Crappy Mom People

[hubes]

How do you make sure that you aren't continuing the cycle with your own kids? I worry about that a lot. I don't want T to grow up feeling like I did.

[hubes]

I guess I'm talking about how you make sure you don't fall back into those behaviors with your kids.

My mom mostly ignores T, so I'm not worried about her being mean to him.

[speckledfrog]

I also worry about it a lot. It helps to think to myself, "I know better, so I am going to do better. I have more tools under my belt than my mom did. This cycle stops with me."

MH came from a very normal family and his example and the desire to not disappoint him also helps.

I look at some of my mom friends for inspiration and remind myself that I want to be one of those moms that gets joy from her children.

I do a lot of reflection and assessing of situations. When I have a slip up moment I think about what I can do to make it better next time.

I try to cut myself some slack. I want to be the super most best mom ever but I'm just a human and I had a poor example. However, I know better, so I am going to do better. I have more tools under my belt than my mom did. This cycle stops with me.

[fryjack2]

Well for starters, I tell my 3 month old boys I love them about a million and one times a day. Thats a million and one more times than my mom has said those words to me in 32 years.

Honestly, I have no real advise as it was a huge reason why I was in the no kids boat for so long. I remind myself that no one is perfect. You will do something that messes with your kids in some way. The will most likely hate you as teenagers. I just want to make sure they always feel loved and supported and I hope for the best.

[OHMBLEEGOHHHHH!]

I catch myself a lot, and make a conscious effort to change my approaches.

[caitlinbree]

No words of advice, but this is my biggest fear about having kids. The idea that I might treat my kids the same way my mom treated me has thus far scared me off of having them.

I do really want kids, so hopefully at some point I will get over the irrational fear of it.

[fryjack2]

I'll echo speckled. I know that I want to be a good mom, but I had an awful example of one. I try to learn from my friends and I think back to what my childhood friends' moms were like.

[JamaicanPineapple]

I didn't comment in the other post but this is definitely something that I worry about. Neither my sister or myself have a great relationship with my Mom and it makes me really sad. I hope to keep an open line of communication with my girls and make an honest effort not to become super negative like my Mom is. I'm pretty much the opposite of my Mom so I'm hoping for a good outcome. Only time will tell I suppose.

Does anyone else get jealous of other people who have a great relationship with their Mom? My BFF and her Mom are super close and I always have a tinge of jealousy. It sucks.

[cheesierthanchedda]

I'm not a mom, but my biggest fear is being a screamer like my mom was. I can be quick to anger and H is always asking me to lower my voice when we fight. So that's my biggest fear.

My mom was a screamer even when she wasn't mad though. I lived in the basement and she never ever ever came to my door to talk to me. She screamed from across the house/top of the stairs for me to come to her.

[Deleted]

I actually pay attention to my kid, make sure he is bathed, cook him meals and don't make him feel like a huge inconvenience, so right there I am ahead of my mom. I try to avoid the trap of jokingly complaining in front of him because I know that kids don't get that distinction. I try not to yell and do not spank, so again, I am not like my mom there. I do my best I guess.

[Robot Jen]

Like speckled, I feel like I have more tools under my belt. She sees nothing wrong with saying hurtful comments because she sees it as telling the truth when no one else will. I see it as being an asshole. I think I'm a little more self-aware in regards to mental illness than she is (apparently anxiety and depression run down her side and right into my sister and I).

Not to mention the fact that if anything assholish pops out of my mouth unexpectedly, I actually feel embarrassed and err on the side of apologizing too much. I don't want to hurt my friends and family or lose them.

[Ruby Gloom]

I talk to my kids and respect their opinions, even if I do not agree with them. I try to treat them the way I like to be treated, remember "please" and "thank you", and do not consider them my little slaves. When I ask them to do things, chores or whatever, I ask them, I don't tell them, and I do not pick apart whatever they've done and re-do it if it is not up to my standards. I also try to give them a long leash, for lack of a better term, in hopes that they will learn from their own mistakes.

In short, I try to respect them, converse with them, and treat them like humans. This was not how I grew up.

[fuckyourcouch]

i'm not a mom, but my mom's mother was terrible (and still is, we just don't talk to her). my dad also had a pretty shitty childhood, and they both just went out of their way to be the opposite of everything they hated. knowing what they grew up with they did a fucking fabulous job.

