Today is the day that I admit it.

[scaredsoberae]

C& P from ML where I originally posted. The ladies over there told me to come here and I had no idea this place was here:

This is an AE because it’s taken a ton of courage to even admit this out loud. I feel numb even typing this out.

I think I’m an alcoholic. Wait. I know I am. I’m a mother of 2 wonderful small kids and I have guilt every morning after I drink. Not because I do anything horrible to them or that I black out. (I know excuses) I actually remember everything I do, but it’s what I am not doing that bothers me. I don’t engage them because I am spending the first hour of drinking hiding evidence before my husband gets home from work. At first, when things were spinning out of control, I thought “its just beer and I only drink 2-3 times a week. I am not an alcoholic.” But then I got real with myself this weekend. We had a great time with family and friends and of course beer & champagne was there. The party was over at 5pm but I kept going. I even kept drinking at home after we put the kids to bed. My husband didn’t know because I hide the bottles in a secret hiding spot. Matter of fact, I wait until trash day until I discard them so that he cannot see them in the trash can. On average, I drink 8-10 beers a night every 2- 3 days. My husband thinks I only have a couple but he doesn’t really know that I am buying more, stashing them and then breaking them out after he goes to bed. My tolerance has gotten pretty big too. I wonder how he doesn’t notice a change in my behavior but it’s honestly never even come up. We don’t fight when I drink and there’s really nothing crazy that I have done and this is how I have justified this routine for over a year. It’s not good. I know I change but again its my denial kicking in.

More importantly my weight has gotten out of control. I have probably gained 45 lbs in a year and a half. This adds to my depression and anxiety over drinking in the first place. I keep trying to figure out WHY I am drinking and I don’t really know. I have a great job and we have money. Our marriage could be better and sometimes I don’t feel “in love” with my husband but then I turn it all around on me and ask myself “Would you feel this way if you were sober and not numb all the time? He’s a good man.”

I wake up every morning saying that the day before was the last time. Every day is my Monday of new beginnings. I have 2 beautiful kids that I feel deserve more from me. I used to be crafty and creative. I used to sit on the floor and play with them. What happened to me?

Today I woke up and told myself that I was going to tell my husband so that I could have some accountability but I didn't. There is no beer in the fridge and I don’t have plans on buying any. I am working on my weight again and I don’t know how long this will last but it feels good to have some clarity in my admission. I feel like I can do this on my own but I just don't know if I can.

I AM AN ALCHOLIC and I don’t even know where to start to fix it.

-----

ETA: I sent my husband a text earlier today admitting my problem.

"I have been hiding something from you. I have been drinking way more than you think and I need help. I'm sorry. Please support me while I get sober. There is no beer in the house and I would like to keep it that way. We'll talk later."

He wrote back almost instantly.

"I love you and you have my support. You can do this! We'll talk tonight."


 

[Deleted]

I'm so glad you are here! The others will be along to provide support. Have you thought about attending AA? Does your friend with 8 years go to meetings?

Very brave step today. I'm really proud of you. And your husband sounds fantastic and supportive.

Ask anything you'd like here. We're pretty open about alcoholism, living with alcoholics, plus a variety of other addictions.

[scaredsoberae]

My friend does not attend AA but I sent her a text that I need to have lunch with her soon. I think she knows what I plan to tell her. We actually stopped talking for 6 years because of her drinking. She was "the crazy drunk" in our group of friends but I now know what she was fighting.

I have to say that reading that Crying Out Now blog has really forced me to realize that Alcoholism doesn't have one face. Like I mentioned in the other thread, I told myself for the longest time that it wasn't a big deal because it's just beer. I don't drink and drive. I don't drink every day. But when I DO drink, I cant stop. That's a problem.

[Deleted]

AA has hotlines in most places. They can provide someone to talk with you and let you know where the meetings are held. Urban or rural, there are always fellow alcoholics who are willing to lend a hand. The support I received seven and a half years ago was unbelievable. Those people got me! Now I love extending my hand to newcomers.

