I melted down at therapy on Friday.

[malibu]

I had an appointment during lunch. I was already having a shithole day at work. I melted down in the therapist's office. Only part of it had to do with H and him still not having a job, still, seven months later.

Most of it had to do with me. I have gained 60 pounds since about last March or April. SIXTY POUNDS. I haven't done laundry long enough that I'm reduced to some of my older clothes. They don't fit. These are clothes that I already thought looked like bags on me, and now they're too fucking small. Apparently I've been eating my feelings, like, a lot. I weigh as much as I did the day before DD was born, and that's after I put on 50 pounds of fluid the final two weeks of pregnancy.

I despise dieting. I can call it a "healthy lifestyle choice" all I want, but in the back of my head, I know I'm dieting. I have to eat food I don't really like all that much. I'm fairly picky (I don't like seafood, I have a hard time finding vegetables I like that aren't covered in cheese). I get tired of chicken every night; don't like steak or eat much beef in general. I have to weigh my food and track it so I know how much I can or can't eat if I want to stay under a calorie goal. I'm back on My Fitness Pal after a year's hiatus. I hate dieting, but it needs to be done. I'm disgusted with my body, horrified I can't fit into clothes that were once far too big. I've never found an exercise I particularly like, so trying to get into that is really hard for me. Plus, being so far overweight now makes any bit of exercise so difficult. My knees hurt, I get winded taking stairs, etc.

I need to set a better example for DD. I don't want her growing up having the same food issues I have. Hating her body like I do, and have since I was 12. Being teased for being the chunky kid like I was. I didn't (and still don't) really have a 'full' trigger in my head. I can eat quite a bit in one sitting. I have terrible self-esteem and can quite easily beat myself up, much worse than the bullies ever did in junior high. I say things to myself that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy, if I had one.

I guess my biggest issue is motivation. I've done really well for the last four days. I'm trying to find deals, coupons, etc. for healthy food - hard to do when you're on a budget of around $110 a month for three people. Aldi is my new best friend. I guess I'm just really down about things. I had control over my weight, and I let that go with everything that's happened in the last year. I can't even pinpoint why I always quit after about six months of making progress; I suppose because I get tired of boring food, tired of going to the gym, just tired of the whole routine in general. I start sneaking things - I can have this Big Mac, one won't kill me. One turns into two, and after that, it's free-for-all (not in one sitting, I should clarify that once I break down and eat one, I won't hesitate to stop another day), my healthy eating goes right out the window. One of my character flaws is being impatient. I know in my head that weight loss takes a long time. I'll put up with a few months of slow loss, after that I get impatient, get annoyed when the scale stays the same and don't notice any changes in how clothes fit, etc. I get discouraged easily and give up easily.

So. Anyway. Long word vomit. Therapist listened, and we worked out how I can achieve weight loss taking things one step at a time. Suggested sites she knew of that scan for sales/coupons in the area to base my meals on and shop the sales. Start out going to the gym on the weekends until I'm up to going more (I do still have my gym membership - it's $9 a month, wasn't worth it to quit yet, but it was on the list to cut when things start to really get bad, money-wise). Baby steps. I'm glad I'll be seeing her every two weeks while I work through this. I tend to do this alone - no workout buddy, no one I really talk to about it other than H (who is quite supportive, I might add, he's a great cheerleader when I go through my phases of wanting to lose weight). I'm glad I'll be seeing her and will be talking to her. She'll be able to help me work through my hurdles, knowing I give up easily.

So anyways, if you read all this, you get a medal. I've re-read it a few times and it only barely sounds coherent.

TL;DR: I got super fat over the last year. Have to start dieting/exercising because my clothes are all getting too small. Don't really like dieting/exercising, have a hard time getting motivated when I don't look forward to doing either. Therapist will be helping me get over my weight loss hurdles. Feel a little better.

[flex]

Part of your weight gain may be due to the stress over your H. www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=53304

How old are you approximately? As we age our metabolism slows down. You say you hate to "diet". Then don't think of it as a diet, but as cutting back on how much and how often you eat. You don't necessarily completely deprive yourself. MFP is an EXCELLENT way to track your food intake. I find I lose weight when I'm committed to accurately tracking everything I eat. We have this tendency to underestimate how much we're actually eating.

I'm glad you shared this with your therapist. It's amazing to me that just TALKING about something helps to relieve the burden.

Because you eat over your feelings, I would like to suggest you look into Overeaters Anonymous. I'll bet they have online meetings.

[pinkdutchtulips]

2nd vote for stress weight gain ....

I gained 30# when xh and I split and dd has packed on 20# since the split. we're in the process of getting more active but that's hard to do when you get home at its dark outside ! I've been eating healthier AND working out (why hello there again rowing !)and the weight is starting to come off. dd on the other hand - SUPER picky eater w/ a ginormous sweet tooth that I'm in the process of trying to curb !

[malibu]

flex I'm 34, will be 35 this year (gulp. Yikes, that number's getting up there). My metabolism took a dive probably 5 years ago. Stress isn't helping, I know that. I'll look into OA. I know I've had a problem with food for a long time. I really need to overcome my need to chow down when I'm stressed.

pinkdutchtulips I know what you mean about it being harder to get active when it's dark outside. It's not only dark out at 5 p.m. here, it's also been a high of 0 or in the negatives here. Not exactly great weather to go out and get active!

[flex]

Yeah it was around 35 when I noticed the slow down, AND that I was less tolerant of salty foods. Started getting heartburn where before I never did.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jan 12, 2015 14:33:11 GMT -5 malibu said:

pinkdutchtulips I know what you mean about it being harder to get active when it's dark outside. It's not only dark out at 5 p.m. here, it's also been a high of 0 or in the negatives here. Not exactly great weather to go out and get active!

my godsend is my rowing machine ... i can row in the EARLY morning before dd wakes up. her activity level - i wish i got home at (and had the funds) to get her into soccer or something to keep her more active. most kiddie sports teams have practices long before we even get home from work/daycare.

[Deleted]

Hugs malibu. I struggle with emotional eating too. Once I gave up the booze, now the sweets taste SO GOOD! One of my AA friends jokes "you know, if you eat enough broccoli, it tastes just like chocolate!" Apparently I haven't eaten enough broccoli.

Seriously, glad you have a plan. And your therapist will help you. And you know you have a whole lot of us cheering for you on GBCN.