When Hipsters Wed

[mominatrix]

The World’s Most Hipster Wedding Announcement May Justify Outlawing Love
Drew Magary

Reader Tess has alerted me to "The Story of Jess & Russ," a wedding website so remarkably twee, it's like two Wes Anderson movies started fucking each other.

Let's run down the checklist to make sure we've touched every possible hipster element:

Brooklyn? CHECK.

Overly elaborate site design that includes a silhouette of a girl being pulled through the moonlight by a little bird? CHECK.

He plays in a band? CHECK.

"After a tumultuous relationship came to a close, he decided to take a break from dating, and took up bread baking"? CHECK.

Animated teardrops? CHECK.

A cat? CHECK.

A shared love of ironic karaoke choices? CHECK.

826 fundraiser participation? CHECK.

I scrolled through this entire page (it's the length of a football field) and I feel like I just married Zooey Deschanel. TWICE. And while I respect the right of newlywed couples to spend what appears to be $500,000 on site architecture, we have to establish some basic ground rules for declaring your love for one another online. Because this... this is too much love. This is like stuffing a tunnel down your friend's throat and pouring in a gallon of Karo syrup. No one outside of your relationship could possibly care this much about the history of your relationship. And so, please consider the following rules when making your wedding page:

1. Don't make me scroll for nine hours just for me to get to the fucking date. All I want to know is A) The date, B) Where it is (if it's a destination wedding, I'm not going), and C) If there will be an open bar. I don't need your joint resumes lodged into the mix.

2. Please know that the more romantic your proposal, the more likely you are that you'll get divorced. I've seen it a million times. Some guy stages an elaborate proposal that includes hiding the ring at the top of a fucking restored Ferris Wheel that the bride rode as a child, and the couple ends up divorced nine months later. Meanwhile, the guy that proposes using a discarded cockring after the HPT comes back positive stays married for eight decades.

3. If you played in a band, please let me know if your band is playing the wedding. Because I will not be attending if that's the case.

4. After designing your wedding site, step back and ask yourself IS THIS TOO CUTE? Because it is. Remove at least half the twinkling stars.

5. Don't do that shit where you make me give to charity instead of buying you a gift. You want me to donate to water, Jess & Russ? I THINK NOT. I think you want to make yourself look good AND you're hoping I pick out a nice place setting at Bloomie's for you. YOU ARE FOOLING NO ONE.

As reader j_zimms, says, "That site makes me want to punch weddings." Oh, and I wish the happy couple nothing but the best.

Image: From Jess & Russ


gawker.com/5930215/the-worlds-most-hipster-wedding-announcement-may-justify-outlawing-love?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_facebook&utm_source=gawker_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

[mominatrix]

I've been trying to get into the site, but it's (unsurprisingly) running super slow... I'm thinking they have more traffic than they ever expected.

[ChillyMcFreeze]

I like it. Fucking hipsters.

(DH proposed to me in his driveway. That's sufficiently unromantic to buy us at least a decade, right?)

[pixy0stix]

Is that bird pierced?

[pixy0stix]

jessandruss.us/

z. o. m. g.

[ESF]

Jul 31, 2012 11:00:06 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

jessandruss.us/

z. o. m. g.

x 1000

That website is so long that you grow a full, bushy mustache while reading.

[msmerymac]

This is HILARIOUS.

But, really, everyone thinks people care about them, their relationship, their wedding, and their hipstamatic photos more than they possibly could. Not just hipsters. Hipsters are just more annoying about it.

[pixy0stix]

I have the sudden urge to visit an independent coffee shop.

[Melissa W.]

"Meanwhile, the guy that proposes using a discarded cockring after the HPT comes back positive stays married for eight decades"

This made me laugh out loud.

[basilosaurus]

Jul 31, 2012 11:11:58 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

I have the sudden urge to visit an independent coffee shop.

Make sure you ride your fixie there.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

This, people. This is what happens when everyone who participates gets a trophy. They grow up to be the kinds of "adults" who assume that everyone and their friend wants to read a really boring, self-important saga of their "love affair." Trophies are for winners and people who aren't boring.

[Deleted]

Jul 31, 2012 11:51:53 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

This, people. This is what happens when everyone who participates gets a trophy. They grow up to be the kinds of "adults" who assume that everyone and their friend wants to read a really boring, self-important saga of their "love affair." Trophies are for winners and people who aren't boring.

LOL.

[heyjude]

Divorce in 3 years.

[pixy0stix]

I'm sure they're being talked about all over, and won't come to defend themselves here, but I feel I should clarify.

I think the website design is awesome. The design and concept is compelling and unique. That content itself is what is atrocious.

[Deleted]

I think they know its annoying and pretentious and for that reason, I think its sort of cute :-(

[winston]

I can't believe that ring cost $6750.

[heyjude]

There are a ton of passionate defenders on Gawker. Makes me think the couple is responding.

[josieposy]

2. Please know that the more romantic your proposal, the more likely you are that you'll get divorced. I've seen it a million times. Some guy stages an elaborate proposal that includes hiding the ring at the top of a fucking restored Ferris Wheel that the bride rode as a child, and the couple ends up divorced nine months later. Meanwhile, the guy that proposes using a discarded cockring after the HPT comes back positive stays married for eight decades.


Well then I should be ok. DH proposed in a rose garden, in the dark, right after we got hit up for money by a homeless person. I'm still convinced that he did it in the dark so I couldn't see the ring. Thankfully it was the one I wanted and not overly obnoxious.

[basilosaurus]

We're going to be together for evah!

He proposed to me with twistie ties. Which was fine, because it was a joke between us, that I said that's all I wanted/needed.

Except, he stayed up half the night trying to figure out how to braid it, screwed his first attempt up really badly, kinda figured it out for the 2nd, and then mistakenly gave me the botched 1st one b/c he was so nervous. Endearing. Not romantic.

[heightsyankee]

Jul 31, 2012 12:06:59 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

I'm sure they're being talked about all over, and won't come to defend themselves here, but I feel I should clarify.

I think the website design is awesome. The design and concept is compelling and unique. That content itself is what is atrocious.

I agree. It was a little too long, but if they cut about 1/2 of their bullet points, I think it would be cool to receive. I am full of hipster hate but also love cool design. This is more of the later to me.

I really liked when the key board letters came together. That was neat-o.

[IIOY]

Jul 31, 2012 11:51:53 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

This, people. This is what happens when everyone who participates gets a trophy. They grow up to be the kinds of "adults" who assume that everyone and their friend wants to read a really boring, self-important saga of their "love affair." Trophies are for winners and people who aren't boring.

Booyah!

[summer]

Not for nothing, one or both of them may get a design job out of this.

And their friends probably already know what kind of people they are and love their quirky ways.

I'm fine with this. Though I'm with lyss about the trophy thing. But if this is the worst that comes of everyone being a winner, than it's okay.

[msmerymac]

That is one fugly ring.

[emisi]

Kind of annoying for a wedding invitation, but the design itself is neat. She's apparently some big-time designer, did the opening credits for a recent movie.

And H and I will be together forever. We were looking at rings, and on the way to a different store I said "We should just say we're engaged." He agreed. Bam.