Let's talk about support systems

[irene adler]

 Do you feel like you have a support system? At work?  Family?  Life in general?  Has it changed?  Who makes it up?

I am tackling a big project at work and really missing my work bff who could give me perspective in a quick stop by her office (vs. occasional lunch dates).  DH is supportive, but I can't expect him to get everything the way a work colleague would understand internal office politics.

This has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. My support system is dramatically different now than it was a year ago (due to moves, people having babies, natural shifts in friendship), and I'm starting to feel it.  Naturally, this means it's time to expand my social circles/i need a change of some sort, and I'm hoping to glean some ideas.
 
(This is not intended to be a poor poodle post. I'm just feeling extra reflective today. Lucky you, MM!)

[Deleted]

My H is mine & I try to not dump everything on him. I have no family living nearby and my parents are so absorbed in my brothers life fail, they couldn't care less what my problems are.

I have a CW who is supportive about some work issues, but I have to be careful because they are friends with bosses sidekick so things get reported back.

I have no ideas because I'm all about poor poodle lately with my house issues.

[arch01]

Eh, depends on the day.

Lately I've been evaluating my support system and letting go of people that haven't really been there for me when I really needed it (and actually reached out to them but nothing came of it). It sucks. Honestly, it's been a harsh reality for me that my social circle has basically broken up and I need to rebuild. I'm slowly working on that. It has involved me trying to get more involved in some stuff in the neighborhood and some of the groups that exist there.

I have a decent support circle at work, but I also realized last night that I made an honest effort to reach out and be there for a couple people who were going through a hard time and that wasn't reciprocated. I think largely it was due to all of us going through some stuff at the same time, but still.

[crashgizmo]

That's a really interesting question. I feel like my support system has changed in the last few years. When we lived in NM, we had DH's whole family and tons of friends. I felt like I had plenty of people to call or visit and could have help with any problem I had. Then we moved to CA, so our NM support system is not the same as it was. Before we moved to the town we are currently in, our local support system was non existent. We had no friends or family nearby. Now that we've moved, we live close to my aunt and cousins, which is nice because I know I could call them in a pinch.

We have very few friends still, and are working on that. Workwise, DH and I are both the managers in our offices, so we have no peers nearby in that regard. I actually think some of my employees are a support system of sorts (we are all very close and collaborative) but definitely not DH. We have both talked about getting more involved with networking groups so we can have some peers nearby.

[Roc A Bee]

I feel quite lucky to work in a collaborative environment with people I like and respect. My work life and probably life in general would be very different if I didn't. That said, I kinda just lucked out.

[Deleted]

Sort of?

I think my BF has become my main support system, with my BFF and mom as closer seconds. I probably do more tedious venting to my BFF/mom, because they are women and I think they get it. But neither live around here so BF is really my "in person" support.

I don't currently have anyone at work, but I just started working. My last job I think one of the biggest issues was that I really didn't have any friends in my office and the couple of girls who I was friendly-ish with, I didn't fully trust. There was one coworker who worked from home that I trusted more but rarely saw. I had a lot of close relationships at my job PREVIOUS to that (the one that was eliminated) and I think that's provided a more stark contrast in what I've been doing since.

Other friends - I do have a lot of friends, a few of which I know would be there if I call them up and needed support, but I also pretty much never reach out to them for that. I think I'm ok with that though. I've always been one to have 1-2 close relationships at a time, and I have that, so I'm good.

I am far less close to my sister since she has had a baby, and that's sad. I am visiting her next weekend and I'm excited.

[my3bears]

My mom is #1 for me, which I realize is more unusual than I once thought. She's really good at being impartial and calling me out on my shit (in a nice way). She's also really good at just listening and being like "yeah that sucks."

DH is a support system in a "acts of service" (love language) kind of way, for the most part. He's got a 9-5 and has gotten pretty good at doing chores or errands when I'm busy with work. We've had a few blowout fights over the years because he felt like I was expecting too much of him, but I think our communication on this has improved.

I do have a few work friends I feel comfortable venting to/running ideas past. But I think DH having medical issues almost 2 years ago really helped me evaluate what kind of stress I'm willing to take at work. I'm lucky as a self-employed person that I can say "no" and stop working with people who are unreasonable and disrespectful. I also find that I just don't get as worked up about things as I used to. The sun is still going to rise tomorrow regardless of what happens today.

