repost- I think my life is falling apart

[lovelovelove]

Deleted. Thank you! I'll update soon.

[btay]

I posted over on ML too, but I just want to give you hugs here as well. You will make it through this one way or another, just trust in that

[lovelovelove]

Thanks so much. I feel so lost right now. I'm going to sleep on it, try to see my therapist tomorrow, and find an al-anon meeting.

[malibu]

I'm glad you popped over. I hope flex pops in, if she reads your OP on ML, she'll probably get the gist of your OP.

Addiction is such a mindfuck. Seriously. My H has been an alcoholic our entire marriage (9 years this year). I didn't realize the severity of his problem until after we were married. My parents don't drink - both grew up in abusive households in which one or both parents were alcoholics - so I didn't really know what it was to be an alcoholic. It wasn't until I'd notice how much of a bottle was gone when I'd get home from work that I started thinking "WTF, that seems like a lot." I would start to silently watch each day - I would check amounts before I left for work, and then check again when I got home or before bed. I saw how much was depleting each day. I realized there was definitely a problem.

It wasn't until his DUI in 2008 that it really hit me how bad it was (it was his 2nd in 10 years, he got the first one prior to us dating). It took until he basically had a nervous breakdown and was suicidal (severe untreated depression) in June 2014 when he quit his job (so he says - there's been a lot of lying over the years, and I'm still suspicious he was fired for drinking on the job, I knew he was doing it, even his family knew he was doing it) for him to go to treatment. Unfortunately, the 30 days he spent in inpatient treatment didn't work for him, he was drinking again within a month of coming home. I'm still with him; I can't honestly say why, other than hope that he'll get better. The last month or so has been better. I've basically had to take away all monetary access he had - credit cards, I watch our bank account like a hawk, he isn't allowed to have cash - like he's 15 years old, but the drinking has either stopped or significantly slowed, likely due to the fact he can't get any more. This is my life right now. I'm the sole supporter, I've spent seven months resentful and angry at him for the choices he's made that have affected not just him, but me and our four year old daughter immensely.

Having typed this all out, I'm painting a picture of what it may be like if your H doesn't get help and commit to overcoming his addiction. If he claims he doesn't have a problem, he's completely in denial. Not being able to hold back from drinking at work is a massive indicator he's got a problem. Do you find bottles hiding around the house? Another red flag. Looking back, there are days I wish I'd packed it in and said forget it, I'm done. There are other days that things are good; we get along, we laugh. I began seeing an individual counselor around September or October after my anti-anxiety meds were upped to a dose that my doctor doesn't normally prescribe. It has definitely helped me get clarity and talk through my thoughts. I highly suggest getting in to see a therapist as soon as possible, if you like yours, great, otherwise, shop around for someone specializing in addiction counseling. It's so helpful to talk to a neutral party about your anger and frustration - which are completely valid. As was already suggested (and believe it or not, I haven't actually made the time to go yet), Al-Anon would be highly recommended. I believe you mentioned kids; if you go to www.alanon.org (I think - check the links in the sticky post on this board), you can find meetings that offer child care, especially if you don't feel comfortable leaving your kids with your H. And that's ok, too. I didn't feel comfortable for a long time leaving my DD with H after he'd admitted in June to drinking and driving with her in the car.

Some key points:
It's OK if this is a dealbreaker for you. He's upset your family life pretty significantly with his choices, it is completely ok if you decide you don't want to deal with this.

It's OK if you DO want to see him through getting help, if he agrees to it. I have a lot of people in my life who I know think WTF are you doing staying with him? I have to keep reminding myself that it's OK to stay if I choose.

As far as bills go, if he does end up losing his job, contact creditors/mortgage companies/etc. You'd be surprised how many are ready and willing to work with you when a situation like this comes up. I've found they'd rather accept a smaller payment than no payment at all; some can be deferred, like student loans. The money thing has by far been the scariest part of all this.

If he's getting busted at work, he very likely has a significant addiction in which trying to 'cut down' or quit on his own will quite possibly and very likely result in failure and returning to his addiction. I honestly, in this situation, would push for inpatient treatment, or at the very least, intensive outpatient treatment. His job, if he keeps it, may require it as well. I'm not a HUGE fan of ultimatums, but this may be a time where one is required from you.

