I'm an AE, and I need to vent

[familylifeae]

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. I am a reg on this board, and don't want this associated with my real account. 

Things have been up-and-down with DH lately. Last night was a definite down: I was cooking while he was cleaning up dirty dishes. He went to put the chef's knife in the dishwasher. I simply commented, "That can't go in the dishwasher, it's hand-wash only." He rolled his eyes at me. I called him out on it, and he said "Sorry, I didn't intend to; it's an automatic response." 

And I got a bit upset. It's an automatic response to roll your eyes at me? Your wife?? The fight goes on. He says he apologized, but blaming it on an "automatic response" doesn't make that any better to me. He goes on to say how I only criticize him (never mind the fact that I told him I thought it he was smart for pre-emptively putting our stored things in the basement up on shelving so if the basement floods, our things don't get ruined) and "why don't you go find somebody else to criticize?" and ended with him telling me to "fuck off" right in front of our young child. 

I'm certainly not perfect. I'm sure I've made some criticisms in the past that I should have let go without saying anything. But I don't think I'm overreacting at him rolling his eyes at me, and him calling it an "automatic response." I certainly didn't think pointing out that a particular kitchen product was hand-wash only was even a criticism. Am I in the wrong here?

UPDATE: He got home from work, and since our child was still napping, I told him I wanted to talk. We both apologized and a really good talk. 

[cjeanette]

The fuck off in front of the kid is incalled for.

Maybe living with a 9 year old is coloringme but getting annoyed at eye rolling enough to call someone out seems a bit much.

It seems that he is being vague about how he feels. Had he mentioned your criticism before?

[Brie]

Honestly, while him rolling his eyes at you is annoying, it sounds like you escalated the situation as well by "calling him out on it." He's not a child. I feel like that would probably put me on the defensive too.

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2015 14:17:36 GMT -5 familylifeae said:

I'm certainly not perfect. I'm sure I've made some criticisms in the past that I should have let go without saying anything. But I don't think I'm overreacting at him rolling his eyes at me, and him calling it an "automatic response." I certainly didn't think pointing out that a particular kitchen product was hand-wash only was even a criticism. Am I in the wrong here?

It obviously sounds like there are deeper issues.

I don't think the eye rolling is a big deal. But it seems the theme is that your H feels criticized and you get defensive/dramatic. I'm sure the eye roll was due to a culmination of him feeling criticized and not specific to the kitchen incident.

As someone who used to live with someone who was somewhat more organized than me, it was somewhat exhausting to always feel like everything had to be in it's perfect place or done a certain way or I'd get criticized.

The "fuck off" is definitely messed up.

I know recommending counseling is cliche, but have you guys been in counseling?

[Ashley&Scott]

I understand the eye rolling is annoying, but he apologized. I would have let it go after that.The FU was out of line, especially in front of your child.

[ECB]

As said, your feelings are your feelings and clearly there is a lot more going on here. But I too would have just let the eye roll go. I know I've rolled my eyes before "automatically" w/o even realizing I was.

[gogadgetgo]

DH tends to say stupid stuff in the moment (aka "automatic response") and I have to admit I do too. I don't think either of you handled the situation well but I hope you guys can sit down and have a rational discussion about the roots of the problem. Hugs. Fights are hard, especially when you feel you're on the defensive.

[andthentherewere10]

I think it sounds as if there are deeper issues, too. I end up criticizing my H a lot in our relationship because we DO have deeper issues (that he's in counseling for). So, I have to watch other interactions because I'm constantly on edge about the issues related to his counseling (does that make sense?).

[niq]

I'm sorry things are hard.

I think msniq and I struggle with this in a lot of the same way. We have both been trying to be better about it - being less accusatory in tone, not getting defensive when someone points it something went wrong, etc. It's gotten a lot better on both sides now that we are conscious of it, but it's not always easy.

