I've posted before about DH's dad. He's an alcoholic and things finally came to a head last summer when he wrecked his car during a blackout. He agreed to go to a treatment program that H asked him to do and then backed out of it. They basically have not talked since and their last correspondence was via email back in August or September after we found out we were pregnant.
FIL sent a gift for the baby today and a card. In the card, he told H that he was meeting his goal of staying sober (unlikely, since we know he has used various prescription meds during this time of "sobriety" and there have been charges for liquor stores on the joint credit card that MIL monitors) and that just because he wasn't doing things the way H wanted him to, that it didn't mean he wasn't making progress. He then goes on to say, "If you don't want to involve me in your life or your family, that's your decision, but I think it's one you're going to regret."
H literally threw the card across the room. I've never, in 8 years of being together, seen him do something like that. Fuck his dad! God, I feel so awful for my H. Just the other day he was saying how sad he is about things with his dad and the fact that we're having a baby soon and his dad won't meet the baby and then he goes and pulls this shit? This is not my H's fault and distancing himself is the only thing he can do at this point after dealing with this shit for his entire fucking life. God Dammit! I don't know that I'll ever get past this, even if the relationship does get repaired at some point.
Alcoholism is a manipulative secret disease. Has he been in a 12 step program? seeing any counselors? received any help? anyway he could be sober? could the charges be MIL? who knows
Alcoholism is a manipulative secret disease. Has he been in a 12 step program? seeing any counselors? received any help? anyway he could be sober? could the charges be MIL? who knows
No, no, and no. He has refused counseling of any kind, which is why DH was so thrilled when he agreed to do this program. It's a program for physicians and once you enroll, you basically lose your license if they catch you with drugs or alcohol in your system. Pretty serious business. I'm sure it's why he reneged.
The charges are not MIL. She's the least manipulative person there is and I only know about the charges because she has told me in confidence when she needed to vent. She and FIL have been separated since the incident last summer, but she still deals with all the finances.
I'm sorry. Has your DH considered going to AlAnon? I heard it's very helpful.
We've discussed it briefly and he was open to the idea, but didn't end up going. I might bring it up again tomorrow when he's a little calmer. He's pretty upset right now.
I don't want to get too into it here, but he thankfully is now practicing in a specialty where he wouldn't be able to harm someone if he were under the influence. This was not the case up until a couple years ago. I assume that's what you're getting at.
I don't want to get too into it here, but he thankfully is now practicing in a specialty where he wouldn't be able to harm someone if he were under the influence. This was not the case up until a couple years ago. I assume that's what you're getting at.
Yes, that was what I meant. Sorry, I don't mean to pry or anything. And I'm sorry that you guys are dealing with this. Alcoholism is a vicious disease. I hope that he hits rock bottom soon and finally gets the help he needs.
No worries. I just don't want to put it out there entirely. Not my information to share.
Alcoholics are infamous for their manipulative ways. Especially "white knuckling" alcoholics, which is what your FIL sounds like. He's laying the blame on everyone except himself.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Alcoholism is a manipulative secret disease. Has he been in a 12 step program? seeing any counselors? received any help? anyway he could be sober? could the charges be MIL? who knows
No, no, and no. He has refused counseling of any kind, which is why DH was so thrilled when he agreed to do this program. It's a program for physicians and once you enroll, you basically lose your license if they catch you with drugs or alcohol in your system. Pretty serious business. I'm sure it's why he reneged.
The charges are not MIL. She's the least manipulative person there is and I only know about the charges because she has told me in confidence when she needed to vent. She and FIL have been separated since the incident last summer, but she still deals with all the finances.
Oh I am so sorry that your DH has to deal with this. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. As I stated, alcoholism is a manipulative disease. Sounds like DH has tried to get him to the help he needs. I am so sorry. What a hurtful situation.
Alcoholics are infamous for their manipulative ways. Especially "white knuckling" alcoholics, which is what your FIL sounds like. He's laying the blame on everyone except himself.
I hope your DH tries Al-Anon--it may be helpful.
