And one more thing, it's incredibly easy for people to swan in here all " I would NEVAR question something like this, because I ALWAYS give the benefit of the doubt" when you haven't been here giving money to people or causes that don't exist, crying over their lost kids or abuses that never happened. Nobody needs to "look at where the urge to question the story" came from. Anybody who spent a signifigant amount of time on here knows where it came from.
I'm not dumbing down anything. Not everything needs to be said, and sometimes it's best to just keep things to yourself. I have been around for a long time. Long enough to know all the posters you're referencing in and it doesn't change how I feel. And yes, there is unnecessary drama here sometimes, to deny that is absurd.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Mar 27, 2015 7:40:40 GMT -5
I've only offered support in your threads, nailbiter, but I did express that one of your more recent posts that brought up even more tragedy struck me as being catfishy.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss and I can't imagine the grief you're experiencing, but it's really important to give and take on a message board full of women who largely haven't met each other face-to-face.
You're almost always going to get support even if you don't, but people will notice if you are only posting about yourself, particularly if it's always tragic. No one expects you not to share, especially if it's helping you, but we have a number of women who have experienced horrific losses who nonetheless contribute in other ways.
I'm sorry your feelings were hurt and I hope you stick around to become a true member of the community.
I'm not dumbing down anything. Not everything needs to be said, and sometimes it's best to just keep things to yourself. I have been around for a long time. Long enough to know all the posters you're referencing in and it doesn't change how I feel. And yes, there is unnecessary drama here sometimes, to deny that is absurd.
Of course this board has drama. I've created a bunch myself. Lol. But questioning the veracity of a poster happens a lot, because the internet is so anonymous; and I don't blame those who do or think they need to evaluate where those thoughts come from. We KNOW where those thoughts stem from, and it's only natural to wonder. This board is fantastic for support when you need it; it is also a great learning experience for realizing how the perceptions of others work. If we gave that up and censored everything, that would be lost, which would be terrible, IMO. One of the best things about ML is its propensity to knock you down once in a while, and its equally valuable habit of picking you up again and dusting you off. I would hate to lose that.
I totally agree Lucy. Questioning is normal and okay, although someone could have done it via pm or deleted their comment after because if by chance they were wrong this is incredibly hurtful.
I've tried a couple groups for widows in general, and leave feeling worse than when I went. They all give me the pity eyes. Treat me like I'm their child. Because at my age, I could be.
I also left feeling jealous. They got 40+ years with their husbands. In that respect, all widows aren't the same.
Ain't that the truth! I hope you find a group you click with (but I hope you hang out here, too!) (((@nailbiter101)))
I'm sorry, nailbiter. As one who had doubts, I apologize for hurting you.
One of the great things about this board is the history we share, and the support we provide each other. I completely understand that your loss is all consuming right now. But the fact that you only ever posted about your H's passing raised some red flags for me, having been burned in the past.
I do encourage you to keep posting here. I think that participating in other posts might help you on several levels- it might allow people to get to know you better, enabling us to support you better. It might help take your mind off of what is happening in your life right now, even for a brief moment. It might allow you to learn from others here- like Flexie- who have been through what you have.
Post by schitzengiggles on Mar 27, 2015 8:27:28 GMT -5
I believe in that thread I mentioned that I wondered as well..but shortly after that somebody vouched for you (I think?) and I felt like crap. And now reading all this...I would like to say I'm sorry. I would rather be more supportive and risk being wrong, than be an ass like that, and be wrong :-(
I do hope you will stick around. The doubts of a few people were not anything personal - just a result of the past causing hyper-suspicion.
Post by Alwaysabridesmaidf on Mar 27, 2015 8:35:01 GMT -5
I'm so sorry your feelings were hurt and for all you are going through. I hope that you stick around. Even if you don't want to contribute other than venting. I don't think I have ever responded to one of your posts because I just can't find the right words to say. But I am here if you ever need to talk, vent, cry, scream. Whatever.
Post by captainobvious on Mar 27, 2015 8:56:34 GMT -5
I'm sorry nailbiter. Like others, I do hope you continue to post and know that you can use this place as an outlet whenever you need to. It really can be an incredible group of people.
