Post by karinothing on Mar 9, 2015 19:14:53 GMT -5
I would ask, not everyone knows how to properly address invites. Moreover if i am not comfortable enough or close enough to ask them this question, i don't see why i would want to go to their wedding.
I personally couldn't leave my EBF baby overnight at that point, but if you can you could always leave him with MIL
we don't all have to agree on everything. I am well aware my opinions regarding CF weddings do not match the board majority. Rest assured I have never had this conversation IRL outside of maybe with my own mother, lol.
I know we don't all have to agree but why is this a debate only surrounding weddings? I don't think I've seen this question about showers, birthday parties, work conferences, holiday parties or anything else to which you'd receive an invitation. Kid not on the invite, kid doesn't come. Again, not a summons. The argument is usually something like "it's a joining of the families and the kids are family" and that's total bullshit. DH married ME. He didn't marry my Aunt Joan nor did I marry his cousin Abbey. At the end of the day, the marriage is between he and I and the party that day was about us.
May it also be noted that I disagree with siblings "having" to be invited to children's birthday parties, as has been discussed on here. If my DD is invited to a friend/classmate's party, her yet-to-be-conceived siblings won't attend, and I'll be damned if people expect me to invite siblings to my kid's party unless I want to.
I'd like to think of a wedding as a little more important than a work conference. It's about being there to witness one of the most important moment in people's lives. Not just the open bar/party.
We had a situation where DS1 took a bottle for months. I, in fact, left him with my SIL to attend a local wedding when he was 2 months old. But then right before a wedding, again, in effing Cleveland, when he was 5 months old, no bottle. No matter what we did for the weeks leading up to it, he wouldn't take a bottle so I couldn't very well leave him like I had intended. This was a very close friend of DH and he, gasp, told her what was going on and she was totally fine with the baby coming along. We didn't stay at the reception long but again, it was about being there for their ceremony.
I prefer to not have my kids at weddings, the exception being family weddings. Hell, I even had my sister come in from Berlin to watch my youngest this summer when we were at a wedding in Bavaria. I brought my baby to Germany and still figured out a way to go to the wedding kid free. I will do what I can because I like to get away myself, but I will always side eye the categoric refusal of including nursing babies at anything. They are certainly more of a pita for the parents than the host and if you have a kid that won't take a bottle, they are an extension of the mother.
I It is beyond rude to ask the b&g for additional guests to come whether it is your nursing infant, ff infant, toddler, child, boyfriend or random hookup when the invite doesn't say so.
Gee, thanks.
The difference between my EBF infant and your cousin's boyfriend is that I am my child's sole food source. I can't hire a wet nurse for the weekend.
It is nothing personal against you or anyone else, Brie. And you yourself said that you will be back work by that time, thus giving bottles regularly. As a mom who FF, maybe I just don't get it, but why should your choice to BF trump the b&g's choice to have a child free (or even just your-child-free) wedding? Or my want to bring my FF baby, should I want to do so (which I likely wouldn't)? Because you know if they make an exception for you, someone who didn't ask and reluctantly left their nursing or even FF infant home is going to get their nose out of joint. Why make it harder for the b&g with all of the undoubted other stresses of the day? It's one day, one that is far more special to them than to you (general you, not you personally).
Post by browneyedgirl9 on Mar 9, 2015 19:32:10 GMT -5
I personally wouldn't ask. I would assume no kids are invited. I would get an extra motel room for mil and have her babysit there if you don't want to leave alone. Or have just husband go.
I It is beyond rude to ask the b&g for additional guests to come whether it is your nursing infant, ff infant, toddler, child, boyfriend or random hookup when the invite doesn't say so.
Gee, thanks.
The difference between my EBF infant and your cousin's boyfriend is that I am my child's sole food source. I can't hire a wet nurse for the weekend.
Babies also don't require a catered meal and go easy on the open bar.
I agree that if I'm close enough to you to be invited to your wedding and want to go, I'm close enough to ask "So, what do you think about my baby coming?". If we're not that close, I am not interested in your wedding and will decline. I'm totally in the "weddings are for families" camp, though, as mine was a family reunion and not a princess day.
