Marriage/relationship rut

[bab]

Have you ever experienced this? Lots of snippy behavior. Nearly everything the other person does is annoying. Etc etc.

How does one get beyond this in a very long term relationship?

[cleo29]

We've had periods of this, but I don't remember them lasting long and generally there is other stuff behind it.

I think try talking it out when you are not in an argument because you are less likely to be overly defensive.

[bab]

Time apart is probably the last thing we need. We are apart most of the time due to work schedules etc.

[cleo29]

Aug 11, 2012 21:38:21 GMT -5 bab said:

Time apart is probably the last thing we need. We are apart most of the time due to work schedules etc.

then a weekend away, just the two of you.

[bab]

Aug 11, 2012 21:37:58 GMT -5 frkls said:

for me, it seems like our relationship is cyclical and in times like that it is just a matter of waiting it out.

i'm so proactive. lol

LOL
this is my usual strategy

[ElizabethBennet]

DH and I have experienced that. He went away for 2.5 months (military) and while it sucked ass most of the time it was really really good for us. Obviously, most people can't do this but even a weekend away by yourself would be good.

Soon after DH got home we had a really long talk that didn't come about because of an argument. I just told him calmly how I was feeling, tried to state it as unemotionally as I could so there would be no defensiveness on his part. Since then things have been a lot better. Him being gone also made me realize how much he does for us as a family and how much I appreciate him (and I think it did the same for him) that it was easier to not be as snippy.

ETA: Oops, just saw where you said you guys already spend a lot of time apart. Disregard most of what I said then .

[eddy]

Weekend away

Good food, good drink, extra sleep seems to help us.

[bab]

Aug 11, 2012 21:39:14 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Aug 11, 2012 21:38:21 GMT -5 bab said:

Time apart is probably the last thing we need. We are apart most of the time due to work schedules etc.

then a weekend away, just the two of you.

This probably won't happen anytime soon just due to logistics. It s very difficult for us to go anywhere without our kids :N:

[peekay]

First step to feeling better is apologize if you've been aggressive in any way. Even if he sucks so bad right now and you just want him to go away, he probably thinks you're the snippy one. So own up to your part and see if that softens the tone of your interactions, maybe it will get him to own his share too. Also some brief time apart helps. Sometimes just fake it till you make it, sometimes you just need to be polite to each other.

I am of course talking about minor infractions like chewing weirdly and leaving a dirty cup in the sink, not anything abusive or the like.

[Deleted]

You guys need to re-group and clean the slate. We go they periods like this sometimes and we now realize we only have these when we aren't listening to each other. One of us always has to step up, ignore the bitching and make it better. Ex: we r nitpicking. I give LO his bah and put him to bed. When I get done my DH has cleaned the kitchen, poured my wine and has my favorite show cued up. He realized I'm stressed and he needs to take care of me. You guys need to do this for each other. I'm drunk. I hope this makes sense. Lol!!

[saraandmichael]

We were in a very long, difficult rut. It was so awful and I was really afraid that we weren't going to come out on the other end together.

We had a very open discussion about our options regarding staying together or having two households. We spoke about what the other needs in terms of a relationship and life in general. And for some reason we actually listened and put into action what the other person was saying.

After that we took a vacation together (maybe six months later?) and it really rejuvenated us. We connected, had fun together, and just relaxed. And we've been doing so much better ever since.

Its been almost a year since we had that scary talk, but I am so glad we did.

Email me any time if you want to chat. And sorry you're in this place.

xo

[cleo29]

Aug 11, 2012 21:42:44 GMT -5 bab said:

Aug 11, 2012 21:39:14 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

then a weekend away, just the two of you.

This probably won't happen anytime soon just due to logistics. It s very difficult for us to go anywhere without our kids

Ok, I don't know anything here, but here it goes anyway. I think you should seriously try to find a way. You two being in a good place is important for your girls and your family as a whole. On top of the normal stresses that any family faces, you also have some additional ones having a child with special needs (is that the right term? I don't want to offend you!) and that, i would imagine, can be extra tough. So maybe not a weekend, but start with one night away at a hotel in the city. Do something where you can enjoy a nice meal, actually talk to each other and then get to sleep in the next morning.

You are such an amazing mom.

[bonquiqui]

I think that this is completely normal in a healthy relationship. I think you just maybe need to sit down and talk, and think about how far you have come as a couple. Figure out if there is something missing, because in day to day life, sometimes things become hectic, and you need to rediscover each other. I know it sounds lame, but I totally think it is normal.