[Deleted]

I actually have a bigger fear of trying so hard not to be my mom that I end up doing something else stupid that he resents me for years over.

I try to pay close attention to the specific words I use (even though he's only 14 months). My mom had a habit of describing things I said or did as stupid, ridiculous or whatever if she didn't like them. It basically made me feel like she was calling ME ridiculous or stupid. So I try really hard to keep "bad" words out when I'm talking to him.

One thing I feel strongly about is comforting him when he's crying (not in a tantrum). My mom used to roll her eyes at me and tell me to "Quit your boobing." when I was legitimately sad about something. I will never use those words with my son.

[Deleted]

This is a major fear of mine. My mom didn't give a shit while we were growing up. If we would spend every weekend over at a friends house, that was just a-ok with her, it meant she didn't have to deal with me/ us. We never ate together as a family, and more often than not we would be left eating ramen while my mom and step dad ate steaks for dinner. She never told us that she loved us, never showed any affection at all, and didn't really do much about our health or dental hygiene or care about how we did in school.

My kid is only 14 months old, but I always try to make the effort to play with her, take her outside as much as I can, and just do things that she wants to do. I always hug her and tickle her, and tell her that I love her every single day. I make sure she eats proper meals and good quality foods, home grown if I can help it, and we always eat dinner as a family. I make promises to myself that I am going to always take an interest in all of my kids activities and interests. Sometimes I feel like I'm an over the top parent, but I feel like if my dd isn't my #1 priority, I might end up like my mom. And that is not an option.

[ering1115]

We say I love you all the time and actually show affection. This is unheard of in my family.

I am also not going to rely on DS (or any future kids) to be my sounding board, act as my support system, or otherwise involve them in adult matters that they don't need to be privy to until it is their issue.

I am not going to allow DH or I to develop substance abuse problems and if we do, the other knows to take the kids and GTFO. No questions. No second chances. Clean and sober for 6 months after treatment before regular contact. My kids will NOT be dealing with that.

[Deleted]

Aug 3, 2012 13:32:05 GMT -5 OHMBLEEGOHHHHH! said:

I catch myself a lot, and make a conscious effort to change my approaches.

THIS. It slows down my responses sometimes, but I take it as a good sign that I can at least recognize the behavior so that I can change it.

[scotty]

That's why I don't have any.

[Deleted]

Oh yes, many of my friends are like BFFs with their moms and do fun shopping trips and just hang out with them and my mom is just not like that. I always wished she could just be *normal* like other moms and not such a depressed, anxious, weirdo.

[hubes]

Aug 3, 2012 13:51:19 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

Aug 3, 2012 13:36:41 GMT -5 JamaicanPineapple said:

Does anyone else get jealous of other people who have a great relationship with their Mom? My BFF and her Mom are super close and I always have a tinge of jealousy. It sucks.

I totally do. My mom is always offering to watch DD. It will never happen. Like ever. I don't even trust her to watch my pup.

I totally envy people who can drop their kids off with Grandma and not think twice. The thought of it cripples me with fear of what she would say/do to my kid.

My aunt and my cousin have that type of relationship.

I'm so lucky to have my aunt- a couple weeks ago I was stressed and she stayed up until 1 am baking cookies with me. She loves T and would do anything for him.

Honestly, I think she will eventually grow into that grandmother role with T.

[Deleted]

Aug 3, 2012 13:58:00 GMT -5 ering1115 said:

I am also not going to rely on DS (or any future kids) to be my sounding board, act as my support system, or otherwise involve them in adult matters that they don't need to be privy to until it is their issue.

Yes, I agree with this one. My mom did this too.

[Deleted]

I do envy other peoples mother/daughter relationships, and sad that I never had/never will have that with my own mother.

[hubes]

Aug 3, 2012 14:05:13 GMT -5 @schmancy said:

Aug 3, 2012 13:58:00 GMT -5 ering1115 said:

I am also not going to rely on DS (or any future kids) to be my sounding board, act as my support system, or otherwise involve them in adult matters that they don't need to be privy to until it is their issue.

Yes, I agree with this one. My mom did this too.

