SAHM

[Deleted]

I'm in the military, and still have several years left on my commitment, so unfortunately staying at home isn't an option for me. At most I'll get about 6 weeks of maternity leave (more if directed by a doctor). My husband is just finishing a Masters in Education with hopes to start teaching in the next year or so, but if I get pregnant then he'll probably delay teaching and stay at home for a while. Unfortunately, a starting teacher's salary won't cover the cost of child care.

But yeah, he's not working now, so there will be no decrease in our standard of living if he stays at home with the kiddo. And, I'm getting promoted in the next few months, so I'll be making significantly more money soon.

I'm going to jealous as heck if he gets to stay home and bond with the kiddo while I have to work:-)

[mimosas]

I'm not interested in SAH permanently, but my job is super flexible with (well, unpaid) ML so I plan on taking three to six months before going back.

[jenn1298]

I'm not planning to SAH. I will take 12-18 weeks of ML and then go back to work. DH and I could live on just his salary, but I have never wanted to be a SAHM.

[statlerwaldorf]

I am already a SAHM. I didn't really plan it that way, but I was laid off during my pregnancy with DD. We ended up relocating for a job for DH and there aren't many jobs in my field (or jobs period really) here.

[Jalapeñomel]

I have no desire to SAH. I am sure I will need interactions with the adult world and outside of the home on a regular basis.

[winecheery]

Yes. We are in the fortunate financial position to do so; I don't need to work, technically. Our lives won't really change much financially after having a kid. Not drastically. It's important to us to take advantage of that position, so a SAHM I shall be.

Both our moms were SAHM, and we loved it.

I will, however, continue to work if I please after the baby gets older, because I lovelovelove my job. I don't plan on taking any jobs on for a while, simply because they are really exhausting and physically demanding, and I'd also hate to be away from a baby for so long. But once they're a toddler?? DONE!

DH and I chatted about this after my last show closed a few weeks ago; he was like "I know it'll be hard to wait, but as soon as the kid is about 1.5/2, take a booking if you want to. I'll be home nights and weekends, so he'll be with me and you can do your thing!" He's totally supportive of the fact that my job is also my passion, and I do really need it to feel satisfied in my life.

But I digress...the point is, I'll be a SAHM technically, and I'm excited about that new challenge when it comes.

[vivaladiva]

I would if I could, but we live in such a high cost area that it we couldn't do it on H's salary alone. Luckily (and knock wood/saying prayers) both our moms are here and ready, willing and able to be nannies.

I plan to WFH 4 days a week (I come into the office everyday, but my job doesn't require this whatsoever, it's just easier), and we'll work out whether we drop off or moms will come over for day duty. I know I will NOT want to lose an hour each way commuting in everyday.

H and I had our (then) 1.5 yr old goddaughter to stay with us for a week a couple of years ago. He took off work, but I couldn't. After that week, he knew he could never SAHD, and I knew that I wouldn't want to work outside the home. I missed EVERYTHING. What a learning experience that was.

[Deleted]

Aug 13, 2012 9:42:48 GMT -5 @esquirefish said:

I won't be SAH - I am the primary breadwinner and if I don't work we have major problems. At least I have a really generous maternity leave (18 months paid, and I can take an additional 6 unpaid after approval).

I have recently started to work for attorneys who are NOT in the NYC office, and my hope is that they will let me work at home 1-2 days a week (after all, since the attorneys I work for aren't even if my home office, what does it matter if I am working in the actual office or a home office?).

18 MONTHS paid maternity leave!?!?! Holy crap, I wanna work where you work....

[cheesierthanchedda]

I wish. There's just no way. We live in a very HCOL area and I make more money than H. Short of a career change/windfall for him, I will always be the higher income earner.

[Cheesecake]

I thought our 16 to 18 WEEKS paid and then 13 weeks half paid and 13 weeks unpaid was pretty okay, but I guess it really isn't...