I am so sorry nailbiter. There are a few decent women here but most of them are bitches who enjoy other's pain and suffering. I hope you continue your therapy and find a support group that can help you heal. Don't look to this place for kindness and understanding. ((hugs))
I am so sorry nailbiter. There are a few decent women here but most of them are bitches who enjoy other's pain and suffering. I hope you continue your therapy and find a support group that can help you heal. Don't look to this place for kindness and understanding. ((hugs))
Hang in there, nailbiter. There are other widows here, as you've seen, and a lot of caring people. I know it probably feels like you've laid yourself bare in front of us, but sometimes small talk can build up to real connections. Participate in our pointless threads; it passes time and might make things not so bad for a moment or two.
I am so sorry nailbiter. There are a few decent women here but most of them are bitches who enjoy other's pain and suffering. I hope you continue your therapy and find a support group that can help you heal. Don't look to this place for kindness and understanding. ((hugs))
I don't think doubt requires apology. I think skepticism is healthy, especially with unlikely circumstances.
I'm sorry you're mourning nailbiter, and sorry that it's so hard to do what you want do/be how you want to be, but doing it/discussing it with strangers who don't share your experience or know you still seems odd to me.
well, i wasnt going to say it - but she is right. it's like going to a bar looking for AA support. if you look i the wrong place, you'll be disappointed, a la what is happening to nailbitier.
and i'm not commenting here to be malicious, i've just never understood when people are surprised that an online message board of people who are essentially faceless and nameless, for the most part, isn't the quality support group they need. this is not new information.
I get what you and Astrid are saying. I just hate seeing someone kicked while they are (extremely) down.
As I said in my OP, I'm sorry that I don't participate much. Until you've lost someone so close to you, you can't understand how all consuming it is. I get that people CAN'T understand this until it happens to them. That's part of why it's so incredibly lonely and isolating.
We're trying to tell you that you're not alone here. We've lost parents, spouses, children, siblings... there are a lot of us that know grief.
Quite honestly, you might be better off looking for a grief support forum online. Their tone is much different than here.
I am so sorry nailbiter. There are a few decent women here but most of them are bitches who enjoy other's pain and suffering. I hope you continue your therapy and find a support group that can help you heal. Don't look to this place for kindness and understanding. ((hugs))
I disagree. There's tons of kindness, understanding and love on ML.
You have a right to your opinion, and I have a right to mine.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Because you came out of nowhere, there was no context. I'll admit to being suspicious of that; I didn't understand why you would choose us apropos of nothing. I don't think you owe us any apologies, but I also don't think we can be blamed for our mindset. We maybe could have gone about that better and I'm sorry you had to read that, but that's the nature of this board and has been for 10+ years. You've gotten a ton of support here. I hope you choose to focus on that instead of the negativity.
I did post a few times prior to this. I just don't stand out much, never have in real life either. Nobody noticed me until tragedy struck, which then apparently meant I was fake.
Honestly, no one stands out until they've been around for awhile and post consistently. Or else something happens to make them stand out. It's not that no one noticed you until you posted about the loss of your husband that raised people's suspicions. It's that this board wasn't a source of communication or comfort or commiseration at all for you until just recently.
This is a great place to get support and you've gotten a lot of it. But reciprocation is the name of the game here in terms of being a part of the community.
And even then not everyone is going to like you and not everyone is going to believe you and not everyone is going to support you. Just like in the real world. The trick is to focus on the people who do and to give it back in return.
Like I said before, I do understand grief and loss as do many people here. Take the time to get to know people here and you will find the people who do understand from having experienced the loss of a child or a spouse or a parent. And there will be less suspicion. People are always going to weigh in on the topics that interest them (you will almost always find me in Ebola, Disney, and AA posts) but we post in a lot of other threads too and that's how you build community. We all still call each other out on our shit, but there is incredible support and love here too.
I am so sorry nailbiter. There are a few decent women here but most of them are bitches who enjoy other's pain and suffering. I hope you continue your therapy and find a support group that can help you heal. Don't look to this place for kindness and understanding. ((hugs))
I am fairly new and find this not true at all! Of course there are some a little more "snarky" than others. Sometimes there are pile on's but it would be boring if everybody was sticky sweet all the time. Sometimes you need internet strangers to tell you like it is, in my opinion. I have lurked a lot more than posted, and have sometimes been a little nervous after seeing some of the "meanness" but honestly its usually deserved. You do have to be careful on the internet, and you will run up on catfish, but me personally I would rather err on the side of caution just in case so I don't cause a poster pain. BUT, there is so much nice here too, and I have saw some wonderful examples of them coming to the help of each other.
