Spouses-does it get easier?

[arch01]

DH came home on Friday. We had a fantastic weekend, had great conversations about his time in rehab and he went to meetings over the weekend and is working on finding a sponsor.

Last night we talked on the phone while he was at work and he said that he can see that the nighttime will be rough because he's alone-and typically after his shift he'd go start drinking. He said he didn't want to last night, but that it's a potential issue. He talked about wanting to find another job again, which is something he's talked on/off about for a couple years now. The problem has always been that he has no clue what he'd want to do-and he'd basically have to start over career-wise since he's in a somewhat specialized position now. Financially it'd suck, but if that's what needs to happen then we'll get through it.

I woke up panicked at 10:45 because he wasn't home. It's not that unusual for him to not be home at that time (it's anywhere between 10 and midnight), but the first question in my mind after "where is he?" was "is he drinking?"

It was his first day back at work and I have no reason to believe he stopped for drinks last night-but then again, I had no clue it was happening when it was a regular thing either. 

Does this panic/fear ever lesson or do I need to accept it as reality? I hate that my mind immediately goes to questioning him, but I know it'll take time to rebuild some of that trust.

[btay]

It definitely lessons as he continues to prove himself. Trust=words+actions matching over time. So right now it is hard to trust that he is doing the right thing because historically he hasn't, but every time he comes home sober and when expected it builds just a tiny little bit of the trust back. My H has been sober almost 2 years and the moments of panic still happen, but far less frequently then when he first got home.

[malibu]

Nov 11, 2014 13:08:51 GMT -5 btay said:

It definitely lessons as he continues to prove himself. Trust=words+actions matching over time. So right now it is hard to trust that he is doing the right thing because historically he hasn't, but every time he comes home sober and when expected it builds just a tiny little bit of the trust back. My H has been sober almost 2 years and the moments of panic still happen, but far less frequently then when he first got home.

So much YES to this. I think the rehab programs point this out to the patients, but whether this sticks in their mind or not I don't know.

[flex]

I'd like to add something to this conversation as the alcoholic who affected a spouse with my poor behavior:  I know my ex-h kind of resented the "oh flex, you're sober now! How wonderful! You're awesome." because of the wreckage I had caused in the past due to my behavior. I was on a pink cloud when I first sobered up and was positively giddy about myself. I'll admit I thought ex-h really needed to let go of his resentment and distrust of me, but in hindsight I realize that is not an easy thing to do when the spouse of the recovering addict with thoughts of "hey that's really great that spouse is sober, but what about me? I suffered too!"

[arch01]

Nov 11, 2014 14:18:18 GMT -5 flex said:

I'd like to add something to this conversation as the alcoholic who affected a spouse with my poor behavior:  I know my ex-h kind of resented the "oh flex, you're sober now! How wonderful! You're awesome." because of the wreckage I had caused in the past due to my behavior. I was on a pink cloud when I first sobered up and was positively giddy about myself. I'll admit I thought ex-h really needed to let go of his resentment and distrust of me, but in hindsight I realize that is not an easy thing to do when the spouse of the recovering addict with thoughts of "hey that's really great that spouse is sober, but what about me? I suffered too!"

I struggle with this some days more than others-as I'm sure is evident in some of my first posts on this board. I know DH realizes that this hasn't been an easy road for me either, but navigating the waters between being supportive and expressing my feelings isn't a cakewalk some days. I have hesitations about bringing up last night since he's trying to adjust back to day-to-day living, but don't want to ignore or suppress my concerns either. I don't want to freak him out and think that I'm always going to be paranoid, but I also know things like this are going to cross my mind and I think I need to be honest about it with him.

[flex]

Nov 11, 2014 14:46:19 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Nov 11, 2014 14:18:18 GMT -5 flex said:

I'd like to add something to this conversation as the alcoholic who affected a spouse with my poor behavior:  I know my ex-h kind of resented the "oh flex, you're sober now! How wonderful! You're awesome." because of the wreckage I had caused in the past due to my behavior. I was on a pink cloud when I first sobered up and was positively giddy about myself. I'll admit I thought ex-h really needed to let go of his resentment and distrust of me, but in hindsight I realize that is not an easy thing to do when the spouse of the recovering addict with thoughts of "hey that's really great that spouse is sober, but what about me? I suffered too!"

