Behavior stuff at school

[ilovebed]

When I dropped off Blb this morning her teachers told me she has been having a hard time at school. Disruptive at nap time, not listening, having tantrums, and being defiant. She is not a good listener but I haven't noticed any particularly bad behavior. It's always tough with her and H and I really try to focus on disciplining her when she is a bad listener. we don't let it slide. Well today when I picked her up one of the assistant teachers told me she had a bad day and during nap the main teacher got so frustrated with Blb that she wanted to call me a work.

I'm really upset. I feel like I'm failing at everything in my life right now. At least I always thought Blb was great at daycare so I thought I was doing something with there. I didn't know her defiance was any worse than a typical two year old. Her teacher wants to schedule a meeting with me and H about it. It's not like she hits or bites. She's kind and plays well with other kids. She just doesn't follow directions. she won't go sit down at circle time like the other kids and listen to the teacher. The other kids who are younger than her listen better than she does. I guess I'm looking forward to getting some advice from her teacher but I'm already feeling really defensive.

Just venting I guess. Any advice?

[ilovebed]

I feel like I already all of this. My h definitely fails to do the empathy piece which I think is important. He just kilos right into the consequence.



Responding to Defiance and Oppositional Behavior: What You Can Do

Step 1: Think Prevention

Anticipate the kinds of situations that lead to defiance from your child and help him problem solve and cope in advance. This might mean letting your toddler know that you understand leaving the house to go to child care is difficult for him, and then offering him the choice of a book or toy to bring in the car to help him make the transition.

It can also be helpful to give children a warning before a transition needs to be made. You can use a kitchen timer so they can actually see and track the time. Making a poster of pictures that show the steps in your daily routines can be very useful as well. For example, pictures of tooth brushing, face washing, reading, and then bed show children what they can expect to happen next. For older toddlers, give some concrete cues about transitions, such as, “Three more times down the slide before it’s time to go.” It’s very important to then follow through on your limit. Step 2: Respond with Empathy and Set Clear Limits

Validate your child’s feelings. As parents, we often skip this step and go right to setting the limit. But acknowledging a child’s feelings first is very important as it lets her know you understand where she’s coming from, and that her feelings matter. (Keep in mind that it’s not the child’s feelings that are the problem, it’s what the child does with her feelings that is often the challenge.) For many children, it's this first step—empathy and validation—that helps them start to calm down. Labeling your toddler’s feelings also helps her learn to be aware of her emotions and, eventually, to manage them. Keep language simple and direct: “I know you don’t want to put your pajamas on. It’s difficult to go from playtime to bedtime.” When you skip this step, children often “pump up the volume” to show you—louder, harder, and stronger—just how upset they are. This is often when tantrums start.

After validating your child's feelings:

Set the limit. “It is time for bed now. You need to sleep so your body can get some rest and grow big and strong.” Use language your child understands. Keep it short and clear, but not threatening.

Offer a few choices (which are acceptable to you). “Do you want to put your PJs on before or after we read books?” Or, “Do you want to put your PJs on or should daddy put them on for you?” You might also give a choice between two pairs of pajamas that he might want to wear. Giving choices offers children a chance to feel in control in positive ways. Giving choices can actually reduce defiance.

Use humor. This is a great way to take some of the intensity out of the situation and throw a monkey wrench into a power struggle. You might try to pull your child’s PJ bottoms over your head, or see if they fit onto her favorite stuffed animal.

Engage your child’s imagination. For a child refusing to go to bed: “Elmo is soooo tired. He wants to go to sleep and wants you to cuddle with him.” Or, a child refusing to clean up: “Our favorite books want to go back on the shelf with their friends. Let's a have a race to see how fast we can get them back up there.”