When we are doing well, I think it's because (a) i am pulling my weight on chores/projects and (b) we are able to keep perspective that there are more things - big and little - to do, and that while more of them feel like a BFD, most of them aren't world-ending if they don't get done immediately or one of us has to fix what the other did (as long as we are both doing this). Toddler spends half the meal throwing food on the floor and we have to clean it up, so we won't have time/energy to pick up all the toys? We'll survive.

One of the things in the Rookie Mom's handbook is to create a "did do" list for yourself. It helps you take a step back and raise that the day was a total waste. Once in a while we do this together.

[rootbeerfloat]

Even though I agree with you re: the knife in the dishwasher, making a comment to my H about it is critical and not in a constructive criticism kind of way. If I got an eye-roll, it would kind of be deserved. Being told to "fuck-off" would NOT be deserved.

[familylifeae]

Jan 16, 2015 14:23:59 GMT -5 sxia said:

Okay. The rolling eyes, I would have let go.
The "fuck off?" NO.

He needs to apologize and I hope he slept on the couch.

I've been the eye-roller before. DH is a perfectionist and honestly, sometimes I want to just say, "I'm at home. Let me relax." He's called me out on the eyerolling only every once in a while.

I might just have said, "If you don't hand-wash it it'll..." What? Rust? Melt?

I feel very criticized sometimes, but a little eye-roll is a lot better than a "f-off."

I don't actually know what would happen if it went through the dishwasher. I'm not the most wonderful cook in the world, a friend who cooks a lot bought it for me for my wedding shower. But it came with instructions to hand-wash only, so I hand-wash only. 

I guess I was the one in the wrong. Stings a little to hear, but I will apologize when we're home tonight. 

[Deleted]

I'd say this is a pretty telling snapshot into how he's feeling about you, and that rather than worrying about being RIGHT, you should be worrying about how to have a real conversation about respect and communication and staying married. That can involve a third party or not, but ignoring it isn't going to fix a thing.

[Marmee]

Life is too short to nit pick little stuff...his rolling his eyes at your harmless meaning comment & you calling him out for an eyeroll. Really, you both need to relax & give each other a break. I'd forgive the FU (not saying that it's acceptable but it is forgivable) because it sounds like you insisted on making it into a big fight.

[Deleted]

Is anything else going on? My husband and I definitely get on each other's nerves from time to time, but we are able to assume positive intent about each other and let things go, or have a discussion without it escalating. It sounds like you guys both overreacted in a big way, which makes me wonder if either you as individuals or your marriage in general are under additional stress right now.

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2015 14:38:03 GMT -5 page said:

Is anything else going on? My husband and I definitely get on each other's nerves from time to time, but we are able to assume positive intent about each other and let things go, or have a discussion without it escalating. It sounds like you guys both overreacted in a big way, which makes me wonder if either you as individuals or your marriage in general are under additional stress right now.

I was trying to figure out how to say "Is he getting laid?". This is nicer. Still... my DH is much nicer to live with when we're having sex reasonably often.

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2015 14:39:05 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Jan 16, 2015 14:38:03 GMT -5 page said:

Is anything else going on? My husband and I definitely get on each other's nerves from time to time, but we are able to assume positive intent about each other and let things go, or have a discussion without it escalating. It sounds like you guys both overreacted in a big way, which makes me wonder if either you as individuals or your marriage in general are under additional stress right now.

I was trying to figure out how to say "Is he getting laid?". This is nicer. Still... my DH is much nicer to live with when we're having sex reasonably often.

Yeah, this is huge for us too. I am the one to get annoyed by little things easier and it is night and day when we are having sex more frequently vs not. I actually wasn't thinking along those lines about OP, but it is for sure a common culprit, especially when you have little kids.

[Alyssa]

The eye-rolling thing...I do that as an auto-response sometimes to my husband over stupid things.  It's not the best response to give your partner but it's not a fire starter in our home.

The Fuck-off part would be the start of WWIII in our house.  Throw in that it was done in front of your child...Game On Fucker!  I would be livid.  You deserve an apology and make that crystal clear when you two have a sit-down to re-hash what happened.  Tell him, "I don't ever want to hear you say that to me"  Look at him dead in the eyes and look serious.  Mean it.