I'm not planning to SAH. I'm (and fortunately DH as well) a very firm believer in equal responsibility towards everything in our family. We both work and contribute equal shares to our budget. We could afford our lifestyle on less income, but that means that we both will work less if we choose to do so.

I'm expecting that we'll both either change to working 4 days or at least only work from the office 4 days so we'll only need daycare for 3 days a week. I won't work less than 4 days a week though. I don't think I can be as good and worthwhile at my job if I work less than 4 days, and I refuse to become one of those "I just work because it's fun and I get to be around grown-ups" kind of women, as I can't stand them.

(Not trying to be snarky here, but I've had so many co-workers with that attitude and I'd be completely cool with Dutch labor laws changing so that those people can just get sacked!)

[winecheery]

Aug 13, 2012 18:07:54 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Aug 13, 2012 17:19:01 GMT -5 namasteak said:

It really irks me when people think that SAH parents don't believe in equal responsibility toward their families. It is just a different division of labor....one parent has more responsibilities inside the home and one has more outside the home.

Couldn't agree with you more.

And really,the argument doesn't make sense

Whether you are both working and caring for the child part-time OR one parent works and one parent stays home, both people are still contributing their HALF of the responsibilities

Different situations work best for different people!

I second all of this.

[winecheery]

Aug 13, 2012 16:22:54 GMT -5 cheesierthanchedda said:

I wish. There's just no way. We live in a very HCOL area and I make more money than H. Short of a career change/windfall for him, I will always be the higher income earner.

I'd just like to say hello neighbor, as I'm in the Bay too. And yes, our area is ridic expensive, as was evidenced when we were house hunting holy hell.

[mimosas]

Aug 13, 2012 16:25:40 GMT -5 Cheesecake said:

I'm expecting that we'll both either change to working 4 days or at least only work from the office 4 days so we'll only need daycare for 3 days a week. I won't work less than 4 days a week though. I don't think I can be as good and worthwhile at my job if I work less than 4 days, and I refuse to become one of those "I just work because it's fun and I get to be around grown-ups" kind of women, as I can't stand them.

(Not trying to be snarky here, but I've had so many co-workers with that attitude and I'd be completely cool with Dutch labor laws changing so that those people can just get sacked!)

I'm confused. What's wrong with recognizing that you (general you) might be a better parent if you work at a job you like with daily adult interaction even if you can afford to SAH? Why in the world should someone be fired for that??

ETA: Okay, I reread and maybe you mean they just get lazy when they come back to work? That's too bad, but I think lots of people have that attitude, parent or not.

Or maybe I'm dense and totally misreading what you're actually saying. If so, I'm sorry!

[Deleted]

I think what NL is saying is that some moms ONLY choose to return to work "for fun" -- for adult interaction, or because they're bored, or because they really don't "need" the money. Sometimes these peopl just don't give a shit about their jobs, or about pulling their weight at work, ya know, sine it's jus "fur fun."

To be fair, I work with people like this, some of whom are single men, so it's not always a byproduct of parenthood. Some people are just lazy.

[Cheesecake]

Pretty much what villainv said. I've had numerous co-workers who really used their children to get out of doing their work and shove their portion onto others. Luke the person who would accept a meeting without asking to reschedule, and 10 mins into the meeting (which was planned to be an hour) would tell us that if we weren't done in 5 minutes, she'd leave anyway because she had to pick up her kid somewhere.
Or the one who, when there are super heavy deadlines ALWAYS has a "sick kid" and her H can never stay home with them.
Or the one that bought (after their kids were both born) a house they couldn't afford, so they can't afford daycare anymore, so she starts at 9.30 and finishes at 2.30 and keeps shoving wo Rte k to others because "it needs to be finished today, and I have to pick the kids up from school).

I have about a zillion more examples like that and while people without children might have a bad attitude as well, that's something you work with (and put monetary consequences to). If it's a mother, suddenly no-one cares.

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[mimosas]

Ah, got it and that makes more sense than my interpretation, but holy shit you have crappy coworkers! Kids or not, I don't understand how they can get away with that. That really sucks for everyone else.