[bab]

Aug 11, 2012 21:47:54 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Aug 11, 2012 21:42:44 GMT -5 bab said:

This probably won't happen anytime soon just due to logistics. It s very difficult for us to go anywhere without our kids

Ok, I don't know anything here, but here it goes anyway. I think you should seriously try to find a way. You two being in a good place is important for your girls and your family as a whole. On top of the normal stresses that any family faces, you also have some additional ones having a child with special needs (is that the right term? I don't want to offend you!) and that, i would imagine, can be extra tough. So maybe not a weekend, but start with one night away at a hotel in the city. Do something where you can enjoy a nice meal, actually talk to each other and then get to sleep in the next morning.

You are such an amazing mom.

You are so sweet Cleo. That is the right term. It's hard to offend me anyway

[cleo29]

Aug 11, 2012 21:57:33 GMT -5 bab said:

Aug 11, 2012 21:47:54 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Ok, I don't know anything here, but here it goes anyway. I think you should seriously try to find a way. You two being in a good place is important for your girls and your family as a whole. On top of the normal stresses that any family faces, you also have some additional ones having a child with special needs (is that the right term? I don't want to offend you!) and that, i would imagine, can be extra tough. So maybe not a weekend, but start with one night away at a hotel in the city. Do something where you can enjoy a nice meal, actually talk to each other and then get to sleep in the next morning.

You are such an amazing mom.

You are so sweet Cleo. That is the right term. It's hard to offend me anyway

Phew! ;D

[bab]

Sex life is so-so Frkls. It still exists but there is little/ no emotion (for me at least). I know men rarely care about that aspect.

[Doc_Lobster]

Make a conscious effort to be nice and loving even when he is irritating, and just wait it out. It does pass.

[flex]

Can the two of you go out for dinner and just talk? Talk to each other like maybe not even as husband and wife, but as two friends. Just get it all out. Heck, maybe even make a list, ya know? So something tangible comes out of your dinner conversation.

[drrn04]

Yes, we've been there. It sucks.

I'll third (fourth?) the time away suggestions. Even if it is just one night at a really nice hotel and the whole following day (no running home at 8 am - enjoy the morning, sleep in, have morning sex, go out to breakfast, go shopping together (complement each other on what you pick/try on, even if you don't buy anything), eat a late lunch, go see a movie, you get the picture). Figure out a way to make it happen. Is there anyone at all who could watch them overnight, just for one night? Maybe 2 people who could do it together? And if they aren't available for the whole escape, maybe see if someone else (a normal sitter the girls are used to, maybe?) could take over the next morning.

H and I were stuck and strapped for $$ a few years back, and couldn't swing a whole week away, or even the weekend. My mom came up, and he booked a dinner and hotel room at a super nice casino downtown. We left around 4 pm, and came home around lunch the next day completely refreshed. We did some talking over dinner, and that helped immensely. Just to talk, and not accuse, and really help the other person see where you were coming from.

In the meantime, one of my friends told me when I was going through a similar rut, fake it. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but put on a smile, bite your tongue when you want to pick at him (trust, I know how hard that is), and just force yourself to be pleasant. Your change in demeanor may soften his as well, and help you both get to a better place to talk, and lay it out there without being accusatory or defensive.

(((((big hugs)))))) to you. PM me and I can shoot you an email if you like, or just listen.

[peekay]

A simple strategy we use sometimes is just to say "tone" when the other person is being snippy. It heads these fights off at the pass: "where the fuck are my shoes, I'm late!!". "how the fuck should I know?". "didn't you JUST CLEAN HERE?". "maybe you should PUT YOUR SHOES IN THE CLOSET!!". Etc etc.

Now it's "where the fuck are my shoes, I'm late!!". "tone". "sorry, I'm feeling panicked. Have you seen my shoes?"

[natsnow]

This is going to sound super cheesetastic, but reading the book " the five love languages" really changed my perspective on things. It helped us communicate better and more lovingly. Some of it seems more common sense, dur sometimes we need to be reminded

[tdk]

yup.
And it just seems to build and build sometimes.

I feel like I find a correlation between times where we rarely have sex or when I feel like he doesn't find me attractive as he's not complimenting or reaching out and then I get snippier and snippier.

Sometimes more sex fixes it for awhile.

That seems to be hard to do once having akid though, let alone 2.

And yes, you are an amazing mom. I do hope to meet you one day.