Enforce the limit: If none of the strategies above work, and your child is still digging in his heels, calmly and firmly set the limit. “You can get into the car seat or I can put you in. You decide.” If your child resists, then (without anger) pick him up and strap him in. In a soothing tone of voice, you might say something like: “I know, you hate getting in the car seat. I understand.” Or, just start talking about something totally unrelated to the tantrum. “Wow, look at that big doggie coming down the street.” Or, "I wonder what you'll have for snack today at school."

The key is to pay as little attention as possible to your toddler's protests. Ignoring the behaviors you want to eliminate is the fastest way to be rid of them. (The only exception to this rule is if your child is being physically hurtful—hitting, slapping, punching, and so on—in which case you calmly but firmly stop the behavior and explain that he can feel mad but he cannot hit.)

Avoid giving in. If you give in to tantrums, your child learns that if he pushes hard enough, he’ll get what he wants. This will also make it more difficult for you the next time you try to enforce a limit.

[jamer]

My oldest sounds exactly like blb. When I've done organized activities in the past like gymnastics with her she is typically the worst listener of the group. It's often embarrassing. I, like you, do react and give time outs and take things away, ignore and do everything I'm "supposed" to do so it feels really frustrating. For one I think a lot of it is just a personality thing. She is stubborn in general and very persistent. Second I think it's because she is very smart. She isn't like a sheep that blindly follows along (this may be me just trying to make myself feel better).

From what you've said it sounds normal. That being said I know kids need to learn to just do what they are told and be good listeners in general. I'd love to hear others responses bc I need help in this area too. I'm trying to get mine in preschool so she gets used to others telling her what to do (and other reasons but that's a big one). Since I SAH I really feel like its bc I cater to her but I really really work hard to make sure she doesn't end up a bratty child.

Since she doesn't seem worse at home are there changes going on at th daycare in routine or something? Is it worse than normal or are they just getting tired of correcting the same behavior?

[ilovebed]

I agree that she just has a more stubborn personality. Part of it is just the way she is. Part of it is normal toddler behavior.
She's the oldest in her class. She used to be the youngest. Then this fall all the older kids moved up to the next class and she stayed in her class bc she's not potty trained and she's not old enough I move up. But now all the other kids in her class are a lot younger. I asked her teacher on Monday when she would be able to move up and she said Blb isn't ready yet bc she still struggles with listening and following directions. In the next class up they do horse riding and swimming lessons so it's really important that the kids are disciplined enough to sit still, wait for their turn, follow directions, etc. I'm just concerned bc I'm like what happened yesterday that her teacher felt like she needed to call me at work? She didn't, but she was thinking about it.
Putting Blb down for a nap or bed is one of the only easy things with her. I don't know why she's so hard there other than I think their nap time is too late.

[jamer]

That was another thought. If she's over tired I bet it's not helping at all. My daughters is 100x worse if she's tired. My daughter also does much better with older kids. Sounds like maybe she's bored and/or tired??

[georgeharrison]

When Tman was 2, I did a co-op preschool with him, and I was SO FRUSTRATED because he did not want to do what he was supposed to do. He wanted to run around for circle time, really any time for that matter. I hated it at the time, but now that I look back, he was only 2! I think it's normal. Yes, it might be frustrating both to you and her care givers at times, but at this age, they are still learning how to behave and I don't think it's anything to be concerned about. If she were 7 and behaving that way, that would be concerning.

[ilovebed]

The is everyone. I talked to her teacher this morning and she calmed my anxiety. She said it's nothing out of the normal. She just has a more head strong personality and they want to make sure we are all on the same page about being consistent with discipline without squashing her natural personality.

[jamer]

Oct 30, 2014 11:46:04 GMT -5 ilovebed said:

The is everyone. I talked to her teacher this morning and she calmed my anxiety. She said it's nothing out of the normal. She just has a more head strong personality and they want to make sure we are all on the same page about being consistent with discipline without squashing her natural personality.

Thanks, this makes me feel better about my daughter too

[karebear219]

I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to help reasure you. Just remember the school is trying to work with you rather than against you, so being called or met with, while scary, isn't a bad thing. They probably even have some ideas that might help.