Intro

[sigir]

I have been lurking for a while and I am finally ready to join in.  I am a late 30s woman w 3 kids aged 10, 1 and 2, a high power/ stress job, and a blended family situation (second marriage, dd10 is from my previous marriage) with a contentious and litigious relationship with my exh.  My dh is currently in school as he is changing careers so I am the sole breadwinner.  So I have a lot of stress right now.

I have always had issues with depression and anxiety, and my 10 years in a co-dependant relationship did not help!  On and off I had severe mental health crises including cutting, drinking to self medicate, one inpatient and long-term outpatient stint and 2 suicide attempts in my mid 20s.  Much of this stemmed from my unhappy marriage but not all.  Post marriage I realized with my psychiatrist at the time that I am borderline personality, which explains my tendency for extreme thoughts, impulsive and destructive behavior and inability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings.  I have gone to aa a few times in my life when my drinking was out of control but always came to the conclusion that I was not an alcoholic, just self-medicating.  I also have a family history of mental illness and addiction in my immediate family.  I have been doing ok mentally for the past 5-6 years and have been off medication since I started ttc my now 2.5 year old.  

Over the past 6-12 months I have been abusing alcohol to cope with stress.  This came to a head in december, as my dh and I were fighting really knock down drag out over a court case with my exh (this is one of the few sources of stress in my marriage).  My drinking was out of control in December, but again I categorized it as self medication, not addiction.  I am ashamed about it.  

On January 1 I decided to stop drinking because I recognized that addition or not it was just making things worse.  Then I went on an international business trip and drinking is so ubiquitous over there I picked it up again... and I realized, I am an addict.  I can not justify it away anymore as self medicating.  it is what it is, and I can not have it ever again.  

I have been sober for 18 days.  Today was the first time that I really really had an urge to drink.  The stress on multiple levels was so high, I justified it by saying it would be ok to just do it this one time.  Yesterday I noticed that there is a bottle of wine left in the basement that I missed when I got rid of it all.  But I am proud of myself that I sat with the stress, and after 72 minutes I felt better.  So I am learning that bad feelings pass over time, it is ok to sit with the bad feelings, I do not need to numb them away.  It has been easier in some ways not to drink than I anticipated... going to events that I would usually get wasted at and being sober is not too bad.  

I have an apt in 6 days to get back on meds.  I know that will help.

So that is me in a nutshell.  I am happy to join the group and look forward to getting to know you all better.  I hope I can add value, too.  

[phoenixrising]

XO

Welcome to the board!

[flex]

Hi and welcome!

[mel]

Welcome!

[malibu]

Welcome! I hope you're able to get to AA meetings. Major hugs and good thoughts to you.

Also, you are in a really good place to recognize that you have an addiction. That's further than many people make it! Way to go

[Deleted]

Hey. Glad you found us! Welcome. We are a really supportive (and honest) bunch.

[btay]

Welcome and congratulations on 18 days, you are off to a great start

[lovelovelove]

Hi! It's so good you're here!

[sigir]

Thanks everybody for the warm welcome! I am really happy to be joining and over the past week I think I read the entire forum so feel like I know you guys already (kind of). I have zero free time but bookmarked an online aa meeting to try. Anyone ever done online meetings?

[flex]

I've done online meetings but I prefer the face-to-face interactions and fellowship.

[sigir]

I decided I am going to try to find a meeting close to work bc I need it. Thanks for the gentle push in the right direction!

[Deleted]

I've done online meetings if I'm awake at 3 a.m. bothered by something. The warmth of the fellowship and sharing with people I know is far more satisfying in person.

I do know women who travel for work and use online meetings when out of town.