Anxiety: How can I help?

[elenetxu]

Hello!

It's been a long time since I've posted over here. It's been quite the last few months. I'm pregnant. DH has been getting better, but we've been through some ups and downs.

He left his psychiatrist because he "wasn't helping." The truth is the doctor was about an hour away from where we live and appointments with him ended up creating more conflict than anything so I told him that if he wanted to quit that he could. He did well for a bit, but then had a crisis last weekend. It was pretty nasty for a few hours, but once he "became himself again", we had a long and very detailed talk. I managed to get him to talk to a psychologist from our life insurance network (they offer three phone consults a year) and she helped. She told him he ought to see a professional locally. He has a habit of listening to what others say more than what I say, so this was good. We're trying to find someone locally, but I've told him that this all needs to come from him. I will help, but I can't obligate him to go.

It's been a really good week, but I have a feeling it has to do with my blood pressure. During our bad Sunday last week, I was slightly over the limit that my midwife has put for me to go to the hospital to get monitored. Since I had an appointment with her the very next day, I decided to wait it out and ask her what I should do. When DH heard about my blood pressure during our heated evening, I think he realized how his behavior affects us both.

DH has been great until today. Every Sunday he gets really anxious. He told me earlier today that he's starting to feel "the pain in his chest" again. Usually, he would be snappy with me, but he's been better today. He has asked me to "let him be" and "not overwhelm him". What else can I do to help? I know it's a wicked long shot, but I was wondering if anyone here has dealt with this situation - from either side of the issue. I want to help him feel better, but he seems to be in a rough spot right now. I've been asking for help with little things to make him feel useful (an issue he's brought up) and I've been as positive as possible. I'm not sure what else to do. I really hate to see him suffer. His biggest argument when he's in a nasty spot is "Don't add more stress to my life, I've already got enough."

Sorry for the novel. I hope it's understandable!

[flex]

You're right--you can't obligate him to go. But are you verbalizing how stressful his moods are for you? He needs to understand that his behavior affects you and the baby. And what's going to happen once the baby is born and things get even more stressful? He needs to follow up and get help as quickly as possible.

[sigir]

I am sorry I don't know your back story or the details of how your husband acts when he is going through a rough spot. I can tell you something you may not want to hear though. During my pregnancy w my first dd my husband went though a mental crisis. He always had depression on and off but it really picked up during my pregnancy. It was really hard on me bc I did not feel supported. I wish I had focused less on trying to make him feel better and support him and more on taking care of me and the baby. Not getting into too many details but in the long run his behavior during the pregnancy ended up being the straw that broke the camels back and I could not forgive him. We seperated when my dd was 3.

I don't know how your dh acts specifically and it sounds like he is trying so I am not saying you guys are going to end up divorcing like I did. My point in telling you this story is please make sure you are taking care of you. You and the baby are the most important thing right now. Your blood pressure has already been effected once. You can't make him do anything but you can take care of you. Looking back, when things got bad I wish I had removed myself from the situation temporarily and went to stay w family. Again not saying it is that bad for you but just please take care of you.

[elenetxu]

Apr 19, 2015 17:55:18 GMT -5 flex said:

You're right--you can't obligate him to go. But are you verbalizing how stressful his moods are for you? He needs to understand that his behavior affects you and the baby. And what's going to happen once the baby is born and things get even more stressful? He needs to follow up and get help as quickly as possible.

I am. We were able to have a number of talks over the last week and seeing the blood pressure numbers really drove it home for him.

You are right, we need to get this taken care of. Thank you!

[Deleted]

He needs to get his outbursts under control for the sake of your health and your baby. High blood pressure is very dangerous. Please take care of yourself. I'm glad the "outside" opinion had some effect on him! Sorry I've forgotten his diagnosis. I do remember you and your situation was complicated! ((hugs)) and congratulations on the baby news!

[loveactually]

Lurking here

I use to post back on the in board under a different name so I know a little bit about your background.

I know you posted back in April so things could have changed

I hope your h has found someone to talk to now and will continue to talk to someone once the baby comes. I am sure you you know having a baby complete turns your world upside down but I am a little worried about you. I don't want this to come off as judging I just wanted to share some of my experience so hopefully it may help you. Maybe in your situation everything will work out and you and your h will find a new routine.

Like others posted you need to take care of yourself and the baby first and this is not going to change once the baby comes. Hopefully everything will go smoothly with your delivery and you have a " normal" recovery and baby that has normal newborn behaviors but have you thought about what will happen if you or the baby has any kind of complications. This could be extremely stressful and cause someone with anxiety to really have some issues.

The first 3 months is a crazy roller coaster for you and your emotions are are going to be all over the place. You will need to really have the support of your husband but also I hope you have a good support network of others.

Having a baby abroad is another challenge. I struggled with depression and anxiety is high school and ppd and ppa really hit me hard. My h doesn't isn't the best at change and patience a so I remember nights of a screaming newborn and myself just crying in our living room while my husband tried to get his emotions iin check to be able to support me. Having no family made it ten times harder and even though I live in a very family friendly Western European country where most everyone can speak English it was still a big barrier and I felt really isolated at times. The first year really tested my marriage and we ended up in counseling which turned out to be the best thing. My h admitted to some angry management issues that he worked through to get better coping skills and we learned as a couple how to communicate better. 