ETA: The changing hours, pushing off work part sucks. Unless it was worked out with management? IDK... I agree with autumnrose below here too.

More than that, I hate that we don't even have kids yet and already are judging. We don't know what's going on behind the scenes. I admit I also immediately go on the defensive when people throw around "working even though you don't need the money." Who cares??

[Cheesecake]

Yeah, I realize that I too will have to take days off, but planning things in a way that ensures taking full advantage of the daycare excuse is just mean.

And also, my child will have 2 parents that share responsibility, so the kid being sick 2 days would mean me working from home 1 day (instead of taking 2 days off work and dad taking 0 responsibility.)

I might be a total bitch, but if you know you can't combine work and kids, I feel you shouldn't do that . If that means giving up work and living in a smaller house and giving up a car, that's just too damn bad. In this day and age having children is a CHOICE and your co-workers /rest of the world should not be held responsible for the choice you made.
Having children is not like being in an accident, or getting disease you didn't want and are trying your hardest to get rid of. So women shouldn't treat the work/mothering combo like it's the same.

(And yes, I've had a mother once tell me 'you shouldn't say anything about me shoving off work, I did this-and-that when you were in emergency surgery '. Not the same biatch, almost dying trumps forgot a school play!)

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[Cheesecake]

Aug 14, 2012 6:58:50 GMT -5 mimosas said:

ETA: The changing hours, pushing off work part sucks. Unless it was worked out with management? IDK... I agree with autumnrose below here too.

Labor laws are very strict here and you pretty much can't be fired unless you steal or 'purposefully refuse to work'. So the kid excuse is magic, as that makes your absence 'not on purpose'.

That's why my original comment mentioned changing labor laws. It's absolutely ridiculous.
Management just accepts everything in order to stay out of court as they know that'd lose and it'd cost them WAY more...

Sent from my MB860 using proboards

[vivaladiva]

When my boss was on maternity leave, essentially I had to do her job and mine for 4 months. And now she does a 4-day work week, so I'm "her" on Fridays now, too. I resented the hell out of her for it, but I know that it was my jealousy doing about half the talking during that time. But I'm being rewarded for that difficult time, and God willing, I'll be taking a 4-day work week myself so she can be "me" on Mondays when we are both moms.

I would work because I have to. It's partly because while I like my job and I got a pretty good gig, I still don't think it's my absolute perfect career/calling - I have plans to pursue that later on after the mortgage is managed, etc. If I were doing what I absolutely LOVE, I would probably think differently about going back to work after having a baby, in that I would probably want to vs. absolutely have to.

I think that there are people that will take advantage of the 'kid' to shirk work, but those are the people who would already do that anyway, kid or no. It is annoying to have those people in your workplace, but they are everywhere. I am going to do what I need to do, but I can't half ass either responsibility (being a parent or being a member of a workplace).

I've been thinking about this for a long time, it's fascinating to me on a socialogical level. Women/Workplace/Parenthood, etc. Men never have these discussions. Pass a cigar and take a couple of weeks off and we'll see you in the office. Women have all sorts of upheaval and questions and hardly any good answers.

[Cheesecake]

Aug 14, 2012 11:04:33 GMT -5 vivaladiva said:

I've been thinking about this for a long time, it's fascinating to me on a socialogical level. Women/Workplace/Parenthood, etc. Men never have these discussions. Pass a cigar and take a couple of weeks off and we'll see you in the office. Women have all sorts of upheaval and questions and hardly any good answers.

Yes! Why the heck do fathers actually get away with either not doing their part in the care for their baby OR not get questions about how they manage child care and work? It baffles me!

[winecheery]

Aug 14, 2012 11:04:33 GMT -5 vivaladiva said:

I've been thinking about this for a long time, it's fascinating to me on a socialogical level. Women/Workplace/Parenthood, etc. Men never have these discussions. Pass a cigar and take a couple of weeks off and we'll see you in the office. Women have all sorts of upheaval and questions and hardly any good answers.

