updates

[lovelovelove]

Thank you all again so, so much.

I'll start with that I caught H in a lie about the drinking again yesterday. He had purchased a ton after he dropped our daughter at school on Tuesday and had not mentioned it at all even as shit was hitting the fan on Tuesday afternoon and I specifically stated I needed to know what he was lying about. When I caught him he made a big deal about dumping his stash out in front of me. He said it felt good to do that.

I had therapy this morning. Most of the appointment had to be me filling her in on events so we didn't get to discuss much else. She told me I should call his counselor and give my side so that she has the full picture of what's going on. She asked me if I needed a break and time away. I have no idea. I don't want to leave my house. H has no where really to go and we can't really afford for him to stay in a hotel very long if at all. I'm worried things with him will get worse instead of better if I'm not around, but I do want a break.

He's supposed to go to his first AA tonight.

I guess I should sit down with him and talk through our options and what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I know there are other things he's lied about and I'm not sure if it's worth it to try to make him admit it.

He's acting totally normal, not sure if he's trying to make things seem as normal as possible or if he's trying lure me in to thinking things are ok. There's a part of me that's ready to be there, just set all the negative aside and go back to our regular life with him taking steps to help himself and us. But every time I catch myself almost getting there, the lies and how hurtful he's been pull me away.

We're supposed to go away for a night in a few weeks with another couple. I'm torn between it will be good for us as a couple to be away from home and our girl, and asking my girlfriend if we can make it a girls trip so I can have some time away from everything. My mom is already lined up to watch dd either way.

Sorry so long!

[flex]

Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting for yourself? I think it would be helpful. You need to focus on you.

It's up to him if he wants to go to AA meetings or if he wants to work on your relationship. I hope he follows through with what he says he's going to do, but don't be surprised if he bails on that too. It's typical behavior of a practicing alcoholic to make promises and not follow through.

I'm getting a sense that you're putting the entire burden on "you", but he has to play a part in all this. He has to want to fix things. Try not to future trip, but concentrate on you and your needs, and take it one day at a time.

[lovelovelove]

Thanks, flex, yes I'm planning to attend an al-anon this weekend. I'm looking forward to what that's like.

I hadn't thought about it being on him to fix our relationship but that makes total sense. He's said that he understands why I don't trust him, etc, but leaves it at that. I think he's sort of hoping I'll just go along with things and as long as he looks like he's making an effort things are "fixed ".

I don't think it's occurred to him his responsibility in this besides telling me he'll go to AA or calling a counselor.

Do you think I should tell him this stuff? Sorry I'm so needy right now, I can barely think straight.

[flex]

Don't worry about sounding needy. This is a difficult time for you and the direction you're going with your H is changing, so naturally this is scary and confusing for you.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't waste time with telling your H what he needs to do or getting him to admit to his lies or any of that. I think it's fine to tell him how you feel about his shenanigans, but I encourage you to just work on you--clean up your side of the street only. To point out his character defects will only make you sound like a nag or being judgmental--this will fall on deaf ears.

He has his own "stuff" to deal with, which hopefully will come about from attending AA meetings AND getting a sponsor; you have YOUR "stuff" to deal with, which can come about with the help of therapy AND going to Al-Anon meetings. Make sense? : )

[lovelovelove]

@evelynrichards flex

All of this is so helpful! I really hadn't even considered this side of things at all. Thank you so much.

I'm going to share some of this with his sister as well for when she's here this weekend.

[flex]

You may want to read this chapter in the "Big Book" of AA titled "To the Wives". Keep in mind this was written in 1939, so some of it may be a bit antiquated, but it holds a lot of truths.

www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf


ETA:  And this was written before treatment centers existed, so back in those days it was off to the hospital or the nuthouse the practicing alcoholic went.

[Deleted]

I'm glad you are here and don't worry about asking "too many questions". We are here to help. Most of us have gone through this one way or another. The ladies above have offered great suggestions.

You know at Al-Anon, you'll meet others going through such similar experiences. I hope you like the meeting. Always helps to feel like you're not the only one!

((Hugs))

[btay]

Like everyone else said, just try and keep the focus on you. Don't worry about his AA meetings and his counselor appts, instead focus on getting to meetings yourself, reading (I would suggest investing in an Al Anon approved daily reader), and just making life as peaceful as possible for you and your child while he hopefully focuses on sorting out his issues.

[lovelovelove]

Jan 16, 2015 10:06:34 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

lovelovelove How are you doing? Did your DH go to a meeting?

Thanks so much for checking in on me.

I'm ok. Trying not to jump one way or the other until I get to al-anon tomorrow morning. Still so tired. Trying to not get too involved in what H has going on.

He went to the meeting and said it hit him hard. He had a lot to say about it. Told me he was so sorry. And wanted to sleep on the couch so he could be alone with his thoughts. He plans to go again at least next week if not,over the weekend.

I'm still lost, but really trying to focus on one day at a time, hour by hour, for me and dd. It's hard. It's hard to be around other people right now but I want to keep dd's schedule as normal as possible.

I read the section of the AA book flex posted and it gave me a lot to think about. I was even taking notes. It's going to be hard to apply that stuff in real life but I'm so glad I have it as a reference.

[flex]

I'm glad he had a positive experience with the meeting. However, as someone in AA, my advice to "newcomers" is they hit 90 meetings in 90 days to get the feel of things. I hope he feels motivated to attend a meeting this weekend rather than wait until next week. But like I've been saying all along, he is the one who has decide to take that step.