[UnderProtest]

Nope, not at all. RockNVoll has become my closest confidant but I know she can't relate to the whole kid thing. I haven't met new people here and I've been forgotten by people in the States. My husband has been too busy learning three different new roles in the past year to be one either. How is that for poor poodle?

[Deleted]

I have a therapist and a husband so sort of?

[cheezer]

I don't really have anyone at work. I like my colleagues but I feel I can't show any weakness around them. It's a pretty alpha male environment.

In terms of family it's my H. I do have a strong group of friends if I need support but most aren't in my town. I have a strong group of college friends that we don't see each other often but we're very close and pick right back up. Then I have friends from grad school that I talk with all the time.

[ddi741]

I'm a pretty private person. I prefer not to reach out to anyone other than my H as I'v been burned in the past with having something said thrown back at me or used against me. I just kind of lean on myself. If work gets stressful I can talk to my H about it. If my personal life gets to be stressful, I can vent to H, even if it's about him He's awesome and is great at talking things through.

I prefer not to include family in on any things stressing me if they are personal. Too many people file it away and then may hold it against the person later. Even if it was just me venting for a moment.

[SJ]

I feel very fortunate in this regard.

I am very close to my parents, and they are a huge HUGE help with DD. I talk to my mom on the phone several times a week and they see DD or babysit or take her overnight at least once a week.

My best friends are my childhood/high school friends. We have a standing dinner date once a month, and talk frequently in between. Of the 8 of us, 6 live nearby, 1 is in NYC, and 1 is overseas. We squabble and argue like sisters, but they are lifelong bonds that have stood many tests.

I have 3 other good friends from college who I see less frequently but would trust with my life.

At work? My firm is small and the dynamics are very complicated. But I do enjoy my coworkers, trust and admire my boss, etc.

My husband is supportive, but we are very different, and I definitely do not rely on him for all of my emotional needs.

And like others have said, I do use GBCN and other online relationships for support - venting, celebrating, chatting, whatever.

[yentl]

I have a couple people at work and then I vent to DH as well when it comes to work issues. This is vital for work because for certain things, I cannot talk to anybody buy colleagues. For admin type stuff, DH hears a lot.

A few very close friends who hear more personal stuff, and of course DH.

My sister is my go to for anything family related. I will lean on her for other stuff too, but if I'm annoyed with my mom, she's the first one to hear about it.

Our family is not local, but we have some good friends here who are there when we need them, so that's helpful. I really try hard to always have a decent support system in place. I know it's really important for my mental well being. It's hard, though, you have to really go outside your comfort zone when you move.

[carfar]

I do have an excellent support system. It includes family and friends. My family is not all close by, and I don't have siblings, so sometimes they can't physically be there (which would be great for support with caring for the baby) although they are an emotional support. My husband is awesome. I have an excellent, excellent group of friends from many different areas of life; a great group of local Nesties, college friends/sorority sisters, childhood friends, new mom friends, and former co workers. Not all are super close, but a few are and even the friends who aren't super close help me alleviate stress by getting me out of the house and having a drink or a meal every once in a while.

[Deleted]

Interesting question. I depend upon all of you a fair amount, especially for life in general. I have my sister, but depending on what it is, I won't talk to her about it. She's judgy and sometimes she thinks she knows all, which irritates me. I have my bff and I lean on him a lot, but he's a guy, so I don't always think he gets it and he's in a very different field. I don't have a support system at work, I'm still newish here and I'm choosing to follow the company/political line vs. sticking with the people. I want to move up, so it seems smart. The guys at the archery range probably don't know it, but they are a huge support system for me, I know I could call any one of them and they'd be there.

[irene adler]

@misilaroo, Thanks. I can really relate to your family dynamic.

Admittedly, I've hit the compassion fatigue wall several times in the last few years--both supporting DH and hearing people reinforce that his support needs are acute, which makes me stop to re-evaluate why I need support/why I'm feeling what I'm feeling (rather than mindlessly brain dumping.)

I love this community because for me, 75% of feeling supported is having the opportunity to put it out there, and any responses are just delicious massive amounts of Costco icing on the chocolate mousse filled white cake of dreams (mmm. cake. ) Y'all are my peeps. (((Group hug. )))

[SJ]

Oh! How could I forget? I am in a mentoring group that focuses on career. It is WONDERFUL. A small group of 10ish executives paired with two very senior role models. We are in a variety of industries, meet once a month, and really go deep in terms of pushing ourselves and each other, setting goals, talking through issues, getting impartial feedback, etc. We jokingly call it "work therapy" but it has been so good for me and my career.

