I don't know if this will help or not, but you said:
It's an automatic response to roll your eyes at me? Your wife??
You're taking this to a very personal level. You're making it about YOU and how he feels about YOU. Now, maybe it was personal. Maybe it was about YOU. I'm not your DH. But at the same time, I think many of us here can say that when we've rolled our eyes w/o thinking, it's not so much about the person - it's about what they said or the mood WE'RE in at the time.
Granted, if he's frustrated with you specifically and his eye roll was because he wasn't in the mood to be nit-picked, sure, we can take it back to it being personal, about you.
BUT my bigger point... while hard, in the moment, TRY not to automatically assign motives and reasoning to something that could be taken out of context.
Thank you for that. I should not have automatically taken it personally.
Post by autumnfire on Jan 16, 2015 15:19:03 GMT -5
The F off was uncalled for but I can't say for sure if it wasn't provoked? We only know that you "called him out". How did you call him out? What did you say? When he told you he felt criticized a lot how did you respond to that? Did you belittle his feelings? or invalidate his claim? Did you say you're sorry for criticizing him?
His response was HORRIBLE and NOT okay. However, again I feel as though he said it as a last ditch effort to make his point known after he'd already shared his feelings with you.
Post by turtlegirl on Jan 16, 2015 15:27:58 GMT -5
DH and I had a rough summer when we were in between selling and buying our house and we were living with my parents.
Living with other people, not having all of our own stuff, house searching, etc. It was really hard for us, but more on DH. He was just snippy and in a bad mood what seemed like all the time.
We had a mini come to Jesus talk about it. I basically said I understood how hard everything was. Everything in our life was pretty stressful, but at least we knew it was temporary. He agreed to try to adjust his mood as much as he could and I agreed to try to get us our more, do more family things on our own, etc.
I think sometimes it really helps to sit down and vent together about life's stresses. It helped us realize we both were stressed, but that doesn't give us the excuse to take it out on each other. And then we can brainstorm ideas on what we can do to either eliminate some of the outside stress or ways for us to reconnect and not take bad moods out on each other. Like someone else mentioned, kinda a relationship reset.
The F off was uncalled for but I can't say for sure if it wasn't provoked? We only know that you "called him out". How did you call him out? What did you say? When he told you he felt criticized a lot how did you respond to that? Did you belittle his feelings? or invalidate his claim? Did you say you're sorry for criticizing him?
His response was HORRIBLE and NOT okay. However, again I feel as though he said it as a last ditch effort to make his point known after he'd already shared his feelings with you.
When he rolled his eyes at me, I just said, "What was that for?" He said it was an automatic response to anything that comes out of my mouth, because I'm always criticizing him. I pointed out a few times I've complimented him recently, and said that stating the fact that the knife is not dishwasher safe was not a criticism.
I asked him to calm down (after a fight several months ago, he admitted that he gets overly defensive, and should just walk away instead of continuing to argue). He countered with other things he perceived as criticisms (some rightly so; others not), and there were a few curse words strewn in there. I pointed out that our child was sitting right at the table, and was listening (just a few nights prior, DH said something at the table -- can't remember exactly what -- but our child repeated it and DH himself said that he needed to start watching what he was saying) and that's when he told me to fuck off.
The F off was uncalled for but I can't say for sure if it wasn't provoked? We only know that you "called him out". How did you call him out? What did you say? When he told you he felt criticized a lot how did you respond to that? Did you belittle his feelings? or invalidate his claim? Did you say you're sorry for criticizing him?
His response was HORRIBLE and NOT okay. However, again I feel as though he said it as a last ditch effort to make his point known after he'd already shared his feelings with you.
When he rolled his eyes at me, I just said, "What was that for?" He said it was an automatic response to anything that comes out of my mouth, because I'm always criticizing him. I pointed out a few times I've complimented him recently, and said that stating the fact that the knife is not dishwasher safe was not a criticism.
I asked him to calm down (after a fight several months ago, he admitted that he gets overly defensive, and should just walk away instead of continuing to argue). He countered with other things he perceived as criticisms (some rightly so; others not), and there were a few curse words strewn in there. I pointed out that our child was sitting right at the table, and was listening (just a few nights prior, DH said something at the table -- can't remember exactly what -- but our child repeated it and DH himself said that he needed to start watching what he was saying) and that's when he told me to fuck off.
When someone feels overly criticized, telling them they are wrong is not going help. The old cliche "you can be right or you can be happy" is an old cliche because it has weight. It looks to me like each time he was giving his side you told him that he was wrong or how he could be better. I think telling your partner to fuck off is pretty bad, but I can see how he got to that level of frustration. If MH basically called a bad mom in the middle of an argument I'd be pretty pissed, too.
I think the phrases, "I didn't mean to make you feel that way" and "Let's talk about this later" will help quite a bit.
When he rolled his eyes at me, I just said, "What was that for?" He said it was an automatic response to anything that comes out of my mouth, because I'm always criticizing him. I pointed out a few times I've complimented him recently, and said that stating the fact that the knife is not dishwasher safe was not a criticism.
I asked him to calm down (after a fight several months ago, he admitted that he gets overly defensive, and should just walk away instead of continuing to argue). He countered with other things he perceived as criticisms (some rightly so; others not), and there were a few curse words strewn in there. I pointed out that our child was sitting right at the table, and was listening (just a few nights prior, DH said something at the table -- can't remember exactly what -- but our child repeated it and DH himself said that he needed to start watching what he was saying) and that's when he told me to fuck off.