Im not really sure how to word what I want you to get from my experience but I hope you have thought about the what ifs if you can't be there to support your husband and baby at the same time. What happens if you need support and your husband is having an off day? I guess I would highly recommend that you go and talk to someone as well about how to cope with your husbands anxiety.
And just know the first 3 months can be hell and it is okay to feel like your going crazy. No one really told me this and my health nurse kind of brushed my anxieties off.

I am pretty much due with my second the same time you are so if you are up at 3 am and need someone to just chat with feel free to pm me or if you want to pm me I will gladly share more or try to help if you some tips. Especially about having a baby abroad far away from family and friends.

[lovelovelove]

I'm sorry. I'm glad he's looking in to getting help. I 2nd pp, maybe look for a therapist for yourself and/or a couples counselor. While I had a new baby and my h's drinking was out of control, it was so good to have a therapist to rely on, especially during crisis times. She helped me take care of me and my baby first, and helped me keep my wits about me.

Today in counseling actually my h and I addressed a similar issue regarding when he's in a mood and nothing I do is "right". We came to an agreement that if I ask him if he's ok/has something he wants to talk about, he will pause for as long as he needs to collect his thoughts, do a little review of his behavior, and tell me what he needs, even if it's "I'm having a rough time, I need some space, and I'll talk when I'm ready". We'll see how it goes in practice, but the most reassuring thing to me right now is that we have future appointments scheduled with the counselor so that if it's not working well for us we can revisit it and see what else might work.

Take care of you, and do what you need to in order to feel safe and healthy.

[elenetxu]

Jun 1, 2015 3:06:22 GMT -5 loveactually said:

Lurking here

I use to post back on the in board under a different name so I know a little bit about your background.

I know you posted back in April so things could have changed

I hope your h has found someone to talk to now and will continue to talk to someone once the baby comes. I am sure you you know having a baby complete turns your world upside down but I am a little worried about you. I don't want this to come off as judging I just wanted to share some of my experience so hopefully it may help you. Maybe in your situation everything will work out and you and your h will find a new routine.

Like others posted you need to take care of yourself and the baby first and this is not going to change once the baby comes. Hopefully everything will go smoothly with your delivery and you have a " normal" recovery and baby that has normal newborn behaviors but have you thought about what will happen if you or the baby has any kind of complications. This could be extremely stressful and cause someone with anxiety to really have some issues.

The first 3 months is a crazy roller coaster for you and your emotions are are going to be all over the place. You will need to really have the support of your husband but also I hope you have a good support network of others.

Having a baby abroad is another challenge. I struggled with depression and anxiety is high school and ppd and ppa really hit me hard. My h doesn't isn't the best at change and patience a so I remember nights of a screaming newborn and myself just crying in our living room while my husband tried to get his emotions iin check to be able to support me. Having no family made it ten times harder and even though I live in a very family friendly Western European country where most everyone can speak English it was still a big barrier and I felt really isolated at times. The first year really tested my marriage and we ended up in counseling which turned out to be the best thing. My h admitted to some angry management issues that he worked through to get better coping skills and we learned as a couple how to communicate better. 

Im not really sure how to word what I want you to get from my experience but I hope you have thought about the what ifs if you can't be there to support your husband and baby at the same time. What happens if you need support and your husband is having an off day? I guess I would highly recommend that you go and talk to someone as well about how to cope with your husbands anxiety.
And just know the first 3 months can be hell and it is okay to feel like your going crazy. No one really told me this and my health nurse kind of brushed my anxieties off.

I am pretty much due with my second the same time you are so if you are up at 3 am and need someone to just chat with feel free to pm me or if you want to pm me I will gladly share more or try to help if you some tips. Especially about having a baby abroad far away from family and friends.

I'm sorry I didn't see this until today. I have a bad habit of avoiding the recovery board when things are going well, lest I remind myself of the problem.

Things have changed since April. We've gone through a period of time when DH was "self-medicating" (I'm not going to get into it further), during which he constantly asked me if I was ok with it. I wasn't, so he stopped. He then proceeded to have another massive emotional explosion which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. At one point in his meltdown he commented "You always tell me I need to find someone; you always say it in the first person singular. Why don't WE find somebody to help!?"

When things calmed down a few hours later we sat down and called the psychiatrists we found on Google one by one. I am optimistic about the new doctor. She's quite young and from the same area as DH. They seem to have clicked and she seems less "stuck in the mud" like the old doctor was. DH accepted the medications she prescribed him and has been religiously taking them since. We'll see how everything goes as their "relationship" develops. She's a lot easier to understand than his old doctor.

I know that the post-partum period and adjustment is going to be tough. Really tough. I have been trying to let DH know this and I'm fairly sure that's why he's finally sought out professional help. I am not sure what the post-partum period will bring for me, but our GP is aware of the situation at home and I know I can get care in the public system as soon as I need it, if I do.

You're very right about being abroad. It's tough not to have a support network. I don't have any "true" friends here and I haven't told anyone but random internet strangers and medical professionals (and, superficially, my employers) about DH's condition so that makes it tougher. I suspect my neighbors know what's up since we share a house/share walls and when voices are raised, it's really easy to hear what's up.

So, we'll see what happens. I'm thrilled DH has found help and I am very grateful to all of you for your thoughtful replies. I am sorry I don't post more frequently and I know "ignoring" the problem doesn't help - at all. I will try to be here more frequently!

loveactually: congrats on baby #2! I hope everything is going well for you!!