I know we don't all have to agree but why is this a debate only surrounding weddings? I don't think I've seen this question about showers, birthday parties, work conferences, holiday parties or anything else to which you'd receive an invitation. Kid not on the invite, kid doesn't come. Again, not a summons. The argument is usually something like "it's a joining of the families and the kids are family" and that's total bullshit. DH married ME. He didn't marry my Aunt Joan nor did I marry his cousin Abbey. At the end of the day, the marriage is between he and I and the party that day was about us.
May it also be noted that I disagree with siblings "having" to be invited to children's birthday parties, as has been discussed on here. If my DD is invited to a friend/classmate's party, her yet-to-be-conceived siblings won't attend, and I'll be damned if people expect me to invite siblings to my kid's party unless I want to.
It's not a debate. It's just reality that brides and grooms don't mind/welcome nursing infants even if they are not on the invite. So, parents ask.
Except as I stated above, people like DH's friends just assume and do not ask. Had they asked, yes we ( I ) probably would have been like, yeah whatever you have to do. Honestly, at the time I knew less than nothing about BFing, so I probably would have preferred they not even ask and assume they couldn't bring the baby, but I wouldn't have said no had they asked (see: undue pressure as I said above). The not asking and assumption is what annoyed me.
If it's someone I'm close to, I'd ask. Maybe that makes me rude, but if it's someone I didn't feel like I could ask in a nice way, I don't think I'd really want to go.
The difference between my EBF infant and your cousin's boyfriend is that I am my child's sole food source. I can't hire a wet nurse for the weekend.
It is nothing personal against you or anyone else, Brie. And you yourself said that you will be back work by that time, thus giving bottles regularly. As a mom who FF, maybe I just don't get it, but why should your choice to BF trump the b&g's choice to have a child free (or even just your-child-free) wedding? Or my want to bring my FF baby, should I want to do so (which I likely wouldn't)? Because you know if they make an exception for you, someone who didn't ask and reluctantly left their nursing or even FF infant home is going to get their nose out of joint. Why make it harder for the b&g with all of the undoubted other stresses of the day? It's one day, one that is far more special to them than to you (general you, not you personally).
"Just pump" doesn't work that way. I would have to have essentially an extra 2 days' worth of milk for this trip. Last time, I was barely able to pump what my kid needs for daycare. I'm not back at work yet but I have to assume this will be the same situation.
If you are close enough to ask, wouldn't you be close enough for the bride or groom to say "hey, your baby can come?" without being asked?
Kidless people don't always think about it. Or think about the difference between a 4 month old and a 12 month old. Even a 4 month old and an 8 month old have been very different for me. They probably don't consider that someone they want to be there may decline because she can't pump ahead enough milk to leave her baby.
Post by wildfloweragain on Mar 9, 2015 20:37:27 GMT -5
I went to several weddings and missed a few child free events when I had nursing babies. At no time did I get upset with the bride/host of these events that it was a child free event. My BFF got married when DD1 was 2 months old. I am in NY, she is in Florida and I had to be gone 5 days due to wedding events. Yes it was hard work building up my freezer stash in time and yes it sucked leaving things to pump every 3 hours so i could keep my supply up but I could have said no. I didn't have other kids and I chose to leave H home with her. If it wasn't a big enough deal to me to make these accommodations, I would have stayed home. It is not the bride's problem.
In cases where I had other kids at home and I had something to go to, I have split the kids: baby at my house with pumped milk and one dedicated caregiver, and other 2 kids with grandparents.
Update: this is one of H's best friends and a groomsman at our wedding. He just called H back in response to his email and said they didn't even think about that but it's no problem at all. He said they're not having a lot of kids because it's a Greek Orthodox ceremony which is apparently really long but said there's a cry room with closed circuit TV if he needs to leave.
I am glad your relationship was not irrevocably damaged by asking, lol
Sometimes i feel like GBCN is full of the most non confrontational folks ever. I feel like everyone would hate me because i just say what I feel and/or want.