You know it's really interesting isn't it? The whole blanket subject of "who stays home" if anyone is becoming fascinating to me...I just read an article in the NY Times I wanna say(??) Like a Lifestyle or similar type of section, where they discuss the increase in SAHD nowadays, actually.

And among my close circle of friends, there is even great diversity. I have one who will not SAHM (very career driven), one who desperately wants to stay home and is thinking/hoping that her DH's new job will allow that, and one who would probably rather her DH stay home, if anyone, but knows they will both continue working with slightly modified schedules.

And me...one of the SAHM who will go back to work eventually because it's "fun". But in my defense, I have a completely non-traditional job that technically can be classified as freelance or self-employed, and a good chunk of it is spent teaching kids, soooo we know I'm not using the whole "I need grown-up time" excuse.

But the truth is I do love my job, it IS fun to me, and that's why I'd return to it after a couple years away from it.

ANYWAYS, I think to each his own, and hopefully in making those choices the backlash to outside peeps (i.e. coworkers) is minimal.

[mimosas]

Aug 14, 2012 12:09:52 GMT -5 winecheery said:

And me...one of the SAHM who will go back to work eventually because it's "fun". But in my defense, I have a completely non-traditional job that technically can be classified as freelance or self-employed, and a good chunk of it is spent teaching kids, soooo we know I'm not using the whole "I need grown-up time" excuse.

My point earlier in this post was why does this need to be classified as an "excuse"? This shouldn't be in quotation marks! It is totally okay to work in order to be around adults and keep your sanity. Good god.

[winecheery]

Aug 14, 2012 12:23:34 GMT -5 mimosas said:

Aug 14, 2012 12:09:52 GMT -5 winecheery said:

And me...one of the SAHM who will go back to work eventually because it's "fun". But in my defense, I have a completely non-traditional job that technically can be classified as freelance or self-employed, and a good chunk of it is spent teaching kids, soooo we know I'm not using the whole "I need grown-up time" excuse.

My point earlier in this post was why does this need to be classified as an "excuse"? This shouldn't be in quotation marks! It is totally okay to work in order to be around adults and keep your sanity. Good god.[/quote

I agree, I was attempting to be ironic. Apparently I failed.

ETA I was quoting Mimosas above...dunno why the quote didn't work...I fail at that too!

[mimosas]

And Iiiii totally missed that. Major fail on my part so my apologies.

ETA: I've botched this whole thread lol. I just get so defensive about this! I live in the bible belt where it's expected that I'll stay home since we can afford it. I get so.much.flack for not wanting to and it really is a hot button issue for me. Sorry for bringing my bitter betty attitude here.

[winecheery]

Aug 14, 2012 12:31:36 GMT -5 mimosas said:

And Iiiii totally missed that. Major fail on my part so my apologies.

I forgive you! Yay, friends again.

[vivaladiva]

I think this is great, you guys. The whole idea that we're listening and actually considering where the other gal is coming from, even if it looks like differing opinions. Different perspectives, open minds. And snark/snorts/giggles/flamefuls if we want it. Long live ProBoards! LOL

[cheesierthanchedda]

Aug 13, 2012 18:39:02 GMT -5 winecheery said:

Aug 13, 2012 16:22:54 GMT -5 cheesierthanchedda said:

I wish. There's just no way. We live in a very HCOL area and I make more money than H. Short of a career change/windfall for him, I will always be the higher income earner.

I'd just like to say hello neighbor, as I'm in the Bay too. And yes, our area is ridic expensive, as was evidenced when we were house hunting holy hell.

Well hello, neighbor!

Yeah, the cost of owning a house around here is mind-boggling. But I don't think I would ever choose to live somewhere else. I love the Bay Area. I grew up in the DC suburbs, and just can't stand how much I love it here.