[BAMFMrsB]

Jan 16, 2015 14:38:52 GMT -5 @this said:

Jan 16, 2015 14:33:35 GMT -5 familylifeae said:

I don't actually know what would happen if it went through the dishwasher. I'm not the most wonderful cook in the world, a friend who cooks a lot bought it for me for my wedding shower. But it came with instructions to hand-wash only, so I hand-wash only. 

I guess I was the one in the wrong. Stings a little to hear, but I will apologize when we're home tonight. 

I don't think you need to apologize and take full responsibility. I think you need to have a conversation like adults. "Hey, what happened last night wasn't cool. What can we both do next time do it doesn't happen again?"

THANK YOU.

Don't buy drama. TALK to each other.

You: "Rolling your eyes at me is childish and it annoys me."

DH: "Well you nit-pick me all the time"

You: "I'M SORRY. I should not do that" <---- see the apology? Own your bad behavior, as well.

DH: "I'm sorry, too. That was rude and not acceptable behavior"

/end scene.

Don't try to make any conversation a one-sided "well he said to EFF OFF!! He's the BAD GUY". Own it, like an adult, that you play a roll here, too. It will help your communication skills in leaps and bounds.

[familylifeae]

Jan 16, 2015 14:38:03 GMT -5 page said:

Is anything else going on? My husband and I definitely get on each other's nerves from time to time, but we are able to assume positive intent about each other and let things go, or have a discussion without it escalating. It sounds like you guys both overreacted in a big way, which makes me wonder if either you as individuals or your marriage in general are under additional stress right now.

Things are financially tight right now. We are on one income (his), though I am trying to find work. It's hard since I've been out of the workforce for 3 years (I stayed at home when our child was born -- it worked financially for a while, but his income stagnated while general expenses went up), and when I get stressed out, I have no sexual desire whatsoever. I don't know how to "make myself want it." And he can tell when I make an effort but am just not into it, and he won't keep going. 

[Deleted]

I do 100% agree that the words "fuck off" spoken to me in front of my child would trigger a major Come-to-Jesus talk. That is very not okay with me, and he would see it from the fire in my eyes and the dead calm in my voice.

[holly116]

Jan 16, 2015 14:45:09 GMT -5 BAMFMrsB said:

Jan 16, 2015 14:38:52 GMT -5 @this said:

I don't think you need to apologize and take full responsibility. I think you need to have a conversation like adults. "Hey, what happened last night wasn't cool. What can we both do next time do it doesn't happen again?"

THANK YOU.

Don't buy drama. TALK to each other.

You: "Rolling your eyes at me is childish and it annoys me."

DH: "Well you nit-pick me all the time"

You: "I'M SORRY. I should not do that" <---- see the apology? Own your bad behavior, as well.

DH: "I'm sorry, too. That was rude and not acceptable behavior"

/end scene.

Don't try to make any conversation a one-sided "well he said to EFF OFF!! He's the BAD GUY". Own it, like an adult, that you play a roll here, too. It will help your communication skills in leaps and bounds.

This exactly

[glitzy07]

familylifeae While I think it would be good for you to apologize tonight and have a real conversation about it, I really hope that your H does too for the way that he spoke to you. Don't get me wrong, H and I have been there and done that in the past (though not in front of the kid(s)). It usually takes us a little bit to cool down and talk it through and the real issues come out.

In some ways, I could have written this post based on some things going on in my own relationship. H gets frustrated and tells me that sometimes I talk down to him. While I don't do so intentionally, I can see how he feels that way and have to really work on it sometimes. Perhaps your H feel similarly?

[kershnic]

I mean, I could totally see this exact fight happening at our house at the wrong moment. You both escalated needlessly, though the "fuck off" in front of the kid is in its own territory and too far in my opinion. I hope we won't have *those* fights in front of the kids, and if either of us ever let it escalate that far in front of them we'd be having a serious conversation about it later for sure.