[Deleted]

Apr 10, 2015 11:27:03 GMT -5 Stan said:

ETA: GBCN kind of was my support system as pathetic as that may sound, just in that it got me to connect with people again. Now it's just MM.

I don't think it's pathetic, and I almost listed it myself. GBCN can be a superficial form of support in some ways (since I don't REALLY know most of you) but you all have been a wonderful support to me over the years. I love that no matter who posts here and what they post about, there will be somebody, probably multiple somebodies, who will provide an ear to listen and advice if needed. Or validation, or a callout if someone is overreacting. 

[konapoppy]

Hugs milsaroo.

I have H, my parents, a coworker, some friends, and you all. Everyine has sort of their niche support area. I don't ask for much support, but I need to get better at reaching out when I need it.

My sister and I are close, but I mainly am her support system rather than the other way around.

[Deleted]

DH and my mom. I talk to DH about pretty much everything, daily stress, work situations, etc. We get it all out over dinner every evening.

But when shit gets real and everything goes to hell I'll always call my mom. DH freaks out in tense situations. My mom can talk me through anything. The woman has been through it all. She's always my first choice if something like my car blows up and I'm sitting on the side of the interstate hating life.

DH is a fixer and my mom is a listener, so their approaches vary widely.

I am pretty good friends with my boss and another coworker and we talk a lot about work issues and annoyances, but I kind of keep them at arm's length for professional reasons.

Is it sad that I don't find any of my girlfriends to be a good support system?

[konapoppy]

Apr 10, 2015 12:18:50 GMT -5 SJ said:

Oh! How could I forget? I am in a mentoring group that focuses on career. It is WONDERFUL. A small group of 10ish executives paired with two very senior role models. We are in a variety of industries, meet once a month, and really go deep in terms of pushing ourselves and each other, setting goals, talking through issues, getting impartial feedback, etc. We jokingly call it "work therapy" but it has been so good for me and my career.

I agree with RockNVoll. Do you know how this started?

[SJ]

Apr 10, 2015 12:29:18 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Apr 10, 2015 12:18:50 GMT -5 SJ said:

Oh! How could I forget? I am in a mentoring group that focuses on career. It is WONDERFUL. A small group of 10ish executives paired with two very senior role models. We are in a variety of industries, meet once a month, and really go deep in terms of pushing ourselves and each other, setting goals, talking through issues, getting impartial feedback, etc. We jokingly call it "work therapy" but it has been so good for me and my career.

I agree with RockNVoll. Do you know how this started?

It's through a professional club here in town. Each year you can elect to stay with the same group or mix it up. There is a core of people I have been with for many years, but always some fresh blood as well. It's wonderful.

[rubytue]

I don't have family nearby; neither does H. So in that respect, we are on our own. I've lost touch with a lot of friend bc I live 90mins away, they have kids, and our careers are at the point we can't spend hours a day emailing. So, for personal life, it's mostly just me and H. I do have my BFF, but I've been kind of distancing myself from her bc of her drinking and the incident back in Dec.

At work I have a god support system. Some of which I can call after hours, too.

[SJ]

Apr 10, 2015 12:41:53 GMT -5 RockNVoll said:

Apr 10, 2015 12:37:20 GMT -5 SJ said:

It's through a professional club here in town. Each year you can elect to stay with the same group or mix it up. There is a core of people I have been with for many years, but always some fresh blood as well. It's wonderful.

Was it weird or awkward in the beginning?  I feel like I would chicken out of attending something like this and worry it's a waste of time. 
It's sort of like getting over the hump of going to your first GTG, but after that it's probably just as amazing

No, I didn't find it awkward. I also had an excellent mentor the first few years, and he was very skilled at making sure the meetings were not a waste of time.

[niq]

I have a good friend from college that I bounce work ideas off of. Both technical things and soft skill things. We've known each other for 15 years at this point.

I don't have much of a support network for non-work stuff. I'm sure part of the reason I've gotten into triathlons & distance running is to just turn my brain off for a few hours each week.

We definitely have a lot of mom&dad friends (and MMM) to talk about how parenting a small kid is haaaaaaard.