is my kid just bad...or am I a bad mother

[karenj]

I have written here before about my youngest dd.  She is 12 soon to be 13.  She has always been strong willed and a handful.  In 5th grade she started having alot of trouble in school.  Alot of misbehavior, most directed at one teacher.  She is socially awkard and has real trouble making and keeping friends.  6th grade was even worse.  Wouldn't complete assignments, disobeying the teacher, grades taking a nose dive.  We have moved her from a private school to a public school and she said that she loves this school.  But we are right back where we started.  She is seeing a therapist every other week and she is on 50mg of zoloft for anxiety and 5mg of melatonin at night to help her sleep. 

In December she told a teacher that she wished she would die.  She hadn't made a plan.  We worked closely with her therapist and it came out that she was just mad.  Well yesterday she did the same thing again.  Only this time she told them she had a plan.  Her school counselor thinks that she is just using it as manipulation to get out of class.  I have a call in to see a psychiatrist at her doctor's suggestion.  It is a 6 week wait. 

Today she was in detention to finish up some school work she hadn't completed and dissappeared.  she never left the building but the counsleor said that it took quite some time to find her and involved 3 people.  So she is keeping her after school. 

When you ask her what is going on she says she doesn't know why she does this stuff.  Says she will behave and than pulls more stunts like this.  Although this week has been the worst so far.  I don't think that she would actually hurt herself, but isn't that what people always say.  Her therapist is not really helping I don't feel.  A doesn't like to go and is very rude and the therapist never really has anything to tell me. 

Not sure what I am looking for here.  I feel so out of my depth here. Not sure if this is just here being a shit or if there is a deeper problem here that I am not seeing.  I have felt that she had ODD and she had an evaluation and that was listed a  DX but her doctor doesn't want to treat that until she has seen a psychiatrist.

[auntie]

Jan 15, 2015 14:36:50 GMT -5 karenj said:

You're not a bad mom. And I'm sure your DD isn't a bad kid. Troubled, perhaps? In an unhappy place right now, maybe?


I have written here before about my youngest dd.  She is 12 soon to be 13.  She has always been strong willed and a handful.  In 5th grade she started having alot of trouble in school.  Alot of misbehavior, most directed at one teacher.  She is socially awkard and has real trouble making and keeping friends. 


This is interesting. Has she always struggled socially or did you notice this became worse as she appraoched the intermediate grades.


6th grade was even worse.  Wouldn't complete assignments, disobeying the teacher, grades taking a nose dive. 


Sometimes when bright kids hit the wall because of mild learning differences they act out as a way of deflecting attention from where they're struggling academically. This can be really subtle in smart kids- it's aalmost as if they adopt a "better bad, than dumb" mantra.


We have moved her from a private school to a public school and she said that she loves this school.  But we are right back where we started. 


Sadly, I am not surprised. When a kid has behaviors that undermine their success in school, taking those behaviors to a new school won't yield a different or better outcome.


She is seeing a therapist every other week and she is on 50mg of zoloft for anxiety and 5mg of melatonin at night to help her sleep. 

How long has anxiety and poor sleep been an issue? What sort of therapy does she get. Garden variety talk therapy might not be as useful for a girl with anxiety as CBT. If she's not properly dxd, it might be hard to tailor her t therapy to be effective.

In December she told a teacher that she wished she would die.  She hadn't made a plan.  We worked closely with her therapist and it came out that she was just mad.  Well yesterday she did the same thing again.  Only this time she told them she had a plan.  Her school counselor thinks that she is just using it as manipulation to get out of class.  I have a call in to see a psychiatrist at her doctor's suggestion.  It is a 6 week wait. 

Can you find a psychiatrist who can see you sooner. Suicide ideation is a medical emergency and not something a school "counselor" is qualified to determine is a legimate threat or not. Does her psych know she has twice expressed the notion to kill herself? If not, it might make a difference in scheduling. You could always access emergency care through an ER with a psychiatric service if you need to. I would determine where the best one near you is, so you can act if needed.

Today she was in detention to finish up some school work she hadn't completed and dissappeared.  she never left the building but the counsleor said that it took quite some time to find her and involved 3 people.  So she is keeping her after school. 

When you ask her what is going on she says she doesn't know why she does this stuff.  Says she will behave and than pulls more stunts like this.  Although this week has been the worst so far.  I don't think that she would actually hurt herself, but isn't that what people always say.  Her therapist is not really helping I don't feel.  A doesn't like to go and is very rude and the therapist never really has anything to tell me. 

Not sure what I am looking for here.  I feel so out of my depth here. Not sure if this is just here being a shit or if there is a deeper problem here that I am not seeing.  I have felt that she had ODD and she had an evaluation and that was listed a  DX but her doctor doesn't want to treat that until she has seen a psychiatrist.

Do you feel confident that is an accurate dx for your DD? Given her age, many kids with onging ODD would have an improvement in symptoms. Her anxiety, potential depression and social issues could be a red flag for other issues including higher functioning forms of ASD.

[karenj]

thank you for your reply. I am not sure about the ODD. I think that is why the MD wants her to see the psych.

[calmcosmo]

As a licensed school counselor with a masters degree, an NCC and LPC I am rolling my eyes at school "counselor". No idea what aunties credentials are, but i disagree with the insinuation that you can't trust your daughters school counselor. She may be wrong to blow off your daughters situation as just attention seeking and wanting to get out of class, but my guess is that she was trying to calm your fears.

I agree that suicidal ideation is an emergency. My advice after reading your post isn't to try and take a few paragraphs and make a new diagnosis (ODD or high functioning ASD), but to encourage you to find a team that you trust. I can't tell you how important it is to find the *right* therapist. I had one woman I would refer to that was amazing. She just had a way of really connecting with teens and she made a world of difference. If your daughters therapist isn't working - move on. And even with school counselors, there is typically more than one of us. It isn't unheard of to switch.

Does your daughter have a 504 in place?

[macchiatto]

I agree that this doesn't mean you're a "bad mom" or that she's a "bad kid." It sounds like she really needs help and you're doing your best to help her. I agree that I would try to find a different professional if her current counselor may not be the best fit, and that I would also make sure the psychiatrist knows about the suicidal ideation to see if you can get in sooner. I know your post was a few weeks ago; how have things been since then?