updates sort of

[lovelovelove]

Hope everyone is doing well

I've been wanting to post for awhile, but my thoughts and feelings have been so scattered. They still are, truthfully. I wrote a bunch of stuff down, and continue to do so as it pops into my head, do I'll put some of that here. Sorry if this gets long.

To start, we are essentially in the same place we were a month ago, minus me being a frantic mess. H continues to go to AA, usually 2x per week. He says he physically feels good from not drinking.

He is an anxious, depressed wreck of a person though. Every day I wake up with a pit in my stomach wondering what his mood will be and how our day will go. It's exhausting. I find myself trying to make sure everything around the house and with our dd is taken care of so I don't have to deal with him getting stressed out, being in an awful mood, and being snippy at me and dd.

This past Saturday he did nothing, and ended up falling asleep for most of the afternoon. I was not happy. It reminded me of times he was drunk and no help with the house or baby. And he had told me I could go out to have a couple hours alone; if I had done that he would have either fallen asleep with dd in his care or plopped her in front of the TV while his mood got worse. When I said I was disappointed at the end of the day he got upset with me and said he was tired from a long week at work. I wanted to scream "I'm tired too!"

He has made appointments to see his psychiatrist and therapist in the next 2-4 weeks. I told him he needs a standing appointment with the therapist, but he hasn't called to set that up. He hasn't picked and thus hasn't made us an appointment with a marriage counselor. I'm pretty hurt and insulted about that- like the one thing that our marriage really needs and he can't prioritize it?

I've continued to go to al-anon on a weekly basis. I have mixed feelings about it. I love that I have time set aside to be 100% focused on this problem with other people in the same boat. I love hearing other people's stories and how they've found peace and happiness. Everyone is so nice. But I'm having a lot of trouble with some of the topics they discuss. Detaching - I feel pretty detached right now but I don't want to live the rest of my life detached from my husband.

I'm feeling like I'll never be able to trust him again. I feel like he's lying, manipulating, and taking advantage of me. Part of me wants to not care and just try to be happy and forgive and forget and get some affection back in my life. Because maybe he's not doing any of those things. Part of me feels like I'm weak and a doormat and being taken advantage of by not being done with him or by considering forgive / forget. How do I know what's genuine and true anymore? I'm feeling so financially insecure and afraid of him losing his job. I think he resents the fact that I work part time while he works full time and hates his job.

Finally, I've been thinking about how I haven't had any strong emotions. Is that concerning? I keep thinking "I should be so angry about (insert something shitty he did)" but it's like I don't even know how to be angry anymore. I'm probably really sad and angry and scared somewhere in there, but it hasn't come up yet.

Ok brain dump over. Sorry that was so long.

How is everyone else doing? I'd love to hear how things are going for you all.

[btay]

The first year of sobriety is tough, even if the addict is doing everything right there is still a huge adjustment period both physically and mentally. This doesn't mean you have to shoulder everything though, you are trying to recover just as much as he is. Have you looked into finding a marriage counselor yourself? If you found someone and scheduled something would he go? I think finding a marriage counselor who specializes in addiction is something you both would benefit from. My stbxh and I ultimately decided on separation, but our marriage counselor was fantastic and the reason that my stbxh and I have a better relationship today than we ever did. We learned to communicate our needs, our boundaries, our anxieties, all in a safe place.

As hard as it is, try and separate yourself from focusing on what he needs to do, and really focus on what you can do. You can't make him do anything, so all the effort you have put trying to convince him to schedule appts. etc should be time spent scheduling appts for yourself, or doing something you enjoy.

As for the trust, I will share the thing that has stuck most with me from therapy: Trust equals words plus actions matching over time. Right now you don't trust him because everything is still very fresh. As he continues to follow through on things the trust will slowly build back up. If he keeps hiding things, the trust will never come back. So it is up to him to build that trust back, and up to you to decide how long you are willing to wait.

Finally, the emotions will come with time and therapy. Right now you are still in survival mode but as you work with your therapist and Al Anon, you will notice these emotions start to bubble. Let them. It is key to your recovery that you allow yourself to feel when the feelings happen.