Let us know how your Al-Anon meeting goes tomorrow! : )

[lovelovelove]

flex should I mention the 90 in 90 thing or leave it up to him how many he goes to?

[flex]

Oh no...you do not need to mention that to him. That information was for you so you have AA "insider" information. lol : )

Like I keep saying, it's on him...not you.

[lovelovelove]

Jan 16, 2015 12:05:48 GMT -5 flex said:

Oh no...you do not need to mention that to him. That information was for you so you have AA "insider" information. lol : )

Like I keep saying, it's on him...not you.

Thank you!!!! Still trying to let go I guess. I appreciate the inside info

[Deleted]

His sponsor may suggest that to him. He needs to find a sponsor as soon as possible. But he'll learn that by attending a few good meetings.
Glad to read your updates.

[flex]

The way I see it if a person wants to get sober, they need to put just as much effort in regularly attending meetings, finding a sponsor, etc. as they did trying to find alcohol/drugs or lying about it or hiding it or any other shenanigans.

[krisandgrace]

I hope you find the al anon meeting helpful. If you don't feel comfortable or you just don't click try another one. Sometimes it takes a bit to find a group you are comfortable with.

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2015 22:19:55 GMT -5 krisandgrace said:

I hope you find the al anon meeting helpful. If you don't feel comfortable or you just don't click try another one. Sometimes it takes a bit to find a group you are comfortable with.

Excellent point, krisandgrace.  You DH should know that AA is this way, too.  Some meetings are better than others.  It took some looking for me to find the right fit here in my new town.  Now I have a good circuit of meetings I can attend.  lovelovelove, you could tell your DH you heard that "somewhere".  

[lovelovelove]

krisandgrace @courtneyloves

Thank you for that information as well. I'm the type that would feel obligated to stay at one meeting, so it's good to hear it's ok to move around. And I'll definitely let H know this also.

Everyone here has been so wonderful and giving with stories, tips, etc. I can't thank you all enough. I've been rereading the threads and taking notes on the things I need reminders on.

I'll update again after al-anon tomorrow.

[Deleted]

Getting sober was one of the greatest gifts of my life. The way I live is so much better there is hardly a word to describe it. Those of us in AA and Al-Anon really like seeing others get the gift of sober living.

The highlight of going to AA for me is meeting new people who are struggling and showing them there is hope! I'm really glad you found us in this little corner of GBCN.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jan 16, 2015 21:20:21 GMT -5 flex said:

The way I see it if a person wants to get sober, they need to put just as much effort in regularly attending meetings, finding a sponsor, etc. as they did trying to find alcohol/drugs or lying about it or hiding it or any other shenanigans.

this x 1000

xh got out of rehab and his brother graciously allowed him to live with his family. in that 30 days he never once attended any meetings ... he did alot of talking about what he wanted to do but zero action. when his brother kicked him out and i let him stay w me to get his bearings together while he figured out what he wanted to do (more like try and convince me to let him back for good as if NOTHING had happened - yeah not gonna happen) he attended maybe 3 meetings and relapsed when he told me that NEEDED me for his recovery to stick and my response of "NO ! this is your responsibility and you need to take ownership of it, DO NOT make it my responsibility" wasn't what he wanted to hear.  when he relapsed, he tried to hide it but it didn't work - i caught on almost instantly - but he kept trying and trying to convince me otherwise.

[lovelovelove]

pinkdutchtulips

Thank you so much for sharing that. It really hit me to think about how this process needs to go. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough yet. I feel like I need to be 100% on my game in monitoring my actions. This is going to be so tough.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jan 17, 2015 8:24:14 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

pinkdutchtulips

Thank you so much for sharing that. It really hit me to think about how this process needs to go. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough yet. I feel like I need to be 100% on my game in monitoring my actions. This is going to be so tough.

This is then al-anon comes in. I had been attending meeting for 9 months when he tried to pull that stuff w me. Al-anon gave me the tools (and confidence!) to calmly and forcefully tell him NO! this is not my responsibility.

[arch01]

Jan 17, 2015 8:24:14 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

pinkdutchtulips

Thank you so much for sharing that. It really hit me to think about how this process needs to go. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough yet. I feel like I need to be 100% on my game in monitoring my actions. This is going to be so tough.

It's hard, but it gets easier. Trust takes time to rebuild, confidence in new things takes time to build, and realizing that you can't control him is a tough hurdle sometimes. 

DH has been home for 2 months now and we're slowly finding our new normal. DH has been incredibly open on some days about how he's feeling, but other days he absolutely doesn't want to talk about it. 

The other ladies are right about Al-Anon-try it, if you don't feel right at one meeting, try another. I haven't found one that has "fit", but I've found other avenues to get guidance/support. 

[lovelovelove]

More updates :

I went to al-anon yesterday. It was good, but I should have gone to the meeting earlier for newcomers. I realized too late that that was an option. I'll go back next week to the newcomers meeting. The group was really welcoming and kind. I got 2 people's phone numbers. I think I wasn't ready to be open and that might take some time.

H and I have agreed that we are on a "break " (lol friends ref) so we can figure things out on our own. We'll stay in the house together but live our lives pretty separately for awhile.

I'm going to try a few things to get me to open up and take care of myself. Church, yoga, etc.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

[flex]

I'm so glad you went! And don't worry about the opening up part. It's totally up to you.