Wedding invite question

[Brie]

H and I got a wedding invite today. It was only addressed to the two of us, no kids.

It's a four hour drive, and a good friend of H's, so we want to go. We have already planned to have MIL come stay with C for the weekend. P will be 4.5 months old and likely exclusively nursing. I assume I should probably contact the bride and groom to ask if it's okay to bring him? The nursing infant exception isn't assumed, right?

[noodleoo]

I would ask and not assume that it is okay, mainly based on what I've seen on these boards and the knot. I had a guest ask us about the same for our wedding and I was happy to tell them to bring their baby. It hadn't occured to me when I sent out the invites and I was glad they asked.

[dancingirl21]

Any chance the reception is at a hotel? My SIL was nursing my nephew and they had an out of state wedding. They paid for my other SIL to come and stay in the hotel with the baby while they were at the reception and she went up and nursed a few times.

If that is not an option, I would probably ask if you could wear him since you are nursing. Obviously you would leave if he starts fussing.

[Brie]

Mar 9, 2015 12:28:14 GMT -5 dancingirl21 said:

Any chance the reception is at a hotel? My SIL was nursing my nephew and they had an out of state wedding. They paid for my other SIL to come and stay in the hotel with the baby while they were at the reception and she went up and nursed a few times.

If that is not an option, I would probably ask if you could wear him since you are nursing. Obviously you would leave if he starts fussing.

It's not at a hotel.

[Alyssa]

It sounds like they don't want children at the wedding.

What if you had your MIL come with you and she stayed at the hotel with the kids. You could break away from the wedding every couple hours to feed your baby? I would hate to say to introduce a bottle purely for a wedding, but that's also a possibility.

[Pilsy]

I'd sooner assume they don't want children at the wedding. I wouldn't ask, but I'm definitely in the minority on that, based on the other replies.

[ECB]

Yup, ask.

[hocus2]

I wouldn't make assumptions. They might have cut kids for budget reasons and then a baby wouldn't matter. But if they really want a kid free wedding that would include babies too.

[vanillacourage]

I would assume kids aren't invited. If you ask about it, I'd frame it as inquiring about local child care options, because then they can say "oh, just bring P", or a graceful out to confirm that he's not invited.

[Deleted]

I would not ask. I would assume it's not ok for him to come and wouldn't want to put the b&g in the position of feeling pressured to say yes it's ok when they don't want *any* children.

[justjen]

Mar 9, 2015 14:36:22 GMT -5 @mrsspunky said:

I would not ask. I would assume it's not ok for him to come and wouldn't want to put the b&g in the position of feeling pressured to say yes it's ok when they don't want *any* children.

I agree.

[Deleted]

I would ask.

I don't leave my baby that young. If the answer was "no babies", then I'd send DH alone.

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2015 14:44:54 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Mar 9, 2015 14:39:08 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I would ask.

I don't leave my baby that young. If the answer was "no babies", then I'd send DH alone.

Good for you?  
 Brie is American and works, so she'll already have left her precious for a few hours by that point.  

A few hours isn't overnight?

[Deleted]

I know technically you're not supposed to ask this sort of thing, but some people have absolutely no idea that if you leave kids off an invite, it means they aren't invited. Not everyone is on the knot

[GotWine]

I would ask. You can always frame the question along the lines of " I'll still be nursing P at the time of your wedding and will need to duck out every 2-3 hours to him. Where is the closest hotel to the reception venue so I won't have to miss too much of your wedding? That will give them the opportunity to tell you to just bring him so you don't have to go back and forth so much, or give you a hotel recommendation and you can make your own decision from there.

[Ashley&Scott]

Mar 9, 2015 14:47:27 GMT -5 GotWine said:

I would ask. You can always frame the question along the lines of " I'll still be nursing P at the time of your wedding and will need to duck out every 2-3 hours to him. Where is the closest hotel to the reception venue so I won't have to miss too much of your wedding? That will give them the opportunity to tell you to just bring him so you don't have to go back and forth so much, or give you a hotel recommendation and you can make your own decision from there.

I like this approach.

And I would definitely ask. We're talking about asking good friends not a long lost relative. 

