the womans place

[decemberrain]

Is in the kitchen. Thats pretty much what my H had to say tonight. I asked for help with dinner he said he worked all day. Okay. I asked him to help with dishes, he said that I don’t have a job and he does so I should do the house work and if I had a job he *might* help. Umm I'm pretty sure when I was supporting both of us I still helped cook and clean. And when I ask for things he always makes mekes me feel really guilty for spending *his* money. He never used to be like his and it's really starting to make me feel like crap. I am looking for a job but it's hard on Guam. I left my job after being offered a pretty huge promotion because H wanted to go into the service and now that he is the only one bringing in money he seems to think I should be worshiping him or something. I tried telling him he is making me feel like crap but he just says sorry and keeps doing it.. I'm really confused about where this is coming from..

[beans]

I would be having a pretty serious come to Jesus talk with him, like yesterday.

Also, I would be cooking for one and only cleaning my laundry, doing my own dishes, etc until I actually see a change.

[brandienee]

Ditto, Beans. He can make his own damn dinner if he is going to treat you like that.

Is he being influenced by the guys at work? There were some douches like this in H's old squad. They made me stabby.

[ilovelamp]

I'm sorry. It sounds like he is resentful and being really mean, which is unfair. Yes, he is working and you aren't, but he should still be helping (even a little bit) IMO. You two need to have a talk ASAP.

[decemberrain]

I'm going to sit him down before dinner tomorrow and if he walks away with the same attitude I'll be making dinner for me and then I wont be doing the dishes or the laundry. I think you might be on to something about the guys at work. Most of the wives here are sahw or sahm and not usually by choice there just aren't a lot of jobs for wives here. So most of the guys have do everything at home wives. While I don’t mind doing most of the house work, giving, e a hand with dishes isn't going to kill him! I told him I'm his wife not his slave and he said nothing to that. I have a hard enough time being a sahw as it is I don't need all this on top of it. (By hard time I don’t mean to sau being a sahw is hard I mean I hate not having a job it makes me feel useless)

[drunkpeggy]

I'm with Beans...he either changes his tune like yesterday or you take care of yourself.

Even when I was out on maternity leave and just putzing around the house and watching Mad Men all day my husband still came home and cleared the table after dinner.

I think you should set down a clear expectation of what everyone's responsibilities are...write them down if you have to that way when something doesn't get done or he tries to go back on the agreement you can refer back to it.

[amaristella]

Yeah he's definitely not being fair. DH may joke about me spending his income but I can't imagine him saying anything serious. I really hope that you guys can get to the bottom of it soon.

[verycontrary247]

I was in a really similar situation when H and I were living at his last duty station. I had a shitty PT job for a few months over the summer but aside from that I didn't do much, and couldn't because we only had one car.

I think the main factor was that H was stressed to the max, hated it there, hated the school and instead of addressing those problems- he lashed out at me for dumb shit (like the house not being clean enough) and would pick fights about nothing. We ended up in couples counseling where the fact that he was funneling all his pent up aggression from work towards me came out and he felt really guilty. Counseling helped, but it didn't get 100% better until we moved.

[sookie]

I joke with S about my place being in the kitchen so he needs to get out of it, but if he said that to me seriously heads would roll. I have a traditional view of families in that I like that S is the breadwinner and I like that he's handy and does all of the fixing of things and does all of the yard work when he's home. I prefer to do the cooking and housekeeping (because he couldn't do it right if it killed him). I also work full-time because it makes me happy. Because we both work 40+ hours a week, we help each other in our "tasks" when needed and won't even comment on it - that's marriage, you work together.

Do you think YH might have been joking? That joke wouldn't fly with me if you took it the way you think he meant it, but maybe it was meant that way. I agree with Beans that you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him about how you're feeling. Unless you treated him like that when you were the one bringing home a check before he joined (which I don't think you were or else I don't think you'd react this way), it's unfair of him. Let him make his own dinner and clean his own clothes.

[basilosaurus]

Oh, I've been there. It's the only recurring battle our marriage has, even with a liberal feminist partner. Not quite to the same degree, because he knows I"ll go lorena bobbit on him if he implies a woman's place is doing housework, but there have been fights about what the non-working spouse should be expected to do. He never once gave me grief about money at least; I was the one with the guilt.

I'll disagree with everyone else that doing your own stuff is the way to go. It's needlessly passive aggressive and will just make the situation worse. Instead, you need to have a real sit down about expectations. Some tasks around the house get done because it's what adults do. I shouldn't have to pick up clothes off the floor or go around collecting dishes. Adults pick up after themselves.

Other tasks I can take on the majority, like cooking. I also do all laundry and folding, but he puts his stuff away. We still battle over the label, H says it's my responsibility, but I can delegate to him, and that makes me cringe, but we've dropped it for now.

I think the first time we had these fights, back in Japan, it really took me sitting him down to get him to realize how hard it is to go from adult with legit employment to 100% dependent. Doing more housework was like a knife twist. So, he got to go out, use his brain, get paid, even if he sometimes hated work, and I had to suffer doing something I hate without reprieve or validation (like money). He wasn't seeing that he was subconsciously treating me like staff by having expectations that I do what a maid/cook does. I also got his perspective that I had the time to do all these things, so why would I want help? But, as you know, it's not just about time.

So, good luck. Wish I had magic words. We're a really happy strong couple, but this particular fight is our achilles heel. I wish I had advice that I know for sure works

[Deleted]

My STBXH told me that if I made the the same amount of money he did then he would help out. He was working four hour days because of being washed out and I was working 6-8 hour days and going to school full time. If you only count base pay then a made 3/4 of what he did plus went to school and volunteered 3 hours a week.

It's not "helping out" if it's your own house. That's like saying you babysit your own kids.

[kcd0531]

Aug 9, 2012 13:44:53 GMT -5 @lemonlover33 said:

It's not "helping out" if it's your own house. That's like saying you babysit your own kids.

Completely different topic from the original thread but s/o of LL's point:
It drives me crazy when my own mother asks if K will babysit EJ or L. WTF? Really? I thought my mom was more forward thinking (for lack of a better term that I can think of atm) than that.