I was 22 when I got married and knew zilch about babies and breast feeding. I invited children, but if I hadn't it would not have crossed my mind that a breastfed baby might need to be accommodated.
Update: this is one of H's best friends and a groomsman at our wedding. He just called H back in response to his email and said they didn't even think about that but it's no problem at all. He said they're not having a lot of kids because it's a Greek Orthodox ceremony which is apparently really long but said there's a cry room with closed circuit TV if he needs to leave.
yay. I'm glad it all worked out. Something tells me the bride and groom didn't have all the hand wringing that was involved in some of these responses.
I was in this situation last July...except I had to tell them in April, before I had had the baby. DD was going to be 3 months old, breast fed and the wedding was about 2-3 hours from where our only child care option was.
We asked and were told no kids. We still went. But to be honest, I was pissed, mostly because of how young she was. But I did get over myself.
Y'all are going to hate me for posting this and running (need to work, after all), but I feel like people should be pressured to defend this position. What can one possibly have against a 4 month old at their wedding, other than wanting a pretty pretty princess day? I get older kids that may cause a fuss (barely), but this? It's basically indefensible, unless you think your friends are shitty, oblivious people who will stand there while their baby screams bloody murder and "ruins" your wedding.
The bride and groom have the right to invite whomever they choose. It's a free country. I had a child-free wedding except for our 2 flower girls, one of whom was taken to the hotel by her great aunt (my aunt by marriage's sister) immediately after dinner. We had one couple - a college friend of DH's and his wife - that brought their nursing infant but didn't ask if it was ok. I didn't say a word to them, make a scene or anything but I was not and am not ok with their assumption.
It's time to let go of your anger. Your wedding was years ago. I had someone bring their uninvited kid to my wedding too. (Not an infant, more like a 7yo) I wasn't excited to have a guest completely disregard the invite but in the end it really was fine.
Brie I'm glad that your DH talked to the groom & it all worked out.
If these people are close enough to know you have an infant and didn't include a note making an exception for your child, I would assume they don't want an infant there. I wouldn't ask. My kid could be a horror at that age, especially in the evening.
And there's the notion of having to expose him to a new set of germs and potentially loud amplification system.
I like the idea of putting MIL and the kids in a hotel nearby if that is doable. That way you can take over the overnight duties and spare her all the wake-ups.
Or you could send your DH alone. RSVP asap in the form of a short note explaining that you'd love to come but you're declining for yourself because you can't leave your EBF baby. If they're open to you bringing the baby along, they'll get back to you and say "don't be silly". If they don't, you'll know they want their wedding to be truly childproof.
And there's the notion of having to expose him to a new set of germs and potentially loud amplification system.
I couldn't remember why we didn't bring our 5 month old to a local wedding and had my parents come up and watch her instead. Now I remember. This was why. Though my husband got a ride with friends and went from the whole day while I stayed at home to pump and then drove there for just the reception.
I literally never thought about nursing at all before I started posting on TN. I didn't have a childfree wedding but there were a few babies there and I had no clue if they were nursing or not.
I also never noticed people NIP before I started nursing myself.
This is where I am. I was a clueless beebee bride. Lol. We didn't invite any kids outside our families, but that was just to keep numbers down, not because we hated kids or anything. None of our friends had kids yet (see beebee bride), so it was just my parents' friends' teenage kids we were excluding.
If we had had a friend who asked about bringing her baby, I can't imagine that we would have said no. I get that the guest list is the prerogative of the B&G (and/or those hosting the wedding), but I didn't really care that much (as long as there weren't screaming babies interrupting the ceremony, but I don't think anyone is suggesting that's a good idea).
There are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to choose to go to a wedding without your baby.
I still don't think it's a _terrible_ thing to bring it to the B&G's attention that it's complicated to leave a nursing baby and you'd rather not. There's a nice way to do it and a not nice way to do it, but generally if you're friends it's pretty easy to find the nice way. And if you're not friends, then it's easy to say "well, not going".