[sparkythelawyer]

Mar 9, 2015 14:47:47 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Mar 9, 2015 14:36:22 GMT -5 @mrsspunky said:

I would not ask. I would assume it's not ok for him to come and wouldn't want to put the b&g in the position of feeling pressured to say yes it's ok when they don't want *any* children.

Y'all are going to hate me for posting this and running (need to work, after all), but I feel like people should be pressured to defend this position.  What can one possibly have against a 4 month old at their wedding, other than wanting a pretty pretty princess day?  I get older kids that may cause a fuss (barely), but this?  It's basically indefensible, unless you think your friends are shitty, oblivious people who will stand there while their baby screams bloody murder and "ruins" your wedding.

Because it's their wedding, their dime, and of they want their pretty fucking princess day they get to have it and you don't have to go if you'd rather sit around judging them.

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2015 14:47:47 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Mar 9, 2015 14:36:22 GMT -5 @mrsspunky said:

I would not ask. I would assume it's not ok for him to come and wouldn't want to put the b&g in the position of feeling pressured to say yes it's ok when they don't want *any* children.

Y'all are going to hate me for posting this and running (need to work, after all), but I feel like people should be pressured to defend this position.  What can one possibly have against a 4 month old at their wedding, other than wanting a pretty pretty princess day?  I get older kids that may cause a fuss (barely), but this?  It's basically indefensible, unless you think your friends are shitty, oblivious people who will stand there while their baby screams bloody murder and "ruins" your wedding.

The bride and groom have the right to invite whomever they choose. It's a free country.
I had a child-free wedding except for our 2 flower girls, one of whom was taken to the hotel by her great aunt (my aunt by marriage's sister) immediately after dinner. We had one couple - a college friend of DH's and his wife - that brought their nursing infant but didn't ask if it was ok. I didn't say a word to them, make a scene or anything but I was not and am not ok with their assumption.

[changedname]

I would ask. We have been invited to 5 (!!) weddings this year so far. None of them said we could bring dd so I just asked. All but 1 is child free except for babes in arms and close family. No issue on our end, either my ils will babysit or H will go on his own. we did get invited to a child free one when dd was 4 months old and H went on his own.

I don't see what is wrong with asking.

[pugz]

Won't he be on bottles at daycare at that point? I'd bring MIL and C if they end up saying no babies. Then leave them at the hotel with bottles and go nurse if nrecessary

[Brie]

He will be on bottles at DC by then. I'm just not really comfortable leaving both kids with MIL overnight yet--C is a handful and P may still be waking several times a night and cluster feeding. Hell, I can barely handle them both myself and I have boobs and know how to bribe C.

We'll see what they say. Neither strikes me as the type to get all worked up about this.

[thefield]

I wouldn't ask. I would have your MIL and both boys come with you to the wedding location. Or find a different sitter for P just during the wedding.

[smm5623]

Definitely do not assume. If you are back at work at that point, some people would assume your EBF baby could be left with a babysitter with no issues and would prefer not to have infants at their wedding.

Eta I also wouldn't ask. I would send my husband alone or suck it up and drive home afterwards.

[6fsn]

No kids on the invite means no kids invited. There is really no assuming anything. I wouldn't ask and I would decline the invite while sending DH.

[ilikedonuts]

We didn't put kids on invites and would have been totally fine with a nursing infant if asked. (We had just flower girls and ringbears at our wedding in the kids category)

I don't think it hurts to ask.

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2015 18:13:19 GMT -5 @starry said:

I would probably just send my husband alone if I didn't want to leave the baby. I would not want to ask although I do agree with LM's UO (I'm non confrontational in my personal life, sometimes to my detriment)

I don't understand why it's an issue every time kid-free weddings come up on this board though. A wedding (reception) is not a public event, it is a private one, and only explicitly invited guests are welcome. The b&g make a decision as to whom to invite, and they and their families (like if parents are paying) are the only ones who can make that decision. It is beyond rude to ask the b&g for additional guests to come whether it is your nursing infant, ff infant, toddler, child, boyfriend or random hookup when the invite doesn't say so. Imo it puts undue pressure on the b&g to say it's ok when it is not their intent to allow any or all of those I listed above to come. It doesn't matter whether they do or do not take up extra space or eat food or whatever. It is simply a matter of the invite being a clear picture as to who is to and not to come.
Likewise, an invitation is not a summons and everyone is free to decline.