I struggle with this some days more than others-as I'm sure is evident in some of my first posts on this board. I know DH realizes that this hasn't been an easy road for me either, but navigating the waters between being supportive and expressing my feelings isn't a cakewalk some days. I have hesitations about bringing up last night since he's trying to adjust back to day-to-day living, but don't want to ignore or suppress my concerns either. I don't want to freak him out and think that I'm always going to be paranoid, but I also know things like this are going to cross my mind and I think I need to be honest about it with him.

This is where Al-Anon comes in to help you.  I understand your hesitation in talking to DH about your concerns.  He could take that poorly.  But if you have a sponsor in Al-Anon or go to meetings regularly, you can talk about your fears and concerns to a third party and not have to worry about walking on eggshells.  

[arch01]

Nov 11, 2014 14:51:56 GMT -5 flex said:

Nov 11, 2014 14:46:19 GMT -5 arch01 said:

I struggle with this some days more than others-as I'm sure is evident in some of my first posts on this board. I know DH realizes that this hasn't been an easy road for me either, but navigating the waters between being supportive and expressing my feelings isn't a cakewalk some days. I have hesitations about bringing up last night since he's trying to adjust back to day-to-day living, but don't want to ignore or suppress my concerns either. I don't want to freak him out and think that I'm always going to be paranoid, but I also know things like this are going to cross my mind and I think I need to be honest about it with him.

This is where Al-Anon comes in to help you.  I understand your hesitation in talking to DH about your concerns.  He could take that poorly.  But if you have a sponsor in Al-Anon or go to meetings regularly, you can talk about your fears and concerns to a third party and not have to worry about walking on eggshells.  

I'm still not 100% on board with Al-Anon (I know, I know)...I haven't walked away feeling any better than I did when I first walked in, and I also find the restrictions about what you *can* talk about in the meetings hard to deal with, but I haven't given up on it yet. I've also spent the afternoon researching therapists that deal with addiction and marriages and may go that route for the moment.

[btay]

Nov 11, 2014 14:57:20 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Nov 11, 2014 14:51:56 GMT -5 flex said:

This is where Al-Anon comes in to help you.  I understand your hesitation in talking to DH about your concerns.  He could take that poorly.  But if you have a sponsor in Al-Anon or go to meetings regularly, you can talk about your fears and concerns to a third party and not have to worry about walking on eggshells.  

I'm still not 100% on board with Al-Anon (I know, I know)...I haven't walked away feeling any better than I did when I first walked in, and I also find the restrictions about what you *can* talk about in the meetings hard to deal with, but I haven't given up on it yet. I've also spent the afternoon researching therapists that deal with addiction and marriages and may go that route for the moment.

 What kind of restrictions were you given?  I know they say not to discuss treatment centers or therapy but I think the point of that is they don't want you to go in endorsing a doctor or treatment center, not that you have to avoid topics related to that.  People in my Al Anon group discuss things they learned in therapy, or things they learned in family programs all the time.  It could just be that you haven't found the right meeting for you so definitely try out a few.  Even if you don't totally buy into the 12 steps for yourself, just having people who understand really does help.  I also think finding a good therapist is a great idea.  Really the more people you can get on your support team right now the better.

[arch01]

Nov 11, 2014 16:23:36 GMT -5 btay said:

Nov 11, 2014 14:57:20 GMT -5 arch01 said:

I'm still not 100% on board with Al-Anon (I know, I know)...I haven't walked away feeling any better than I did when I first walked in, and I also find the restrictions about what you *can* talk about in the meetings hard to deal with, but I haven't given up on it yet. I've also spent the afternoon researching therapists that deal with addiction and marriages and may go that route for the moment.

 What kind of restrictions were you given?  I know they say not to discuss treatment centers or therapy but I think the point of that is they don't want you to go in endorsing a doctor or treatment center, not that you have to avoid topics related to that.  People in my Al Anon group discuss things they learned in therapy, or things they learned in family programs all the time.  It could just be that you haven't found the right meeting for you so definitely try out a few.  Even if you don't totally buy into the 12 steps for yourself, just having people who understand really does help.  I also think finding a good therapist is a great idea.  Really the more people you can get on your support team right now the better.