Yes. This is entirely the case. Late in the summer he sent H a text that said, "100 days sober. Everyone's doubting, I'm the only one celebrating." No shit, dumbass. You've only been pulling this "I'm quitting" shit and not actually getting the help you need for 30 plus years. Shocking that people would doubt you.
I'm not sure how to reply but i feel compelled to. My dad is an extremely functional alcoholic. If I asked him to enter rehab it would undoubtedly be a process. I'm sure he wouldn't jump right in, but not because he doesn't adore me. I can't imagine cutting him out of my life. It's a disease and it takes time. I know that he is in love with my girls, that he loves me, and that his addiction comes from a place of grief. I don't know why I'm saying this. I guess I'm saying...there are maybe other ways besides cutting him out. But I don't know.
Alcoholics are infamous for their manipulative ways. Especially "white knuckling" alcoholics, which is what your FIL sounds like. He's laying the blame on everyone except himself.
I hope your DH tries Al-Anon--it may be helpful.
Yes. This is entirely the case. Late in the summer he sent H a text that said, "100 days sober. Everyone's doubting, I'm the only one celebrating." No shit, dumbass. You've only been pulling this "I'm quitting" shit and not actually getting the help you need for 30 plus years. Shocking that people would doubt you.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by lexxasaurus on Feb 13, 2015 20:22:15 GMT -5
emsumm I think I know what you're trying to say, but cutting out is the ONLY way that works for some people. Most people don't drop you like a hot potato when they realize you're a problem drinker, it's often a last resort. Alcoholics can love and care, but if it's a toxic addition to your life, and creating issues in your other relationship, cutting ties isn't an absurd option. I grew up with an addict father. I spent a long time as an alcoholic. I've been on both sides and the thing is, there isn't a right answer. I don't blame anyone who moved on without me because I was selfish and hurtful and it wouldn't stop until I was ready for it to stop.
I'm not sure how to reply but i feel compelled to. My dad is an extremely functional alcoholic. If I asked him to enter rehab it would undoubtedly be a process. I'm sure he wouldn't jump right in, but not because he doesn't adore me. I can't imagine cutting him out of my life. It's a disease and it takes time. I know that he is in love with my girls, that he loves me, and that his addiction comes from a place of grief. I don't know why I'm saying this. I guess I'm saying...there are maybe other ways besides cutting him out. But I don't know.
It's not really my decision to make and I feel like I can only support what my H wants to do. He's the one who dealt with this growing up, not me.
There's so, so much backstory that I can't possibly get into here. I know my FIL loves H and I believe that a lot of this behavior is a result of him being scared. He has separated from his wife and both of his sons have cut off contact. He's also expecting his first grandchild in April and knows next to nothing about my pregnancy. I'm sure he's having a hard time.
The real issue is that he refuses to shoulder any blame in all of this. He's been doing hurtful things and making false promises since my H was a child. I can't judge the way H chooses to handle that.
eta: To be fair, I do understand what you're saying. I just think that my H has reached the end of his rope and doesn't know how else to cope.
Has anyone looked into whether your state has any substance abuse programs for medical professionals? That is what it took for my stbxh to finally get sober, he was told go through this program or lose your license. It seemed harsh at the time and I was actually really mad at the family that reported him, but he was going to work hung over which is as good as drunk in the eyes of the state.
I am a huge fan of Al Anon and I really hope your H finds a good meeting. Addiction really is a family disease and it will do wonders for him if he can find a good meeting and embrace the program.
Has anyone looked into whether your state has any substance abuse programs for medical professionals? That is what it took for my stbxh to finally get sober, he was told go through this program or lose your license. It seemed harsh at the time and I was actually really mad at the family that reported him, but he was going to work hung over which is as good as drunk in the eyes of the state.
I am a huge fan of Al Anon and I really hope your H finds a good meeting. Addiction really is a family disease and it will do wonders for him if he can find a good meeting and embrace the program.
There is. That's what DH asked him to enroll in and FIL agreed to, but then reneged. I wasn't aware there was a reporting element though. The program, as far as I've been aware, is purely voluntary. Yet another thing for us to potentially discuss tomorrow. Thank you for the idea.