I need friend advice. :(

[snipsnsnails]

If you don't remember or didn't see, 2.5 weeks ago I was rather unceremoniously and not altogether kindly laid off from my job. There was nothing scandalous - they blamed it on budgeting stuff, so nothing on my end. I wasn't embezzling funds or anything. Ha!

My DH is close friends with my soon-to-be former boss and I am pretty much best friends with his wife. Our families have been friends for years - BBQs, football Sundays, gym buddies, beach goers, etc. you name it. So, close.

Because this was a non-profit org., there is also a board who administratively helped and were privy to this decision. It's made up of 5 people plus the boss. These people are close friends as well.

Since I've been laid off, only 1 person on the board has reached out to me to express that he's sorry this had to happen and he's available to talk or listen or whatever. A super classy move and something I expected from my friends, even if they're playing dual roles as a professional people and friends.

I didn't hear from my BFF until an e-mail 2 days ago that only said, "Hey, wanted to make sure you have a date night this month. Send some dates for our babysitting swap." So, pretending as if nothing has happened and going on like normal.

I can't help but be a little put off and a bit sad about how everyone is pretending as if this isn't something really hard for our family. Do you think I should be sad that our friends haven't reached out as friends to talk? Or just expect that it's awkward for them and give them a pass? And how should I respond to my friend?

[jaylea]

I am guessing there is some guilt involved, and that she doesn't know what to say. Not that it makes it okay.

I would give them a pass, I guess. I am non-confrontational though.

So sorry about your job.

[cleo29]

I think it is an awkward situation, but they could have done what the other board member did. If you know it was not about your job performance and they know that, they should be able to say something. It would be more awkward if you were a lazy ass and that was why you were fired.

I'm sorry, snips.

[peekay]

I'd give them an awkward pass. Maybe when you reach out to your friend you could make a reference to it and give her an open to respond with something? Like "I miss you, I've been a little down lately. Too bad things had to happen this way"etc.

[jaylea]

And I'm going to add that she is probably feeling like she's stuck in the middle here. I know you were laid off, but from her perspective, her H just "fired" her BFF. So she probably doesn't know if you're angry, or resentful or what.

[cleo29]

Aug 10, 2012 12:19:43 GMT -5 frkls said:

OR you can be hilariously passive-aggressive about it and say, "i'll have to get back to you. i'm not sure we're going to be able to afford date night this month. maybe you haven't heard but i lost my job unexpectedly."

that would be so terrible and awesome

You are so bad. lol

Booby, we are the same way in our friendships.

Snips, if she asks you how you're doing, perhaps just say "well, it's been a rough couple of weeks, as you might imagine, but I'm hanging in there." or something and then see what she says. Perhaps she doesn't know how to start the conversation or say something and just needs you to open the door for her.

[mkesweetie]

I don't know that I'd be willing to let my BFF take a pass on something so huge. She should have reached out.

Good friends are hard to come by, and like any other relationship I think it's important to be honest with her. If I were you, I'd probably call her in response to the email and tell her how you're feeling. This just doesn't seem like one of those things you can pretend didn't happen and move beyond w/o ever addressing it..

[snipsnsnails]

I don't know if it's anger or exhaustion or sadness or what, but I am sort of in a place where I don't want to have to be the one to open the door or overlook things. I know that's not altogether right, but it's where I am honestly, I think.

I want our friends to react kindly and lovingly and to not have to be disappointed when they haven't or don't. All in all, I want life to be fair when it decidedly is not.

[cleo29]

Aug 10, 2012 12:26:00 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

I don't know if it's anger or exhaustion or sadness or what, but I am sort of in a place where I don't want to have to be the one to open the door or overlook things. I know that's not altogether right, but it's where I am honestly, I think.

I want our friends to react kindly and lovingly and to not have to be disappointed when they haven't or don't. All in all, I want life to be fair when it decidedly is not.

it is always sad when you realize that your friends do not behave or treat you the way you would treat them.

[sprky79]

I think if she was really a friend she would acknowledge what happened to you.