No treatment centers, no therapy, and no talk about the addict themselves. Only talk about *you*. I noticed that every single person at the last meeting I went to only talked about themselves-absolutely nothing about their relationship with the addict, effects on them, etc. I'm still "shopping around" and now that I'm back to a normal schedule at work I have a bit more flexibility, but I think finding a therapist is going to be a bigger priority at the moment. I'm also going to try out an online meeting this week, which I didn't get to do previously.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Nov 11, 2014 14:57:20 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Nov 11, 2014 14:51:56 GMT -5 flex said:

This is where Al-Anon comes in to help you.  I understand your hesitation in talking to DH about your concerns.  He could take that poorly.  But if you have a sponsor in Al-Anon or go to meetings regularly, you can talk about your fears and concerns to a third party and not have to worry about walking on eggshells.  

I'm still not 100% on board with Al-Anon (I know, I know)...I haven't walked away feeling any better than I did when I first walked in, and I also find the restrictions about what you *can* talk about in the meetings hard to deal with, but I haven't given up on it yet. I've also spent the afternoon researching therapists that deal with addiction and marriages and may go that route for the moment.

The restrictions are what helps you heal .... Anonymity is the best medicine. It doesn't matter who you are, how old you are, what you do for a living, if you have kids or not ... Everyone sharing experiences good - bad- ugly about what works and what doesn't when dealing w a family member that's an addict.

[arch01]

Nov 11, 2014 17:06:48 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Nov 11, 2014 14:57:20 GMT -5 arch01 said:

I'm still not 100% on board with Al-Anon (I know, I know)...I haven't walked away feeling any better than I did when I first walked in, and I also find the restrictions about what you *can* talk about in the meetings hard to deal with, but I haven't given up on it yet. I've also spent the afternoon researching therapists that deal with addiction and marriages and may go that route for the moment.

The restrictions are what helps you heal .... Anonymity is the best medicine. It doesn't matter who you are, how old you are, what you do for a living, if you have kids or not ... Everyone sharing experiences good - bad- ugly about what works and what doesn't when dealing w a family member that's an addict.

It's also the part I've found least helpful in the past 6 weeks-where I've found the most comfort and had the best conversations/hope has been out of one on one conversations with people who could directly relate. I know there's value in the basic messages in what everyone has to share with the restrictions-and I'm hoping that I can find a few people to build relationships with outside of meetings through some of those messages.

[flex]

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm ragging on you about Al-Anon. I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting so I didn't know there were restrictions on subject matter, though I do see the benefit of focusing on yourself and not just bitching about the active addict.

All I'm basing my opinions on is my attendance of AA meetings. There are many many different types of AA meetings, and the first, second or third meeting may not be a good "fit". Plus many AA'ers talk about themselves all the time--we're kind of self-absorbed. lol

So I encourage you to actively seek out different meetings (I see you intend on attending an online meeting which is great) before you giving up on Al-Anon.

AND I think it's great you're seeing a therapist--whatever it takes so you get better. : )

[arch01]

Nov 11, 2014 18:11:49 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

I really like the addiction therapist DH sees (or used to see, I guess). He is a proponent of the 12 steps, but he's a family therapist so he deals with the whole situation. I found him to be very helpful.

I won't touch on your first question because we're in very different places right now. I think that finding support is the most important thing for you.

I'm glad you found the therapist to be helpful. I'm hoping to find someone that will deal with the big picture as well as the individual pieces. 

And lots of hugs to you. You and your family continue to be in my thoughts.    

[arch01]

Nov 11, 2014 18:39:29 GMT -5 flex said:

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm ragging on you about Al-Anon. I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting so I didn't know there were restrictions on subject matter, though I do see the benefit of focusing on yourself and not just bitching about the active addict.