But the HCOL is the main reason we have been very anti-TTC for so long. We've been together 11 years, married for 5. ILs helped H buy a house 9 years ago and it's killed us. I wish we'd never agreed to their offer. We've never lived alone. Always at least 1 roommate (even now) and being FT students when we first bought the place meant that we had to put WAY too much on our credit cards. We just finished paying them off this year, which is why we decided we were finally comfortable TTC. I just hope that our years of financial struggling WITHOUT kids will pay off in the long run; even if it means I will never be able to SAH.

My dream would be to be a SAHM until kids were all in school FT and then go back to work part time/work from home. I grew up with a single mom (most of the time) who worked FT and went to law school for 4 years. I wanted so badly to have a mom who was home when I got home from school, to ask me how my day was and maybe make me a snack. I wanted a mom who was available to participate in any of my activities (beyond dropping me off) or come on field trips with me. I just didn't get any of that and I hope that I will still be able to have a better balance than my mom did.

[statlerwaldorf]

DH got upset about one of his coworkers. Sometimes they have to work evening and weekends. They knew that when they took the job. She said since she has more kids than DH that she shouldn't have to work any evenings or weekends. Which stung especially bad because we have been TTC#2 for almost 3 years and have been going through IVF in the time she had her youngest two kids.

[winecheery]

Aug 14, 2012 15:34:32 GMT -5 cheesierthanchedda said:

Aug 13, 2012 18:39:02 GMT -5 winecheery said:

I'd just like to say hello neighbor, as I'm in the Bay too. And yes, our area is ridic expensive, as was evidenced when we were house hunting holy hell.

Well hello, neighbor!

Yeah, the cost of owning a house around here is mind-boggling. But I don't think I would ever choose to live somewhere else. I love the Bay Area. I grew up in the DC suburbs, and just can't stand how much I love it here.

But the HCOL is the main reason we have been very anti-TTC for so long. We've been together 11 years, married for 5. ILs helped H buy a house 9 years ago and it's killed us. I wish we'd never agreed to their offer. We've never lived alone. Always at least 1 roommate (even now) and being FT students when we first bought the place meant that we had to put WAY too much on our credit cards. We just finished paying them off this year, which is why we decided we were finally comfortable TTC. I just hope that our years of financial struggling WITHOUT kids will pay off in the long run; even if it means I will never be able to SAH.

My dream would be to be a SAHM until kids were all in school FT and then go back to work part time/work from home. I grew up with a single mom (most of the time) who worked FT and went to law school for 4 years. I wanted so badly to have a mom who was home when I got home from school, to ask me how my day was and maybe make me a snack. I wanted a mom who was available to participate in any of my activities (beyond dropping me off) or come on field trips with me. I just didn't get any of that and I hope that I will still be able to have a better balance than my mom did.

Ugh being beholden to ILs who hold their assistance over your heads=No way to thrive and feel at home in your own home So sorry for that.

But as for the bolded above, I so agree with you, and until we are retiring, we're going no where willingly.

And I was lucky enough to have the kind of mother you describe. Growing up, she literally made every other kid wish she was their mom. Even when I was a teen too. She and my dad divorced when I was 13, and she raised us alone. She basically gave up her personal life at that point to continue to be supermom on top of having to work. She's always joking how exhausted she is now, ha.

I can understand wanting it for yourself as a child, and wanting to be that as a mother now, because I cannot imagine not coming home to snacks, (healthy snacks!) and having someone around to make me accountable for shit, and to come to all my school functions, PTA mom, the works. She rocked. I really hope you get to do that for your kiddo someday.

[winecheery]

Aug 14, 2012 20:19:44 GMT -5 statlerwaldorf said:

DH got upset about one of his coworkers. Sometimes they have to work evening and weekends. They knew that when they took the job. She said since she has more kids than DH that she shouldn't have to work any evenings or weekends. Which stung especially bad because we have been TTC#2 for almost 3 years and have been going through IVF in the time she had her youngest two kids.

This is a whole other issue, IMO. Entitled people. This is just straight up asinine behavior, and in light of your IVF struggles, it just makes me sad that people don't think before they speak