I dread this

[flex]

Whatever you do, DO NOT try to do this alone. I highly suggest you talk to your FIL before you do anything along those lines.

[Sloane]

As in I shouldn't confront DH about his drinking without someone else there? Or not do an intervention on my own?

[btay]

I think reaching out to FIL is a great idea. Definitely do not try and do this alone, and if you are going talk to him do it early when he hasn't had time to get drunk yet

[flex]

I think it's fine to tell your H his drinking is unacceptable, but do not try to do an actual intervention on your own. An intervention needs to be conducted by a professional.

And for the record, I'm not a fan of interventions. I think it does more harm than good.

[krisandgrace]

First off, I'm sorry you are going through this. To add to what others have said it sounds like if you were to confront your husband he might become violent so you need to not be alone.

Rally people around you who will have your back and support you and decide what you need to do to take care of you and your kids. Talk to the counselor you have been seeing as well to get advise.

Unfortunately alcoholics are rarely turned around and set on the right path to recovery just by someone saying they need to stop drinking, you may need to think about asking him to leave for a time for a time. Also if you can get to an al-anon meeting where you can have the support and experience of other people who have gone through what you are experiencing.

[arch01]

I am also not a fan of interventions-but I'm also relatively new to this (DH will be sober for 90 days on the 30th). DH has expressed on more than one occasion that through what he's learned and how he reacts-that an intervention wouldn't have worked for him. He had to realize that he had a problem that he couldn't control on his own.

Also, I'd try an Al-Anon meeting or seeing a therapist. Check your/DH's employer for an EAP program-they often offer several sessions at no cost (ours does 6).

I also agree about talking to FIL. You may gain some good insight from him.

[flex]

Also, your FIL may be able to talk to your H. Nothing works as well as a recovering alkie to talk to a practicing alkie. Only an alkie can relate to another alkie.

[flex]

Yes, Sloane...how are you doing?

[flex]

Dec 27, 2014 9:56:38 GMT -5 Sloane said:

Thanks for asking, you guys. I'm okay? It's been a busy couple of days with family in town and the usual Christmas stuff so I haven't been as focused on his drinking or any thoughts as to a plan. I do want to talk to him, one on one without feeling like a judgement or anything when he's sober and see how that goes and involve FIL later. FIL no longer drinks but has never addressed any issues as to why he was drinking in the first place so I know if he comes blazing in with DH needing to get help, it will make DH somewhat defensive as FIL never sought it himself. I think I for my own sanity, I will put a limit on how long I can wait for him to decide not to drink anymore and then make some decisions for me and the kids. My parents are home in early January from a long trip and I hope they can babysit so I can attend at least one al-anon meeting, although if I'm being honest, I'm not totally sold on the program and resentful that I'll be seeking help while he won't be, if that makes any sense? I don't mean to insult anyone here but it's how I feel at this moment about it.

I can understand why you view your H as the only one with a problem and the only one who needs help, but that is incorrect. Alcoholics severely affect the people around them. Friends and family also need help dealing with the alcoholic.

I get the sense from your posts that you feel you can handle this all on your own. You cannot. No matter how much you love your H and your kids, this is something out of your control. You need people who have been there to confide in--they may have suggestions that can help you. Believe me: they WANT to help you. Also, just talking about it to someone who understands does not necessarily solve the entire problem, but you sure will feel better sharing the burden with someone else.

[SwimDeep]

sloan - I just want to chime in and say flex is exactly right. I'm still dragging my feet on getting into the program myself. I still struggle with wanting to believe I can handle everything on my own, but when I'm completely honest with myself I have to admit that my H's drinking has had overwhelming effects on me. The difficulty I'm having is opening up about it.

[malibu]

flex is so right (as always). You cannot do this on your own. I can promise you that. If your FIL is willing to help, absolutely involve him. I say this as someone who lived with this "secret" for nine long years. Both you and your H will need all the help and support you can get. He will need medical help to overcome this addiction. 24 beers every other day is...a lot. The chances of him being able to stop that on his own are very, very slim.

Are you and your kids safe? You mentioned his anger being a problem. If you do not feel safe, do you have some place to go if necessary?

[lexxasaurus]

Dec 26, 2014 10:31:46 GMT -5 flex said:

Also, your FIL may be able to talk to your H. Nothing works as well as a recovering alkie to talk to a practicing alkie. Only an alkie can relate to another alkie.

I second this. My dad is a recovering alcoholic (sober for 25 years!) And it helped me a lot to talk to him around the time I decided to get sober. Having someone who can understand might help get it through to him that this isn't okay, and it isn't normal. Set boundaries and take care of yourself and know that you are never alone. Meetings, family, friends, there is support out there for you if you need it.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Dec 26, 2014 9:22:58 GMT -5 arch01 said:

I am also not a fan of interventions-but I'm also relatively new to this (DH will be sober for 90 days on the 30th). DH has expressed on more than one occasion that through what he's learned and how he reacts-that an intervention wouldn't have worked for him. He had to realize that he had a problem that he couldn't control on his own.

Also, I'd try an Al-Anon meeting or seeing a therapist. Check your/DH's employer for an EAP program-they often offer several sessions at no cost (ours does 6).

I also agree about talking to FIL. You may gain some good insight from him.

I'm the stbxw of a substance abuser and an intervention would NOT have worked for him either. he has to WANT to be substance free and WANT to stay that way regardless of what life hurls at him. at this point, he wants neither.

[katietornado]

I'm happy to read your update and hope things go as well as possible.

I went through the hiding alcohol thing and smashed by 8:30 thing about 6 years ago with my H. It's so difficult on so many levels.

Hugs to you and your kids. Keep us posted.

[flex]

How did the meeting with the counselor go?