I was just thinking the other day that I don't think dh has ever completely packed a diaper bag for an outing. So when he took both boys to his parents place on Sunday I decided to bestow the task on him. He was at their house before he realized he hadn't brought milk for the baby :/
I find it annoying when I'm the one getting up from the dinner table remembering to put a cup of milk on the table for ds1, remembering a face cloth for him, washing his fork when he drops it... And dh just eats on.
Or the fact that dh changes a maximum of one diaper a day, between both boys, even on weekends.
As an example, I put G to bed every night, but he does baths if she's having one, and gets her in her PJs. About two weeks ago, it was time for bed, so I asked him to take her up and put her pajamas on. He gets halfway up the stairs with her and says, "Should I change her diaper, too?" WTMF? Your daughter is 14 months old. You get her ready for bed EVERY night. You ALWAYS change her diaper. Why would you ask me that? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, mayyyybe he thought I had changed her recently and she might not need a new diaper. But, I'm not an f-ing psychic. Is her diaper wet or dirty? If so, change it. If not, don't. That's what makes me the default parent.
This is when I reply "figure it out!" or give him the are-you-kidding-me eyebrow raise.
Oh, believe me, I did. I think I said, "I know you didn't just ask me that," and sat down on the couch to watch TV. My mom was staying with us, and she just laughed and laughed. I really don't let him "get away" with that kind of stuff, and yet, he still does it. Apparently ridicule and shame are not effective with him . I also try really hard to let him do things his way, even if it drives me crazy and it isn't "my way" because I know it's good for him and G, alike. But do you think he sits around thinking, "Even though it's annoying me, I'm going to let ktw do things her way, because she'll never learn otherwise"? NOPE! That's what makes me the default parent.
I get what you're saying about pushing him into it, but doesn't the fact that you have to be the one pushing him, make you the default parent? My H is a great Dad, he's very involved, and will do anything I ask of him. But, I often have to ask. As an example, I put G to bed every night, but he does baths if she's having one, and gets her in her PJs. About two weeks ago, it was time for bed, so I asked him to take her up and put her pajamas on. He gets halfway up the stairs with her and says, "Should I change her diaper, too?" WTMF? Your daughter is 14 months old. You get her ready for bed EVERY night. You ALWAYS change her diaper. Why would you ask me that? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, mayyyybe he thought I had changed her recently and she might not need a new diaper. But, I'm not an f-ing psychic. Is her diaper wet or dirty? If so, change it. If not, don't. That's what makes me the default parent.
I am definitely the default parent in that I'm the keeper of all of our schedules, the one who knows where everything is, the one who handles most of the organizing and "detail" jobs in our lives. It was like this before DD, it'll be like this forever, probably. DD isn't old enough to really ask me for things yet, but I'm sure that will come. However, that doesn't mean my H does nothing. If we were painting, and she started crying, he definitely wouldn't assume I was going to get her. It just means that he basically leaves all of the details up to me. Part of me likes this because I'm Type A and like things done a certain way. Part of me hates it, because it doesn't seem fair that my head is always crammed with details, and he can just up and leave anytime he wants without any concern for how we're going to get somewhere, what to bring, etc...
Maybe in the very beginning but the more ask him to do and put him in charge of doing, the more likely you won't have to do it in the future. Like you said, your DH is now in charge of her baths and getting her into her pjs. If you don't want to be the one responsible for filling out all the forms, remembering all the doctor appointments, etc. share some of that stuff with him. Make up a master list and divide it in half. If you do that at 14 months, you're not going to have to worry about as much when your kid is 6, kwim? There's no reason why you should have to be responsible for doing it all. Put him in charge of half and, more importantly, let him do it. If he fails, he fails and then he learns not to do that again.
I totally agree, and I really try hard to do that. We used to do her baths together, and one day I just handed it over to him and told him that he could do it alone now. I didn't tell him how to do it (even though previously I was the baby-washer, the one who dried her off and got her dressed, etc...), I just left and assumed they would figure it out, and they did. I guess I don't look at being the default parent as meaning you do it all, but that if you're the one who makes the list and divides it, and instructs the other parent on his duties, you're still the default parent. Probably just splitting hairs, though. I may be the detail person who makes sure everything gets done, but I try REALLY hard not to be a mommy martyr who enables her husband to sit back while she does all of the work.
What's wrong with 1 week's worth of clothes? Is that too much or too little?
