He left and came back.

[kellbell191]

She has said previously that her H has issues with depression and she's been wanting him to go to counseling for awhile. I realize it's hard not to want to rock the boat during the calm peaceful times Mama but I think this would be a good time to seriously talk therapy with him. And if he's not in, go yourself and make him attend some
Sessions with you.

[Deleted]

I don't know that he's depresses as much as incredibly manipulative. I mean maybe he is depressed but that doesn't account for his ridiculous behavior. Keeping your wife on her toes, making her nervous, and threatening divorce when she doesn't agree with you is manipulative as hell and you don't get a free pass because you have issues with depression.

Unless you want to continue this pattern, you'll need to press for counseling at minimum. If you can't get him to go, go by yourself.

[kellbell191]

Aug 12, 2012 18:45:29 GMT -5 @smace said:

Aug 12, 2012 18:36:02 GMT -5 kellbell191 said:

She has said previously that her H has issues with depression and she's been wanting him to go to counseling for awhile. I realize it's hard not to want to rock the boat during the calm peaceful times Mama but I think this would be a good time to seriously talk therapy with him. And if he's not in, go yourself and make him attend some
Sessions with you.

Yea, depressed or no, he needs to treat it. He can't just make you at the mercy of his mood swings. If there is an underlying cause and he wants to treat it, that's great (so long as you want to be in the marriage). I hope he does.

I agree with this completely. Before dh got his add diagnosis he would get very frustrated during fights and totally lose his cool. I told him recently how manipulative that felt to me but I've since realized that was not his intention. He had a really hard time handling conflicts and it made things rough when we disagreed.

[vanillacourage]

Even if this single incident smooths over, keep your financial house in order. Keep records of all finances, know where 100% of his paycheck is going (ESPECIALLY since you SAH), see an attorney for a free consultation to know what your rights are, etc. In situations where you know one spouse may have a foot out the door, I think it's more important than ever to make sure they're not methodically screwing you over before they actually leave. I really hope I'm wrong but he's given you a shot across the bow, don't waste that knowledge and left taken advantage of. Sorry you're going through this.

[Deleted]

Aug 12, 2012 18:39:12 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

I don't know that he's depresses as much as incredibly manipulative. I mean maybe he is depressed but that doesn't account for his ridiculous behavior. Keeping your wife on her toes, making her nervous, and threatening divorce when she doesn't agree with you is manipulative as hell and you don't get a free pass because you have issues with depression.

Unless you want to continue this pattern, you'll need to press for counseling at minimum. If you can't get him to go, go by yourself.

Depression can demonstrate in this way. It doesn't make it any better, just not purposefully manipulative.

That said, I agree that he doesn't get a free pass if he's not being treated and trying to get better and put an end to the cycle. Which is possible and you should not have to live on edge because he doesn't want or doesn't think he needs help.

[cleo29]

Aug 12, 2012 16:54:38 GMT -5 mamasaurus said:

Aug 12, 2012 9:57:35 GMT -5 Que? said:

This is good advice. Just get your foot in the door, some benefits and possibly some growth potential.

Are you panicking or do you really think this is over? Either way, it might be a good idea to get your ducks in a row so that you feel more secure. I'm so sorry.

It does sound like good advice. Thanks, guys.

I don't know. This is the second time he's said he was done in as many months. He didn't talk to me for over an hour after he came back and then was all, "Hey, let's go get lunch!" and I was all, "Huh?" I've been trying to act normal and he's being a lot nicer now. I don't know if that means anything, though. I guess I'm just confused. I don't know what he wants or what I should be doing for/about our marriage.

I don't like that he is jerking you around and I don't care if he is depressed, it's not right.

[bab]

Aug 12, 2012 18:39:12 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

I don't know that he's depresses as much as incredibly manipulative. I mean maybe he is depressed but that doesn't account for his ridiculous behavior. Keeping your wife on her toes, making her nervous, and threatening divorce when she doesn't agree with you is manipulative as hell and you don't get a free pass because you have issues with depression.

Unless you want to continue this pattern, you'll need to press for counseling at minimum. If you can't get him to go, go by yourself.

The manipulative and "ridiculous" behavior you speak of can be a result of depression or other mental illness. Look, I am not saying she should put up with it, but I think the situation might require a closer look. Take half and kick him out isn't necessarily the answer for everyone.

[bab]

I do find it interesting how supportive most women on here are when another woman is going through PPD or some form of depression. It is totally ridic for a man to be struggling though. I don't get the double standard. If he is struggling with his mental health he's not intentionally behaving this way . It is a function if his illness. Again, I am not saying mamasaurus should sit by and put up with it, I am merely saying that I am not so sure her H should be vilified this way.