In my circle, kids aren't welcome at weddings. They are evening, formal, adult events, period. And that is more than fine with me. I prefer it, both in my pre-baby days and now.

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2015 18:44:30 GMT -5 @starry said:

we don't all have to agree on everything. I am well aware my opinions regarding CF weddings do not match the board majority. Rest assured I have never had this conversation IRL outside of maybe with my own mother, lol.

I know we don't all have to agree but why is this a debate only surrounding weddings?
I don't think I've seen this question about showers, birthday parties, work conferences, holiday parties or anything else to which you'd receive an invitation. Kid not on the invite, kid doesn't come. Again, not a summons.
The argument is usually something like "it's a joining of the families and the kids are family" and that's total bullshit. DH married ME. He didn't marry my Aunt Joan nor did I marry his cousin Abbey. At the end of the day, the marriage is between he and I and the party that day was about us.

May it also be noted that I disagree with siblings "having" to be invited to children's birthday parties, as has been discussed on here. If my DD is invited to a friend/classmate's party, her yet-to-be-conceived siblings won't attend, and I'll be damned if people expect me to invite siblings to my kid's party unless I want to.

[holly116]

I was a reader in a kid free wedding five hours from home last June. We were going to do the same thing, leave the older two with MIL and then take the baby, but it would have caused major drama with my friends extended family if I brought the baby. She didn't care at all, it was more her parents. I couldn't just send DH since it was my friend and it was two nights since I needed to be there for the rehearsal. My kid didn't take a bottle so he was coming to Cleveland with us. Wasn't at a hotel either.

We ended up booking a hotel suite and bringing MIL along. It wasn't ideal, you know, three adults and three kids under four lol, but we made it work because this was a roommate from college and I was going to that wedding. We were a bit late to the reception since it was close enough to the baby's bedtime. We just went after I nursed him to sleep.

And I get why excluding even nursing babies from weddings sucks, having spent a real chunk of time in prime wedding years in that situation. Because sometimes you really want to be there to witness a special event for those close to you and if you can't leave your baby, you can't go. I love leaving my kids now, believe me, but when they're really little, I really can't.

[Brie]

Mar 9, 2015 18:38:27 GMT -5 @mrsspunky said:

Mar 9, 2015 18:13:19 GMT -5 @starry said:

I would probably just send my husband alone if I didn't want to leave the baby. I would not want to ask although I do agree with LM's UO (I'm non confrontational in my personal life, sometimes to my detriment)

I It is beyond rude to ask the b&g for additional guests to come whether it is your nursing infant, ff infant, toddler, child, boyfriend or random hookup when the invite doesn't say so.

Gee, thanks.

The difference between my EBF infant and your cousin's boyfriend is that I am my child's sole food source. I can't hire a wet nurse for the weekend.

[livinitup]

Mar 9, 2015 18:58:33 GMT -5 @mrsspunky said:

Mar 9, 2015 18:44:30 GMT -5 @starry said:

we don't all have to agree on everything. I am well aware my opinions regarding CF weddings do not match the board majority. Rest assured I have never had this conversation IRL outside of maybe with my own mother, lol.

I know we don't all have to agree but why is this a debate only surrounding weddings?
I don't think I've seen this question about showers, birthday parties, work conferences, holiday parties or anything else to which you'd receive an invitation. Kid not on the invite, kid doesn't come. Again, not a summons.
The argument is usually something like "it's a joining of the families and the kids are family" and that's total bullshit. DH married ME. He didn't marry my Aunt Joan nor did I marry his cousin Abbey. At the end of the day, the marriage is between he and I and the party that day was about us.

May it also be noted that I disagree with siblings "having" to be invited to children's birthday parties, as has been discussed on here. If my DD is invited to a friend/classmate's party, her yet-to-be-conceived siblings won't attend, and I'll be damned if people expect me to invite siblings to my kid's party unless I want to.

It's not a debate. It's just reality that brides and grooms don't mind/welcome nursing infants even if they are not on the invite.  So, parents ask.