When someone feels overly criticized, telling them they are wrong is not going help. The old cliche "you can be right or you can be happy" is an old cliche because it has weight. It looks to me like each time he was giving his side you told him that he was wrong or how he could be better. I think telling your partner to fuck off is pretty bad, but I can see how he got to that level of frustration. If MH basically called a bad mom in the middle of an argument I'd be pretty pissed, too.
I think the phrases, "I didn't mean to make you feel that way" and "Let's talk about this later" will help quite a bit.
I hadn't realized I was belittling how he felt. Looks like I have a lot to think about.
When someone feels overly criticized, telling them they are wrong is not going help. The old cliche "you can be right or you can be happy" is an old cliche because it has weight. It looks to me like each time he was giving his side you told him that he was wrong or how he could be better. I think telling your partner to fuck off is pretty bad, but I can see how he got to that level of frustration. If MH basically called a bad mom in the middle of an argument I'd be pretty pissed, too.
I think the phrases, "I didn't mean to make you feel that way" and "Let's talk about this later" will help quite a bit.
I hadn't realized I was belittling how he felt. Looks like I have a lot to think about.
right there. You dismissed his feelings and it's rude/prodding/not communicative. Pick one.
If DH told me to "calm down" he'd be met with an eye twitch. Before a big fight. That's like...
don't poke the bear kind of "Communication 101" stuff.
Post by shellbear09 on Jan 16, 2015 15:48:58 GMT -5
Well I would be stewing about the FU for sure. I have definitely been accused of criticizing my dh at times and I really try to not do that now and vice versa. I think having a small child escalates frustrations and it is easy to get snippy with each other. I hope you can calm down and talk about it and move past this. I hope he apologizes for that and then you can have a real discussion about how you both can communicate better.
With the knife thing I might have just said something like "oh just leave that out, I'll wash it". You might have said it in a way that was like scolding him and that is just not going to go over well with anyone. I find things in the dishwasher that shouldn't be there or stuff in the wrong place etc. often and never say anything, just move them.
I hadn't realized I was belittling how he felt. Looks like I have a lot to think about.
right there. You dismissed his feelings and it's rude/prodding/not communicative. Pick one.
If DH told me to "calm down" he'd be met with an eye twitch. Before a big fight. That's like...
don't poke the bear kind of "Communication 101" stuff.
In my defense, he asked me to do it after that fight I referenced. He asked me to tell him to calm down, walk away, whatever, so he could evaluate if he was being over-defensive or not.
right there. You dismissed his feelings and it's rude/prodding/not communicative. Pick one.
If DH told me to "calm down" he'd be met with an eye twitch. Before a big fight. That's like...
don't poke the bear kind of "Communication 101" stuff.
In my defense, he asked me to do it after that fight I referenced. He asked me to tell him to calm down, walk away, whatever, so he could evaluate if he was being over-defensive or not.
oh, then forget the above.
I've told my DH the same thing to tell me. "If I'm being bitchy, you have to tell me" because when he tells me after the fact, I feel AWFUL that I was treating him so poorly in the moment and I either didn't realize or was so in the fight that I wasn't backing down.
I think there's some resentment. He feels like he does everything, because I doesn't see what I do while I'm home with our child all day. He sees dirty dishes in the sink from lunch and thinks I'm fucking around online while our child is napping, when I'm actually searching for and applying for jobs.
DH does have an anxiety diagnosis, and takes meds, but I don't remember the last time he had a "check-in" with his doctor to see if his dosage needs to be evaluated. But I'm worried if I bring this up, I'll sound critical.
It sounds like you have a lot of issues to deal with, so I hope you can sit down and calmly discuss them all
-You have been out of work and need to find a job at this point. This is causing stress for both of you -Your H has anxiety issues and may need a f/u with his dr to see if things need adjusting, especially with added stressors in your life -The stresses are impacting your ability to communicate, especially when you disagree -Your H needs to see what you do all day. Has he spent a weekend day/half day at home with your LO while you get other things done? That often helps open a spouse's eyes to what the other one is doing all day
Is anything else going on? My husband and I definitely get on each other's nerves from time to time, but we are able to assume positive intent about each other and let things go, or have a discussion without it escalating. It sounds like you guys both overreacted in a big way, which makes me wonder if either you as individuals or your marriage in general are under additional stress right now.
Things are financially tight right now. We are on one income (his), though I am trying to find work. It's hard since I've been out of the workforce for 3 years (I stayed at home when our child was born -- it worked financially for a while, but his income stagnated while general expenses went up), and when I get stressed out, I have no sexual desire whatsoever. I don't know how to "make myself want it." And he can tell when I make an effort but am just not into it, and he won't keep going.
Try doing something fun or pleasant together, have a couple of drinks and just plan to do it. Sex usually leads to more sex.
My H will occasionally let little nasty barbs slip in a heated moment. I've told him that it makes me incredibly hurt and he has to stop doing that. Saying "Fuck You" is absolutely not acceptable in our house, regardless of the circumstances. It sounds like ther is a lot going on here, and the FU would prompt me to demand some type of action like counseling or researching how to communicate better.
Glad you had a good talk. In addition to drloretta's perceptive summary of issues, I'd add that some communication help is needed. I frequently recommend Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication books, and I definitely think those would help here.
I'm glad to hear the update. To me it sounds like it's probably a larger issue. Have you ever read books about different communication styles like "getting he love you want" or "please understand me"? One of those might help you reframe your automatic responses (ie- you're always criticizing me or you don't think I do anything).
For us - I hate to be criticized and I never say sorry. I always make up excuses for what I did. This enrages my H. This is his problem - he goes from 0 to 80 in 2 minutes. But we have talked about it and we acknowledged our flaws and we have become better. We also agreed to use a cheery tone when being snippy in front of our child. At least she won't note the tone