[scaredsoberae]

I'm struggling with the "why" so much. I think that's the hardest part of accepting this or even trying to fix it. WHY DO I DRINK? I have a great life. I don't have problems. Life sober is better than life drunk so WHY do I do it.

You mentioned in the other post something about an allergy. As I mentioned when I quoted you, I don't drink anything else except beer because it gives me energy. I hate hard alcohol and I've never liked wine. Is there something in beer that is giving me that boost of energy? It's the weirdest conversation that I have with myself.

"Ok I'll drink these 3-4 beers tonight because I have SOOOO much to do. I need to clean the house, unload the dishwasher, pick up the mess etc etc etc."

I convince myself that I am not drinking to escape and that I am just drinking to "get stuff done."

Is that part of my denial? Because while the first few beers DO allow me to get things done, by beer 7 or 8 I don't want to do anything but I keep drinking thinking that I will get that energy back. That scares me so much.

[mel]

Huge hugs to you! So proud of you for taking that first step. We are all here for you. Some of what you have said has really resonated with me and I want to take the time to write a proper response. I am about to head out the door to work but I will be back. Just know that this is a wonderful group of people with a lot of knowledge and experience and that we are here for you!

[lovelovelove]

So glad you're here! Great job on taking the first step.

My H is an alcoholic and he's been sober a few months. Let me know if you have any questions or want to talk about the spouse side of things.

Check in here as often as you need to- everyone has been so welcoming and kind and helpful.

[Deleted]

Apr 7, 2015 16:34:42 GMT -5 scaredsoberae said:

I'm struggling with the "why" so much.

I convince myself that I am not drinking to escape and that I am just drinking to "get stuff done."

Is that part of my denial? Because while the first few beers DO allow me to get things done, by beer 7 or 8 I don't want to do anything but I keep drinking thinking that I will get that energy back. That scares me so much.

Yes, that could be partly denial and not wanting to face that "holy shit, I need beer to do my housework!" 

I played a lot of mind games to convince myself that I didn't have a problem. 

1. The recycle bin had too many wine bottles each week, so I just started putting wine bottles in the trash.  Because the garbage men or someone walking by the house might think I was drinking too much! 

2. My best trick was buying wine glasses the size of goldfish bowls, so I could say, I only had a couple of glasses of wine!  LOL  That was denial and just plain kidding myself. 

Gently asking - Have you ever tried drinking 7 or 8 Pepsi's to get your housework done?

 

[scaredsoberae]

Apr 7, 2015 18:14:56 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Apr 7, 2015 16:34:42 GMT -5 scaredsoberae said:

I'm struggling with the "why" so much.

I convince myself that I am not drinking to escape and that I am just drinking to "get stuff done."

Is that part of my denial? Because while the first few beers DO allow me to get things done, by beer 7 or 8 I don't want to do anything but I keep drinking thinking that I will get that energy back. That scares me so much.

Yes, that could be partly denial and not wanting to face that "holy shit, I need beer to do my housework!" 

I played a lot of mind games to convince myself that I didn't have a problem. 

1. The recycle bin had too many wine bottles each week, so I just started putting wine bottles in the trash.  Because the garbage men or someone walking by the house might think I was drinking too much! 

2. My best trick was buying wine glasses the size of goldfish bowls, so I could say, I only had a couple of glasses of wine!  LOL  That was denial and just plain kidding myself. 

Gently asking - Have you ever tried drinking 7 or 8 Pepsi's to get your housework done? 

No, because who needs to drink 7-8 sodas to get housework done? Gross.

And with that, I realize how bad my logic is about drinking beer for energy.  I wouldn't drink caffeine for energy so why beer?

THAT is how I know my problem is bigger. Thank you. I needed to read that.

[spedrunner]

i am proud of you for admitting this out loud. To yourself, to us and now to your husband. It is a wonderful update that he is on board to be so supportive! That must make you feel incredibly relieved!!

Stay strong and you can do this!

