having a bad day

[sigir]

Having a bad few days. Life is too hard working full time w 3 kids (two of them very young) and being the sole breadwinner. Taking care of cleaning house, maintenance... there is zero time for anything enjoyable I feel. I keep thinking when the baby is older it will be easier but the baby is 16 mo now... when is it ever going to get easier?

I lie down and fantasize about killing myself more often lately. It seems like it would just be so nice to be able to rest. I'd never really do it bc it would screw up my kids but it's my go to fantasy. I know that's not normal.

I see my wacko dr tomorrow and need to get my meds increased. I just hear the baby crying when he wakes up and think, here we go all over again. Why do we do this? He is a very needy baby and only wants me.

I just wonder, what's the point. Church today was about expectations and they mentioned that aa mantra that was something like 'expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen' . But what is the solution, set your expectations that every day is going to be constant drudgery of work and maybe 30 min of happiness?

I guess this is just what being a grown up is.

[elenetxu]

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I'm not going to lie: I have the same sort of fantasy when things get really bad. I too realize that it's not normal when I have these feelings.

I'm glad to hear you've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Please tell him or her everything that you've told us here. I found it hard to talk to my doctor, but it's helped me.

I know it's probably not necessary, but if you feel really rough tonight and want to talk to someone, don't forget about www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ They offer help via phone AND through an online chat.

I know it might not help much, but please do know that an internet stranger is thinking of you and sending lots of hugs. A lot of us feel this way and it's awesome to know that you've got help in that you're seeing your doctor tomorrow.

As an anecdote, I love the painting you used as your avatar. I couldn't remember who it was by so I googled "maine painter girl lying in a field". The MoMA's description was one of the first results: "The woman crawling through the tawny grass was the artist's neighbor in Maine, who, crippled by polio, "was limited physically but by no means spiritually." Wyeth further explained, "The challenge to me was to do justice to her extraordinary conquest of a life which most people would consider hopeless."" Things are tough, but we can conquer our problems.

You've got this. Loads of love to you tonight.

[sigir]

Thanks so much for your comments! I am glad to know I am not the only one who feels that way sometimes but on the other hand sad others feel that way too. If that makes sense.

Re the painting. It means a lot to me! On the day I got divorced (and it was a long bad marriage) after court in the morning I went to the moma by myself. I wanted to plan something to do in case I felt down. Anyway I discovered this painting that day for the first time and bought a huge print of it that day. It cost a fortune to get it framed but I did not care but gave it a prominent place in my house. The message is an inspiration to me.

[elenetxu]

It makes loads of sense. I hope you are doing better today! Still thinking of you. Take care!!

[phoenixrising]

Thinking of you! XO

[btay]

Thinking of you <3

[elenetxu]

Apr 19, 2015 14:52:51 GMT -5 sigir said:

Having a bad few days. Life is too hard working full time w 3 kids (two of them very young) and being the sole breadwinner. Taking care of cleaning house, maintenance... there is zero time for anything enjoyable I feel. I keep thinking when the baby is older it will be easier but the baby is 16 mo now... when is it ever going to get easier?

I lie down and fantasize about killing myself more often lately. It seems like it would just be so nice to be able to rest. I'd never really do it bc it would screw up my kids but it's my go to fantasy. I know that's not normal.

I see my wacko dr tomorrow and need to get my meds increased. I just hear the baby crying when he wakes up and think, here we go all over again. Why do we do this? He is a very needy baby and only wants me.

I just wonder, what's the point. Church today was about expectations and they mentioned that aa mantra that was something like 'expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen' . But what is the solution, set your expectations that every day is going to be constant drudgery of work and maybe 30 min of happiness?

I guess this is just what being a grown up is.

How are you doing?

[sigir]

Thanks for checking in! I have been doing pretty good. I don't know if it is the increased dose of effexor kicking in or the better weather making the kids feel more managable, but I'll take it.

I have a lead on a new psych and filled out their intake forms fri. Funnily enough, it's the same office where my dd currently goes. (She went through some serious anxiety in the summer and they put her on therapy and low dose paxil, but she is weaning off now) but at least that means I know it's a pretty decent place.