Update on me

[mel]

I've been on a downward spiral for the past several weeks. I was doing pretty well but then I started realizing that I'm very lonely. Not many friends mixed with no dating prospects, add in Valentine's Day and what would have been an anniversary with my ex. It all kind of caught up to me and smacked me in my face. I've been pretty depressed and anxious recently and have had thoughts of self-harm. I haven't acted on them though. I had decided last week that I was going to just drink all I wanted to and cut all I wanted to. I was in the mindset of "I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me and screw those that try". I went to Barnes and Noble (on my way to the liquor store) and stumbled across a book by Max Lucado titled "You'll get through this". I read for a little while and the thoughts of wanting to cut subsided but the thoughts of wanting to get drunk (to "escape") did not. So I drank rather heavily for 3 days straight and I felt like "hey this is pretty awesome. I'm enjoying this 'high' and I'm not doing anything to hurt myself". I felt great. Until I didn't. My ex had to take my son to the ER for Croup and I actually got in my car and started to head that direction because "I was fine" after the first day of drinking. I was smart enough to turn around before I left my neighborhood. That made me angry at myself for being stupid. Then on what would have been day 4 (I only stopped because I had to go to work) I almost called in to work because I wasn't ready to be done drinking and it pissed me off that I had to be responsible and go to work instead of stay in my little escape. I went to church that morning hungover. Who does that? That made me feel like I didn't belong. Like "good people" don't go to church with a hangover therefore I'm not good people. Like I didn't deserve to be there. Then on day 5 I felt super irritable and pissed off because the depression and thoughts of self-harm were back, not to mention physically feeling sick. Now here I am feeling like I want (need?) to do something but I know that both cutting and drinking are poor choices. But damn if I don't crave that high.

I saw my therapist on the morning after I started drinking and didn't cut and she was proud of me for not cutting so in my distorted mind that gave me permission to drink what I wanted to instead of cut because that was more "acceptable" than physically cutting myself. Nobody questions if you buy a couple bottles of wine or order a few drinks out like people would question cut marks. It's like a switch got flipped and I had an "ah ha" moment of unhealthy ways to get that same high that I get from cutting but without the actually cutting. I see her again on Thursday and we will be discussing this more I'm sure but in the meantime I feel pretty crappy.

Sorry for the long brain dump. I just needed to get it out of my system.

[just]

I'm not one to talk but (((((mel)))))

You deserve so much better than this. So much more than the shame and the spiral. You are enough. Just as you are.

I also understand the striation of crapiness - is bulimia worse or better than cutting - is cutting worse or better than drinking - etc.

But for you - you are so much more than all of them. Than the false high of drunk, and the quick rush of cutting. You deserve so much.

Talk here. And talk in real life. Get help.

[Deleted]

mel, you need to get to AA. You're cutting is an issue but I believe you are also using alcohol to solve your problems. Nothing is ever made better by three day bender. Please consider attending some AA meetings. I don't remember if you have gone to AA before, but I would highly suggest it for you. Understand these the feeling of not fitting in in church. I truly believe you would feel accepted and comfortable in the AA meeting. Please consider this, in addition to your visits with your therapist.

[lovelovelove]

Continue to post here - everyone is so kind and helpful.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time.

[mel]

I just felt like because my therapist was proud that I didn't cut and my friends told me "sometimes you just need to let loose and have a good time" that I was given permission to substitute drinking for cutting. If that makes sense. I've already been looking at my calendar to figure out my next set of "free" days when I don't have anything planned (work or child) and can do the same thing again. Because in my head it's okay because it's not cutting.

I've discussed AA before with my therapist but the closest I've ever gotten to actually going to a meeting is getting to the parking lot. I've just never been able to get over the "I don't belong here" feelings because my issue has always been cutting. I did find one that I can go to tomorrow though that is located in the building next to my therapist's office. I'm going to go. I can do it. It will be uncomfortable I'm sure because of my own hesitations and thoughts but I can do it. I think.

Church has been amazingly helpful to me. I've been going for the past month or so and it's been such a positive experience for me. I really found one that I feel at home in and each week I feel like the message is tailored just for me. I just felt like a fraud by going on Sunday with a hangover. Again, who does that??? That makes me a bad person. God is ashamed of me. A good Christian wouldn't do that. Then I went back to the negative thinking of "I suck at this" and was just that much more depressed and had to go to work that night so I couldn't do anything about it.

But I'm going to go. Tomorrow morning. It will be good because I have a therapy session tomorrow too.

How do you find the strength and courage to walk through the door?

[Deleted]

I understand. I'm so sorry you are struggling.

To me, as an objective outsider, you seem to be substituting one destructive (addictive) behavior for another. To flip it around, would you tell me that because I am sober, it would be okay for me to cut? Please I don't want to hurt you, but your thinking is not quite straight. Maybe AA isn't the right program, but you could start with that 12 step program and see where it leads. In my few years in AA, people have attended who identified themselves as pill addicts, eating disordered, even a sugar addict. Bottom line is that a LOT of 12 step programs use the BB (Big Book) as the text. If you are in the "wrong" place, you'll know it and others can direct you to a more appropriate 12 step program.

I'm really happy and proud of you that you've decided to try an AA meeting near work tomorrow. As to how to walk through the door, just do it. I'm not even sure why my car turned the corner to go to the first AA meeting, instead of me driving home and heading straight to the wine in the pantry. No clue why I went in. Other than I was so tired of being drunk, unhappy, and mean. Sometimes that is referred to as the gift of desperation. I truly hope you'll try a meeting or two. You may find you belong there if you actually go in! 

Church is great.  I recently started going back.  Again, I'm not sure why after all these years, I've been led back to a church.  I've attended six weeks in a row!  Like a record for me.  Actually look forward to going.  Crazy!  The message is a lot like AA.  The difference is AA actually addresses the disease AND spirituality. 

Please PM me if I can help. 

[Deleted]

Also, there are many "good Christians" who also have addictive diseases. It has nothing to do with being good or bad. It's a disease.

I so understand your reluctance to go on Sunday with a hangover.

[mel]

I went and sat in my car in the parking lot again. I just can't seem to bring myself to go in. I turn into a huge anxious mess and find a way to talk myself out if it.

There's another one in about an hour and a half. I'm going to try again.

[lovelovelove]

Mar 5, 2015 10:25:33 GMT -5 mel said:

I went and sat in my car in the parking lot again. I just can't seem to bring myself to go in. I turn into a huge anxious mess and find a way to talk myself out if it.

There's another one in about an hour and a half. I'm going to try again.

You can do this! Try not to even think about it too much, and just try walk in with no expectations. One step at a time- don't think about the meeting, just think about stepping out of the car, one foot in front of the other, etc.

[flex]

mel I suggest you call AA or any other applicable self-help program and talk to someone. I have no doubt someone would be happy to meet you at a meeting to help you through this.

It is terribly hard to walk into a meeting of strangers--whether it's a 12 Step meeting or church or whatever. Don't feel bad that you're anxious about it. Perfectly natural. I do encourage you to reach out for help. There's scads of people just dying to help you out. Trust me on this.

[mel]

I went and actually made it inside this time. I didn't say a word but I went. It was a lot to take in and left me with all sorts of feelings and emotions. I'm trying to process it all now.

[Deleted]

Mar 5, 2015 15:02:31 GMT -5 mel said:

I went and actually made it inside this time. I didn't say a word but I went. It was a lot to take in and left me with all sorts of feelings and emotions. I'm trying to process it all now.

I'm glad you went.  Feel free to ask questions or PM me, if you wish.  Proud of you!

[btay]

I am so glad you went <3