While you sort out your feelings on everything, take time for yourself. Make sure your needs are met, your kids' needs are met, but make sure you take steps to get yourself feeling at least OK. This is a huge blow, and it will take time to really feel like you know what direction you want to go.

If you have a support system, use it. This is huge. I spent eight years hiding his problem. His family, until it was so bad he was showing up to family events drunk starting around the end of 2013, didn't know the extent of his problems until last year. They are now a big ally in dealing with his behavior. If you don't have a support system around you, prioritize going to Al-Anon, and begin building a support system there.

Come and check in here as often as you want or need! Everyone here is ready to offer advice if needed, hugs, or a place to vent, cry, or talk through things anytime.

[lovelovelove]

Update :
I feel sick today. I can't look my H in the eye. I have a therapy appointment for tomorrow morning. I found an al-anon with babysitter for Saturday am. H says he's going to AA tomorrow and he talked to a substance abuse counselor on the phone this am. I've been keeping a close friend up to date and I told h's sister what was going on.

I'm not sure what I want- I'm hoping my therapist can help me sort that out.

Thanks for letting me get this out here.

[lovelovelove]

malibu (not sure if I'm tagging correctly )

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all this. It sounds like we have very similar situations.

I appreciate all of the info. I think I'm taking good steps but I truly don't know what I want anymore. It's been about survival for so long.

He hides his drinking, I find stuff around theach house. I feel so badly that he's hurting so much to feel this is the answer but I'm also like wtf are you doing to our life?

Let me know if I can answer any questions about the situation. Thank you so much again!

[flex]

Good morning! I completely missed the OP on ML and since it's deleted, please let me know if you have any questions. I'd like to help in any way I can.

[lovelovelove]

A summary is my husband has an alcohol abuse issue that I thought was under control, but he got caught at work with beer.not fired but I'm thinking he's on super thin ice.

[malibu]

lovelovelove I understand. We (spouses, family, friends) totally go into survival mode when it's gotten bad. I swear we don't even know we're doing it until the big crash (job loss, separation, etc) happens. I completely understand.

Boy, you and I sure have similar stories. I'm glad he's making an effort, but remember. It is OK to be done, if you decide that in the end. It's hard to understand addiction if you don't have it yourself. I learned at the family program at the rehab facility my H went to that addiction becomes #1 in survival for an addict - it goes as deep as the oldest part of the brain that's responsible for basic needs, food, water, sex, fight or flight response. Addicts begin to lie, connive, do anything it takes (put their families, jobs, etc. at risk) to keep hold of their addiction. It makes it impossible to rationalize with an addict, you're not talking to them, you're talking to their addiction. So we as outsiders wonder what in the ever loving hell are they thinking; why are they doing this to themselves/us/our family; why are they risking their job...and it boils down to their basic need of their drug - in this case alcohol for both our Hs - to survive. It doesn't excuse what they've done, but it helps get that nagging question out of your head to know a little bit of "why".

I'm so sorry you're in this position. It sucks, no doubt about it. Remember to take care of yourself. I'm so glad you're already lined up for an Al Anon meeting. Great first steps in putting yourself first!

[flex]

Keep in mind addicts who are active in their addiction make absolutely NO sense to the "normie".  And not only does the normie wonder, but deep deep inside the addict wonders too.  They simply cannot fathom why they do what they do. malibu covered it very well in the post above.  I have no doubt your H is even more scared than you are.  Even though outwardly he may not seem that way.  He's like a little boy whistling in the dark.

Under the American Disabilities Act, it's POSSIBLE (not for sure) that in order to keep his job he may be asked to go into treatment. Addiction is covered under ADA as long as the individual agrees to go through some type of treatment program. I hope your H is truly ready to accept help.

[Deleted]

Jan 14, 2015 11:54:50 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

A summary is my husband has an alcohol abuse issue that I thought was under control, but he got caught at work with beer.not fired but I'm thinking he's on super thin ice.

