s/o Spouse's opinion and decision to be SAHP

[fbf2006]

I was wondering if anyone has a spouse that doesn't like the idea of the other being a stay at home parent (especially SAHM)? Do they have any particular reasons?

[ijack]

H wasn't thrilled with the idea, mainly because he likes money. But he also knew it wasn't not an option. So he wasn't against it, just not really excited I guess.

[atouchofklasse]

Neither my husband nor I likes the idea of a SAHP. He had a SAHM and I didn't.

[egishere]

Mine doesn't like it all when I've brought it up before. I think for some of the other reasons listed - change to lifestyle, he tells me I won't like staying home which he may be partly right. But I think a big reason too is his Mom was a single Mom and never stayed at home so he doesn't "get" SAHM's.

[SJ]

I'm not a parent, but I don't like the idea of DH SAH FT. He doesn't like the idea of me SAH FT. At least we are on the same page. I think we would have to have oodles & oodles of money to decide to have one of us opt out of the workforce entirely.

We aren't very traditional as far as gender roles go. We both want to work and both want to spend time at home. Right now he says he'd like to be at home 1 day/week and I think I'd like to be at home 1-2 days/week. This is probably feasible with our current careers/jobs.

Neither of us had SAHP's, but all four of our parents had fairly flexible/nontraditional careers and were around a lot.

[CloudBee]

We live a cushy lifestyle right now, and spend a lot on vacations. He's hesitant to change that, and doesn't want to start budgeting and watching our spending more closely.

[fbf2006]

My husband and I don't like the idea. We're not used to it and it's not common among our friends and family. Aside from that, he says he likes the idea of his wife being career oriented and successful, the same way I like him to be.
We don't have kids yet though, so who knows! It is very unlikely that it would happen though.

[ssmjlm]

I talked about this in the other thread, but neither one of us are comfortable with extended SAH. I could see a year, but not much past that.

DH really realizes that his mother have no real career has hurt her down the line. She's never really held a FT job and basically went from living off FIL to living off her current husband. It's not a lifestyle he agrees with.

I take a lot of pride in my career and my financial independence. I don't want to be someone who relys on my husband to bring home the money.

[savannah11]

DH has always said that one of the reasons he married me is because he knew I had no desire to SAH. He wanted someone who would contribute financially. I think he was worried about being the sole provider.

All that said, he now thinks it would be best for me to stay home when the kids reach their teens.

[darnkatz]

We both feel that one of us should be with our kid when she's not in school. She was with me for the first three years of her life and H has stayed home with her this past year. He became unemployed and I started working full time. I have no regrets. H wishes he could have been home more with her before this year. We would hopefully be able to do the same for any future children. We both had SAHMs growing up.

Neither of us is career-oriented or what people would call successful, but we are very happy living this way.

[Deleted]

Aug 2, 2012 15:05:49 GMT -5 @savannah11 said:

DH has always said that one of the reasons he married me is because he knew I had no desire to SAH. He wanted someone who would contribute financially. I think he was worried about being the sole provider.

Ditto all of this.

[noonecareswhoiam]

DH doesn't want me staying at home, because then we'd be homeless and broke (I provide 2/3 our HHI).

I don't want DH staying at home because he's a shitty housekeeper and I'd end up paying a cleaning service anyway, or doing it myself, which would result in massive resentment and possible homicide.

[Deleted]

In theory I'd like to stay at home with my DS, but in reality I couldn't hack it since I hate cleaning, hate doing laundry and don't cook which I'd also have to do in addition to entertaining DS. H wouldn't like it if I just sat on the couch and let DS play independently-ha!

[bunch]

When we first got married, neither dh or I were comfortable with me SAHing. Things changed. Dh has been very supportive and now really enjoys the flexibility and free time with H that my being home affords him. I was really worried about resentment, but aside from a few minor spats when he was working ot and I was burned out, things have been good.

[Deleted]

We would both like if I could stay home in the abstract, but we've both been poor and didn't enjoy it much so it's not a priority for us. We will likely work toward me being part time (either 80% or 60%) after the next baby, and even that will be a stretch. We don't live a very extravagant lifestyle now, and the idea of having to scale that back by half doesn't seem worth it to him or me.

[froggy76]

DH and I have never really discussed me SAH since I was never interested and it's not feasible for us (I make 4x what he makes.) However, he's pretty easygoing, and if we could do it without sacrificing too much, I don't think he'd care.

I have thought a lot about DH being a SAHD. It would make our lives easier in so many ways. Because his income is so low, I get really annoyed when he comes home late and we are scrambling to have dinner and spend quality time with DD in the short time we have with her each evening. Ultimately, though, I don't think I'd like it if he didn't work- it would be almost as if he didn't have an identity outside of our home. I would love for him to work part-time, though. I may talk to him about it.

[Deleted]

That is one thing I'll say for my H - he has always been very respectful of my efforts as a SAHM. He often makes a point of telling me that he thinks I'm doing a good job and that it benefits the kids. He acknowledges how hard it can be and encourages me to take time for myself. He sees his income as ours jointly and has never once said anything to make me feel bad about not earning money. I guess this makes sense because it was his idea that I do this in the first place.

I wouldn't be able to do it if I felt that he was secretly, or not so secretly, bitter and resentful about it. I'm not one of those SAH at all costs moms.

[petitefrite]

For many reasons DH wants me to work PT. If I SAH, we'd have to cut back out spending and our annual Hawaii trips would be out the door. I'd lose my skills if I were to not practice law for a few years while our children are young. And, he worries about the marital strain/resentment if I were to not work and he had to pay my LS loans. I love working two days a week and I hope to do so for a long time to come.

[anna7602]

At the risk of people thinking my DH is a total machista jerk, DH actually would prefer if I were a "real" SAHP instead of a WAH parent who tries to keep her shit together doing it all. He works crazy hours and knows he can't do things like keep up with grocery shopping, put the kid to bed every night, pick her up from school, etc. and he really, really prefers that a parent do these things, not a nanny. I feel the same way regarding wanting to do these things myself v. having a nanny do them (we did have a nanny when I was still working outside the home a few years ago), but sometimes I wish both of us had the ability to balance everything. I feel a little overwhelmed sometimes that most of the home stuff is on me. It would be lovely to know that if my dream job came along and I had to be out of the house more, that I could rely on DH to pick up the slack, but I can't. And he would never in a million years want to be a SAHP, even if I were able to make a salary we could both live on.

[cozi]

DH and I have had a lot of conversations about this. I would love to SAH, DH would love for me to SAH. Heck we would both love it if he could SAH but its just not feasible for us. We make almost the same (when you factor in the bonuses I get) and a 50% pay cut is not that feasible. I have a higher earning potential that DH because he works in the government and loves his job and I'm in corporate America but I don't love my job.

The other thing is that if I'm going to SAH we would need for it to be able to work long term. I have 5 licenses for work that would expire after I'm out of the workforce for 2 years and those tests are freaking HARD so I wouldn't want to have to take them again if I ended up back doing what I'm doing now.

We're slowly working on putting as much of my income as possible into my 401k etc so that we rely mostly on his (he carries the insurance) so that if ever I did stay home we'd be used to not having the money AND have a pretty decent 401k set up already. And then I could roll it over and really be able to trade (I don't have the time now to do it properly)

[whitepicketfence]

No. Surprisingly enough, DH has always wanted me to be a SAHM. His mom SAH with 6 kids so it was what he was used to. I was the one who was adament about being a working mom...until DD1 was born. I went back to work for 2 months after my maternity leave ended and decided that it just wasn't working for our family.

I'm not sure how a SAHP situation would work if both spouses weren't on the same page.

[thatgirl2478]

In the past, I didn't think I wanted to be a SAHM. However, now that we have DD I'm more open to it. DH is agreeable to it if it makes me happy. Right now I'm a WAH mom and my DD is home with me. Since my job is flexible, they don't have any problems with this arrangement.

[vegas]

DH is actually the opposite--he wants me to SAH and I want to work. There are times that I feel guilty because DH makes more than enough to sustain our current lifestyle and my income goes 100% to savings, but I actually like to work and can't see myself leaving my job. I make six figures and worked hard for a law degree, to walk away would be extremely hard.

I also want to add that I think being a SAHM is MUCH harder than my current job. I give mad credit to anyone who does it, it's not easy. The days I stay home with DS because of illness or our nanny's vacation help me realize that staying at home is tough!

[mrssandro]

DH and I are on the same page with this. We went to college together, graduated together and he knows how important my career is to me. He knows that I am not stay at home material. I just don't have the patience for it. He is also the same way. We both feel DD is in a great learning environment being well taken care of.

[fbf2006]

Most people here seem to have husbands who would prefer they stay home. I was trying to find more people with husbands who don't and to see their reasons.

[Deleted]

Well, my husband wants me to work so that we're not poor.

I would think that's a big part of why most 2 income households have 2 incomes. Owning a house is spiffy and not attainable on DH's salary alone.

[ohgillian]

Aug 2, 2012 14:48:37 GMT -5 ijack said:

H wasn't thrilled with the idea, mainly because he likes money. But he also knew it wasn't not an option. So he wasn't against it, just not really excited I guess.

This is us too, although I feel terrible saying it. But DH's entire objection would be money -- he isn't willing to make all the tradeoffs and sacrifices that would be necessary. I am, but on the other hand, I would suck as a SAHM, so it's not really an issue.

[mmmomof2]

DH was not on board at first. He thought for sure we couldn't afford it and he grew up with a mom that worked albeit part time. He thought I should go part time, but that's a fantasy at my level in my line of work. Once we ran the numbers and I showed him we could still afford retirement and college savings and some entertainment he was OK with it. Now that the reality is here and he sees how he is able to work late and not take time off for appointments and sick kids he really appreciates it.

[fbf2006]

Aug 3, 2012 17:20:30 GMT -5 @246baje said:

It just isn't common where we grew up. I knew one kid with a SAHM growing up and even the rich folks worked even if it was overseeing their own businesses etc.

Even now I don't know any SAHMs in my generation from my country so it just wasn't an expectation or even on the radar. If i weren't the breadwinner and I wanted to SAHM DH probably would be surprised and wonder whatever for.

Luckily I have no desire to SAH. I go back to work from ML on Monday and while I cherished this time with Max I'm looking forward to it.

This is pretty much my experience and why I had the question. It's just not something I'm that familiar with. Even women that didn't "work" growing up had some sort of store their husbands would buy for them that they could oversee.

It's probably partly because labor was pretty cheap, so regular families sometimes had maids (a combination of a cleaner/nanny/cook).

All the best on your return to work!

[Deleted]

I'm not 100% clear where my DH stands on this, as we don't have kids and I think we've both always assumed we'd both keep working if we had a kid.

I think that if he was making enough money for us to support the lifestyle we'd like to have, he'd be fine with it. Especially since it would mean I'd be doing the bulk of the stuff at home (which is the way I'd want it if I SAH, with some exception while the child(ren) is very young perhaps).

But he's also more of a spender and more into "buying stuff" than I am, so realistically losing my income and changing our lifestyle is unlikely to appeal to him. It doesn't appeal to me, either - I would love to be a SAHM if we ever had kids but I don't think I'd be willing to make the necessary sacrifice either, unless some miracle happened and DH was able to make enough to support us with a lifestyle superior to what we currently have. That will likely not happen while we're young enough to have kids. Maybe by retirement