I have a caution on this one though- my parents thought I didn't need to know about anything. We found out that she was pregnant with our little sister at a wake- I was in 8th grade- but it was an "adult" issue.

We were also kept in the dark about a lot of things and it added a huge weight to me and my sister. I can remember when they didn't want to tell us about a family friend's divorce, and their shady behavior regarding it caused both of us sleepless nights and caused my sister to act out in school.

I don't think they need to be a sounding board or support system, but there is a certain amount of honesty required.

[Deleted]

Aug 3, 2012 14:08:29 GMT -5 hubes said:

Aug 3, 2012 14:05:13 GMT -5 @schmancy said:

Yes, I agree with this one. My mom did this too.

I have a caution on this one though- my parents thought I didn't need to know about anything. We found out that she was pregnant with our little sister at a wake- I was in 8th grade- but it was an "adult" issue.

We were also kept in the dark about a lot of things and it added a huge weight to me and my sister. I can remember when they didn't want to tell us about a family friend's divorce, and their shady behavior regarding it caused both of us sleepless nights and caused my sister to act out in school.

I don't think they need to be a sounding board or support system, but there is a certain amount of honesty required.

Honesty and openness yes. I get what you're saying.

But my mom thought it was appropriate to tell me when I was 10 about how she was almost raped in college, how my aunt WAS raped by her stepfather, and how she's pretty sure she was nearly abducted by Ted Bundy.

She also cried to me while telling me that she and my dad were fighting and that I needed to go "live out her dreams for her."

[hubes]

Aug 3, 2012 14:14:00 GMT -5 @schmancy said:

Aug 3, 2012 14:08:29 GMT -5 hubes said:

I have a caution on this one though- my parents thought I didn't need to know about anything. We found out that she was pregnant with our little sister at a wake- I was in 8th grade- but it was an "adult" issue.

We were also kept in the dark about a lot of things and it added a huge weight to me and my sister. I can remember when they didn't want to tell us about a family friend's divorce, and their shady behavior regarding it caused both of us sleepless nights and caused my sister to act out in school.

I don't think they need to be a sounding board or support system, but there is a certain amount of honesty required.

Honesty and openness yes. I get what you're saying.

But my mom thought it was appropriate to tell me when I was 10 about how she was almost raped in college, how my aunt WAS raped by her stepfather, and how she's pretty sure she was nearly abducted by Ted Bundy.

She also cried to me while telling me that she and my dad were fighting and that I needed to go "live out her dreams for her."

That's henious.

[Deleted]

And I probably just spilled a whole lot more than I ever should have.

[hubes]

Aug 3, 2012 14:15:58 GMT -5 @schmancy said:

And I probably just spilled a whole lot more than I ever should have.

Nope. Don't worry about it. I could regale you with the stuff my mom said/did.

Nothing rape related, but she did announce at one of our birthday parties that she "didn't know if her kids were lazy or just stupid."

[Deleted]

Aug 3, 2012 14:18:21 GMT -5 hubes said:

Aug 3, 2012 14:15:58 GMT -5 @schmancy said:

And I probably just spilled a whole lot more than I ever should have.

Nope. Don't worry about it. I could regale you with the stuff my mom said/did.

Nothing rape related, but she did announce at one of our birthday parties that she "didn't know if her kids were lazy or just stupid."

Yeah, that's horrible. I don't understand insulting your kids. That's exactly the kind of thing my MIL says to DH.

[partiallysunny]

Well, my story is a tad different. My parents pretty much ignored me when I was a child. The criticism started when I became a young adult.

So right now I'm just trying to find a balance between over compensating for my parents neglect and not being my parents.

I think the fact that I question and reassess my actions is what will ensure I don't end up like my parents.

It also helps that H's parents are so amazing.

[ering1115]

Yep- schmancy, not as graphic but more of the living out her dreams, money issues during her divorce from step-dad. I kind of get it- we were out of state and she didn't have her own friends but I was 10.

We have a good relationship when I maintain the boundaries that make me comfortable and she is amazing with DS. She does some guilt trips and I recently had to help her do a budget because she hadn't ever done one on her own. She doesn't try to be manipulative, she is just co-depenent and needs someone at all times.

I believe in honesty with kids, just never making them worry about what is going to happen day-to-day or putting your emotional well being in their hands. That shouldn't be a pre-teen's job.