[pinkdutchtulips]

hugs

all of what you're going through is completely normal. continue w/ Al-Anon as I cannot sing their praises loud enough. detaching to me at least, did not mean detach from my h (that came later when he completely and totally relapsed post rehab). it meant that I needed to detach myself from the situation entirely and not make it my responsibility to make sure that everything was just so to avoid ANY sort of outburst from him. the only people I was responsible for were dd and myself. now xh was on his own so to speak.

[Deleted]

First of all, 1. glad you are no longer the frantic mess, and 2. that you are attending al-anon on a weekly basis.

His behavior sounds totally familiar and "normal" for someone in the first few months of sobriety. I know when I stopped drinking, I wasn't the most pleasant to my H. At least I wasn't a mean drunk to him anymore, but it took a while for me to adjust and feel the pain, instead of blotting out the pain. He is going through a lot of emotions and questions. What will life look like without his beer? Will he ever be happy again? How can me make all of this up to you and the family? You get the picture...

Repairing the damage we do with our drinking can take months and even years. I've heard at least 5 years. flex might be able to comment on that. Do you have a Big Book in the house? Read the chapter called the Family Afterwards. That is a great description of what goes on early in sobriety with the family. You need to be in it for the long haul. But only if he keeps up his part of the deal. If he cannot keep sober, you have every right to make other life plans. If he keeps attending AA and working the steps, life can and does get better.

Glad you posted your update!

[Deleted]

Mar 3, 2015 8:56:59 GMT -5 btay said:

As for the trust, I will share the thing that has stuck most with me from therapy: Trust equals words plus actions matching over time.

Love this btay!

[flex]

Mar 3, 2015 16:44:41 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

First of all, 1. glad you are no longer the frantic mess, and 2. that you are attending al-anon on a weekly basis.

His behavior sounds totally familiar and "normal" for someone in the first few months of sobriety. I know when I stopped drinking, I wasn't the most pleasant to my H. At least I wasn't a mean drunk to him anymore, but it took a while for me to adjust and feel the pain, instead of blotting out the pain. He is going through a lot of emotions and questions. What will life look like without his beer? Will he ever be happy again? How can me make all of this up to you and the family? You get the picture...

Repairing the damage we do with our drinking can take months and even years. I've heard at least 5 years. flex might be able to comment on that. Do you have a Big Book in the house? Read the chapter called the Family Afterwards. That is a great description of what goes on early in sobriety with the family. You need to be in it for the long haul. But only if he keeps up his part of the deal. If he cannot keep sober, you have every right to make other life plans. If he keeps attending AA and working the steps, life can and does get better.

Glad you posted your update!

It's really hard to say how long it can take.  I think once the recovering alcoholic takes responsibilities for their actions and works the steps right away the damage can be fixed more quickly.  But on the other hand I would say one way to gauge it would be for every year of drunken actions/thinking/finger pointing at others, it takes one year of sobriety to counteract it.

That being said, I think my ex-h ever learned how to absolutely, completely trust me even though I had been sober some time before we divorced.

[lovelovelove]

Thank you all so much for taking time to respond so thoughtfully and gently. I'm sure you're all starting to feel like a broken record with me, but please know I'm hearing you and really trying to work the advice into my life.

I'll keep up with al-anon and check out that chapter in the book. I know I have a lot to work on with myself. I called a marriage counselor that specializes in substance abuse today too- hopefully I hear from them tomorrow.

[btay]

Mar 3, 2015 19:54:16 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

Thank you all so much for taking time to respond so thoughtfully and gently. I'm sure you're all starting to feel like a broken record with me, but please know I'm hearing you and really trying to work the advice into my life.

I'll keep up with al-anon and check out that chapter in the book. I know I have a lot to work on with myself. I called a marriage counselor that specializes in substance abuse today too- hopefully I hear from them tomorrow.

You are doing a great job, just keep coming to us with any questions, concerns, doubts.  This is not something anyone should have to weed through alone