It was this morning, because of a fight last night that never got resolved and blew up again in the AM. It still isn't resolved. I think he's going to leave again sometime soon and maybe come back with papers.
Give it to me straight. In this economy, if I can't find a job, what are the odds of me ending up with primary custody of my baby? Is it selfish of me to want it when I don't know when I will be able to provide for her or even be not living out of a suitcase? What should I be doing in case he doesn't want to work it out, besides having my resume ready? I hear her pooping right now and don't know when I will be back to read this, but I will indeed be back later today or tomorrow. TIA for any advice.
Whatever money is in joint sccounts, take half, put it somewhere he can't get to, and leave it be. You are entitled to that. Also, do not leave the house- either ignore him or make him leave. And get to a lawyer.
Post by kellbell191 on Aug 12, 2012 9:44:03 GMT -5
Girl, you need to make him go to counseling. He is clearly really struggling with some personal shit and I know you've been trying to get him to go but since he's being such a dick right now I think you're within your rights to call him on it and let him know he needs to get his ass in therapy and sorted out. I am not allowed to give you legal advice but in our state I think they lean towards 50/50 and will deviate as appropriate. If your SAH you're the primary caretaker and that should work in your favor. Also you should definitely qualify for legal aid.
Whatever happens, you got this. Just start at the beginning. Also, he can't get papers on a Sunday. So there's that.
Post by saraandmichael on Aug 12, 2012 9:45:09 GMT -5
Do you have an OP to this?
I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough go. And yes, I am sure you can retain primary custody. Get yourself a job at Starbucks in the interim. They have healthcare for even part time employees.
I don't know your situation at all but don't do anything harsh. And don't let him either. You have a small baby at home. Life is a million times harder when you have a small baby. What I am trying to say is life can get easier as your baby gets older. Wounds can be repaired.
Hang in there I have no legal advice for you. Take care of yourself.
Post by 2boys2danes on Aug 12, 2012 10:15:41 GMT -5
Wow... that sounds tough. I'm sorry you are going through it. I would say take screenshots of all of your financials, take half out of your joint accounts and open a new account to keep that safe. As for custody stuff, I really dont know much about how all that works but if he has been supporting you and your child then he will have to provide some type of support going forward I would imagine. To me, finding the best job you can to support yourself and baby will make you feel a lot more confident. Good luck!
Whatever money is in joint sccounts, take half, put it somewhere he can't get to, and leave it be. You are entitled to that. Also, do not leave the house- either ignore him or make him leave. And get to a lawyer.
I agree with this. I don't know if there's a back story, I've been MIA but you will get some sort of child support. Some states take both parents into account, some only compute it based on the non custodial parents income. Your lawyer will know. Even if you get joint custody he would likely still have to pay child support to maintain equal standards of living for the child, but again, your lawyer will know details. I've just learned all this from being on the Blended Families board, I'm not a lawyer. I'm sorry
I agree with some of the others, this first year can be really tough, especially if your baby is on the fussier side. I would not make any rash decisions and if anything really think about planning some time away just you and your H somewhere to re-charge your batteries and really talk.
It doesn't sound like she's the one making the decisions though. If dude wants to go, he can go on with his bad self. Is she supposed to cry at the door with her baby wrapped in a shawl??
Mamasaurus, I hope he calms the fuck down and you two can talk rationally. In the meantime, I really can't see how anyone will take custody from you. He might have the job but you're the primary care provider. The fact that you are a SAHM will likely work in your favor. I'd prepare by looking at the finances, etc. But I wouldn't panic. You'll make it work.
And I wouldn't leave the house. If boy wants to end it, he can find somewhere to stay. That is your house and those are your baby's things. Besides, who goes where can get sorted out in the divorce, if there is one. You can also sort out the job sitch then should things come to that.
More than finding a job, you'll want to find someone who will watch your baby for you should you need to look and when you first start. After you've found a job, you'll want to apply for childcare assistance from the state. You'll need it.
It doesn't sound like she's the one making the decisions though. If dude wants to go, he can go on with his bad self. Is she supposed to cry at the door with her baby wrapped in a shawl??