[peachykate]

Aug 12, 2012 19:56:39 GMT -5 bab said:

Aug 12, 2012 18:39:12 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

I don't know that he's depresses as much as incredibly manipulative. I mean maybe he is depressed but that doesn't account for his ridiculous behavior. Keeping your wife on her toes, making her nervous, and threatening divorce when she doesn't agree with you is manipulative as hell and you don't get a free pass because you have issues with depression.

Unless you want to continue this pattern, you'll need to press for counseling at minimum. If you can't get him to go, go by yourself.

The manipulative and "ridiculous" behavior you speak of can be a result of depression or other mental illness. Look, I am not saying she should put up with it, but I think the situation might require a closer look. Take half and kick him out isn't necessarily the answer for everyone.

I agree with this.

OP-I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[cleo29]

I agree with you, BAB. I stand by my saying that she should not stand for him jerking her around, whether he is depressed or not, it's not right. If she knows he has been facing some mental/emotional issues, now is the time to drop the hammer and make him face that he needs help.

[mamasaurus]

Aug 12, 2012 17:00:40 GMT -5 @smace said:

I dont think he knows what he wants either.

is this erratic behavior from him normal? does he battle anything like depression or something and maybe this is an indicator of an issue outside the relationship? have you had communication issues in the past? was your marriage like this before the baby??

sorry for all the questions. I'm just trying to make ends or tails of this, like you are I'm sure.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

It isn't normal for it to be this bad, but him losing his temper and doing things he regrets is, sadly, not uncommon. Things were like this once before but I thought that since the results made him so unhappy, it wasn't going to happen again.

I do think there is depression or something else involved in his anger issues. That, and his dad was angry and erratic when he was a kid, so to him, a lot of this looks normal. His father, of course, has PTSD from Vietnam, so it certainly is not normal. I would like to see him get help and will be bringing it up again once Babysaurus is asleep.

I think part of it (the hugeness of this particular fight, I mean) is that I have been letting a lot of things go that I wasn't happy with the past few years for the sake of maintaining peace (not all the time, but more than I do now), but now that we have a daughter, I don't want her to be exposed to it and grow up thinking it's normal, too. So, I am on his case a lot more about the cursing, throwing things, etc. which is probably bad timing with him being more stressed, plus doing those things more than normal out of stress. I am not really sure what to do though--I certainly don't want him to think I am OK with this stuff, but I don't want him to feel nagged to death either, which seems to be how he feels (among other issues).

[cleo29]

H can have an explosive temper and it is worse when he is stressed out. Lately, when it has happened, I tell him to go outside and honestly, it helps. He needs to just step away from the situation before he acts like an ass in front of our daughter. He has thanked me for this.

The reality is, it is no longer just about him and he cannot expect you to accept this kind of behavior or get a pass because he is depressed. If he is depressed, then he needs to get help to get things under control. And I would let him know that tossing around the phrase "I'm leaving" or something like it is not acceptable and that he should make sure he really means it if he is going to say it again. I would say that a woman on here too. You don't get to just do that to your spouse, to your kids.

[flex]

My ex-dh had a horrible temper and would scare me and the boys when it happened. He went through Viet Nam too, which I'm sure didn't help. He did start taking Effexor in the last years of our marriage, but it didn't help his outbursts. he just didn't deal well with stress. My boys and I were tramatized over the years because of this. I really believe that ex's habits messed DS#2 up a great deal.

I eventually left him because of it. I'm with cleo and the others. Depression can be treated, but it's not an excuse for repeated poor behavior.

[bab]

I wish I could hug you so hard mamasaurus. If he is throwing things that is TOTALLY unacceptable. I really worry that he could blow up even more without help. I think you should insist on counseling if he wants to stay married. It sounds like there is just so much going on and it is doubtful that the two of you will be able to sort through it without some help. Can you arrange a sitter and schedule a counseling session for the two of you? This way you will have a plan in place when you talk to him. All the best. Take care of yourself.

[mamasaurus]

Bab, thank you for your e-hugs. I should add he throws things like burp rags and seat cushions, not things that could actually be dangerous, but still. It is not appropriate or a good example. Hopefully he will agree to counseling this time.

[papie]

I just want to send you some hugs. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[mamasaurus]

Aug 12, 2012 21:00:15 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

What was the original fight about?

He was comforting our baby after she hurt her hand, and she was hungry, so I asked him to hand her over. He didn't want to, and I insisted. I was basing her hunger on a couple lip smacks and my boobs leaking, neither of which he could see at the time. He thought I was being crazy and overprotective. (She did have milk though, and a lot of it.) It escalated pretty quick because he dropped an F bomb at me while she was still in his arms, and I told him to watch his language, which he resented, etc etc.

[Deleted]

I think you have gotten some excellent advice. I'm sorry you are going thru this. Having a baby is hard enough. I really have nothing more to add than to give you some Internet hugs..((hugs))