s/o family issues

[sarack]

so i went to visit my dad's mom's sister's daughter.. and sister. if that makes sense. that is who we stayed with while we were down there..

anywhoo, my grandma is very nice and caring, but she is sly and sneaky. when we were younger, she was always sweet, but would say mean things. myc ousin once told me she wanted to be like me when she grew up, to which my grandma told her no she doesn't because i have an attitude. which i do, but it's sorta a family thing, we tell it like it is.. we're loud and blunt italians who love to eat! lol. anyway, she's also made other comments. when my cousin got preg she told her that if she doesn't start speaking up, no one will speak up for her child and basically called my cousin a bad mom.. i told my grandma since my cousin and i don't have mothers, these hurtful comments really hit deep and since i'm not sure she knew she was doing it, i wanted to bring it to her attention. everything was fine, we resolved it. i thought we were ok. cut to my uncle basically saying the family is scared of me because if they say or do anything wrong i'll yell at them.. which isn't the case.

anyway, i wondered if it'd be awkward because no one mentioned it. well both my 2nd cousin and aunt (grandma's sister) mentioned it without actually saying what the issue was. obviously they heard some side of the story that isn't the whole story but instead of saying it full out, they were like, how often do you see grandma, you should call her, if i didn't have auntie i don'tk now what i'd do withmyself.. blah blah blah.

i've tried to extend an olive branch to my gma and she isn't taking. i'm never invited to family things any more.. and my cousin doesn't attend them either since having her baby..

anyway, it's hella awkward. what would you do?

[Deleted]

Dad's mom's (grandma), sister's (great aunt), daughter. I think this makes her your 2nd cousin?

This is a really crappy answer, but IMO super old people (grandparents) are usually set in their ways. There isn't much you can do to change it. If you want a relationship with her then you're going to have to play by her rules. If you don't, and that's ok too, then I'd just let it be.

FWIW, my mom's dad has since died. But he was a really mean person. Like super mean. One day when I was about 14 or 15 I decided that I had enough. I made the decision that I wasn't going to let him treat me like that and I never talked to him again. It was kind of hard because he did live with my parents, but it made my life a lot better. He never tried to extend the olive branch to any of us or change his behavior, even after he became a quadriplegic. I don't regret my decision, I wish things would have worked out differently, but c'est la vie.

[sarack]

the reason i don't talk to her now though is because she lied. the conversation was just about making her aware of these things she had said and letting her know she'd hurt us. she came back at me months later and said, "you told me that my grandchildren love me but don't like me." i would NEVEr even think to say those things.. she lied and she knows it. i've now come to realize they lie a lot. and it's sad. i hate liars.

[Deleted]

Do you really think she knowingly lied or is she senile/confused/old and got things mixed up or thought she heard it, but she really didn't?

[sarack]

knowingly lied.

[val]

I don't really know anyone well enough to offer helpful suggestions but we have a mean Grandmother and we never speak to her. My dad is very sick and while he was in the hospital she was just awful and said things like my mom was evil and "ate baby hearts" (she may also be a tad crazy...."
Anyway, the point is we no longer speak to her. I actually saw her last month and myself and my sister refused to acknowledge her and I do no regret it at all.

[sarack]

my grandma isn't that mean.. and i honestly don't think she knows she says these things that really get to us. plus, she's been like our mom so it's hard because we really want her to be sweet to us.. i dunno.. anyway, it's just sad because i know i'm owed an apology for her lying and that is what bugs me the most. i bet i'll never get one which will always make me be distant. if something happened to her i'd be devastated, but mostly because she was wrong and refused to fix it. if i'm wrong, i always apologize.

[Deleted]

I feel like that's really noble of you and I'm totally in agreement, if you're wrong you applogize. However, given that you like her and you want to have a relationship, is this a hill you want to die on? As much as it sucks, can you let it go and enjoy her company? Ths is kind of what I was talking about earlier, as you get older its really hard to change someones personality and being your gmas age, I'm guessing its pretty damn near impossible.