Today you make copies of everything related to your finances.
Tomorrow you call a lawyer or two and go for a consult. Even if he comes back and says he's really sorry. You need to at least know what your rights are and what you're entitled to and what is just hot air on his side. In cases where the wife has stayed home to raise children the courts have required the husband to pay alimony for a set period of time - and if she needs to return to school to upgrade a skill set they take that into consideration. I don't know if it's state or case specific but I bet you have more options then you realize. You just needs someone who is an expert to tell you what they are.
I have nothing else to add, but wanted to echo the others that I'm sorry and hope everything works out. It sounds like you got really good advice, especially about making copies of financial info where it stands today and maybe even moving some $$ into a personal account just in case.
Post by dowagercountess on Aug 12, 2012 13:29:47 GMT -5
I agree with everything everyone said here, specially habbsies. Is he unfit as a father? If you think him capable as a dad, you may rethink what you want. I have primary physical custody of p, but we share custody, if that makes sense. I know.the instinct is to take your baby and run, but if he's a decent parent, you will want his help. True single mothering about brought me to my knees. I'm on my phone. Don't judge.
I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough go. And yes, I am sure you can retain primary custody. Get yourself a job at Starbucks in the interim. They have healthcare for even part time employees.
This is good advice. Just get your foot in the door, some benefits and possibly some growth potential.
Are you panicking or do you really think this is over? Either way, it might be a good idea to get your ducks in a row so that you feel more secure. I'm so sorry.
It does sound like good advice. Thanks, guys.
I don't know. This is the second time he's said he was done in as many months. He didn't talk to me for over an hour after he came back and then was all, "Hey, let's go get lunch!" and I was all, "Huh?" I've been trying to act normal and he's being a lot nicer now. I don't know if that means anything, though. I guess I'm just confused. I don't know what he wants or what I should be doing for/about our marriage.
I have no advice, except that life with a baby is hard. If you need anything, let me know. I'm not far away.
If hanging around with a super stressed-out lady won't be too much of a downer, let's maybe hang out like we'd been messaging about? I think if I spend a lot of time alone this week, I will just think about sad things too much and worry myself in circles.
I have no advice, except that life with a baby is hard. If you need anything, let me know. I'm not far away.
If hanging around with a super stressed-out lady won't be too much of a downer, let's maybe hang out like we'd been messaging about? I think if I spend a lot of time alone this week, I will just think about sad things too much and worry myself in circles.
I'm in for Thursday! And I'll bring something delicious and tell you great stories.
I read somewhere men can have PPD, and it's more likely if their wife was diagnosed. So that is a possibility.
Have you two been able to have any time as a couple since the baby was born? Anyone you trust who could take the baby for an evening so you could go for dinner or even go for coffee for a couple of hours?
When X decided he was going to leave, I was minimally employed, making about $200 a week. My primary role was to be DDs caregver. She was older, but this defitely worked in my favor re: child support, etc. I could have requested alimony in my state but chose not to. In lieu of that, I took a lump sum of cash in addition to my vested interest in our home.
I hope it works out for you but if it doesn't you've gotten some great advice here. A consult will be free and will help immensely in making you feel secure in your position. Two things I wish someone had told me - if he leaves, you don't have to leave the house. And, accept any offers of help you get. I was too proud to lean on my friends and it would have made life so much easier.
just want to mention that if you are the primary caregiver, which you probably are if you sah, you may want to think twice about running out and getting a job.
The chances are EXTREMELY likely that you will get primary custody, and the fact that you now have a job will only serve to lower your child support and/or alimony payments. You may need to go back to school or get some training after the divorce, which will be hard to do if you are newly employed at some low wage job and trying to be a mom.
If your H is supporting you now, he will still have to support you for a while after the divorce.
From what you have said in this thread it sounds like your H might be depressed. I think I may have missed previous posts so I am not sure of the backstory. Try to sit calmly and talk. You do need to find out why he keeps leaving and coming back like it is nothing. You can't live like that. Find out what his intentions are. I am so sorry you are going through this.