[cbwm1]

Aug 10, 2012 12:19:43 GMT -5 frkls said:

OR you can be hilariously passive-aggressive about it and say, "i'll have to get back to you. i'm not sure we're going to be able to afford date night this month. maybe you haven't heard but i lost my job unexpectedly."

that would be so terrible and awesome

This was my immediate thought. "sorry, we won't be going out any time soon. I don't know if you know, but I no longer have a job and things are pretty tight financially right now. Thanks for thinking of us, though!"

[sugarplum]

Aug 10, 2012 12:19:43 GMT -5 frkls said:

OR you can be hilariously passive-aggressive about it and say, "i'll have to get back to you. i'm not sure we're going to be able to afford date night this month. maybe you haven't heard but i lost my job unexpectedly."

that would be so terrible and awesome

This was my first thought.

Then I thought I would probably give her the awkward pass.

[sugarplum]

Aug 10, 2012 12:26:00 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

I don't know if it's anger or exhaustion or sadness or what, but I am sort of in a place where I don't want to have to be the one to open the door or overlook things. I know that's not altogether right, but it's where I am honestly, I think.

I want our friends to react kindly and lovingly and to not have to be disappointed when they haven't or don't. All in all, I want life to be fair when it decidedly is not.

I get this completely.

[Tacocat]

She probably feels awkward and doesn't know how to bring it up. I'm guessing she sent the email to let you know that nothing has changed with your friendship. She should've acknowledged what happened, but I'd be inclined to give her a pass. Maybe you two could meet for coffee/dinner/etc? She might be more inclined to mention it in person rather than email.

[papie]

It's awkward for them, but I would be sad. I'm sorry snips

[daisyheadmaizie]

While the situation is super awkward, you would think that being your BFF she would at least be like, "hey, I know things are really crappy right now. I'm here if you need to talk." I'm sorry that she isn't being more supportive when you really need it. It is awful to feel let down by a friend in a time you really, truly need them.

[Deleted]

i'd be very hurt for the exact reason you describe. you want people to be their best selves, and when they're not, it's disappointing. when they're not in a way that is hurtful to you, it's doubly hurtful.

i'd say something direct and short in the response about how this has been a difficult time, and you would really appreciate support. i'm sure that it's very awkward for them and they are tip-toeing around unsure of what to do. that doesn't excuse them, but it does explain. let them know that you still love them as people, but are hurting, and hope that they will respond in kind.

[dana2006]

I'm so sorry to hear about your job, Snips (}) I had no idea (haven't been on here for a few weeks). What a tough break. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Regarding your friends' disappointing behavior, I wonder if they hadn't said anything b/c they didn't want to give any indication that they were to blame. Maybe they thought that by acknowledging your situation, they inevitably have to claim some responsibility? At this point, it's all conjecture though. Would you feel comfortable to open up to your BFF and tell her straight up that you're in a difficult place and felt let down by her hitherto silence? She's probably been guessing at your feelings and you're now guessing her thought process. There could be a lot of room for misunderstanding and avoidable hurt feelings. I would not be able to overlook her behavior, and imo the only way to move forward is to air things out, and she needs to hear what you've been going through.

(((hugs)))

[Cayl]

I wouldn't be able to give it a pass. Yes, it's an awkward situation but she's your BFF. That is someone that you need to be able to count on and turn to in tough times. Knowing what happened she should have absolutely reached out to you. She doesn't have to get in the middle of it, but just saying "are you okay? I'm here if you need me" goes a long way.

I would respond and say that you would like to take this month off. Say that you're depressed about the job situation, and that quite frankly you're upset that only one person bothered to reach out to you when everything went down. I would say "I know this is an awkward situation for everyone, but I just expected my friends to at least reach out to me. I just need a little break right now" and see how she responds. That way you're not closing the door on your friendship, but you're definitely letting her know that you're disappointed in her.

I'm sorry

[DefenseAgainstTheDarkArts22]

I've been on the other side. I was the one that stayed while a friend was fired for performance. It was all kinds of awkward originally not know if she was mad that I was still there and she wasn't. We did end up talking about it but it was not something I wanted to bring up as the first thing when I spoke to her after.