I don't think there is anything wrong with it, it would however, cause me to do a lot of laundry as there are many a day when DS goes through more than one outfit
I'm the default parent because of personality styles. I'm also the default earner. Things "work themselves out" with my husband, they are planned by me. He always asks why I'm worried about things, "It'll work out!" No DH, logistics isn't magic. I work things out.
He also can't remember anything ever, ever . So I can't rely on him. So it's on me. If I give him precise instructions and ten reminders it will get done. In his mind the contribution he does make probably equals 50% in his mind because logistics/planning has a value of .00005% to him.
I don't want to be the default parent, but it's sort of unavoidable right now because she's EBF and hates bottles. Poor H wants to be more involved, but his idea of "helping" last night was reaching over my sleeping body to grab the monitor to make sure it was on, and then woke me up to say "the baby is moving, I think she's waking up." Uh, NO. LET ME SLEEP.
I am without a doubt the default parent. I am scared that if I die that DS1 will never go to any of his activities, playdates or parties because DH won't know when or where. He will never have clothes that fit, and worst of all, the kids will never be heard. I feel like I could have written that article, except instead of tweenage girls, I have a 6 year old boy and an infant. I do get phoned to ask where stuff is, and I usually know the answer too.
But to be fair, I work part time... And I work from home so I am always around. DH goes to work, has classes (he is studying) and has cycle club at least once a week.
I am without a doubt the default parent. I am scared that if I die that DS1 will never go to any of his activities, playdates or parties because DH won't know when or where. He will never have clothes that fit, and worst of all, the kids will never be heard. I feel like I could have written that article, except instead of tweenage girls, I have a 6 year old boy and an infant. I do get phoned to ask where stuff is, and I usually know the answer too.
But to be fair, I work part time... And I work from home so I am always around. DH goes to work, has classes (he is studying) and has cycle club at least once a week.
the only reason I don't worry about this is because when I go on my annual girls weekend with friends DH manages just fine which is also why I get annoyed that if I am here he defaults to me because I know he can do it and is just choosing not to.
This used to be me. I said to DH months ago that when we are sitting around and B needs something I was ALWAYS the one to get up. He countered that I got up too quickly. But we had a good talk and now we share things much more equally on the weekends. Weekday mornings could use some improvement but I give him a slight pass since I haven't cooked dinner in weeks.
I think it's also good to give men jobs. Not to be sexist and YMMV but my H was a great formula mixer, bottle organizer, swaddler etc. He needs a specific thing to be able to do to help us. Now he is the diaper/wipe buyer, the maker of breakfast and purchaser of fruits and vegetables suitable for toddler consumption.
Neither of us are the default parent. We each do our own things, like I do the research and shopping and he is more hands-on with diaper changes, rocking her to sleep, etc. He is also the default diaper bag packer. He takes her to story time every week because his schedule is more flexible.
I have a lot to say on this, but I am having trouble articulating it.
I have tried very consciously not to parent DH's parenting. Yes, due to our personalities, I "keep track" of more things, and will often answer questions about routine or location of items. I am the scheduler and the one who handles a lot of aspects of running the household.
But I almost never correct him and I truly believe that although his methods may be different they are still totally valid as he is an equal parent. One time I said "Don't talk to her like that" when I thought he was being harsh, and it really hurt his feelings.
We split wake-ups and feedings (not on a strict schedule, but tag in as needed) and he does 100% of the morning & drop-off routine. He picked her up when she was sick last week and we went to the pediatrician together. I do 100% of the dishes/bottle prep and all of her laundry, but he does his own laundry, splits cooking/hosting duties, takes care of car, and many other things.
I do think it is in my nature to take over and be the "default parent" but I am actively working against that tendency. So far, so good, but she is only 4 months LOL.
I've had lots of thoughts about this. It's definitely me...it ebbs & flows but always way way more toward me. Lately my H is fucking pissing me off because he does nothing except pack a lunch for the kids & put cereal in a bowl M-F. He used to be more helpful... Now it's back on me to make a big stink just to get the help I used to get again. I am a SAHM but I don't care, pre-kids we didn't come home & sit on our asses every night...dishes, laundry, house chores, renovations still happened even after work. And factor in that my kids drive me nuts because they have to be told everything...like I'm still telling my 8 & 10yr old to flush the toilet. Of course I have all girls & that adds to my work (hair, etc). I need back up & I'm not getting it & it's annoying. But Im doing the best I can. But I'm seriously not working again until my H steps up. Ok, vent over.
i am 100% the default parent but i like it! but for other stuff, like things my h should remember, nope. you're on your own buddy.
this also does not mean i don't make my h do stuff, because i do. i say "you're her parent too" or "i am not a single mother" a million times a week. and then i disappear so he has to figure it out
Yes, I am the default parent...I SAH currently so it just comes with the territory. Although, it is just my personality and was take charge before my SAH career.