I personally have started slow, but hope if I ever need support I can find it here.
I'm sorry your upset nailbiter, I honestly have always though you were real, and have prayed for you many times. I hope you don't leave, and are also able to find a support group for your grief.
I know I'm not a regular her, but Tamb, this is really generally untrue of you guys. Other than the random jerk (bluesbaby) most of you are very caring people. I have sat back and witnessed the kindness towards other posters in rough times. There is a great sense of community here and I think it is more than fair to be skeptical of new posters that seem to come out of the woodwork with what appears to be drama
nailbiter101you have to understand what these posters have been through. They have absolutely been catfished so bad they gave money to a person. And trust me, that takes a lot of trust on their part to get to that point. Their guard is up and with due reason.
Having said that, my sister lost her son and then a year later her husband. It is tragic and one thing I have learned is that people process grief differently. She has been so strong most of the time but other days she just falls apart. No one ever judges her for that and we all know we can not even fathom the grief she is feeling. You do need to find a support system whether through just therapy or through forums with women who share the common experience. I will tell you that what has made my sister get through each day is realizing she has children who still need her and a life to still lead. Day by day she has put normal things back in her life. It doesn't mean a day doesn't go by that she doesn't feel pain, but she also knows she can find strength in the normal things of life and the people around her.
Perhaps this board can provide to you that tiny step into a few moments without grief or pain. Or maybe just a brief distraction. ML is always here to support you but remember this is a community with lots to share.
I've been posting with a lot of these ladies for at least 12 (omg!) years and while I consider myself a regular, you can see that my post count isn't overly huge for being a regular. But I know in my heart that if I needed support, these ladies would be here for me in an instant. New posters, in genera,l are going to raise eyebrows for awhile, simply because of past catfish situations. It isn't anything personal, it's just us having our guard up.
Again, I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. And while I haven't experienced a loss like yours, I am more than willing to "listen" if you just need someone to "talk" to.
I hope you find some support from people in similar situations either local or online to help you through what we can't.
A few people had recommended YWBB to me before. I found it and posted there. But, they recently shut down their boards.
I'm just throwing that out there to let you all know that it's not that I haven't tried to find other support.
I've lurked around here for a long time, posting occasionally. I should have posted more. I get that. I guess I came here because it has been my "distraction" for a while, even before my life went to shit.
Look, no one is trying to tell you you shouldn't post here. Really.
And it's okay if you didn't post actively before because all of us start as newbs.
People are just offering suggestions as to how to really be a part of things. And there are women who have responded to your posts telling you that they have lost their spouses or their children; reaching out to them may help you too.
I don't think doubt requires apology. I think skepticism is healthy, especially with unlikely circumstances.
I'm sorry you're mourning nailbiter, and sorry that it's so hard to do what you want do/be how you want to be, but doing it/discussing it with strangers who don't share your experience or know you still seems odd to me.
OMFG. No. Really. We give people who are hurting hair pats. I think you know this. OMFG. Did you miss the part where she said she's trying to find irl support, too? The struck out part was beyond unnecessary.
I wasn't expecting much except a place to post how I was feeling. I know that you guys don't know me. I wasn't expecting anything beyond that. But, I wasn't expecting the catfish suspicions. Truly, I wish I was just catfishing. I think that's why it stings. Every day I wake up and hope for a few seconds that this isn't actually my reality.
I'm not going to deactivate or anything. I probably just won't say much about my situation anymore. I'm not trying to be "woe is me", but I get that that's how it sounds. It is hard. I am at that point where it seems like the people IRL are tired of hearing about it too. I don't know what I am supposed to do.
I think was the hardest point for me. At some point, their worlds had moved on, and I was still struggling to process what had happened to my reality, so I wasn't ready to move forward. I'm really sorry, and I hate that you feel that you aren't comfortable here anymore. I will agree that engaging in the mundane stuff is a good way to become more a part of the board, and it is also good practice for dealing with everyday randomness IRL.
Agreed. Same with posting on this board. I came to the point where I realized until a person has actually gone through something themselves, people will never completely understand what you're going through. They may sympathize and want to help you, but they do not completely get it. Grief is a highly personal thing--you "own" it. And even if you have gone through it, it's still a personal thing you still have to deal with internally.
One thing that helped me was to try to take a very short break from focusing on my pain to focus on someone or some thing--even just for five minutes. Eventually I was able to stretch five minutes into 30 minutes; into a day; a week, etc.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny