I haven't heard from H in 14 hours

[BioNerd]

I didn't speak to him this morning when I left.

I haven't heard from him since. He's not home obviously. I texted at 4:45 and 6 with no response. Caller ID shows his mom called the house at 5:45.

Yes, I'm still pissed. But now all I can imagine is that he's in a ditch somewhere.

[SwimDeep]

okay...the first thing to do is breathe.
Several long deep breaths.

Why would your MIL call your house? Can you call her to touch base?

[SwimDeep]

He's not in a ditch...I'm an Internet stranger, but trust me anyway. He will find a safe place to be so he can find his fix.

Just breathe.

Editing to tag you: BioNerd

[BioNerd]

Thanks SwimDeep
BIL texted me that H returned his text and said he was safe.
It seems like addict manipulation that is making him not respond to me.

[SwimDeep]

BioNerd - it is absolutely manipulation. I know it hurts (especially because you know, deep down, that he's doing it on purpose), and that's why you have to breathe.

What you need to focus on right now is taking care of you and your son.

(((HUGS)))

[flex]

He's not doing it on purpose to punish you--he's fixated on his addiction. When an addict/alcoholic is active, their fix is the only thing that matters. They know they'll get in trouble when they go home, but they're willing to risk the yelling, and the threats, AND even if action is taken (throwing them out of the house, etc.)--just so they can get high. They'll deal with the ramifications later.

"It's better to beg for forgiveness than to seek permission" is an adage all active alcoholic/addicts live by.

[SwimDeep]

flex is much wiser than I am. I'm still dealing with a lot of resentment towards my H and his alcoholism, and that definitely colored my previous comments.

Flex is right - all he's thinking about right now is his next high. He's not necessarily doing it to punish you (me saying he was doing it on purpose was my own knee-jerk reaction).

[btay]

Everything Flex said. He is doing this because he is so focused on getting a fix he is pretty much oblivious to the feelings of anyone around him. It always helps me to remember that when it comes to an active addict their substance becomes their number 1 priority; above family, above shelter, above food and water.

[flex]

BioNerd how are you doing today? Any updates? We're here for you.

[flex]

It may be that he's saying "fuck you, w...I do what I want" when you're texting him. But I bet after he gets his fix, he'll think "oh man...why do I keep doing this to her...or me?"

Just sayin', because I like to belabor a point. lol

[lexxasaurus]

Nov 6, 2014 15:43:21 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

I'm going to respectfully disagree. My opinion is he might be ignoring your texts to punish you. He's been found out and you drew a line in the sand. He may be mad at you. (Says one who took it out on her DH more than once.)

I'm kind of here, kind of torn. I don't think we can know his motive without knowing their relationship. Even when my ex wasn't using, he would "punish" me for things. Not let me know where he was, purposely not reply if he was mad, etc. That meant when he was back to using he was even MORE spiteful.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, but you know he's safe and that's good. Don't worry yourself sick and remember to take care of you (ad hard as that is).

[BioNerd]

I spoke with him today. He knows he is not welcome back in our home at the current time and possibly never will be.

He has taken a job that starts next week- he kept asking how he was supposed to shower and get dressed. I stood my ground and told him he'd have to find somewhere else to do those things and he's a grown man who can figure it out.

I will have DS call him tonight- after a strict warning to keep his act together.

[flex]

Nov 6, 2014 16:06:12 GMT -5 BioNerd said:

I spoke with him today. He knows he is not welcome back in our home at the current time and possibly never will be.

He has taken a job that starts next week- he kept asking how he was supposed to shower and get dressed. I stood my ground and told him he'd have to find somewhere else to do those things and he's a grown man who can figure it out.

I will have DS call him tonight- after a strict warning to keep his act together.

GOOD FOR YOU!!  I mean, he should have considered a Plan B while he was snorting/injecting/drinking/smoking as to where he was going to wind up showering, etc. 

Like I've said before, we alkies/addicts are infamous for our manipulating ways.  How dare he put this on you???  I was one of those manipulators when I was using, but this sober/clean addict is getting indignant over his BS.  I'm so sorry, MTML.  (((hugs)))

[BioNerd]

Nov 6, 2014 20:14:27 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Nov 6, 2014 16:06:12 GMT -5 BioNerd said:

I spoke with him today. He knows he is not welcome back in our home at the current time and possibly never will be.

He has taken a job that starts next week- he kept asking how he was supposed to shower and get dressed. I stood my ground and told him he'd have to find somewhere else to do those things and he's a grown man who can figure it out.

I will have DS call him tonight- after a strict warning to keep his act together.

I envy your strength.

It's hard... When I feel myself crumbling I just imagine what could have happened all those mornings he drove DS to school.

I haven't cried yet- I know when I do it won't be pretty.

[BioNerd]

H called today. He starts his new job on Tuesday and is having trouble finding somewhere to stay locally (he's currently about 1.5 hours away). He asked to stay here. I told him that's not the point of a separation, he is welcome to visit DS but he may not stay.

Then he asked if I had suggestions for where he could go. I was so proud of myself for telling him that wasn't my problem and I was sure CL had some rooms for rent.

I hope this makes the situation more clear to him.



So- when should I expect to crumble? I feel like I've been strong all week, I keep waiting for the reality of it all to hit me.

[BioNerd]

Thanks for checking in @courtneyloves here's the update I posted on MM:

H came to visit DS today. He stayed about 3.5 hours and ate dinner with us. It's his birthday- I couldn't be totally heartless. DS picked out a few gifts and a card for him.

He left to go to an NA meeting. Says he's renting a camper from a family for $100/wk.

Says he's going to see the doc tomorrow.

I told him I opened my own bank account- I think he really thinks this is temporary based on his expression when I told him. I made it clear that no matter what happens between us I will always have my own account from here on out.

I also let him know that the preschool is on alert to call me ASAP if he picks up DS. Since there's no custody agreement I can't keep him from picking up, but he knows that I don't trust him to drive DS anywhere.

I think he's super, duper minding his Ps and Qs trying to get back in my good graces.

[malibu]

You are incredibly strong, BioNerd. A big hearty yo go girl, to you. I am seriously impressed with the steps you've taken and sticking to your boundaries.

[BioNerd]

Thank you guys so much for the encouraging words. I don't feel strong.