I think that with two working parents, it can suck if the mom HAS to be that person by virtue of her being the mom. Like she has an innate talent for that crap. Maybe it's just that she cares more, or that she takes over, but I personally feel very strongly that H and I should share the responsibility for those types of things. I mean, the responsibility for REMEMBERING, too. Like I take zero responsibility in getting gifts for H's family. If I think of it, I might ask him, but if I didn't think of it and he blamed me? Nope.
True but if it really bothered her as much as she makes out, couldn't she just just share the burden? Give him the school forms to fill out. Tell him he's in charge of remembering doctor and dentist appts from now on. If you don't want to be a mommy martyr, don't be one, lol.
it's not as easy as asking him to fill out forms or ask him to be responsible for remembering appointments, etc. if I had asked stbxh to do ANY of that stuff, he'd be asking me a million questions about how its done instead of figuring it out himself just bc he didn't want to do it and make it be such a miserable experience that I would just 'take over' so it'd be DONE !
yes I am the default parent and its been that way since dd was about 6 months old.
As an example, I put G to bed every night, but he does baths if she's having one, and gets her in her PJs. About two weeks ago, it was time for bed, so I asked him to take her up and put her pajamas on. He gets halfway up the stairs with her and says, "Should I change her diaper, too?" WTMF? Your daughter is 14 months old. You get her ready for bed EVERY night. You ALWAYS change her diaper. Why would you ask me that? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, mayyyybe he thought I had changed her recently and she might not need a new diaper. But, I'm not an f-ing psychic. Is her diaper wet or dirty? If so, change it. If not, don't. That's what makes me the default parent.
This is when I reply "figure it out!" or give him the are-you-kidding-me eyebrow raise.
I had to reply to this, because I do this all the time to H. He'll ask where something is. Usually I know, but in an effort not to baby him, I tell him to look first. His response is ALWAYS "if you know, why shouldn't I just ask so you can tell me instead of spending more time looking". That drives me crazy. Just because you want to save time doesn't mean I should have to use mine. Ugh.
I am largely the default parent. I think this is swinging ever so slightly in the opposite direction now that I'm working out of the home two days/week. I try to push more decisions on H and let go and unclench a little.
If left to his own devices, my H would be giving B 500 oz of (non-organic! Gasp!) milk a day and balancing that with 6 bananas and Cheerios. He would be in pajamas most of the time. He would spend a lot more time playing independently while H watched movies and played on his phone. He would probably get a lot more screen time. He wouldn't be involved in any outside activities, and would get a bath once/week (if that).
I'm pretty anal about doing things "right" with B. I'm not breezy. I acknowledge that he would be just fine if I eased up a bit on the organic produce and the nap/sleep schedule and the music classes and the educational toys, but it makes me feel better, dammit.
I was just thinking the other day that I don't think dh has ever completely packed a diaper bag for an outing. So when he took both boys to his parents place on Sunday I decided to bestow the task on him. He was at their house before he realized he hadn't brought milk for the baby :/
This reminds me of something that happened with us when DS was just a few months old. We had to go to a funeral a couple hours away and I had packed the diaper bag (because, default parent, lol). DS ended up having a pretty spitty day and I had only packed 2 burp clothes. I made the comment at one point, "Man, I should have grabbed more burp clothes." And DH was all, "You only packed 2 burp clothes??!!" And just his tone of voice when he said it pissed me off so much. I am now no longer the default diaper bag packer, lol. Every single time he asks if the diaper bag is stocked, I make him do it now. All because of that comment.
I have had the exact same argument with DH. Exact same!
So, yeah. I am totally the default parent. I try and "groomed" H to be the husband and father I'd like him to be, but sometimes it's more work than just doing it myself. Type A, right here.
The whole "what time does X end"... X being something that is ongoing, would and does piss me off so much. She is your daughter, too. Just because I SAH and do most of the droops and pickups doesn't mean you'll NEVER have to. So get it straight.
Something else he did the other day: someone texted him a google map image of their location. They were at DD's preschool for a baseball game. H was like "why does this place sound familiar". OMG?! Really?!
Now don't get me wrong. He was my ROCK during the first few months, got up every night with DD to change her diapers (even though I EBF) and is an amazing father and husband. But he is not the default parent.