I too have an addiction, however my recovery is from anorexia, different "drug" but same thought process Admitting my problem and talking about it has been the only reason for my success. I did rehabs before and was unsuccesful bc i still continued to hide my problem, now i face it and embrace it

[phoenixrising]

I didn't read all the replies because I know everyone enough around here to know that they gave you great advice. But I want to commend you for taking that first step, which is admitting that there is something in your life over which you have lost control. Addiction is NOT rational. You can't wish it away by reminding yourself that you have a great life and "should" be happy. Addiction is a disease. You would not ever say that someone could wish away cancer by reminding herself that she has a great life and should be happy.

Like spedrunner, my addiction is food-related, although in an "opposite" direction. I am in treatment for binge eating disorder. I have been seeing a therapist for three years, and we have just started to scratch the surface of what this addiction means to me. I actually just this month brought my PCP on board as a member of my treatment team, and I am seeing a psychiatrist soon to add to my team. There is not a quick fix for addiction (I used to tell myself that I should just stop eating so much...it's not that simple). However, coming here and also telling your husband is HUGE.

No matter what your journey entails, you are welcome here at any time of the day to vent or ask for help or just to chat. This isn't the busiest board here on GBCN, but I am sure I am not the only one who checks in here several times a day to make sure that one of us doesn't need some extra support or to make sure that there is not someone coming here for the first time who is probably waiting in a state of anxiety for someone to respond to her (or him...but I think this is mostly a ladies' group).

Sending so much love and light your way...

[lovelovelove]

scaredsoberae

Just wanted to check in to see how you're doing.

[flex]

Hi and welcome. It's good that you've admitted you have a problem. That's the first step.

At this point, I wouldn't spend a huge amount focusing on the "why" question ("why am I an alcoholic?", etc.), but understand that drinking is adversely affecting your life. I suggest getting some counseling, as well as contacting AA. In most cities/towns, AA has a hotline that you can call to speak to someone in recovery. Hopefully they'll direct you to a meeting in your area or even volunteer to take you to one themselves.

Please check back in with us. We're here for you!!

[btay]

I hope things are going OK, Admitting you have a problem is a huge first step. Please check in when you have a moment

[malibu]

I hope things are going well. Like I said in your ML post, you've taken a huge step just in realizing you have a problem with alcohol. Everyone on this board is proud of you - so many people never even get to the point you're already at.

[Deleted]

Good morning, scaredsoberae. Have you tried an AA meeting yet? Just looking for any updates. Hope you are doing well.

[sigir]

I want to echo the thoughts of others that admitting you have a problem and being honest w your dh is huge. Huge huge huge. And I am happy he is supportive. How are you doing? I am glad you are here.

I hope you check back in.

[katietornado]

I know I'm a little late on this one, but I wanted to chime in as the person in your husband's shoes. My H was doing the exact same thing, from hiding the bottles to drinking secretly. I had no idea until he drank himself sick one night and I was ready to rush him to the hospital because I thought he had food poisoning.

Within a week, we had cleaned the alcohol out of the house, had started seeing a counselor (together and separately), and he had started AA meetings. I know AA isn't for everyone, but I think initially it's good to have a network, and it's good to see people who are "success" stories. It's also good to get their cautionary tales. One guy was sober 14 years and decided to drink while at work at the grocery store he owned. He passed out in an aisle.

Know that you're not a bad person. You're not broken. You're not a failure. You just can't drink anymore. I went through a period of mourning after we stopped drinking. But we now have a fantastic social life without alcohol, and it'll be 6 years next month.

Be prepared to shut down the "just have a drink" people. Some people just want others to drink with them and won't let it go. Those people are dicks. Figure out the best way to shut them down that works for you. Be blunt/honest, or be firm, or both.

Lots of hugs from someone who very well understands where you are. Keep us posted.

[flex]

Well said, katietornado!!

[malibu]

Agreed, flex! Nicely worded, katietornado.

[Deleted]

scaredsoberae, please read what Katie just wrote. It's excellent. Paging you because i haven't seen you on the recovery board recently. Know you've been posting on ML.