IL family drama

[milosh]

So a bit of backstory, I had posted last week about how H's family has a Sunday dinner every week and that H's bro and his wife had a baby and SIL thinks that once a week visits aren't enough. Well this week H went to his parents house and his mom starts laying into him on how she doesn't get to spend Christmas with him, and that the way we divide up the holiday is unfair.

My extended family only has one dinner on Christmas Day. That's it, we see them maybe once during the summer for a BBQ sometimes. H's family does xmas eve dinner, xmas day breakfast and xmas day dinner ALL WITH THE SAME PEOPLE!!!! This on top of once weekly dinners and a few 'extra' events sprinkled here and there. We were planning to go to the Xmas eve and the breakfast and then have dinner with my family. MIL thinks that this isn't fair and that we should alternate each year for Xmas day dinner. That would mean that I don't get to see my family at all. She also says that the breakfast doesn't 'count' as seeing H on Xmas. Lol whatever! So I'm hurt that she brought that up, I feel she's being selfish.

So H's cousin is having an Xmas party this aft. H is unable to attend so it would just be me going by myself. I rsvp'd that I would go, but honestly I'm not feeling it. I'm still hurt by MIL's comments. If H were going I would probably suck it up. WWYD? I'm feeling a bit 'beat up' by his family and I just don't want to spend the afternoon with all of them.

Sorry this is so long, I usually don't have any family drama and I need to get this out somewhere.

[EmilieMadison]

The only reason any of this should matter is if your husband agrees with his mother.
Did he actually agree to spend every Christmas morning with his parents and only every other Christmas evening with yours?
And if you dont want to spend EVERY Sunday dinner with his parents, then dont.

[mskitkat]

One of the most freeing moments I had as an adult was the realization that the only people whose schedules I HAVE to follow are work and my own. Just because other people want you somewhere doesn't mean you need to be there. Don't go to the party. Don't go to the Sunday dinners if you don't want to, and don't go to Christmas dinner with them. His family will eventually get over it.

[milosh]

I forgot to add that H agrees with me and absolutely agrees that they way we set it up is completely fair.

I'm actually feeling guilty about missing these 'events' I know I shouldn't but now thy I type it out I realize that this is 100% guilt.

[curbsideprophet]

She gets to see you on Christmas Day every year? She should be grateful you live close enough to make this happen. I think you and DH need to get on the same page. Does he want to be there for Christmas dinner?

[EmilieMadison]

Dec 20, 2014 13:44:37 GMT -5 milosh said:

I forgot to add that H agrees with me and absolutely agrees that they way we set it up is completely fair.

I'm actually feeling guilty about missing these 'events' I know I shouldn't but now thy I type it out I realize that this is 100% guilt.

Why do you feel guilty? You're not doing anything wrong by wanting to share your time with your family, or for simply wanting to spend YOUR time the way YOU want to spend it. 

[sailorgray]

Don't be hurt. Just be annoyed. You can't please everyone. It's her problem.

[littlesthobo]

If Christmas breakfast doesn't even count, then I wouldn't bother going. She did you a favor! Now your whole day is open!
And lol for days at the thought of me going to his family party by myself. Stay home!

[milosh]

Dec 20, 2014 13:47:43 GMT -5 curbsideprophet said:

She gets to see you on Christmas Day every year? She should be grateful you live close enough to make this happen. I think you and DH need to get on the same page. Does he want to be there for Christmas dinner?

Actually H and are completely on the same page 100%. He thinks she's being ridiculous. And yes, actually H's family my parents and us all live in the same neighbourhood. So we see everyone a pretty good amount!

[milosh]

Dec 20, 2014 13:49:47 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Dec 20, 2014 13:44:37 GMT -5 milosh said:

I forgot to add that H agrees with me and absolutely agrees that they way we set it up is completely fair.

I'm actually feeling guilty about missing these 'events' I know I shouldn't but now thy I type it out I realize that this is 100% guilt.

Why do you feel guilty? You're not doing anything wrong by wanting to share your time with your family, or for simply wanting to spend YOUR time the way YOU want to spend it. 

I think I feel guilty because tey always ask where I was and how come I didn't attend. Also, I was just going to finish up Xmas shopping this afternoon, so it's not like I have anywhere else to be.

[mskitkat]

Dec 20, 2014 13:54:00 GMT -5 milosh said:

Dec 20, 2014 13:49:47 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Why do you feel guilty? You're not doing anything wrong by wanting to share your time with your family, or for simply wanting to spend YOUR time the way YOU want to spend it. 

I think I feel guilty because tey always ask where I was and how come I didn't attend. Also, I was just going to finish up Xmas shopping this afternoon, so it's not like I have anywhere else to be.

They don't need to know. Just tell them you realized you had other plans. And honestly, even if your plans are just to curl up with a glass of wine and Netflix, it's none of their business.

[milosh]

Also H leaves it completely up to me if I want to attend without him or not. He works a lot of strange hours, so this comes up often.

[wrathofkuus]

I wonder if your husband is secretly relieved that because of you, he has a built-in excuse to opt out of at least some of this.

[milosh]

Thanks for making me feel better about this! My mom thinks all of these events are a bit much and says I should skip half of them, but it's nice to get some outside opinions.

[Deleted]

Sigh. Time to start implementing your OWN traditions. Stay home Christmas eve with H, eat and drink stuff you both love and spend the evening wrapping gifts, having sex, watching a video...whatever! Better yet, skip the annual Christmas breakfast and wake up late with your H, drink mimosas or whatever your favorite beverage is, have a delicious breakfast and open each others gifts in quiet solitude.