[celeste]

Yeah, I don't think I'd be able to let it go either. If she's truly your closest friend, I would have expected her to say something, at the very least a check-in after it happened to see how you were doing. She has to know you have a level head on your shoulders and that you wouldn't have put her in the middle of something uncomfortable. I think I'd err on the side of honesty here (focusing, of course, on you and your feelings rather than blaming her) and see where the cards fall. Sorry you're going through this. The layoff stuff is stressful enough without the friend stress thrown in.

[eightangryreindeer]

Ugh my heart is just breaking for you.

It does suck that she didn't reach out specifically (and a hell of a lot sooner) about your being laid off. I assume there isn't a chance in hell that she doesn't know?

I think she's testing the waters. She's stuck now between two loyalties, her friend and her husband. She doesn't know if you never want to see either of them ever again.

It's going to be inevitably awkward for the rest of your lives if you stay friends with this couple.

What does your husband say? Has his friend spoken to him about it? Said he was sorry it had to happen this way?

For me... I think I'd have to end the friendship. There's no way I could just see them and eat shit every time. No way.

You know how I feel about hashing things out over e-mail (not a fan), I'd call her and tell her how you feel... because honestly I think the party's over anyway and you need to say things.

[sonrisa]

Snips - I don't have any advice. I just want to send you a hug. I hope things get easier.

[Deleted]

Don't listen to me, but I'm very pro-scorched earth. At least for the near term. Fuck them all.

[Marle]

Aug 10, 2012 15:37:04 GMT -5 eightangryreindeer said:

Ugh my heart is just breaking for you.

It does suck that she didn't reach out specifically (and a hell of a lot sooner) about your being laid off. I assume there isn't a chance in hell that she doesn't know?

I think she's testing the waters. She's stuck now between two loyalties, her friend and her husband. She doesn't know if you never want to see either of them ever again.

It's going to be inevitably awkward for the rest of your lives if you stay friends with this couple.

What does your husband say? Has his friend spoken to him about it? Said he was sorry it had to happen this way?

For me... I think I'd have to end the friendship. There's no way I could just see them and eat shit every time. No way.

You know how I feel about hashing things out over e-mail (not a fan), I'd call her and tell her how you feel... because honestly I think the party's over anyway and you need to say things.

See this is what I think would happen to me. Although I'd probably fall into the worst case scenario of just letting it die of awkwardness. So you need to decide what's most important to you and act accordingly.

[HiC]

I'm sorry snips. I wouldn't be able to not say anything. I'd also be very bummed that only one of my very good friends reached out to me....that's the part that would piss me off the most. I'd probably just put it out there and say so, "I'm hurt and there's no denying it. So let's talk about it and move on."

[pantsparty]

Aw, snips. I'm so sorry. H has a few friends that have really let him down and it breaks my heart. It doesn't help that I get really pissed and go all, "Fuck those fuckholes! Right in the ear! They're not worth your time!"

I guess I don't know if I could set a date because then I'd be stressed about if whether it is going to be mentioned or if everyone is going to pretend it didn't happen.

[lostlenore]

Aug 10, 2012 13:55:46 GMT -5 Cayl said:

I wouldn't be able to give it a pass. Yes, it's an awkward situation but she's your BFF. That is someone that you need to be able to count on and turn to in tough times. Knowing what happened she should have absolutely reached out to you. She doesn't have to get in the middle of it, but just saying "are you okay? I'm here if you need me" goes a long way.

I would respond and say that you would like to take this month off. Say that you're depressed about the job situation, and that quite frankly you're upset that only one person bothered to reach out to you when everything went down. I would say "I know this is an awkward situation for everyone, but I just expected my friends to at least reach out to me. I just need a little break right now" and see how she responds. That way you're not closing the door on your friendship, but you're definitely letting her know that you're disappointed in her.

I'm sorry

I'm just a lurker (but I'm trying to post more!), but I think that this is really good advice!