Perfect world for me would be a babysitter in a hotel room so that I could enjoy the post-bedtime party for a few hours. That doesn't always work. I ended up just leaving my brother's wedding right after the meal/toasts, as everyone that would babysit for me was at that wedding. It wasn't really a huge deal for me to ditch when the kids got tired - I knew I'd be up at 6 a.m. so partying was not that attractive.
There are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to choose to go to a wedding without your baby.
I still don't think it's a _terrible_ thing to bring it to the B&G's attention that it's complicated to leave a nursing baby and you'd rather not. There's a nice way to do it and a not nice way to do it, but generally if you're friends it's pretty easy to find the nice way. And if you're not friends, then it's easy to say "well, not going".
Perfect world for me would be a babysitter in a hotel room so that I could enjoy the post-bedtime party for a few hours. That doesn't always work. I ended up just leaving my brother's wedding right after the meal/toasts, as everyone that would babysit for me was at that wedding. It wasn't really a huge deal for me to ditch when the kids got tired - I knew I'd be up at 6 a.m. so partying was not that attractive.
I traveled to a good friend's wedding when M was 4mo. M was invited, but H couldn't go, and I decided not to take an unvaccinated baby on a plane by myself during flu season. I had a stash of frozen milk at that point, and it was nbd. I was happy with my decision but appreciated that I had the option to bring M.
My other friend (the MOH) brought her 2.5yo and 2mo. The reception was in a hotel, and her mom came to stay with the kids. They came to the first part of the reception, then she slipped out to put them to bed, then she came back for the party while her mom stayed with them. (Her H was a good friend of the groom and a GM.)
We went to a wedding when DD was EBF and it was a few hours away. We just brought my mom (got an adjoining room for her) and had her watch DD while we went to the ceremony and reception. H was in the wedding, so I went back to the hotel to nurse after the ceremony and again during the reception. Not ideal, but another option if you want to have some kid-free time but also not have to pump.
Post by autumnfire on Mar 10, 2015 13:13:19 GMT -5
This is really tough. We've been in this situation a few times. Luckily most of them have said adult only reception so there was no guessing work required.
One that wasn't clear, we didn't ask and just sent in the RSVP with a No. Then my MIL asked us why we weren't going and I said we couldn't find accommodations for Anastasia. Because MIL and FIL are our only close family and our sitter had a wedding to attend that weekend. I wasn't about to try out 'new' options at that point, I wouldn't have felt comfortable.
We were told to come to the wedding and cocktail hour with A. Worst decision ever! My husband's aunt was asking my MIL when we were leaving (as soon as cocktail hour started). I was mortified by their behavior. I packed my things and left as soon as I heard that. (Anastasia wasn't being disruptive, she wasn't crying or getting into things (she was only 6mths at the time). I felt so unwelcome and wished I had stuck to my initial we're not going. But MIL laid on the guilt trip by saying they came to ours (7 hrs away) and that it would be unfair if we didn't attend theirs 2 hrs away. Well we have a child to take care of and the only people close to watch her will be at the wedding/weddings. What do you want?
That's life, we weren't mad that kids weren't allowed to come but understand when you put those restrictions in place sometimes it means people may not be able to come.
autumnfire, I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about your husband's aunt, but I am. That is so rude and ridiculous. I'd be in tears.
Regarding the general wedding invitation etiquette debate, my personal experience is so out of whack compared to everyone else's on the internet, it seems. In my husband's culture, and in mine (but to a lesser extent), weddings are *not* just about the bride and groom. It's about families all coming together, so to leave kids out of the celebration is just unheard of. (Says meekly: Come at me, bros.)
autumnfire, I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about your husband's aunt, but I am. That is so rude and ridiculous. I'd be in tears.
Regarding the general wedding invitation etiquette debate, my personal experience is so out of whack compared to everyone else's on the internet, it seems. In my husband's culture, and in mine (but to a lesser extent), weddings are *not* just about the bride and groom. It's about families all coming together, so to leave kids out of the celebration is just unheard of. (Says meekly: Come at me, bros.)
Thanks. I was absolutely pissed. MIL and H's Aunt knew it. Lesson learned. Never again...