DotAndBuzz - YES, nothing ever happens because of my sister's poor decisions. It's always because of external circumstances that aren't in her control.
Post by game blouses on Jan 27, 2015 13:27:15 GMT -5
My mom pulls this crap with my sister too. If she's coming to see me and is running late, I get texts like "don't be mad at her for being late. She's so excited to see you."
I ignore it and I'd ignore that email too. Codependent systems don't stand up to common sense.
Fortunately, my mom's radical personality change a few years ago changed her so that she is able to both be upset about my sister and happy for the successes in my life. A few years ago, that never would have been possible. But fortunately today, that's happening.
Right? It's ridiculous. She's a kind soul, but she really needs to disentangle from my sister's problems.
Post by compassrose on Jan 27, 2015 13:30:01 GMT -5
((hugs)) It's rough. I think you are doing the right thing; the hard part is not feeling guilty about it. But this is in no way your responsibility. I think you are more than doing your part by not avoiding her and being civil when you see her.
Post by jennistarr1 on Jan 27, 2015 13:31:24 GMT -5
Yes, you need to your own rules here providing other support without giving money.
Ah, siblings...so my sister is forever in a bit of financial mess herself, just bad with money and never honest about it. She told us she donated her car, i can see on our state's case search it was repossessed.
My parents have pretty much given her their car. The thing that really gets under my skin about it is: last year (one year tomorrow) my mom had a major surgery and has been going subsequent cancer treatment. She couldn't drive for about 6 weeks after the surgery. My sister says one say "I know how I can help mom and dad" which was music to my ears because she had been pretty absent through the whole hospital stay. "I'm going to drive mom's car for her so it doesn't sit idle for 6 weeks". I suggested, "well i wouldn't worry about that, daddy can just alternate what car he uses and neither one will sit idle"
I just can't...freakin get over it. probably ever. If you need to borrow a car, then ask "can i borrow your car" but don't freakin present it as a favor you're doing for someone WHILE THEY HAVE CANCER
Do not feel guilty for one second about not wanting to help. She created the mess, and in order to really get better she has to be the one to clean it up. Every time somebody cleans a mess for her it just sends the message that she can keep going on as she is, because others will take care of her. You are doing her a huge service by keeping your hands off.
If your mom is open to it, Al Anon is a really good idea for her, so maybe you could offer to go to a meeting with her, but that is as far as I'd take it.
Post by emoflamingo on Jan 27, 2015 13:45:02 GMT -5
I have a sister who also has things happen TO her. She apparently complained enough when she was pregnant with her first to my aunt that she actually cornered me to tell her to be more supportive. While I was having a miscarriage. I just flat out responded that I was not in any position to be more supportive than I already was because of my own shit. And once I did finally get over my shit, she would complain about not having clothes for her kid or that her kid's dad wasn't giving any money to her (duh, he was 17 and in high school!), I would send her some clothes instead of money.
I would just keep on with your usual. I wouldn't want to get tangled up financially either.
Ignore. My mom does this to me w/r/t my trainwreck sister, and it's exhausting. Then when I talk to her she's all, "a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child." Good to know, mom.
My mom used to say that ALL. THE. TIME. (And it was when my college-aged brother was bummed after his GF of like 8 months broke up with him, lol.) I'm glad I'm justified in feeling super 'WTF' about it.