All I'm basing my opinions on is my attendance of AA meetings. There are many many different types of AA meetings, and the first, second or third meeting may not be a good "fit". Plus many AA'ers talk about themselves all the time--we're kind of self-absorbed. lol

So I encourage you to actively seek out different meetings (I see you intend on attending an online meeting which is great) before you giving up on Al-Anon.

AND I think it's great you're seeing a therapist--whatever it takes so you get better. : )

No, no-it just comes up a lot and I have my hesitations with it. It's hard to keep making yourself seek out the "same" thing after having not-great experiences. But maybe the right fit is out there. Maybe I will find one that is a bit more conversation instead of talk for 2 minutes, listen for 58-I think I would connect a bit more in that setting. We'll see what I find. 

I have no intention of bitching about the addict, that's for sure. I'm so, so proud of him for recognizing and subsequently admitting there was a problem, and then doing what he felt was best to start recovery...even though that meant turning our worlds upside down very quickly. It was hard being apart, but we managed. He has been amazing since he returned Friday. The fact that I had NO clue he was drinking as much as he was after work since I was asleep is obviously a problem-and that trust issue will take time I guess. I like what btay said earlier about trust. I'm not bitter or angry, more just anxious. We are looking for things to do that don't involve drinking and that he won't associate drinking with-things to do as a family and/or just the two of us. I just don't want the anxiety to get to an unhealthy level.  

[arch01]

Nov 17, 2014 8:47:37 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

arch01 -- how are you doing? How have things been going with your DH at home?

Thanks for asking

I'm ok I guess. We had an OK weekend. Yesterday we had a bad morning and DH told me that I didn't seem happy (after an horrendous family trip to Target). Later he told me he didn't know why we were still together sometimes-I had come home and started doing some housework since I was under the impression that he was going to a 1:00 meeting. He had changed his mind and wanted to go to one later so he could watch a football game, but didn't tell me. If I would have known that, I wouldn't have done housework at that time. So...yeah. He told me yesterday was his first time that he really wanted to drink, but he didn't want to have to look at himself in the mirror and know that he failed. He said that I probably wouldn't even know if he drank, but maybe I would. But the bottom line was that he had a poem from rehab that was about a man looking at himself in the mirror-and either being proud of what he accomplished or being ashamed. I haven't told him that I'm making plans to get in to see a therapist; the time never seemed "right" to have that conversation. He worked all day Saturday and was exhausted, and he was already in a bad place Sunday so I didn't want to pile onto that.

The rest of the day went a bit better. We had a good evening and in DS' world, it's like DH was never gone. From the second he walked in the door, we're back to everything is all dada and I can take a hike.

How are you doing??

[arch01]

Nov 17, 2014 20:36:13 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Nov 17, 2014 9:01:29 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Thanks for asking

I'm ok I guess. We had an OK weekend. Yesterday we had a bad morning and DH told me that I didn't seem happy (after an horrendous family trip to Target). Later he told me he didn't know why we were still together sometimes-I had come home and started doing some housework since I was under the impression that he was going to a 1:00 meeting. He had changed his mind and wanted to go to one later so he could watch a football game, but didn't tell me. If I would have known that, I wouldn't have done housework at that time. So...yeah. He told me yesterday was his first time that he really wanted to drink, but he didn't want to have to look at himself in the mirror and know that he failed. He said that I probably wouldn't even know if he drank, but maybe I would. But the bottom line was that he had a poem from rehab that was about a man looking at himself in the mirror-and either being proud of what he accomplished or being ashamed. I haven't told him that I'm making plans to get in to see a therapist; the time never seemed "right" to have that conversation. He worked all day Saturday and was exhausted, and he was already in a bad place Sunday so I didn't want to pile onto that.

The rest of the day went a bit better. We had a good evening and in DS' world, it's like DH was never gone. From the second he walked in the door, we're back to everything is all dada and I can take a hike.

How are you doing??

I'm doing ok -- thanks for asking.

Don't feel bad about needing to see a therapist. I wish I had gone more often than I did in the beginning.

I don't feel bad-I just need to find the right time to bring it up. I don't want to rock the boat more than it is already rocked. I did talk to him this morning and he said he did well last night, so hopefully this weekend I'll be able to sit down and tell him.

Glad to hear you're doing OK. You've been on my mind a lot.