Gahd.

I'm probably projecting my deep-seeded hatred of obligations during the holidays. Sorry if I went too far.

[game blouses]

It sounds more than fair to me. One thing that's helped me is to realize that everyone looks after their own interests in these situations. It would be nice if your MIL said "You know, you already have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with us. Why don't you go see your family for Christmas dinner?" But she won't, because she's looking after her interests, not yours. The only person who can take care of you in this situation is you. I think you're doing a great job.

You're also way nicer than me because no way would I see my ILs without my DH there.

[picaflora]

She'll get over it - your current arrangement sounds more than fair, as you're with them Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day.

I mentioned last time that my MIL is awful about sharing holidays, and none of DH's other siblings have to share. We do Christmas Eve with my parents, and Christmas morning/lunch with the in-laws. Shit is going to hit the fan next year, when I want to send Christmas morning with my family. My sister week be coming into town and it'll be the first time Mom has had both of us home in 10 years.

[jena]

If she says it's not fair again, tell your mil she's right, it's not fair, you spend a lot more time with their family than you do with yours so to make it fair you'll only visit them 3x a year. She's over her quota for the year so tell her not to expect you for Christmas!

[justkly]

You are a saint. There's no way in HELL that I could spend that much time with my in-laws and I even like them.

[Muddled]

Good thing she doesn't get to control how you spend your time. That would be unfair.

And, yeah, she sucks.

[flamingeaux]

Think of skipping today, as practice for Christmas dinner.

[jenna]

Dec 20, 2014 15:09:13 GMT -5 justkly said:

You are a saint. There's no way in HELL that I could spend that much time with my in-laws and I even like them.

I was just thinking the same thing.

[Deleted]

When h and I were dating and it started to get serious we divided up the holidays thusly: we'd go to my folks for thanksgiving and his for Christmas one year and switch it the next. We spent our son's first Christmas with them(my family) and then let everyone know we would no longer be traveling for Christmas until we were done with the whole Santa thing. (His folks are local, mine are a 6 hour drive away). Once we found out that my family would rather travel than cook, we started hosting thanksgiving. Usually, his folks came too.  Now that MIL is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's, its a little different.  I never understand these families who put such demands on their grown children who have families of their own and I'm sorry for those who have to deal with it. It makes the holidays stressful and contentious and that just makes me sad. 

Edited for clarification. 

[Deleted]

Wow, you are much nicer then me because

1. I would never attend a party for H's family without H and
2. I wouldn't even consider giving them Christmas breakfast. I would do as follows; Christmas Eve dinner with his family, Christmas morning/breakfast just you and H, Christmas Day dinner with your family.

I don't understand the 'it's not fair I don't get to see him on Christmas' thing. It's not like he is a kid and she is missing out on 'Santa' and presents.

[10nille]

I would have DH tell her, yes it has been unfair so from now on you will do every other Sunday dinner, alternate Christmas Eve and Christmas breakfast. I bet she would shut her stupid pie hole if your DH told her of those plans. She's ridiculous and if the Christmas breakfast doesn't count then why bother?

Get over the guilt, she should not have thia power over you. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about how you spend your weekend and holidays. Frankly, with her attitude I'd miss a few dinners. She can eat crow.

[badtzmaru22]

I would never in a million billion years go to an IL party without DH. Never. OMG.

DO NOT feel guilty about making your own plans (and agree with pp/ wine and Netflix = plans).

His family sounds enmeshed and overbearing.

[blackcat]

Dec 20, 2014 17:39:18 GMT -5 @kjewell said:

Wow, you are much nicer then me because

1. I would never attend a party for H's family without H and
2. I wouldn't even consider giving them Christmas breakfast. I would do as follows; Christmas Eve dinner with his family, Christmas morning/breakfast just you and H, Christmas Day dinner with your family.

I don't understand the 'it's not fair I don't get to see him on Christmas' thing. It's not like he is a kid and she is missing out on 'Santa' and presents.

This. That arrangement is MORE than fair. If IL's have a problem with that, they can STFU and get over it.

Before DH and I cut off his family, Christmas with them used to entail Christmas Eve, Christmas lunch, and then Christmas dinner. It was EXHAUSTING. Too much!

[milosh]

Just to update, apparently Sunday dinner this week has been cancelled! MIL is all sour grapes over the whole thing. H is being really awesome about it, saying we don't have to go to Sunday dinner every week. (Not like he forced us to before, we just always just.....went). I also told him that I wouldn't be attending his family functions without him, and he said he understood and that he's totally on my side. Yay for an awesome and supportive H!

[fallriverjenn]

'll

[moolarkey]

Before I met H's parents he tried to tell me they were nuts. I didn't believe him. I met them, thought they were nice and he was wrong. Over time I learned he was right. They were nuts.

Yet he'd say - we should go visit my parents and I'd complain and whine and we wouldn't go. Then one day I decided, all on my own, I needed to grow up. It wouldn't kill me to spend a couple hours with them every few months. Sooo when H would ask I'd say yes, when do you want to go and that was the end of it. This happened a couple times over probably about a year and then stopped all together when he realized I was going to keep saying yes and putting it on him to schedule it.

As long as I said no he could tell his parents I didn't want to come- which was true. Once I started saying yes and he realized I was going to keep saying yes he quit asking. He didn't want to spend time with them either.