My mother is very apathetic, so I try to be extremely involved, vocal and interested about everything my kids are into or involved in. I don't want my kids to ever feel like their mother doesn't care or have an opinion about something they're doing.
My mom is much, much better now and we have a decent relationship but growing up it was really tough. She yelled, screamed, hit, and cried constantly and my brother and I were basically grounded for our entire childhood because it was easier to send us to our rooms rather then discipline my sister. As a result my brother and I are very close, but we're also fairly emotionally removed from the rest of the family.
As the oldest, my mom also used me to complain about anything and everything. Any marital issues, issues with other family members, complaints about my siblings, it was all fair game.
I remember in 8th grade my parents were seriously contemplating divorce and I said to my dad that if he left he had to take me with him. He told me that he couldn't because he worked too much to be able to be there enough for the three of us and he couldn't trust my mom alone with my sister and brother so I would have to stay and make sure everyone was okay. He then told my mom that I wanted to go with him and she told me that she no longer considered me her daughter anymore.
My sister is exhibiting a lot of the same emotional issues that my mom had when we were growing up so I worry all the time that I could get that way. I work really, really hard to keep my patience with the girls and H, and I've told H to let me know if I ever start going down that path. I also watch my mom very closely for any signs that her attitude is shifting back to what it was when we were younger because if it does I don't want the girls around that. I think 3 kids was just too much for my mom because once my sister and I were out of the house her whole demeanor changed and she mellowed out a ton. She is a wonderful grandmother and I honestly get a little bitter sometimes seeing her play and laugh with her 3 grandkids when I never remember her playing with any of us like that when we were kids. But I'm glad that she's so good with them and that they have 2 sets of grandparents who love them to death. I just want to do everything I can to make sure that my girls and I have good relationships while they grow up in addition to when they're adults.
This is the main reason I am scared to have a daughter. I know I can also screw up my son, but if I had a girl, I know I could see myself becoming my mother.
ETA: Our biggest thing is that we tell DS everyday, multiple times a day that we love him. And no matter how tired we are after working all day, we smile at him, laugh with him and always ask many quesitons about what he did and learned. My mom was always too tired after working to show me any attention. She usually came home and hung out with one of her boyfriends while I played outside with friends. It does not help that my mother was 17 when she had me. She had no idea what she was doing for the most part. But she really is trying to make it up to me now.
It always helps me not to feel so alone reading posts like this. My mom and I are so different and she is so odd that it feels isolating. I dont usually talk about her, but it hurts having a mom like her. Especially in situations where I really wished I had a normal mother.
Cayl's description of her mom then and now is a bit like my mom. I have a lot of resentment and bitterness about the person she is with her grandkids that she couldnt be with us. I'm trying to get over it though and see the positive.
Post by deanlicker78 on Aug 3, 2012 15:58:14 GMT -5
I try to do the opposite of what my mother would do in just about any given situation. It helps that my sister and I talk with each other and if one of us is exhibiting behaviors similar to my mother, we are all over each other for it.
All of my siblings except my younger brother have cut my parents out of our lives completely. That's helped because I feel like she's not always there feeding her crap into my head anymore.
As sad as it is, hearing that other people go through this with their mothers helps. Sometimes I wonder if it was just something about my family that made my mother act crazy. Then I read things like this and realize that it really wasn't me or my brothers or sister, my mom is just a bad parent.
Well, for starters, I'm not out getting dicked by a new dude every couple months and putting them before my kids. That makes things a little easier all by itself.
I think "what would my mother do?" and do the opposite. I will never allow my children to skip school whenever they feel like it, nor will I allow them to live in a home where things don't work. Like the plumbing. They'll do their homework. They'll clean their rooms. I care about their hygiene and health. I value their happiness as much or more as my own.