I don't think this necessarily jumps to "deeper issues" but it does sound like there's other stuff in play. Are either of you extra stressed about something else? Or just started trying to diet or didn't sleep last night or something like that? Those types of extra stressors can totally spark arguments in my house and acknowledging their role can help get us back on the same page.

[redheadbaker]

I'm sorry. Fighting is hard. I do think you both need to apologize and figure out how to communicate better.

But to be perfectly honest, I'd have a hard time forgiving "Fuck off" said to me in front of our child.

[familylifeae]

Thank you all for the advice. When he gets home, I'll tell him I'd like to have a conversation after our child goes to bed. I will definitely own my over-reaction and my criticizing, and I will work on letting things go in the future.

[mlt]

I'm ashamed to say I'm the one who says things like "fuck off" during arguments. I swear like a sailor. I do NOT say stuff like that in front of the kids and if I did I would have MAJOR apologizing to do. MH does not have a similar arguing style (he tends to shut down when upset) and its been an issue throughout our relationship. I continue to work on arguing in a style that is more similar/more productive to his.

[CloudBee]

Jan 16, 2015 14:45:09 GMT -5 BAMFMrsB said:

Jan 16, 2015 14:38:52 GMT -5 @this said:

I don't think you need to apologize and take full responsibility. I think you need to have a conversation like adults. "Hey, what happened last night wasn't cool. What can we both do next time do it doesn't happen again?"

THANK YOU.

Don't buy drama. TALK to each other.

You: "Rolling your eyes at me is childish and it annoys me."

DH: "Well you nit-pick me all the time"

You: "I'M SORRY. I should not do that" <---- see the apology? Own your bad behavior, as well.

DH: "I'm sorry, too. That was rude and not acceptable behavior"

/end scene.

Don't try to make any conversation a one-sided "well he said to EFF OFF!! He's the BAD GUY". Own it, like an adult, that you play a roll here, too. It will help your communication skills in leaps and bounds.

This is the exact type of dialogue we have in our home, and why I think our marriage is so healthy and strong. Everyone snaps. But we don't "fight". We either pause and discuss, both reflecting on our wrongs, or we wait for the tension to pass and then review what happened. Finger pointing only makes things worse. And usually there's something each of us could have done better in the moment.

I'm sorry you're upset. Try not to let it fester. Make time to talk together and reflect on what happened, and how you can work on preventing it in the future. It may not just be improving dialogue, but realizing that the knife probably won't get ruined in the dishwasher, (I run everything through ours) and just being thankful that he's doing the dishes. We each have our own way of doing things. I've had to train myself to stop nit-picking how DH loads our dishwasher or does the laundry. Because at the end of the day, it's one less thing I had to do, and he has good intentions.

[dulcemariamar]

It is hard to give advice because I feel like so much is missing from the story. The whole fuck you would be really hard to forgive and shows a big lack of respect. However, it seems that you need to work on yourself as well.'

I think every once in a while people just need to push the restart button on their relationship. Just trying to make a conscious effort to be nicer and concentrating on the important things in life can help so much. Try to see if you can let go of the negativity and criticism. See if you notice a change and think about seeking help to work on communication skills.

[speckledfrog]

It would be so interesting to hear his side of the story. It looks a bit like you picked a fight with him and it escalated. You're both at fault and focusing on the swear isn't going to help the overall situation.

[ECB]

I don't know if this will help or not, but you said:

It's an automatic response to roll your eyes at me? Your wife??

You're taking this to a very personal level.  You're making it about YOU and how he feels about YOU.  Now, maybe it was personal.  Maybe it was about YOU.  I'm not your DH.  But at the same time, I think many of us here can say that when we've rolled our eyes w/o thinking, it's not so much about the person - it's about what they said or the mood WE'RE in at the time. 

Granted, if he's frustrated with you specifically and his eye roll was because he wasn't in the mood to be nit-picked, sure, we can take it back to it being personal, about you.

BUT my bigger point... while hard, in the moment, TRY not to automatically assign motives and reasoning to something that could be taken out of context.