Sorry I missed your OP.  I've been a member of AA for seven and a half years.  PM me if you have questions.  I sense you don't want things posted publicly?  ((hugs))

ETA:  malibu nailed it!!  Excellent thoughts and advice.  

[lovelovelove]

Jan 14, 2015 12:47:50 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Jan 14, 2015 11:54:50 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

A summary is my husband has an alcohol abuse issue that I thought was under control, but he got caught at work with beer.not fired but I'm thinking he's on super thin ice.

Sorry I missed your OP.  I've been a member of AA for seven and a half years.  PM me if you have questions.  I sense you don't want things posted publicly?  (hugs))

ETA:  malibu nailed it!!  Excellent thoughts and advice.  

No worries about posting most stuff. My op had a little too much personal info about the job situation and finances that's all. Thank you so much for your offer to help.

My worry about him going to AA is that he might not be ready to be completely open and honest, even if he thinks he is. Does that make sense? I definitely want him to go and Im hopeful it will be extremely helpful, just wondering how ready he is to really get into it.

[lovelovelove]

malibu the part about it being survival for him really hits me. Thats the part that's making me feel bad for being angry and thinking of leaving and why I'm so torn. I'm just so exhausted from juggling our lives while he does this.

Thank you flex so good to have that side of it.

[Deleted]

Jan 14, 2015 12:54:44 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

Jan 14, 2015 12:47:50 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Sorry I missed your OP.  I've been a member of AA for seven and a half years.  PM me if you have questions.  I sense you don't want things posted publicly?  (hugs))

ETA:  malibu nailed it!!  Excellent thoughts and advice.  

No worries about posting most stuff. My op had a little too much personal info about the job situation and finances that's all. Thank you so much for your offer to help.

My worry about him going to AA is that he might not be ready to be completely open and honest, even if he thinks he is. Does that make sense? I definitely want him to go and Im hopeful it will be extremely helpful, just wondering how ready he is to really get into it.

I walked into my first AA meeting and must have heard something there that clicked.  Went home that night and decided that it would be a total waste of "good" Yellow Tail wine to dump it down the sink.  So I gave myself permission to drink the rest of the wine before I would quit forever.  While chugging that bottle at the kitchen sink, I realized this -- Those AA's were right!  There was nothing humanly possible that could separate me from my alcoholism.  The next day was my first day of sobriety.  

What I'm saying lovelovelove is that your DH may hear something at AA that ruins his drinking.  Or at least causes him to think about the reality of being an alcoholic.  

[malibu]

Jan 14, 2015 12:58:26 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

malibu the part about it being survival for him really hits me. Thats the part that's making me feel bad for being angry and thinking of leaving and why I'm so torn. I'm just so exhausted from juggling our lives while he does this.

Thank you flex so good to have that side of it.

Yes, the survival mode that we as the family go into is incredible. You don't even realize it until the shit hits the fan, so to speak.

Take the time you need to decide if you need to leave or you want to stay. This most recent news is very fresh, don't let anyone talk you into doing one thing or the other. It's totally up to YOU what you choose to do. That may take some time, and it's perfectly OK and reasonable to spend time thinking about what's best for you and your kids.

[lovelovelove]

@courtneyloves thanks so much for sharing that! I'm really happy to hear you're sober

[lovelovelove]

Thank you again everyone. It's so helpful.

One more question: I have my own therapy appointment tomorrow morning with my regular therapist and I trust her completely. I've written down a time line of the past few days events, the scattered thoughts I keep having, etc. Is there anything else I should do to prepare or make sure to address in the appointment?

[btay]

Jan 14, 2015 20:26:12 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

Thank you again everyone. It's so helpful.

One more question: I have my own therapy appointment tomorrow morning with my regular therapist and I trust her completely. I've written down a time line of the past few days events, the scattered thoughts I keep having, etc. Is there anything else I should do to prepare or make sure to address in the appointment?

 I think you are well ahead of where I was already when I went to therapy, and the therapist did a great job of asking the right questions to really get everything out there. 

[malibu]

I think you're well prepared. I have a feeling once you start talking about what happened, the therapist may direct a lot of the conversation.