. Sometimes you have to train them into being the partner you want. It's like the posters who complain about having to do all of the grocery shopping because their H's will get the wrong things. If that happens, you (politely) point it out and send them back. DH and I have been together for 15 years so sometimes I forget that I had to basically push him into being the husband/father he is today. It worked though
I get what you're saying about pushing him into it, but doesn't the fact that you have to be the one pushing him, make you the default parent? My H is a great Dad, he's very involved, and will do anything I ask of him. But, I often have to ask. As an example, I put G to bed every night, but he does baths if she's having one, and gets her in her PJs. About two weeks ago, it was time for bed, so I asked him to take her up and put her pajamas on. He gets halfway up the stairs with her and says, "Should I change her diaper, too?" WTMF? Your daughter is 14 months old. You get her ready for bed EVERY night. You ALWAYS change her diaper. Why would you ask me that? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, mayyyybe he thought I had changed her recently and she might not need a new diaper. But, I'm not an f-ing psychic. Is her diaper wet or dirty? If so, change it. If not, don't. That's what makes me the default parent.
I am definitely the default parent in that I'm the keeper of all of our schedules, the one who knows where everything is, the one who handles most of the organizing and "detail" jobs in our lives. It was like this before DD, it'll be like this forever, probably. DD isn't old enough to really ask me for things yet, but I'm sure that will come. However, that doesn't mean my H does nothing. If we were painting, and she started crying, he definitely wouldn't assume I was going to get her. It just means that he basically leaves all of the details up to me. Part of me likes this because I'm Type A and like things done a certain way. Part of me hates it, because it doesn't seem fair that my head is always crammed with details, and he can just up and leave anytime he wants without any concern for how we're going to get somewhere, what to bring, etc...
She lost me at her first anecdote. Both of the parents painting and he doesn't even pause or think about getting the kid when she starts to cry? Eff that.
Exactly. This is when you say, "Hey, do you hear that? Go get the baby." Lol. Sometimes you have to train them into being the partner you want. It's like the posters who complain about having to do all of the grocery shopping because their H's will get the wrong things. If that happens, you (politely) point it out and send them back. DH and I have been together for 15 years so sometimes I forget that I had to basically push him into being the husband/father he is today. It worked though
I think this is true and interesting. In our case, my DH had never changed a diaper before DD1, and he'd only rarely held a baby. I'd babysat a bunch and been involved with my nieces and nephews. Add to that sole parenting during maternity leave and EBF, and you have a big setup for me being the default parent. Things are really starting to even out now, mostly because DH wants to be more involved and loves parenting, but I can understand why this is an uphill battle for many couples.
I'm the default parent and was even when I was working. He will help with things but sends DD1 to ask my permission on everything from what to wear to what to eat.